9Lives Posted May 15, 2009 Share Posted May 15, 2009 Hi LS family, I am a long time member here and I have done the NC thing. It is good and bad at the same time. It works for healing and it works for clarity. But lets face it, every situation is different. If you really was disrespectful and a dirty mutha f/ker while you was with your now ex...then chances are...you are not going to get back together. If you love your ex but you feel in your heart that even though you are not together now you may have a chance in the future then GO FOR IT. I did the NC for about 4 weeks and in that time my ex would send me a weak text here and there. I finally called him and we talk about our relationship from his point of view and mines. He was happy to hear from me but he wasnt all over me. He never wanted to just stop talking. It was my choice cause I couldnt handle what was going on in our relationship. Anyway, I am not saying it was my fault completely but what I am saying is that I did play a part in why we are having problems. Well I have found a excellent book called How To Get Your Lover Back by Blase Harris, MD Successful strategies for starting over(And making it better than it was before) Let me tell you guys something. I feel 100% better. Number one I do talk to my ex now but from a different perspective Number two This book is really grounding me and helping me thru the process. Honestly It tells you all the things not to do. It helps with those emotions. It gives you a different perspective about how to deal with your ex. It helps you from ruinning the second chance if there is going to be one. It helps you clear your head and get yourself together. IT IS A GREAT BOOK. Now of course it will not work for everybody. But if you love your ex and you feel like your ex still care...even if they are dating someone else...then I recommend this book. If you feel like maybe you did somethings too to cause the break up, you may like the book. Sometimes we need to change the way we handle situations and Whola!! It is a better day for us. Let me know your thoughts. I have been reading the book for 3 days now. My ex and I are getting along fine. Like I said, he may not come back to me but He has been coming around me again, he talking to me, we are not stress out about anything right now, and we are really at a good place for someone who has broken up with each. I had to do some apologizing which I know he appreciated cause both of us did things that wasnt right. Im still going to date other guys. Move on with my life. It is not about just sitting around waiting for your ex. You have things you have to do for your and your future with your ex or someone else. Great book Link to post Share on other sites
Lisalisa2 Posted May 16, 2009 Share Posted May 16, 2009 and what book is that? Link to post Share on other sites
Author 9Lives Posted May 16, 2009 Author Share Posted May 16, 2009 and what book is that? How To Get Your Lover Back by Blase Harris, MD Link to post Share on other sites
Miguelrg Posted May 16, 2009 Share Posted May 16, 2009 i read that book, its a good read but i find that it will only help people in certain circumstances. it will not help someone like me who's ex told them outright that they only loved them as a friend Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted May 16, 2009 Share Posted May 16, 2009 Sigh. These books only work if your ex left because they felt unloved by you. If they left you for any other reason (which is MOST of the time), this book will do NOTHING for you. You can not CONVINCE people to love you. They either do or they don't. No book, no pill, no drink no NOTHING can FORCE love. Ever. So unless your ex leaves you because they felt unloved or unappreciated, I'd leave this book on the shelf. I just made a huge post about these books the other day. You shouold search for it. It tells you exactly why books like these give false hope. Link to post Share on other sites
Miguelrg Posted May 16, 2009 Share Posted May 16, 2009 Your the man CaliGuy! Link to post Share on other sites
Author 9Lives Posted May 16, 2009 Author Share Posted May 16, 2009 Sigh. These books only work if your ex left because they felt unloved by you. If they left you for any other reason (which is MOST of the time), this book will do NOTHING for you. You can not CONVINCE people to love you. They either do or they don't. No book, no pill, no drink no NOTHING can FORCE love. Ever. So unless your ex leaves you because they felt unloved or unappreciated, I'd leave this book on the shelf. I just made a huge post about these books the other day. You shouold search for it. It tells you exactly why books like these give false hope. This book has ALREADY CHANGED MY LIFE!!! You cant say that EVERY book on getting your ex back is a waste of time. I dont know if I will get my ex back but I do know we are BOTH at a better place. The book gave me a different perspective on our relationship, my ways of handling things, my unhealthy thought process on love, and that is to name a few. If someone love you once, they can love you again. Things