I want to love my mother again

[Zolie]

Okay, folks, I need your help in learning to love my mom again. We have been very close all of my adult life, but some things occurred in the past 2 years that have caused me to have strong feelings of animosity towards her. Not to mention a near total lack of respect.

 

And I don't like feeling that way about her. It hurts me to dislike her so much now. I try and try to conjure up the same feelings I used to have about her, but I just can't. I am 45, she is 65.

 

Here is the back story. My mother hated her mother, my grandmother. I won't bore you with the reasons why, but suffice it to say my grandmother was not a nice person in many ways. She was a blunt, critical woman who would complain about anything and everything. Apparently she made my mother's life miserable when she was growing up.

 

But, she was a great grandmother to me. I was the first born, and she always doted on me. I spent summers with her, and she made special meals for me, took me shopping, sewed clothes for me, took me on mini trips, etc. There were times I didn't appreciate her critical nature, but I still loved her fiercely. She might have been a lousy mother to my mother, but she was great as a grandmother to me. My cousins feel the same way.

 

Okay, so as I said, my mother hated her. She came to terms with this about 20 years ago after she went to therapy, and the therapist encouraged her to "get it all out". She still went to visit my grandparents, but she hated it and complained to me about it.

 

It's like she LOOKED for the negative parts of the visits and emphasized those.

 

So, for the last 20 years I have listened to my mother complain about my grandmother. I agreed with a lot of what my mother said - she was right about my grandmother's behavior. But she went overboard.

 

And, here's the kicker. My mother seemed to want ME to hate my grandmother as much as she did. But, I didn't. I loved her, even with her bad manners and critical nature.

 

Fast forward to 2 years ago. Grandmother got sick. She was 92 years old, so that wasn't a surprise. My mother REFUSED to go to my grandparent's home for NINE MONTHS after my grandmother first got sick. I was the one going and taking care of her. I took time off from work if necessary to go there. I went every other weekend. I spoke to the doctors and the home health care people. I helped my grandfather deal with it all. In short, I was acting as their daughter, rather than their granddaughter.

 

I told my mother this wasn't right. But, she made lame excuse after lame excuse not to go. And my resentment started to build.

 

She did finally start going to help out when my grandmother started getting worse and it was apparent she wouldn't live much longer. But, it was clear Mom didn't want to be there.

 

Grandmother finally died last fall. My mother infuriated me and my cousins at the funeral, because she told the funeral director none of us wanted to get up and speak. We didn't know this, and it was all arranged before we could do anything to change it.

 

Oh, and get this - my mother didn't even call me to tell me Grandmother had died. I heard it from my cousin. I had just come back home from visiting my grandmother at the nursing home, and she died that night, and Mom got the call at 2 am. She didn't bother to call me the next morning. I went to work as usual, and around 11 am my cousin called to ask a question about the funeral - and that's how I found out.

 

Then after the funeral my mother and I finally had it out at my grandfather's home. She wanted to leave that day to go back home and leave him all alone. I was planning to stay one night and then go back to work the next day. I was pretty much out of vacation time at that point because I had used so much time while my grandmother was sick, so I had to go back. My mother is retired, but works from home on her computer. She does need the money, but it's not a job where she would fired if she took time off to take care of her parents. Plus, she could have worked from my grandfather's home.

 

So, we had a big fight about it. All of the frustration I had felt the past two years just came pouring out. We have now recovered from that - on the surface - but not deep down. At least I haven't. I miss my grandmother fiercely, and yet I can't even talk to my own mother about it, and I resent that.

 

AND she continues to make snide remarks about Grandmother - even though she is dead! For instance, my grandfather was watching us decorate his Christmas tree this past Christmas, and he said sadly he wished Grandmother was here to see it. My mother sneered and said under her breath "I'm glad she's not here, she would just make it unpleasant for all of us." I had to walk out of the room when she did that. Can't she STOP the critical remarks now that Grandmother is gone?!

 

Does she NOT realize she is doing EXACTLY what she hated her mother doing: being critical and negative????

 

Ever since, I just can't find any love for my mom. It seems to have withered on the vine. And yes, I recognize the irony of me disliking my mom due to her disliking her mom. That kind of circular thinking makes me crazy, though!

 

And I want to like and love my mom again. The thing is, I think I have lost so much respect for her, and she is so tarnished to me now, that no amount of polish will put the shine back on. I have seen who she really is, now, and I can't go back to my feelings from before.

 

By the way, I have tried to reach out to her, to repair my feelings for her, but it doesn't work. Everything she does irritates me, now, and I can't get past that. It's like I'm less willing to tolerate her self centered ways now that I have removed my rose colored glasses.

