Good friends wife having an affair

[Dexter Morgan]

This is a perfect example of how two reasonable individuals can have slightly different value systems. One person might view the friend's right to know and preserving the friendship the higher priority. I get that, but I don't entirely agree. I believe that if you're going to disclose something as defamatory and as emotionally explosive as infidelity, you have a moral obligation to reveal sources so that both sides can evaluate the credibility of those sources. I don't see what good it does to disclose the affair in an attempt to reveal the truth about someone's marriage, yet not having the decency to step forward and claim responsibility for disclosure.

 

I completely agree there.

 

 

There might be a lot more truth out there that the OP doesn't know about, and it might even surprisingly reflect poorly on his friend. You just never really know. It's no wonder to me why the OP would want to be very cautious in his approach. Would he really want to hear from the indignant wife that his friend is impotent or has become awful in bed over the years?

 

I wouldn't care if that was the truth or not. Doesn't excuse what she is doing. If she doesn't like it, she can get a divorce.

 

Would he really want to put his friend through that kind of humiliation?

 

Affairs rarely go undetected. The humiliation he will feel when 10 years down the road the whole town knows she played him for a fool all that time and cheated on him would be far worse.

 

At least with the knowledge, he would now have the power to decide how to proceed. If he wants to further humiliate himself by being a cuckold, then thats his choice.

 

 

Would he really want the wife to reveal about how his friend might have flirted or drunk texted one of his co-workers months ago? Would he really want to hear about how he drinks too much? Would the OP want to hear about the time the OP's friend and his wife were talking in private about what a d*ck the OP can be sometimes, thinking it was just a private conversation?

 

so better to let him stay in the dark and let her keep cheating on him without him knowing so he can put the skids on it?

 

 

Because I can assure you, the wife will feel compelled to get out her side of the story.

 

So let her. anyone worth a crap will see right through it. It happened with my X. Anytime she would try to disparage me, even two of her closest friends called me to tell me they think she is full of crap and even if she wasn't, it was highly despicable of her to try...as if cheating wasn't so much already.

 

 

I'm telling you -- when you decide to get involved in someone's marriage, be prepared, because there is a good possibility the proverbial sh*t will hit the proverbial fan.

 

Sorry, I'm not going to let a friend be played for a fool out of fear of any sh*t hitting the fan. If it hits the fan, so be it. he/she would deserve to know.

 

 

Again, not saying don't tell, just saying don't be naive about the consequences.

 

the alternative is to not say anything and let him continue to be cheated on. Sorry, I am not going to live with that one. If I found out a close friend of mine knew, and didn't tell me, I don't think he'd be my friend much longer.

[Dexter Morgan]

Dexter you were cheated on? This explains your need to wave the "tell no matter what" flag. Personal/emotional paycheck.

 

No, no personal/emotional paycheck about it. I would have felt that way prior to being cheated on.

 

And it isn't a "tell no matter what"...it would be a tell if I had proof or saw it with my own eyes thing. people that knew could have saved precious years off my life, but chose to keep quiet.

 

 

I have been cheated on - I choose not to get involved in other peoples M's and "tell".

 

And what would you say to someone that came up to you and said, "i knew he was cheating on you for years, I just didn't want to say anything"?

 

 

I know plenty of "cheaters" right now. I will not get involved to further destory or manipulate their relationships. That is between them.

 

If the person they are cheating on is not a close and dear friend, then I'd say that is a good policy.

 

 

I can respect boundaries. Not my Marriage, so not my place to get involved in it.

 

well I guess if everyone had that way of thinking, cheaters would always get away with it, and good friends will be made fools of.

[Reggie]

I see no relevance to the issue of who caused marital problems, if any. This is simply a matter of disclosing information that his friend should have. I agree, it should not be done anonymously.

Friends do not sit idly by and watch as their friend is being abused. I can really see no reason to hide this from him.

I have never heard of a BS who resented being told.

[Dexter Morgan]

If he tells outright, the W is going to be PO'd BIG TIME and will want to focus her anger, however irrationally, on the person who revealed her disgusting behavior.

 

I wouldn't care. If a wife of good buddy of mine tried to chew me out over outing her, I'd give it right back to her.