happen during the relationship that can change how someone feels about you or vice versa. At the end of the day, I am glad I am reading the book. If we dont get back together, I see alot of stuff I have done that was stupid. I see demands I made that was unrealistic. I see myself and I see things I do or did to make myself unhappy and how I go from one relationship to another doing the same things that do not work in love. This book is alot more about you as a person. IT IS A BLESSING FOR ME. I understand things alot better. My ex and I are doing fine. Like I said, we may not get back together but maybe we will. But at least I am not crying my eyes out, at least I am not acting like we never knew each other, I am not acting like we did not spend 4 years of life together, I just doing better with us being apart. That is a good thing and the book help me grow into that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 9Lives Posted May 16, 2009 Author Share Posted May 16, 2009 and what book is that? Dont let anyone tell you that you cant get your ex back. If you want to try, try. if you dont, then good. If you do decide you do want to....you can learn how to do it. Life has alot of changes and situation. I just wasnt happy ignoring someone I shared alot of my life with. We love each other even tho we are not together. I know he does. Even tho he loves me, we may not be together but it is okay now. I am going to be fine. Link to post Share on other sites
Miguelrg Posted May 16, 2009 Share Posted May 16, 2009 i'm not saying nobody can do it....love is a crazy thing and life changes constantly. As much as i want to my situation is difficult and things in this book would simply not work for me i.e after some time apart meeting up with them for a short chat etc i moved back home now which is about 24 hours away flying. it is a good read although for me, not to get my ex back Link to post Share on other sites
Lisalisa2 Posted May 16, 2009 Share Posted May 16, 2009 All the books seem to say is get your head straight, control your emotions, see where it went wrong, try and communicate with your ex. Getting a hold of your feelings and emotions is the hardest part for me. What if you are fooling yourself? What if your ex never intends to get back with you? What if they only ever want to be friends? How do you lose that last bit of hope for getting back together. How do you keep being friends with someone who you spent the last 10 years with, knowing they don't want you back as a partner? Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted May 16, 2009 Share Posted May 16, 2009 This book has ALREADY CHANGED MY LIFE!!! You cant say that EVERY book on getting your ex back is a waste of time. I dont know if I will get my ex back but I do know we are BOTH at a better place. The book gave me a different perspective on our relationship, my ways of handling things, my unhealthy thought process on love, and that is to name a few. If it helps you, great. That said.... If someone love you once, they can love you again. Things happen during the relationship that can change how someone feels about you or vice versa. You can't make people love you. If they loved you once, they can still love you and not be IN LOVE with you. There is a huge difference. At the end of the day, I am glad I am reading the book. If we dont get back together, I see alot of stuff I have done that was stupid. I see demands I made that was unrealistic. I see myself and I see things I do or did to make myself unhappy and how I go from one relationship to another doing the same things that do not work in love. This book is alot more about you as a person. IT IS A BLESSING FOR ME. I understand things alot better. My ex and I are doing fine. Like I said, we may not get back together but maybe we will. But at least I am not crying my eyes out, at least I am not acting like we never knew each other, I am not acting like we did not spend 4 years of life together, I just doing better with us being apart. That is a good thing and the book help me grow into that. Agreed and like I said, if it helped you, GOOD. It will help you in future relationships but the premise of the book "Getting your ex back" is misguided and misleading. It doesn't nor can it make someone fall back into love with you. Period. That is something the ex does on their own. You can, however, make things worse by pursuing them or trying to change their mind. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted May 16, 2009 Share Posted May 16, 2009 How do you lose that last bit of hope for getting back together. How do you keep being friends with someone who you spent the last 10 years with, knowing they don't want you back as a partner? Easy. You stop being friends with them. You can NOT be friends with someone you are IN LOVE with. As long as you are IN LOVE with them you need to let them go and stick to NC. If they want you, they will find you. Remember, it's ACTIONS that speak volumes. Words mean NOTHING. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 9Lives Posted May 16, 2009 Author Share Posted May 16, 2009 If it helps you, great. That said.... You can't make people love you. If they loved you once, they can still love you and not be IN LOVE with you. There is a huge difference. Agreed and like I said, if it helped you, GOOD. It will help you in future relationships but the premise of the book "Getting your ex back" is misguided and misleading. It doesn't nor can it make someone fall back into love with you. Period. That is something the ex does on their own. You can, however, make things worse by pursuing them or trying to change their mind. If they were IN LOVE with you once, they can be IN LOVE with you again. You just never know. I realize that it is a huge difference between in love and love. I personally dont want to be IN LOVE with anyone but myself because PEOPLE CHANGE. And you cant control that change. IN LOVE leaves you blind and going crazy when the change comes. I dont need that. The book is not misleading. It does talk about getting your ex back for sure but you have to get YOURSELF back first. You have to realize that you are not loving yourself sometimes. You have to look at YOU. Then you can look at seeing if you and your ex have a chance. Nothing is for sure. I dont know if they is going to get him back to me but he is here now with me. I am not feeling all insecure. I am not a emotional wreck like I was before. I am not sweating the break up like I was before. He can see the difference too. It it like I am my old self again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 9Lives Posted May 16, 2009 Author Share Posted May 16, 2009 All the books seem to say is get your head straight, control your emotions, see where it went wrong, try and communicate with your ex. Getting a hold of your feelings and emotions is the hardest part for me. What if you are fooling yourself? What if your ex never intends to get back with you? What if they only ever want to be friends? How do you lose that last bit of hope for getting back together. How do you keep being friends with someone who you spent the last 10 years with, knowing they don't want you back as a partner? Getting a hold of your feelings is a HUGE PART. That is where all the craziness happens. It is up to you. You can try to ignore someone you still love and go NC. It is your decision or you can try a different approach. 10 years is a long long long time. If you really want someone in your life, you will figure out how to do it in a way that is not damaging to you. I do believe in NC tho. It does have good things to offer. It does bring clarity and healing. But I dont want to not talk to my ex. I want to be able to live my life, deal with the situation, and see what happens. The way things are now, I am open to more than a relationship with him. I am open to a relationship period. Like I said we may or may not. Just get the book and see. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 9Lives Posted May 16, 2009 Author Share Posted May 16, 2009 Sigh. These books only work if your ex left because they felt unloved by you. If they left you for any other reason (which is MOST of the time), this book will do NOTHING for you. You can not CONVINCE people to love you. They either do or they don't. No book, no pill, no drink no NOTHING can FORCE love. Ever. So unless your ex leaves you because they felt unloved or unappreciated, I'd leave this book on the shelf. I just made a huge post about these books the other day. You shouold search for it. It tells you exactly why books like these give false hope. CaliGuy is not God. You mean well tho. NC is not the to everything. Maybe for a while. It just depends all the circumstances. False hope does exist but you have to look at it differently. You have to see things from a different perspective that is healthy for you and the ex. Another thing, if you dont figure out why your relationship keep failing, you just keep doing the same thing over and over and over again. It doesnt make sense. Alot of people dont know how to be in a good relationship Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted May 16, 2009 Share Posted May 16, 2009 If they were IN LOVE with you once, they can be IN LOVE with you again. You just never know. The odds are extremely, extremely LOW that they will ever be IN LOVE with you again. The proof is in the thousands of posts on LS of failed reconciliation attempts. Sometimes you just have to accept that it's over. I realize that it is a huge difference between in love and love. I personally dont want to be IN LOVE with anyone but myself because PEOPLE CHANGE. And you cant control that change. IN LOVE leaves you blind and going crazy when the change comes. I dont need that. The book is not misleading. It does talk about getting your ex back for sure but you have to get YOURSELF back first. You have to realize that you are not loving yourself sometimes. You have to look at YOU. Then you can look at seeing if you and your ex have a chance. Nothing is for sure. I dont know if they is going to get him back to me but he is here now with me. I am not feeling all insecure. I am not a emotional wreck like I was before. I am not sweating the break up like I was before. He can see the difference too. It it like I am my old self again. The book's title is very misleading. Don't get me wrong, I hope things work out for you but what I don't want is a ton of people buying that book thinking it's some sort of guarantee that you can "win" your ex back. It just doesn't work like that. Not in real life, at least. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 9Lives Posted May 16, 2009 Author Share Posted May 16, 2009 The odds are extremely, extremely LOW that they will ever be IN LOVE with you again. The proof is in the thousands of posts on LS of failed reconciliation attempts. Sometimes you just have to accept that it's over. The book's title is very misleading. Don't get me wrong, I hope things work out for you but what I don't want is a ton of people buying that book thinking it's some sort of guarantee that you can "win" your ex back. It just doesn't work like that. Not in real life, at least. Caliguy, like I said , it may workout or maybe not. So far, we are doing better. Maybe alot of people did alot of wrong things to get their ex back. It is possible. It happens everyday Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted May 16, 2009 Share Posted May 16, 2009 Caliguy, like I said , it may workout or maybe not. So far, we are doing better. Maybe alot of people did alot of wrong things to get their ex back. It is possible. It happens everyday Every circumstance is different. The one constant is that there's nothing you can do to make someone fall in love with you again. If there was a way, it would be patented and so expensive that only the rich could afford it. It would not be found so easily in a book Link to post Share on other sites
Author 9Lives Posted May 16, 2009 Author Share Posted May 16, 2009 Every circumstance is different. The one constant is that there's nothing you can do to make someone fall in love with you again. If there was a way, it would be patented and so expensive that only the rich could afford it. It would not be found so easily in a book it is not about getting someone to fall in love with you. It is deeper than that. The book is not going to work for everyone but it will work for some. In my case, my ex never wanted me out of his life but he did not want a relationship anymore. Part of the reason was my fault. NOT ALL IF IT. He did things wrong too. What I have learned is that I had a RELATIONSHIP STYLE that would not be good in ANY relationship. Some times people need to go about relationship differently. They need to get their own mind right. They need to realize some of their behaviors are not good for themselves or others. You have to work on you too. I feel like if I handled things differently with us, things would have been different. That is not to say we wouldnt have broken up perhaps. But different for sure. You cant knock it....It is a good book and I am married to it PERIOD. I have changed alot behind it. If it is working for me...it could work for others. I feel like I have to repeat myself in saying that we may not get together but we are definately in a better place right now and I like it Link to post Share on other sites
Lisalisa2 Posted May 16, 2009 Share Posted May 16, 2009 Well it's been 6 months of bits and pieces of contact. He's dating someone. I think I should just let it go. I don't want to, but holding on to nothing is stupid. Link to post Share on other sites
Soul Bear Posted May 16, 2009 Share Posted May 16, 2009 9Lives- Im with you all the way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 9Lives Posted May 16, 2009 Author Share Posted May 16, 2009 Well it's been 6 months of bits and pieces of contact. He's dating someone. I think I should just let it go. I don't want to, but holding on to nothing is stupid. 6 months is a long time. You are the best judge of what happen between you too and if he even deserves to be with you...or even if you know in the long run, you would not be happy with him. There has to be some kind of mutual respect and love. There has to be a friendship behind the love making, the conversations. If that person really did not respect you or mistreated you over stupid stuff...I wouldnt waste my time. You have to see the relationship clearly then decide if it is worth your time and effort. By the way, him dating someone else is not totally important. Sex does not create ownership. Men tell us that all the time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 9Lives Posted May 16, 2009 Author Share Posted May 16, 2009 9Lives- Im with you all the way. Thank you Soul Bear!!! I needed this book. It has freed my mind of the emotions and the thoughts and visualization that were CONSTANTLY haunting me. I was going crazy. I wanted to be mentally free but I couldnt get away. I am so thankful to be free. Even if we dont get back together, I know how to better conduct myself in relationship and better at handling my own self. Link to post Share on other sites
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