Sebashtian77 Posted October 23, 2003 Share Posted October 23, 2003 I am in love with a married man and he is in love with me but that's the simple part of the situation. The man is my boss and I have known him for three years. I met he and his wife @ a swinger's party back in the day. We have all become best friends. The interesting part of this whole thing is she (his wife) is constantly saying how perfect we are for each other. How he should have married me. How I know him better than she does and that we are totally compatible. (No she does not know about the affair). She has also said, "if we get a divorce I know you will end up with her, of course I will not like it at first but at the end of the day we will all be friends and raise the kids together." Okay. She's has also had numerous conversations with him and myself letting us know that since we work together there is a strong chance that we may fall in love and if that starts to happen let her know so we can do something about it, stop it. Unfortunately at the time she said this we had already fallen in love with each other although we had not been physically involved yet. Now although she says all of these things I know he still does it for her. She hasn't done it for him since before they were married. But he felt she was a good girl and married her. Now they have two kids together and are basically roommates. I know this because I am best friends with them both and am at their home or at work with him 90% of the time. I know there is no physical relationship or sweetness because his wife tells me!!!! Bottom line we love each deeply and have contemplated sitting her down and telling her but neither of us wants to put her through that kind of pain. What should I do? Should we wait until after the divorce and make it appear as though we became involved afterwards? What do I do? Link to post Share on other sites
jalexy Posted October 23, 2003 Share Posted October 23, 2003 Originally posted by Sebashtian77 I am in love with a married man and he is in love with me but that's the simple part of the situation. The man is my boss and I have known him for three years. i read no further than what i just quoted. you are being selfish already and you need to stop with this guy. hes married for goodness sakes, haev you no morals? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sebashtian77 Posted October 23, 2003 Author Share Posted October 23, 2003 Of course I have morals. But I am also human and entitled to not being perfect and making mistakes here and there as I am sure you have yourself. Maybe not as brutal as my own but perhaps in "your world" they were huge. I thought it to be apparent that I am not asking whether or not this is right or wrong common sense would tell me that. If you would have read on I would have much more repesct for your reply because then you would have actually been replying to what it is that I am asking. But thanks for the reply nonetheless. Please keep in mind that being involved in an affair does not work like this affair=bad bad human. I believe that most people that become involved in affairs are in no way trying to intentionally hurt anyone. Not to say that they are not, but it is not with malicious intent that they conduct an affair. Be it socially unacceptable, right or wrong or unfair. All due respect. Sebashtian. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted October 23, 2003 Share Posted October 23, 2003 This is a fine predicament you have got yourself in! Is he determined to get a divorce? Maybe you should try sitting her down and telling her you are developing feelings and see what she says. I have a feeling she's already figured it out and she's been trying to tell you to tell her so you might as well. You still might lose her friendship but, realistically, you deserve it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sebashtian77 Posted October 24, 2003 Author Share Posted October 24, 2003 Whatever happens to me I most definitely deserve but I wonder...is ignorance truly bliss? Will I be hurting her more by revealing things now? Or should I let it reveal itself after the fact? (seeming as though it happened on it's own after the divorce). That way she can avoid that horrible feeling of being betrayed while in the marriage. Dealing w/divorce because someone falls out of love is one thing and even having them fall in love with someone you know is one thing. BUT, knowing that they lied to you during the time you were together....Geez that is a whole nother bag a bricks upside the head and from someone you love even worse. And yes he is determined to get the divorce they were talking about who is going to get what, etc. just yesterday. He and I are just wondering if telling her about it now is going to cause more harm than good. You are right that she thinks there is a strong bond between us and an even stronger attraction and she has addressed this with both of us individually and sitting together. But she is convinced that we would not engage in anything until after the fact (the separation). You are right this is a fine mess! Link to post Share on other sites
ArdeaCandidissima Posted October 24, 2003 Share Posted October 24, 2003 ...which might save pain all round. You and hubby get out of each other's pants and do a lot of exercising, cold showers, and cleaning out the refrigerator. He gets the divorce tout de suite. You and hubby "discover" each other after the divorce is final, plus six weeks. Voilà - the perfect solution - yes? Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted October 24, 2003 Share Posted October 24, 2003 You said you met this married couple at a swinger’s party. Does this mean the two of them already have a mutual agreement that they can have sexual relations ‘outside’ of the marriage? I’m confused as to why the husband’s relationship with you would suddenly be a problem if this is already their lifestyle. Has this married couple now decided to remain monogamous? Secondly, you stated that when the wife became suspicious, you and your boss (her husband) had not become physically involved yet, although there seemed to be mutual feelings of attraction…or “Love”, as you would call it by your definition. Hopefully this is still the case. It’s one thing to recognize that you have feelings for someone who is married, but acting upon them changes the nature of the beast. If it isn’t already too late for you, I would suggest waiting until after they are separated or divorced before allowing this affair to go any further. Otherwise, you will probably be subjugated to remaining “the other woman” indefinitely. After