Feeling lethargic and not sexy.

[wierdmunky]

I've been depressed after the last breakup, and have trying to be busy with friends and everything, and I have a good time when I'm out, its when I'm home by myself is when it gets to me. There's nothing on tv, books are boring, things remind me of him..yada yada, but it wasn't even like the relationship was that great, I just really liked him and the kind of guy he was. I always get this fear that no one is going to like me for who I am, and I'm always going to make an impression on people. And after I make that first impression, I guess I just get depressed about who I really am. I get the complements, but don't feel them, and I have this picture of what an ideal attractive girl would be, and it's not exactly me. I'm not sure what is wrong with me, as in where the problem is.. I feel inadequate, and not comfortable just being myself unless I get some external validation of it from people. I'm not sure if I've felt like I always have to perform a certain way or else I am less, but it's getting to me. Before I could just move it to the back of my head and be happy. I can't relax because I feel like "naturally" without having to think about how I look, I look like a stereotypical nerd. I'm small, and have different interest. The one thing I've been trying to improve is my body, so I've been at the gym getting tone. I do like that about me, but I just don't feel comfortable doing anything in public and I don't know why exactly. I don't feel like a woman, unless I'm dressed in what "I" would think is at least one element of sexy, and then I feel almost bad that I'm drawing attention to myself. I would rather just feel sexy in something comfortable. Some girls really dress up in school, and I am not criticizing it's cute, but it just makes me look bad, and when I do dress up to it, I don't feel like I'm being myself. It's a wierd back and forth thinking. I don't want to miss out on life though, so I do go out but I'm not completely enjoying myself. I also think that just because I'm a girl and that I started school later in life that I can't be something more than average, so I really really try in school which I have NEVER done, and am proud of that, but I always get those comments of me being a square-ish, which if we were in a social situation I wouldn't care, but when I hear it in school it really just makes me mad, because one, were in school, so why even be there if your going to care. I know I shouldn't care because I shouldn't be expecting rewards in class, but I just don't like hearing that over something I work hard at. I need a new perspective to feel sexy no matter what I'm wearing!