Good friends wife having an affair

[a4a]

a4a,

I could be wrong because I just skimmed through this thread but you seem to make a lot of assumptions. The only reason people make these assumptions is persuade people to think like themselves. The original poster simply asked how to tell. He said he knows for sure so we have to take him for that. So the question is simple how to tell.

 

You may not agree with telling but most do and it is the right thing. Just like in the court of law....holding back the truth makes you a accomplice. Earlier you stated that people are making up scenarios to justify telling but you are doing the same thing from the opposite side. At one point you said people only tell to relieve themselves of their own guilt, you tried to say the guy may deserved to get cheated on(even though there is nothing to back this up), People only tell to feel good about themselves, that friends shouldn't interfere with others business, and the list goes on.

 

Honestly I wouldn't want a friend that would let this happen to me. friendship is about more than just having good times, its about looking after each other and helping one another. Letting someone cheat on your friend and putting their health at risk is not friendship.

 

You can make up 1000 scenarios but it isn't going to change everyone's p.o.v. we will still think telling is the right thing.

 

 

This is a forum discussions may take some slight turns. When one discusses their own opinions. (as in bold above).

 

I did not suggest that this individuals friend deserved to be cheated on. This is a general statement - if you read it - I state "some people".

 

and what is the WE part? another poster just stated they would not tell either. ( I think that is 2 total plus .05 with Amerj.)

 

This is not a court of law..... there is no law that makes you an accomplice to an affair if you simply know about it. Nor do I think people should be penalized for not stopping an axe murderer as they do not wish to be "axed" themselves.

 

And you are assuming that the married couple are still engaged in sexual activity with eachother....... how can you put ones health at risk if you are not having sex with your partner or spouse. (you assume this)

 

Assumptions are all over this post including the one by the OP. He assumes his friend would want to know or be told about it in some way. That in itself is an assumption. Most people would also assume that I would like to know if my H was having an A. I would not like to be told by a friend. So again all people assume things....... but rarely agree about their assumptions.

 

I don't ask ....... and I don't tell unless asked.

 

If the OP feels that compelled to meddle in his friends life he should do so in person and take the consquences as there may very well be some poo that he has to deal with as the messenger.......

 

and if the wife and H are working this out and the friend meddles..... are they going to keep them/him as friends after they put this behind them. Or will the friend end up a ugly reminder of this whole ordeal and be cast aside?

 

And of course everyone assumes that the H has no clue....... maybe he does?

 

Doing the right thing can sometimes cause more harm than good for all parties involved.

 

side note: I am not really making assumptions just saying a number of things could happen. Not trying to convince anyone to do just one thing just opening the door to glimpse other possible outcomes when it comes to meddling in peoples relationships and marriages.

[bentnotbroken]

a4a,

I could be wrong because I just skimmed through this thread but you seem to make a lot of assumptions. The only reason people make these assumptions is persuade people to think like themselves. The original poster simply asked how to tell. He said he knows for sure so we have to take him for that. So the question is simple how to tell.

 

You may not agree with telling but most do and it is the right thing. Just like in the court of law....holding back the truth makes you a accomplice. Earlier you stated that people are making up scenarios to justify telling but you are doing the same thing from the opposite side. At one point you said people only tell to relieve themselves of their own guilt, you tried to say the guy may deserved to get cheated on(even though there is nothing to back this up), People only tell to feel good about themselves, that friends shouldn't interfere with others business, and the list goes on.

 

Honestly I wouldn't want a friend that would let this happen to me. friendship is about more than just having good times, its about looking after each other and helping one another. Letting someone cheat on your friend and putting their health at risk is not friendship.

 

You can make up 1000 scenarios but it isn't going to change everyone's p.o.v. we will still think telling is the right thing.

 

Here, here. :bunny: I said the same thing earlier. What kind of friend would let you stand in the path of an oncoming train?

[a4a]

Since he's the guy's friend, I think he would know more about him than anyone on LS. He is probably in a pretty good position to know what his friend would want MUCH more than any of us.

 

I don't know.

 

That craigslist killers g/f thought he was the catch of all catches too.

 

You just don't know people as well as you assume you do.

 

But interesting thought:

 

If he does tell and the couple works through this would they really keep him around as a friend?

 

Or is he just a ugly reminder of a hard time in their M and they resent his presence in their now solid relationship?