all, if his wife is determined to keep her husband around for the sake of the children, she may agree that sharing him with another sexual partner is of no consequence to their relationship. Remember---they were happy to do it before! However, if you have no problems being a third party in someone else’s marriage, or don’t mind at all standing second in line to his wife, then by all means do as you please! But don’t try to convince yourself that you are a “good person” if you are carrying on behind her back while pretending to be a friend and confidant. Don’t convince yourself that this is something that “just happened” if you are actively plotting and scheming as to how you can fool this woman and make it “appear” as if your affair happened only after the fact. If you are so confident that you are not a “bad, bad human,” then why go to such lengths to hide your secret life? Why not put it all out there, be straight up front about what you are really thinking, feeling and doing?...And don’t try to convince anyone that it’s because “you don’t want to hurt anyone,” because you know darn well you’re already doing that, whether she’s aware of it yet or not. Most importantly, why not just ask her permission to boink her husband rather than assuming her off-handed comments and complaints about their marriage might qualify as some kind of approval? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sebashtian77 Posted October 24, 2003 Author Share Posted October 24, 2003 ...which might save pain all round. You and hubby get out of each other's pants and do a lot of exercising, cold showers, and cleaning out the refrigerator. He gets the divorce tout de suite. You and hubby "discover" each other after the divorce is final, plus six weeks. Voilà - the perfect solution - yes? I have to agree that this sounds like a good solution and one I could probably implement. Enigma...so basically you are saying...If the feelings that we have for each other are real and so strong that we feel we want to be together we should just sit down and tell her so. And I have to disagree with you regarding don't kid yourself into thinking you are trying to protect anyone's feelings. Yes I fell in love and it is with someone that is married but that doesn't mean I don't care about his spouses feeings. It is an affair not calculated murder. Sometimes you marry the wrong person, date the wrong person, etc. You come to this realization when you meet someone who truly suits you. I know this because I've been in the situation myself. Although I walked away once I realized not everyone can do that as easily. I look up to and admire any human who feels they have found their soulmate in someone that is attached and are able to walk away after realizing that they have fallen madly in love with this person. I do admit that right now I am weak as it pertains to this. Link to post Share on other sites
moonspinner Posted November 16, 2003 Share Posted November 16, 2003 Passion pollutes despite its' glorious pleasure. Contain the damage..... STOP. Then trust the outcome.... Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted November 19, 2003 Share Posted November 19, 2003 >>>Sometimes you marry the wrong person, date the wrong person, etc. You come to this realization when you meet someone who truly suits you. <<< I'm not going to pillory someone merely for suggesting that people do eventually fall out of love - it does happen. But the reality is that if everyone acted on impulse every time someone new and interesting popped into our lives, we wouldn't have marriage at all. It would be a dead letter, and who knows....maybe in today's world, it is. I accept the fact that Western civilization, particularly American civilization, is changing the definition of "marriage". To what, I don't really know yet. I don't yet know if it's either bad or good, though there are positives and negatives. Most of us get married when we're young, our 20s and 30s. In the time afterward, we ecounter so many physically and psychologically attractive people, and some of them stay in our minds for quite a while and maybe even convince us that they might actually be the one they SHOULD have married. But suppose you go through a divorce, marry your new-found soulmate and then...find yet another soulmate??? I think the idea behind marriage is that it's a commitment to build a lasting relationship. Most people think of marriage as vows you make at the start and then just expect people to remain true to them forevever...without making any mutual effort to invest anything in their relationship. So over time, the do become "roommates". They just live together, maybe have dinner and sex once in a while. Marriage is much more than that. Affairs are, of course, the wrong way to handle marital problems, but they don't necessarily have to end a marriage. An affair should definitely serve as a warning signal that the marriage is in deep trouble. Over time, the urge to explore - even when married - grows great, and in more than half of all marriages (from the beginning of time), exploring happens. My father cheated on my mother, and it pissed me and my mother off to no end. I even remember the time when dad moved out of the house and they were practically contacting each other through lawyers for a few days before he finally came to his senses and realized that he was about to lose a lot more than he'd bargained for. Me? Never married, though once engaged to a single mother. Even lived with her for about six months before we finally realized it wasn't going to work as we planned it. I regret living with her because of the pain it caused to the child when I moved out, but I don't regret the way we handled our relationship. We loved each other honorably, and we parted with honor as well. There was no need to cheat on each other. We simply realized it was over, and that it was time to set out on a new course. You will always meet new people who might "suit you", but the best thing is to remember the commitment to the first person who suited you. Invest the time and energy in your relationship so that you continue to "suit" each other and build your love over time. Link to post Share on other sites
