reservoirdog1 Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 Why not just go to Hotmail, create a new account with an anonymous-sounding name, and send him a message? Problem solved. Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 This is exactly why I don't want it coming from me. I just want be on the sideline and let them work it out without having me be the one that told them. Right now, I wish I never found out. The only way I feel I can get out of this is by anonymously informing him. Then, they can work it out on their own and choose whether they want their friends to know about it. I definitely don't want to be blamed for anything. But if you become anonymous than it's possible that someone else might get scapegoated. I think you either let your buddy know or you don't. If you tell, I think you should stand behind what you say. If it were me and I really felt like my buddy ought to know something, I would discretely start dropping a hint or two and leave it at that. This way you don't actually accuse anyone, you just give your friend enough information to follow the footprints. I suspect he already knows something is up. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 The problem with telling him anonymously is that she could lie and say that nothing is going on. If you're going to tell him, I say tell him in person. Sure, things will get awkward for a bit, but you really have no say in whether or not they stay together anyway. And if things improve between them, they may just thank you for being willing to cross a boundary in this crucial time. So, if you're going to tell, don't do it anonymously. That could lead to your friend enduring many more years of this because it gives her cover to make the anonymous tip from a lying, jealous person. And if he's as good of a friend as you say, he'd likely tell you about the letter and then you'd have to lie and say you didn't know about it. One thing people being cheated on don't like to find out is that others in their life at the time were lying to them too. In the spirit of total disclosure, I was in a similar position a few years ago. Same or similar dynamics with spouses and so on. I opted not to tell. So I know the decision you are facing. Link to post Share on other sites
Reggie Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 Just how complcated is sending an anonymous letter, if you want him to know? Really,type it . Ba stamp. Get an envelope and insert the letter.Lick the stamp. Put it on the envelope. Mail it. WTF is the problem? Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 Just how complcated is sending an anonymous letter, if you want him to know? Really,type it . Ba stamp. Get an envelope and insert the letter.Lick the stamp. Put it on the envelope. Mail it. WTF is the problem? It's ironic that people are saying that the honorable thing to do is to tell him, yet they apparently don't have the balls to put their name behind the disclosure. Either tell him and make it clear that it's you who's telling him, or shut the f*ck up. Link to post Share on other sites
Reggie Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 I'd tell him straight up. But, this guy, apparently, is afraid to do it. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 (Back to the shanga) (you mean 'sangha'?) The problem is to weight things up against the Eightfold path and the 5 Precepts. As the OP probably would not have a clue really what I would be talking about, it was an unrealistic consideration to mention it. The alternative of course, is to locate the cheating wife, take her aside priivately, and advise her that you are aware of her situation, that you have evidence, and that it is incorrect behaviour. Perhaps she should advise her husband, and bring it out into the open. Otherwise she has two choices. Either to never speak to you or your wife again, and explain why to her husband - or risk his finding out from somebody else. because if you know - then it is a sure bet somebody else also does. And if she does not tell him - somebody else will. Give her 5 days. Then see what happens. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 (you mean 'sangha'?) The problem is to weight things up against the Eightfold path and the 5 Precepts. As the OP probably would not have a clue really what I would be talking about, it was an unrealistic consideration to mention it. The alternative of course, is to locate the cheating wife, take her aside priivately, and advise her that you are aware of her situation, that you have evidence, and that it is incorrect behaviour. Perhaps she should advise her husband, and bring it out into the open. Otherwise she has two choices. Either to never speak to you or your wife again, and explain why to her husband - or risk his finding out from somebody else. because if you know - then it is a sure bet somebody else also does. And if she does not tell him - somebody else will. Give her 5 days. Then see what happens. ...Thats a very bad idea, she will manipulate the situation and turn it around to where the husband will be thinking the friend is the enemey and shell be still cheating. I've seen it happen. My advice is to either man the hell up and tell him point blank and give him irrefutable proof or just dont say anything. Those are your options, choose one. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 Well, whatever the options, most people here (though not all) are certainly advising this be brought out into the open. I think the general consensus of opinion is that she should be brought to book..... Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 I would want to know and would like proof too, so I wouldnt be in denial about it. Save me alot of time and money by dealing with a trifling woman. Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 Tell him, face to face. Jim, (whatever his name is), I've got something to tell you. It's not going to plesant, but as a friend you have a right to know what's going on. Yeah your friend may be pissed, but in the long run he'll respect you for what you did. Does your wife know about this affair? Have you talked to her about it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author spackler Posted May 17, 2009 Author Share Posted May 17, 2009 I am the only one who knows...as far as I know. I don't like keeping secrets from my wife and I don't. So I will probably talk with her about it. I'm going to read all of the advice here and make a decision tomorrow morning with what I'll do. I'll be sure to update this thread with what happens. Big thing for me as I don't like infidelity. I think it's wrong no matter what the reason. So this is going to come out soon. I feel bad for what's going to be happening over there. This really is a bad situation for me to be in. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 I think it will be worse for them, so do waht you believe truly, to be the Right Thing. One way or another, the Truth will out. it depends whether you want to be in front of the bow wave, or behind the propeller.... Link to post Share on other sites
z1850 Posted May 18, 2009 Share Posted May 18, 2009 Why not send an anonymous email and suggest he use a semen detection kit, like the InSite kit for example? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 18, 2009 Share Posted May 18, 2009 This really is a bad situation for me to be in. It's a tough situation to be in. My wife and I were good "couple" friends with a husband and wife 4 years ago. He travelled on business and she confided in my wife that she was having an A with an ex-BF. When my wife told me (we've never really kept secrets from each other), I told him. All hell broke loose with everyone mad at me, them for "interfering" in their marriage and my wife for betraying a confidence. While I'd do the same thing again, be ready for things to turn out differently that you might think... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