 

 

Just because the cheater might get mad is no reason to allow the poor guy to continue to live a lie of a marriage. If I knew a so-called friend knew my guy was cheating on me and didn't tell me, man - there'd be HELL to pay!

 

eggs-friggin-zactly!!!

[Dexter Morgan]

I have never heard of a BS who resented being told.

 

I resented not being told.

[a4a]

I see no relevance to the issue of who caused marital problems, if any. This is simply a matter of disclosing information that his friend should have. I agree, it should not be done anonymously.

Friends do not sit idly by and watch as their friend is being abused. I can really see no reason to hide this from him.

I have never heard of a BS who resented being told.

 

Oh yes they are out there. I likely would be one of them. It would serve no purpose to tell me my H was screwing around on me.

 

Many people just prefer to go on with their life without rocking the boat.

 

It probably would just fuel the fire at this point if someone told me I was being cheated on.

 

 

 

Then again I don't appreciate my friends advice when it come to my M anyway..... really none of their business and I don't share that info with them. So yes I would be pissed at the messenger. It would violate my boundaries. Friends should have boundaries.

 

"I was only trying to help"......

at times that help is actual just a cause for more problems.

 

Now if a friend asked me if their spouse was cheating....... I could not lie about it to them.

[amerikajin]

And what would you say to someone that came up to you and said, "i knew he was cheating on you for years, I just didn't want to say anything"?

 

I might be disappointed, but I'd understand.

[amerikajin]

Oh yes they are out there. I likely would be one of them. It would serve no purpose to tell me my H was screwing around on me.

 

I think a lot of people here don't want to believe that you could come to this conclusion.

[Dexter Morgan]

I might be disappointed, but I'd understand.

 

even for allowing 8 to 10 years of your life to be pissed away? those are years you will NEVER get back.

[Reggie]

Oh yes they are out there. I likely would be one of them. It would serve no purpose to tell me my H was screwing around on me.

 

Many people just prefer to go on with their life without rocking the boat.

 

It probably would just fuel the fire at this point if someone told me I was being cheated on.

 

 

 

Then again I don't appreciate my friends advice when it come to my M anyway..... really none of their business and I don't share that info with them. So yes I would be pissed at the messenger. It would violate my boundaries. Friends should have boundaries.

 

"I was only trying to help"......

at times that help is actual just a cause for more problems.

 

Now if a friend asked me if their spouse was cheating....... I could not lie about it to them.

 

Getting pissed at the messenger is an irrational response, IMO. And, I would bet your view on this is the minority one, an extremely rare one.

I don't see how being informed causes more problems. It may cause some pain, initially. But, who wants to find out 10 years later that one's spouse has been cheating for a long time. It wastes your life.

[a4a]

I think a lot of people here don't want to believe that you could come to this conclusion.

 

There are people that do indeed feel the same way as I do.

 

For example:

 

Many women know or have an idea that their husbands go to strip joints. Yet they prefer to just leave that "knowledge" alone. They probably would be pissed if a friend rubbed it in their nose.

 

I know a H that attempted to "hump" (I don't know what you could call it) a friend of mine..... both the W and the humpee are friends of mine. I chose not to get involved. In this case the W has to be aware all on her own that the H does these sorts of things. It is pretty obvious to everyone he is a man whore!

 

Actually a new example came up this past weekend. A clergy member took it upon himself to tell a W about a H screwing around. The family and the W turned on the clergy member........ they all knew the H was doing this already.

[amerikajin]

even for allowing 8 to 10 years of your life to be pissed away? those are years you will NEVER get back.

 

How is telling me going to change anything?

 

And dude, seriously, if I don't begin to get the picture after even a month or two of her screwing around, then I would have to say that I'm being intentionally oblivious. Seriously, nobody can NOT know for 8 to 10 years. I would say 8 to 10 months MAX, and more than likely, the affair is discovered within 8 to 10 weeks, if not well before that time. If someone is really so oblivious as to let years go by and not notice changes in their wife's behavior, well, frankly, I think it would be pretty easy for me to see WHY she's cheating. Which doesn't excuse her behavior, but I'm just saying that affairs often don't happen in a vacuum.