 

An example of her self centered ways: She is a computer junkie, and when she comes to visit my home - which is only a couple of times of year - she brings her laptop, and within FIFTEEN minutes of arriving, she has it plugged in and is checking her email. And she stays on the computer 75% of the time she is here. My kids don't even bother to come over when she is here, because they say she doesn't visit with them anyway.

 

And the same thing occurs when I go to visit her - she spends almost the entire time on the computer. I had actually stopped going to see her before my grandmother got sick, because I just ended up watching t.v. in the living room while she stayed on her computer in her office. It got to where we weren't even visiting.

 

So, that's my story. My daughter and I are going to visit my mother next weekend, and I just talked to my mother on the phone tonight, and she made some uncalled for critical remarks about another family member who is getting divorced, and it just made me crazy to listen to her. She does not like ONE single member of her family! She is critical of every one of them! I hung up DREADING my visit to her next week, and I used to love going to visit her. Sigh.

 

It's hopeless, isn't it?

[TaraMaiden]

The problem with how you see your mother, is exactly that.

Your problem.

She may do many things, say many thins and think many things you disapprove of or disagree with.

Your perceptions and acceptance of things, is up to you to modify and control.

You heap a great deal of what she does, what she says, what she thinks about others, her attitudes.

All things you are projecting, and to a certain extent, copying.

 

you need to accept your mother, warts and all, and love her for who she is, not who you want her to be.

[Ronni_W]

Zolie,

Nothing is quite as "hopeless" as it often feels...hang in there

 

Another way to look at your situation is that your expectations (of your mom) were unrealistic because they did not take into account the ACTUAL relationship dynamics that existed between your mom and her own mother.

 

Kind of, you expected your mom to live up to YOUR values, standards, and "shoulds & shouldn'ts" about your grandmother...instead of seeing/ accepting that your mom's "shoulds & shouldn'ts" about her mom were totally different -- maybe almost opposite.

 

Her feelings and actions were NOT about your grandmother but about her mother, if that makes sense?

 

To me, it's not that you dislike your mom just because she disliked hers. It's that, together, you and your mom have created your OWN non-supportive (of each other) relationship due to your OWN faulty beliefs, distorted perceptions and unrealistic expectations (of each other.)

 

There are ways to deflect toxic criticism, and "give it back" to the person who is trying to make you feel crappy.

It also strike me that your mom is, obviously, suffering in her own private hell...much the same as you are -- just about different events/experiences. But you both have 'suffering' in common, and neither have each other's love and forgiveness to be able to offer any understanding and comfort.

 

If this makes any sense and you'd like to explore it further, feel free to PM me.

 

In any case, I do wish you self-love, self-forgiveness and inner peace.

[bentnotbroken]

I am sorry you aren't where you want to be in your relationship with your mother. You and your mom are about the same age as my mother and me. Some of what the other posters have said is so true. It is hard to step back and look at it objectively, you are in the middle of it.

 

The relationship dynamics that you describe between your mother and grandmother are just that, only what you saw. In all honesty, you don't know what went on between them behind closed doors. I saw my great-grandmother treat my grandmother the way you describe with your family. I couldn't understand why my grandmother wouldn't let it go when her mother became terminally ill. She had to be paid by her siblings to take care of her mother. I never could wrap my brain around that. Until I decided it wasn't for me to wrap my brain around. My relationship with my grandmother, shouldn't have hinged on her relationship with her mother.

 

The way your mother treated her mom wasn't right, but you have no idea where that kind of anger and pain comes from. There are a lot of maybe scenarios. Maybe your grandmother treated you all so well because she knew she had failed to be a good mom to your mother. Maybe she did it to hurt your mother because she could. Maybe she was holding as much animosity against your grandmother because she never felt loved or cared for by your your grams. There are too many maybes. And you will never know the real truth. By your own admission, your grandmother didn't treat your mother well.

 

When we lose a parent, we not only feel sadness, loneliness and pain. We feel anger and fear. Maybe she didn't visit her mom because she was afraid of not making amends in time. Denial is a strong motivator. If I don't admit she is dying and take care of her, she won't die. We will still have time to fix things. Anger directed toward a person who has died is not uncommon. It is a natural part of grieving, especially when the relationship was continuous to begin with. Have you ever thought that your mother felt abandoned by her mother during her life? Now she is gone permanently, the ultimately abandonment.

 

The relationship that you wanted for the tow of them, you can help to happen between you and your mother. Think about seeking counseling to help you navigate your feelings to make things better before it is too late. See if your mother would like to go, if not, go alone. But remember their relationship doesn't have to be a reflection of your relationship. The dynamics are different, the people are different, the circumstances and time frame are different.

[bentnotbroken]

Zo, how is it going?

[Zolie]

Zo, how is it going?