username24 Posted May 18, 2009 Share Posted May 18, 2009 I'd rather lose a friendship trying to do the right thing, then save a friendship by doing nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
confusedinkansas Posted May 18, 2009 Share Posted May 18, 2009 I say mind your own business. A friend of mine was told by one of her friend.. (looong time ago).. her husband foolded around with his secretary at the time.. it was a short-term affair.. anyway.. her friend told her.. and this woman (the W) got soooo sick and depressed... her family (H and 2 kids) was her life.. she hated and never spoke to that friend again.. she felt she ruined her 'perfect' life. Bottom line.. you never know if this will blow up in your face.. Remember.. if they are happy.. you will put their whole life in serious problem.. and he might hate you for this... Who knows.. it could be a very short A for her.. and she will 'see the light' and come back to her H.. Unless he's your 'very bestest friend' ... just mind your own business.. This goes back to something I said in another thread. There are a multitude of people out there that are very much aware of their husbands or wives indescritions.......And THEY have made the decision to turn their head & look the other way, for whatever reason. I say don't tell him. Chances are IF he eventually finds out he won't confide in you what he knows anyway. It's a private matter - not meant for public airing of dirty laundry. Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted May 18, 2009 Share Posted May 18, 2009 This goes back to something I said in another thread. There are a multitude of people out there that are very much aware of their husbands or wives indescritions.......And THEY have made the decision to turn their head & look the other way, for whatever reason. I say don't tell him. Chances are IF he eventually finds out he won't confide in you what he knows anyway. It's a private matter - not meant for public airing of dirty laundry. I had the exact opposite experience. When I discovered my W's A...I told all my friends...I needed them. I needed their support. And had they even suspected and knew and failed to tell me...they would not be my friend. My .02...I still say tell him...you are NOT responsible for their actions or reactions...only your OWN. Link to post Share on other sites
In Like Flynn Posted May 18, 2009 Share Posted May 18, 2009 Your one of those.....I am a friend but types!!!! Tell your wife maybe she will have the balls to tell him!!!! Just how can you even look him in the eyes knowing this and doing nothing but eating popcorn watching this happen to him???? Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted May 18, 2009 Share Posted May 18, 2009 Your one of those.....I am a friend but types!!!! Tell your wife maybe she will have the balls to tell him!!!! Just how can you even look him in the eyes knowing this and doing nothing but eating popcorn watching this happen to him???? It's not that straightforward. I, too, would probably feel compelled to get involved on some level, but I totally sympathize with the OP on this one. I think those who blindly advocate telling him don't realize what might potentially happen. Those who assume that the OP's friend will wake up and smell the coffee and be all grateful to him are not aware of the dynamics here. Marriages are extremely complex, and the dynamics vary from one marriage to the next. Personally, I could probably live with losing a friend over this issue, but what if the friend goes back to grade school and is a friend of the family? It's not always so cut and dry. Link to post Share on other sites
Snowflower Posted May 18, 2009 Share Posted May 18, 2009 I think you should find a way to tell your friend. Just be prepared though, it might be a "kill the messenger" type of situation - no matter what happens to your friend's marriage. Your friend may forever associate you with the bad news and never look at your friendship the same way again. Like another poster here said, it's better to try to do the right thing and lose a friend then sit by and do nothing and keep the friendship. That's life, unfortunately. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted May 18, 2009 Share Posted May 18, 2009 friends dont let friends stay with ho's be the designated informer. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted May 18, 2009 Share Posted May 18, 2009 friends dont let friends stay with ho's be the designated informer. Too funny:lmao::lmao: Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted May 18, 2009 Share Posted May 18, 2009 This goes back to something I said in another thread. There are a multitude of people out there that are very much aware of their husbands or wives indescritions.......And THEY have made the decision to turn their head & look the other way, for whatever reason. I say don't tell him. Chances are IF he eventually finds out he won't confide in you what he knows anyway. It's a private matter - not meant for public airing of dirty laundry. Then she should have been discreet enough to KEEP it a "private matter". She wasn't, so now it's not. I say tell your friend. Point blank, up front. Discuss it with your wife first...but don't negotiate telling him with her. Simply tell her what you know, and tell her that you're telling him ASAP. And ask her to do the right thing, and let you talk with the husband before she goes and runs to his wife to let her know she's busted. Here's the deal...your friendship is on the balance no matter how you look at it right now. If you tell, and he gets mad at you...it's a problem. If you DON'T tell, and he finds out you knew...how do you think he's likely to feel about your friendship then? It's a problem. The difference here is...one way you took an active measure to help him, even if it didn't work out that way. The other way, you just sat there and let him live in a lie without taking any action to help him out. It boils down to what kind of person you want to be. Do you want to be the guy who was afraid to do the right thing? Or do you want to be the guy that does the right thing, even in the risk of it coming back on you? Sit down with him, face to face...and present your evidence. Honestly and up front. Deal with what happens from there the same way you have been...with honesty and integrity. Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted May 18, 2009 Share Posted May 18, 2009 I think those who blindly advocate telling him don't realize what might potentially happen. It doesn't matter how the friend reacts. No one but the friend can control his reaction whether it be disbelief or sadness or whatever. This isn't about the friend's potential reaction...its about the OP, his W and the decision they face. They BOTH know the friend is being horribly abused and betrayed by the W. The question they face is do they allow themselves to become complicit in this? For me, by NOT telling, they betray the friend every bit as deeply and horribly as the WS. They too twist the dagger. So...do they stop twisting the blade or continue...that decision reflects upon THEM. So OP...will you continue to twist the blade? Link to post Share on other sites
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