[carhill]

If he does tell and the couple works through this would they really keep him around as a friend?

 

If I were in his shoes, I would expect they would not. Life goes on

[lkjh]

You suggested that some people deserve to be cheated on in a attempt to getting people to side with your opinion. Since your opinion is not to tell I can only assume you think the bs may deserve it.

 

The we referred to the people that you are arguing with.

 

Second in some countries, states, and cities adultery is a crime. So therefor you could technically be considered an accomplice. Just because you wouldn't risk your life to helps others does not make it right. Most of us feel we should help people in need of help especially if it is life or death. On a side note I referred to the crime argument as a analogy just like you are doing with the axe murderer.

 

You are assuming that the married couple are not engaging in sexual intercourse just like I am assuming they are. I think my assumption is safer since most couple do this.

 

To your last point, yes you are making assumptions the only problem is you forgot the first rule when assuming......you always assume the safer position. You don't assume the H does not want to know, you don't assume his health is safe because they are not having sex, and you certainly don't assume he knows. You assume the worst case and work from there. When a general goes into war he does not assume the enemy has a small force unless he knows for sure. You always prep for the worst case scenario.

 

The easy thing to do is turn your back on this and the hard thing is to tell. Haven't you ever heard of the saying the right thing is usually the hard one.

[lkjh]

I don't know.

 

That craigslist killers g/f thought he was the catch of all catches too.

 

You just don't know people as well as you assume you do.

 

But interesting thought:

 

If he does tell and the couple works through this would they really keep him around as a friend?

 

Or is he just a ugly reminder of a hard time in their M and they resent his presence in their now solid relationship?

 

A good friend is willing to sacrifice himself for his friend. They may work it out and stop talking to him but nobody knows. At least the friend can say he did everything possible to help his friend. Would you rather stay friends with the H and continue deceiving him for the rest of his life?

[a4a]

You suggested that some people deserve to be cheated on in a attempt to getting people to side with your opinion. Since your opinion is not to tell I can only assume you think the bs may deserve it.

 

I never said that this individual deserved to be cheated on. Please do not put words in my mouth. If I stated the friend in this case deserved to be cheated on please quote that in reply to this post.

 

The we referred to the people that you are arguing with.

 

2.5 other people don't agree with you.

 

Second in some countries, states, and cities adultery is a crime. So therefor you could technically be considered an accomplice. Just because you wouldn't risk your life to helps others does not make it right. Most of us feel we should help people in need of help especially if it is life or death. On a side note I referred to the crime argument as a analogy just like you are doing with the axe murderer.

 

I am sorry if some crazy guy is hacking up people with an axe..... I am bailing. And many crazy laws are still on the books in many places but are not adhered to.

 

You are assuming that the married couple are not engaging in sexual intercourse just like I am assuming they are. I think my assumption is safer since most couple do this.

 

No I am not making an assumption that they are or they are not.... that was my point. They may or may not be so stating one is going to kill the other with a STD is an assumption.

 

To your last point, yes you are making assumptions the only problem is you forgot the first rule when assuming......you always assume the safer position. You don't assume the H does not want to know, you don't assume his health is safe because they are not having sex, and you certainly don't assume he knows. You assume the worst case and work from there. When a general goes into war he does not assume the enemy has a small force unless he knows for sure. You always prep for the worst case scenario.

 

This is not war this is a Marriage...... and a possible affair. A general would be concerned with all possible outcomes. Perhaps prepping for the worst case scenario with this issue is the betrayed husband goes nuts when told and kills his wife, himself, and her supposed lover!

 

The easy thing to do is turn your back on this and the hard thing is to tell. Haven't you ever heard of the saying the right thing is usually the hard one.

 

Sometimes for humans the hardest thing to do is to mind your own business.

[lkjh]

Sometimes for humans the hardest thing to do is to mind your own business.

 

Sounds like the pleas of a desperate man. There really isn't any reason to deceive a "friend"

[a4a]

A good friend is willing to sacrifice himself for his friend. They may work it out and stop talking to him but nobody knows. At least the friend can say he did everything possible to help his friend. Would you rather stay friends with the H and continue deceiving him for the rest of his life?

 

It really is none of my business.

 

I have been down this road and I now know never to get between a married couple or partners.

[Owl]

I don't know.