wannabefree Posted November 24, 2003 Share Posted November 24, 2003 glad to find loveshack cuz i seriously need help here! long story, will keep it short. here it goes ...... we're both married for about 6-7 years. colleagues 2 years ago. liked each other. went out for a few drinks (decent outings). then really liked each other. started sending phone text messages everyday. became close friends. talked about family, friends, everything under the sun, & offering each other advice & encouragement. i've never cheated on my husband. he has cheated on his wife a few times: with other female friends and 'extra service' provided by Thai masseuse. we fell in love. he was totally crazy over me. when he's out with friends drinking/clubbing, they would usually chat up other girls and see if any 'interesting' thing can happen. but he was busy sending me messages instead. we got physical. we were totally in love and mad about each other. lasted 3 months. then he suddenly realised that all he wanted to do was to be with me and live life in limbo. overnight he refused to take /return my calls or talk to me. he went back home with his family for a holiday and strictly instructed me not to contact him. economy was bad. company had to lay off people. he knew about it and called me from overseas!! asked me to stay still and wait for his return. he came back. we chatted. said he had to get away from me cuz he had gone totally overboard and saw himself not doing anything as long as he is with me. he never allows himself to get emotionally involved with any other women but with me he did. his dream was to set up his own firm and he must get that in place. for the next 3 months we did not see each other. occassionally he'll call me but we did not meet. once fine day he asked me to work with him as his personal assistant. that is the only way we can still see each other almost everyday. i of course agreed. it is not easy. 90% of the time i am living in confusion and hurt. he said he cant love me as his woman anymore and refused to spend time with me. we had so many fights and arguments. he kept telling me that he has not been with any other women since he knew me and that i am the closest female friend he has. its true that i know a lot about him. about 6-8 months after we worked together, later he was more relaxed and did spend time with me after office hours. i dont know if it's because he still loves me or it's just that a man will not waste any chance of 'doing something interesting' with someone he likes. it's about 2years we've worked together now. though we're still very close as friends and physically, he maintained that he can see other women and he is not stopping me from seeing other men, and that i should not get upset or jealous when he sees other women. he said i'm the woman at the top of his list and that i'll always be the one in his heart and that matters most. he said he loves me but if the love comes with the expectation that he cannot do anything else with anyone else, then he'd rather not love me. so ..... where am i exactly?? Link to post Share on other sites
moonspinner Posted November 25, 2003 Share Posted November 25, 2003 Don't want to sound harsh but, gee? Are you still married to your husband? Is your boyfriend/co-worker still married to his wife? He is a serial cheater. I know you love him, but why?? He is your best friend? What are your enemies doing to you these days? I wish I could say that he will turn around and "love" you like before, but he sounds like a mess..and you had better check yourself, as they say. IMO, repair your marriage and/or repair your self-esteem. This guy is a hazard. Treat yourself better, thankyou. May the wind be at your back, etc.etc. Link to post Share on other sites
wannabefree Posted November 27, 2003 Share Posted November 27, 2003 yes, we both still are married. may i ask what are you getting at .... is that tha if we really love each other we should leave our spouses and be together? Why do you say he is a serial cheater? is it not possible that a man can stop cheating after finding the woman that he really loves? i don't know why, i just love him ..... he only takes crappy behaviour from me. not even his wife, mother or sisters dare give him the kind of attitude i am giving him. i know definitely not the wife cuz i know her. she knows he trusts me a lot and values me as a good friend. we talk on occassions when we meet and she would tell me about him. he once described his relationship with his wife to me (other than the formal label of husband and wife) - they are very good friends but not lovers. one of his buddies know about us and was shocked that he is still with me after 2 years. p.s. IMO? Link to post Share on other sites
meijia Posted November 27, 2003 Share Posted November 27, 2003 Originally posted by Sebashtian77 I know there is no physical relationship or sweetness because his wife tells me!!!! You never know what's really happening behind close doors, and if what his wife told you was true, probably it explains why he is being with you. Originally posted by Sebashtian77 Bottom line we love each deeply and have contemplated sitting her down and telling her but neither of us wants to put her through that kind of pain. Really? Ok, so you dont want to hurt her, but you will never know what's on her husband's mind. You dont have to tell her anything, let her husband do the talk and you insist that he should do it ASAP. Just give your deep love a test, and see if he is willing to leave her for you! You are facing a smart couple, both hold more playing cards than you do. be careful, dont be the only loser in this game. Good Luck! Link to post Share on other sites
meijia Posted November 27, 2003 Share Posted November 27, 2003 Originally posted by wannabefree so ..... where am i exactly?? My dear, you are where you are: married but cheating. you are not getting anywhere. you are just one of his women, and you hear the same words that his other women've heard for 1001 times. and the one who is on the top his list hasnt showed up yet, he is still looking for.... But since you both are married, so, fair play. Enjoy your side dish! Link to post Share on other sites
wannabefree Posted November 28, 2003 Share Posted November 28, 2003 seems like nobody believes love exists in an affair???!!! Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted November 28, 2003 Share Posted November 28, 2003 Affairs tend to be filled with infatuation, excitement, manipulation, lies, and double-cross cheating. I am afraid that Loveshack does NOT provide evidence of lots of true, mature, altruistic love in extramarital affairs. Link to post Share on other sites
steveb Posted November 28, 2003 Share Posted November 28, 2003 From what I have read, affairs end shortly after the divorse. After all, the person usually has the affair to get freedom. When their spouce is officially replaced with the "home wrecker", the person will still have the need for escape. Link to post Share on other sites
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