[a4a]

Getting pissed at the messenger is an irrational response, IMO. And, I would bet your view on this is the minority one, an extremely rare one.

I don't see how being informed causes more problems. It may cause some pain, initially. But, who wants to find out 10 years later that one's spouse has been cheating for a long time. It wastes your life.

 

No it is not irrational for someone that chooses not to share their marital issues with friends.

 

I have dealt with this and friends often overreached the boundaries of friendship when getting involved in other peoples marital or relationship issues.

 

If I did not ask you...... it is none of your business.

 

And some people go their entire lives knowing their spouse cheats or has EA's and it is ok with them.

 

When the friend brings it up it can almost seem judgemental - I could imagine.

[a4a]

I totally get this on many levels, i.e. do NOT be telling me things you and I BOTH know about and telling me how to do them.

 

But how would you know to ask if you don't know? If you KNEW about the cheating, you might WANT to ask.

 

If I am that clueless about my own M and happy as a clam why would I even want to know? It would be a like a sneaky emotional terrorist attack.

 

If the tables were turned I don't think my H would want to know either.

 

Perhaps as I age and see more and experience more I don't see things as black and white. I don't see an affair being the utter end to a relationship. I don't see a marriage as the end of the road in life either. There is much more to life than living happily ever after with a husband or wife.

 

People who cheat don't piss me off or upset me personally. It is their business.

 

Nor do I feel like it is my place to manipulate another persons life because of my own issues or personal feelings. I prefer to just remain neuteral unless asked for my help. Or I would be proactive if the affair was somehow going to dramatically impact my own life in a negative way. It would have to be a severe negative impact to push me to that.

[Trialbyfire]

I don't understand the need to interfere in other peoples relationships.

 

Does this somehow make the "informer" feel good about him or herself?

 

Does it relieve their own "issues" within their relationship?

 

What does the informer get out of informing?

When you care about a friend, there's no way you would hold back on telling them about things they have a right to know about. For example, if a friend of mine were to start dating someone I knew and had proof, was a jerk or a gold-digger, I would tell her/him. I wouldn't do it for my own sake or expect gratitude. If anything else, this is the type of thing that's cringeworthy, in the telling, a chore that needs to be taken care of, as part and parcel of loyalty and friendship.

 

On the otherhand, most people know their friends. They know the ones in denial and the ones that want honesty from them.

[a4a]

When you care about a friend, there's no way you would hold back on telling them about things they have a right to know about. For example, if a friend of mine were to start dating someone I knew and had proof, was a jerk or a gold-digger, I would tell her/him. I wouldn't do it for my own sake or expect gratitude. If anything else, this is the type of thing that's cringeworthy, in the telling, a chore that needs to be taken care of, as part and parcel of loyalty and friendship.

 

On the otherhand, most people know their friends. They know the ones in denial and the ones that want honesty from them.

 

Are you sure about that? Do they really know their friends that well?

 

And is your friend going to be unhappy about the end result of your meddling?

 

Boundaries are of the utmost importance to me in a friendship - or with family for that matter.

 

Many people do tell to right the wrongs in their own R's. - All cheaters deserve to be told on no matter what because I was cheated on.

[Trialbyfire]

Are you sure about that? Do they really know their friends that well?

 

And is your friend going to be unhappy about the end result of your meddling?

 

Boundaries are of the utmost importance to me in a friendship - or with family for that matter.

 

Many people do tell to right the wrongs in their own R's. - All cheaters deserve to be told on no matter what because I was cheated on.

The same can be said of cheaters. They always look to everyone to protect them from themselves.

[a4a]

That's not what this is about. This is about a "good friend" being cheated on, and a "good friend" knowing about it and having the ability to lessen the amount of time he is being cheated on unknowingly.

 

I wasn't cheated on, and I would still tell my "good friend" because that's what good friends do, IMO.

 

for some people is it is all about that.

 

I quit smoking so you should too..

I found Jesus so you should too..

 

Some people do this sort of thing for their own benefit or to push their own agenda on others.

[Trialbyfire]

for some people is it is all about that.

 

I quit smoking so you should too..

I found Jesus so you should too..