 

That craigslist killers g/f thought he was the catch of all catches too.

 

You just don't know people as well as you assume you do.

 

But interesting thought:

 

If he does tell and the couple works through this would they really keep him around as a friend?

 

Or is he just a ugly reminder of a hard time in their M and they resent his presence in their now solid relationship?

 

Why would HE be an ugly reminder of what they went through? As long as HE was smart enough not to meddle in their recovery...as long as he didn't try to tell the H he couldn't/shouldn't forgive, or whatever...why would HE be any kind of impediment in their marriage or recovery?

 

If he's a good enough friend to tell what he knows, he's probably also a good enough friend to let them rebuild their marriage if they chose to do so. He's not part of their marriage...so his continued friendship wouldn't be a burden to it. On the contrary...they should both be glad to know that they have a friend who values their marriage. And cared enough to tell in the first place.

 

That's a similar issue as to why not to expose to friends and family during an affair...because people think that they'll hold resentment later.

 

In my experience...my family held NO kind of grudge against my wife when she ended her affair and decided to reconcile...which is a good thing, as the choice to reconcile wasn't theirs to make...it was ours. My wife WAS concerned that they'd hold it against her...but has since learned how wrong she was. Again, our situation...but a definite parallel to your argument.

[lkjh]

It really is none of my business.

 

I have been down this road and I now know never to get between a married couple or partners.

 

You didn't answer the question. In your other post you asked if he tells will the couple keep him as a friend and I want to know what would you rather have.......keeping him as a friend knowing you are deceiving him or telling risky your friendship. Can you really stay friends with someone all the while holding this information

[Owl]

I thought I'd add this...

 

Just in my own life, I'd have to say that if I had a friend who knew that my wife was cheating on me, but he "refused to get involved"...I'd be FAR more likely to end that friendship with him than I would be if he were to come to me and say "I hate to tell you this man, but...".

 

The first guy is just looking out for himself...the second guy cared enough about me and our friendship to tell me the truth.

[a4a]

Well I did tell once........ many many moons ago. I ended up dragged through the mud by both the W & H. I became the enemy of their M.

 

I was friends with the H in this case and told him. She denied it blamed me for wanting him He believed her not me. Mud was slung all over the place. Way too much drama. They are still married - happily I assume.

 

They teamed up and took it as an attack on their M.

They also damaged me personally. It was a hell of a ride.

 

So nope....... none of my business.

 

And I still plan to run like hell if I see an axe murderer! - unless I have a gun.

[carhill]

Some background:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t73549/

I have been down this road and I now know never to get between a married couple or partners.

Sounds like it. Hope the OP weighs it appropriately.

 

Also, I respect and remember this is a female perspective being offered and the OP and his friend are both males.

[lkjh]

Well I did tell once........ many many moons ago. I ended up dragged through the mud by both the W & H. I became the enemy of their M.

 

I was friends with the H in this case and told him. She denied it blamed me for wanting him He believed her not me. Mud was slung all over the place. Way too much drama. They are still married - happily I assume.

 

They teamed up and took it as an attack on their M.

They also damaged me personally. It was a hell of a ride.

 

So nope....... none of my business.

 

And I still plan to run like hell if I see an axe murderer! - unless I have a gun.

 

So fear is what motivates you?

[Dexter Morgan]

How is telling me going to change anything?

 

Because if someone knew all those years and never told you, but could have told you in the early stages, you could have done something about it then.

 

 

And dude, seriously, if I don't begin to get the picture after even a month or two of her screwing around, then I would have to say that I'm being intentionally oblivious.

 

Hey, I didn't know for the entire 8 years I was married until I got a suspicion in the last 2, and confirmation in the last year.

 

 

Seriously, nobody can NOT know for 8 to 10 years.

 

I didn't. She would go on outings with her friends here and there, and thats when it would happen. You know, spouses do have weekends or nights out with friends where the other spouse doesn't come along.

 

My problem? Too trusting.

 

 

I would say 8 to 10 months MAX, and more than likely, the affair is discovered within 8 to 10 weeks, if not well before that time.

 

You married? Got a gf? either way, if they went out with friends, then for you to make this claim would mean you would have to constantly be suspicious of her. People here on this forum call that controlling and jealousy rearing its head.

But then the alternative is to be a trusting husband.