 

Thanks for asking BNB. I'm so sorry I disappeared, after you folks took the time to reply to me. I admit that after I read the first response, it felt like an attack, and I just didn't have it in me to defend it. Then I had a minor family emergency (son had a seizure and was rushed to the hospital) so I have been dealing with that all week. But, at the back of my mind, I knew I needed to come back here and at least say thank you for posting.

 

Ronni_W: "Her feelings and actions were NOT about your grandmother but about her mother, if that makes sense?"

 

Thanks for responding, Ronni. Yes, it does make sense to me. I always did understand why she disliked her mother, and that it was a completely different relationship than the one I had with my grandmother, even though it was the same woman. But, that is kind of what my own point was - my mother expected me to hate my grandmother, just because she hated her. I know she had reason to hate her, but, I don't feel she has a right to expect me to hate her, too.

 

And I really don't think she has a right to keep on speaking ill of Grandmother, now that she is gone. I just want to tell her to give it a rest already!

 

BNB: "Maybe your grandmother treated you all so well because she knew she had failed to be a good mom to your mother."

 

Very good point. I never really thought of that. She really was a cool grandmother to us. She made our summers and holidays very fun for my cousins and siblings and me. She really was a fun person. She was still the same blunt, critical woman she always was - and I was the brunt of that sometime - but she was still a cool and fun grandmother. Does that make any sense, lol?

 

I think the thing that made a difference for me is that I took her behavior as a challenge. I made it a point to humor her and try to make her laugh and see the positive in a situation, instead of the negative. I think that is why we were so close. She appreciated me. I also didn't let her bully me, and if she criticized the rest of the family in front of me, I took her to task for it.

 

One last example of my mother's behavior and why I am having a hard time feeling affection for her: I am traveling to her city this weekend for a delayed mother's day visit. She was "too busy" to have company or travel to see us Mother's Day weekend, so we are doing it this weekend.

 

So, I called her tonight to finalize the plans. My 24 year old daughter and 3 year old grandson are going with me. I suggested to my mom that we all go out to the the big park and nature area in her city, on Saturday, to enjoy the afternoon, and ride the big train they have in the park, which my grandson will really enjoy. Her reply was less than enthusiastic, so I asked why she didn't seem to like the idea. She said "Well, that's not what I ordinarily do on a Saturday." I was speechless!!!

 

She then went on to say she has a lot of work to do on the computer. (she is retired, but works part time from home, making her own hours.)

 

So, she can't set aside her work on the weekend her daughter, granddaughter and great-grandson are coming to see her?

 

Not only that - her hobby is also her computer. She is a fanatic. She is on it constantly, even when we visit her, and even when she comes to our city. She literally brings her laptop in the house first, and sets it up to get online, while we are out getting her luggage. I am not exaggerating. And she is on it the whole time she is here. She will also be on it the whole time we are at her house this weekend. I am betting she will not go to the park with us Saturday afternoon.

 

So, yes, I am having a hard time dispelling my resentment, and feeling any affection for her. I'm not sure why I can't do the same thing with her that I did with my grandmother, which was to put aside my grandmother's faults and develop affection for her despite her faults. Why can't I do that with my mother? I think part of it is because my grandmother at least paid attention to us and put aside her own activities when we came to visit, but my mother won't do that. It really is all about her.

 

Her attitude is "I had a crappy life growing up, so I am entitled to do whatever the hell I want to do now.

 

Thanks for letting me vent, and posting last week. I appreciate your thoughts.

[bentnotbroken]

Sounds like your mother still has her shields up because she doesn't know how to cope with emotions very well. She needs counseling, but I don't know if expecting her to see that and want counseling is realistic. I grew up with a parent who wasn't the best, but that parent turned into one of the best grandparents on this earth. I held a lot of resentment, for years. Then about 15 years ago things changed. I don't know if I accepted who he was or he made an concentrated effort or a combination of both.

 

But the relationship improved and we enjoyed each others company within what ever the parameters were for us to just spend time. Thank God we did, because he died soon afterward. In the end it is what you decide to just accept the person for who they are and know that we will never know all the real answers to what made them the way they are. You did that with your Grandma.

 

You don't want to be in the same shoes as your mom when it is her time to go pass on. You don't want to be holding on to the resentment and bitterness so that you can't even grieve for your parent. It is hard and will take some time, but take baby steps. And when you have a setback, take a deep breath and start again.

 

I pray all is well with your little one. It is hard watching our kids deal with things we wish we could take away from them. Be blessed.

[Ronni_W]

Zolie,

Sorry to hear about your challenging week -- hope your son is doing well.

 

Totally agree with you: Your mom's expectation that you "should" feel the same way as she does (about anything) is unreasonable and unrealistic. You certainly do have the right to self-determination.