 

Some people do this sort of thing for their own benefit or to push their own agenda on others.

You assume too much about people who you don't have a clue about. Previously to being cheated on, I had the same stance. Cheating is something I've always despised, hence why I've never cheated before and will never cheat.

[Trialbyfire]

Ya think?

 

I don't believe it takes getting cheated on to find the whole notion reprehensible. It involves lying, sneaking, and deceit. Since when are those good traits?

Well that's just it. As previously mentioned, I would have told a friend about someone they're involved with, if I had found out they were a gold-digger or jerk. I've done that with my friends. We've actually busted some playahs that way.

[GorillaTheater]

Ya think?

 

I don't believe it takes getting cheated on to find the whole notion reprehensible. It involves lying, sneaking, and deceit. Since when are those good traits?

 

I agree. I've never been cheated on either, and I wouldn't hesitate to tell a friend that his wife's stepping out on him. The chips will then fall where they may.

[a4a]

You assume too much about people who you don't have a clue about. Previously to being cheated on, I had the same stance. Cheating is something I've always despised, hence why I've never cheated before and will never cheat.

 

You are taking this personal.

I did not even think of you as being a "some people".

 

and I will go out on a limb here.....

some people probably deserve to be cheated on.

 

Again don't take it personally - I am not pointing fingers at a single poster here.

 

I have known a few that I quietly/secretly cheered on because they were actually enjoying their affairs and their monsterous spouses were clueless.

 

I can understand why some people cheat. Nothing is black and white.

[pparrott]

As I age -(47) I take a different approach to my good friends. I don't have many, but those I do have I guess I cherish their friendship, but I would not butt into their personal business. WHAT IF I'M WRONG........What if the OP is wrong. I know that he said it was a reliable source. But be honest, IF he is wrong he could very well destroy a friendship.

I still say don't tell. Let it play out. You never know, it may all come out in the wash. And NO I don't think it's deceitful to not tell & if his friend somehow someway a long time from now finds out that his friend knew....I honestly don't think the guy would think twice about it not being that big of a deal. Perhaps I'm just too laid back on this issue too.

[lkjh]

a4a,

I could be wrong because I just skimmed through this thread but you seem to make a lot of assumptions. The only reason people make these assumptions is persuade people to think like themselves. The original poster simply asked how to tell. He said he knows for sure so we have to take him for that. So the question is simple how to tell.

 

You may not agree with telling but most do and it is the right thing. Just like in the court of law....holding back the truth makes you a accomplice. Earlier you stated that people are making up scenarios to justify telling but you are doing the same thing from the opposite side. At one point you said people only tell to relieve themselves of their own guilt, you tried to say the guy may deserved to get cheated on(even though there is nothing to back this up), People only tell to feel good about themselves, that friends shouldn't interfere with others business, and the list goes on.

 

Honestly I wouldn't want a friend that would let this happen to me. friendship is about more than just having good times, its about looking after each other and helping one another. Letting someone cheat on your friend and putting their health at risk is not friendship.

 

You can make up 1000 scenarios but it isn't going to change everyone's p.o.v. we will still think telling is the right thing.

[Trialbyfire]

a4a,

I could be wrong because I just skimmed through this thread but you seem to make a lot of assumptions. The only reason people make these assumptions is persuade people to think like themselves. The original poster simply asked how to tell. He said he knows for sure so we have to take him for that. So the question is simple how to tell.

 

You may not agree with telling but most do and it is the right thing. Just like in the court of law....holding back the truth makes you a accomplice. Earlier you stated that people are making up scenarios to justify telling but you are doing the same thing from the opposite side. At one point you said people only tell to relieve themselves of their own guilt, you tried to say the guy may deserved to get cheated on(even though there is nothing to back this up), People only tell to feel good about themselves, that friends shouldn't interfere with others business, and the list goes on.

 

Honestly I wouldn't want a friend that would let this happen to me. friendship is about more than just having good times, its about looking after each other and helping one another. Letting someone cheat on your friend and putting their health at risk is not friendship.

 

You can make up 1000 scenarios but it isn't going to change everyone's p.o.v. we will still think telling is the right thing.

Very, very well said!!!