 

 

If someone is really so oblivious as to let years go by and not notice changes in their wife's behavior, well, frankly, I think it would be pretty easy for me to see WHY she's cheating.

 

Oh trust me, she was GOOD at hiding it. She didn't indicate any change and we still had sex and everything.

[a4a]

You didn't answer the question. In your other post you asked if he tells will the couple keep him as a friend and I want to know what would you rather have.......keeping him as a friend knowing you are deceiving him or telling risky your friendship. Can you really stay friends with someone all the while holding this information

 

yeppers........ I have knowledge of several "cheaters" at this time and I keep my mouth shut. I caught one accidently on video even.

 

Not my business.

 

If your friend was cheating would you tell his or her spouse/partner?

Or is that different somehow?

[a4a]

So fear is what motivates you?

 

No I seek a life free of drama.

 

Some people love meddling in the R's of others and creating drama.

[lkjh]

yeppers........ I have knowledge of several "cheaters" at this time and I keep my mouth shut. I caught one accidently on video even.

 

Not my business.

 

If your friend was cheating would you tell his or her spouse/partner?

Or is that different somehow?

 

Well for starters I do believe you should tell. But yes it is different, you have a responsibility to your friend not to a stranger

[carhill]

Oh trust me, she was GOOD at hiding it. She didn't indicate any change and we still had sex and everything.

 

IIRC, LakesideDream's wife's affair went on for nearly 25 years undiscovered. Until reading this thread, it didn't occur for me to wonder where his friends were during that time and if any of them knew....yuk....

 

If your friend was cheating would you tell his or her spouse/partner?

 

Yes, as I tend to be close to and loving with my male friend's wives, I would do the same; provide evidence and offer support and disappear if appropriate and/or desired. Sometimes the needs of the many (their family) outweigh the needs of the few or the one (me). That's not to say it would not be without a heavy heart....

[Reggie]

I think a lot of people here don't want to believe that you could come to this conclusion.

I have no doubt there are some. I think it is exceedingly rare, though. I have no studies to verify this. Just anecdotal stuff from posters and my own feelings.

I do not view telling as meddling. I view it as helping a friend in need.

I do not agree anyone deserves this betrayal. If there is dissatisfaction there are honorable options that do not require deceit and this type of trauma.

[a4a]

ok you convinced me I am getting on the phone and ratting out the 6-8 cheaters I currently know and am sure are cheating!

 

You know I just had another one confess this info to me on Sat. night. Should I call his wife and tell her?

 

He confided in me as a friend..... I know his wife.

 

I am not "friends" with his wife we share hello's and small chat.

 

Believe it or not this sort of thing happens to me at least once a month. Somebody tells me about their extramarital activities.

[Dexter Morgan]

Well for starters I do believe you should tell. But yes it is different, you have a responsibility to your friend not to a stranger

 

Agreed. OP shouldn't let this man waste another year of his life without having the information to decide the path his life needs to take.

 

Bottom line, in my own example, I wasted 8 years of my life because somehow, other people knew what my X did before....after...and during marriage and could have saved 8 years of my life if they would have told me early on. And no, I didn't know she was doing any of it. She never had what I'd call an affair, just one night stands here and there, and maybe one short affair that I found out after I filed for divorce. It was always when going out with friends and I trusted her.

 

These people said nothing.

[Reggie]

ok you convinced me I am getting on the phone and ratting out the 6-8 cheaters I currently know and am sure are cheating!

 

You know I just had another one confess this info to me on Sat. night. Should I call his wife and tell her?

 

He confided in me as a friend..... I know his wife.

 

I am not "friends" with his wife we share hello's and small chat.

 

Believe it or not this sort of thing happens to me at least once a month. Somebody tells me about their extramarital activities.

I do think you should tell the BSs. I would, but that is just me.

[spackler]

Wow, this thread blew up.

 

I have an update. I talked to my wife last night about this and informed her of my intentions of telling him. She was in shock and didn't believe me until I showed her my proof. She knows now.

 

She does NOT want me to tell him. But she also wants this thing to come out. She's afraid that we could take some heat for this thing from either side and thinks we should stay out of it. I asked her if we could send an anonymous letter and she said she'd spend some time thinking about that.

 

I don't want to wait too long if I am going to tell him. So I'm in a holding pattern out of respect for my wifes feelings about this...now that she has knowledge and proof.