At the same time, your mom has the right to have as many unreasonable and unrealistic expectations as she chooses -- she has the right to self-determination, too.

 

You BOTH have the same right to believe, think, feel, do and say whatever you choose of your own Free Will. You BOTH have the same right to set your personal values, standards, boundaries, whatevers.

 

My situation was the opposite of yours, where there was some seriously crappy karma between me and my maternal grandmother. And she lived with us from when I was 6 to 19! Bitch made my life a living hell, is how I used to think and feel about it. (My mom didn't try to influence me, and I never had any expectations of my mom, though.)

 

And I've recently had a difficult time of it with my mom, where I perceived that she was judging me very harshly and she perceived me to be doing that to her. The truth was in the middle -- we were both doing it but not nearly as much as the other was feeling it. Things are improving quite nicely, now that we've EACH acknowledged OUR OWN tendencies to judge and have unrealistic expectations. There is less pointing fingers and blaming, and more self-responsibility.

 

It's tough. Believe I know how tough it is. We do grow up with all these idealized versions of "mom" and what we (misguidedly) believe/think she "should" and "should not" want, need and be able to do. It is on us to also readjust our own distorted images and faulty beliefs.

 

She was still the same blunt, critical woman she always was - and I was the brunt of that sometime - but she was still a cool and fun grandmother.

That is a wonderful quality to have -- where you can be neutral in your observation and assessment, recognize the "bad" but choose to focus on the "good". Acceptance and non-judgment, no unrealistic expectations.

You say that you also made decisions and choices about it -- to humour her, try to make her laugh and see the positive in a situation. AND you stood up for yourself and maintained healthy boundaries -- didn't let her bully or criticize.

 

So. You totally have that in you, and you know how to do it. But there is something preventing you from putting it into practice with your mom, yes?

 

How do you feel about it that you could not support your mom in her feelings (for her mom)?

Sometimes, even if we do understand 'matters of the heart' intellectually, we can still feel "off" about it. My sense of it is that your mom has hurt you deeply. Perhaps (likely?) also made you feel really crappy about yourself, at one or another time.

 

Is it possible that you are "punishing" your mom for...something? Or perhaps hoping for her to feel the same kinds of feelings that she used to, and still does, generate within you?

Maybe it is also that you are desiring your mom's understanding, empathy, compassion and even...forgiveness on some level?

And an apology -- there certainly are things for which she can (try to) make amends...yet she seems to be doing the opposite of that, doesn't she? I wonder what are her fears about getting closer with you, or trying to do that...maybe it would be worthwhile to ask her?

 

 

You do have the right to ask your mom to STOP speaking ill of your grandmother -- you can set your boundary about that. (She has the "right" to do it, and you have the "right" to ask her to stop doing it around you. That is different than her having the expectation that you "should" listen; and you having the expectation that she "shouldn't" do it.)

 

You do have the right to tell your mom how you and your family end up feeling when you visit and she does not seem to be all that interested in any of you, and won't make an effort to contribute to creating some positive, joyful memories. (Again, doesn't mean that she will or has the capacity to do anything differently BUT your self-affirming, assertive action is still to speak out for yourself and your family -- same as you did with your grandmother.)

 

Of the two of you, it sounds as if you are the one with the higher level of compassion, understanding, ability to empathize and forgive. That's how it is between me and my mom, too. I finally realized that I have to bite the bullet, so to speak, and live up to MY highest -- I can't just keep giving to her on the same level that she gives to me. I have MORE to give, is all.

 

It sounds as if you have more to give to your mom, too, than she has to give back to you.

I really believe that they WOULD give us more if they had it in them...but we still have our free will to choose how much we are going to give them.

 

I know how tough it is.

Sending Love and Light to you and your mom.

[2sure]

I have no solution, but maybe something that can point you in the right direction.

 

I took care of my Dad prior to his death. It was hard, it was inconvenient, it was one of the most difficult things I have ever done. My siblings not only did not help but criticized me for the Way I would do things.

 

Sigh. Anyway...after his death. I was at peace. Taking care of someone at a time like that is an OPPORTUNITY to do something good, something right. I felt like I had done all that I could, I knew I did right by him. Ive done lots of things wrong, but not that.

 

My siblings struggled with his death. I know they feel loose strings, unfinished business, and guilt. What a burden. And no chance to change it.

 

You dont need to feel frustrated that your mother did not help take care of your grandmother. For you, it was an opportunity to be an angel and you were. We dont get many opportunities like that. Your Mom, meanwhile...regardless of what she says and does...has the burden of knowing she has loose ends, unfinished business , and guilt. These things make people nasty. They continue say nasty things simply to justify their own guilt.

 

You mom was/is wrong....but you are so right...maybe you can find some grace in that?