Good friends wife having an affair

[carhill]

Set a timeline, make a decision and then take the lead. It's your deal. This is what LS is about. Man-up

[Dexter Morgan]

Wow, this thread blew up.

 

I have an update. I talked to my wife last night about this and informed her of my intentions of telling him. She was in shock and didn't believe me until I showed her my proof. She knows now.

 

She does NOT want me to tell him. But she also wants this thing to come out. She's afraid that we could take some heat for this thing from either side and thinks we should stay out of it. I asked her if we could send an anonymous letter and she said she'd spend some time thinking about that.

 

I don't want to wait too long if I am going to tell him. So I'm in a holding pattern out of respect for my wifes feelings about this...now that she has knowledge and proof.

 

And what if your wife tells you she doesn't want her husband to know at all? You gonna just stand by and let your friend be cheated on and live life with a ho?

[stuckinoz]

Second in some countries, states, and cities adultery is a crime. So therefor you could technically be considered an accomplice.

 

Oh poo-foo.......what a stretch this is..........

[stuckinoz]

Spackler - I'm not an advocate of telling -(I think it's meddling in business that isn't yours & will blow up in your face)

..... but good for you for at least running this one by your wife. Maybe the 2 of you could figure it out.

[Dexter Morgan]

Oh poo-foo.......what a stretch this is..........

 

I wonder this too. What states is adultery a crime and what is the penalty? I'd be curious to know.

 

If the penalty is stiff enough, I just might move to a state like that!

[Mahatma]

Why not just create a Hotmail email in a coffee shop, send an email with the proof/picture of proof, and then wipe your hands of this.

 

Done.

[Dexter Morgan]

why not just create a hotmail email in a coffee shop, send an email with the proof/picture of proof, and then wipe your hands of this.

 

Done.

 

i like it!!!!

 

they shouldnt just stand by and watch this "woman" continuously cheat on the man. He doesn't deserve this and deserves to know so he can put a stop to it...either by cracking the whip on his wife, or leaving her.

[Owl]

ok you convinced me I am getting on the phone and ratting out the 6-8 cheaters I currently know and am sure are cheating!

 

You know I just had another one confess this info to me on Sat. night. Should I call his wife and tell her?

 

He confided in me as a friend..... I know his wife.

 

I am not "friends" with his wife we share hello's and small chat.

 

Believe it or not this sort of thing happens to me at least once a month. Somebody tells me about their extramarital activities.

 

If you know this many cheaters...you're clearly picking the wrong kind of friends to start with. If this is standard in your friends...then I would agree with you...the expectation that you'll keep your mouth shut about their cheating is probably a criteria for the friendship.

 

Don't tell them anything...but then, I'd also suggest you should get new friends.

[hoping2heal]

Okay I wasn't able to read ALL the responses to this post, but got a fair majority of them.

 

That said, when you chalk it up at the end, all the fear is selfish. It all comes down too "oh no, what will you look like, how will it hurt YOU." That appears to be your wife's stance on the situation. She wants the news to come out but heaven forbid the trail lead bread crumbs back to you two. Neither one of you did anything wrong, you don't have to defend yourself as though you did. I know all about telling people the truth they don't wanna hear about their loved ones, and you know what? They sh*t the bed more or less and turned on me and? Let em. I didn't do anything wrong and continuing to hide the truth was going to be more harmful than telling it. Now, this was on a different situation than an affair; but he deserves to know he's being cheated on if you have proof.

 

No it isn't fun, it's not the kind of thing anyone wants to do. And yeah, maybe the blame will be shifted onto you by people who can't take responsibility and want to play the denial game (that's the worst case scenario and all it is). At least you know you did the best thing for your friend, What if you never tell him, then a year or two down the road he finds out by some other means, then he tells you how foolish he feels, how devestated he is, and wishes he would of seen the signs "earlier" before he invested anymore of his life into this woman. Then how are you going to feel? You're going to feel like you did the wrong thing, that's how.

[Reggie]

Oh poo-foo.......what a stretch this is..........

 

 

Agreed. This analysis has no basis in the law. Morally, Ithink youhave an obligation to your friend and should tell , regardless of your W's feelings. Right is just right.

[In Like Flynn]

If roles were reversed and it was your wife that was cheating and you didn't know.....what would you want your friend to do???

[a4a]

If you know this many cheaters...you're clearly picking the wrong kind of friends to start with. If this is standard in your friends...then I would agree with you...the expectation that you'll keep your mouth shut about their cheating is probably a criteria for the friendship.

 

Don't tell them anything...but then, I'd also suggest you should get new friends.

 

They are business associates and some are casual friends.

And if my 2 closest friends told me they cheated, my loyalty lays with them and I certainly would not tell their spouses unless cornered and asked.

 

I also would make and have made this clear to my friends - If cornered I would have to "rat them out".

 

Funny thing is my H's best buddy and his W told me "you can tell your H anything and you know he will take it to the grave with him"...... friends of 30 years.... and you know we never did tell the W that the H was cheating.

 

Perhaps our friends are the kind that mind their own business when it comes to those sorts of things. But these same friends would come to aide when needed for anything no matter what.

 

Some people just stay out of other peoples marital affairs/R's. Those are the kind of friends I do prefer.

 

My BFF never ever says a neg. thing about my H, even though she knows he is a dick. I appreciate that.

[Tired03]

I've probably read hundreds of these stories about infidelity and I have yet to come across one where a BS reacted angrily toward the person that informed him or her. On the other hand, I've read many stories of BS's resenting those that knew and did not tell.

Does anyone recall a story where the BS got pissed at the messenger? All I've seen in gratitude

 

*sigh* While I'm all for telling the husband, I've had this experience as well.

 

Some friends of mine used to have absolutely terrible fights. I was friends with her primarily, but him as well through her. One night, after a particularly horrific fight, he was driving around and asked to come to my house. I said ok, thinking that he was just coming as a friend.

 

Once he got inside, he had other ideas, he tried to hit on me, sat on my lap (that was just weird) and said a bunch of other things.

 

I was disturbed, and when she called me to verify that he had actually been at my house I had to tell her what he had done. Initially she believed me, then I'm not sure what happened and all of a sudden *I* was the problem.

 

Believe you me, I wanted NOTHING to do with this guy - he wasn't attractive, was quite frankly annoying, and...well, I wanted NOTHING to do with him.

 

But, I was persona non grata and our friendship ended. In retrospect, it's probably just fine that it ended. I kept my integrity by telling her the truth, and I really didn't need her friendship anyway. I was sad, but meh, I'm okay with it now.

 

Bottom line is, I think guys are much more likely to accept that knowledge well. Girls always attribute "ill intent" to another woman having anything to do with their man/marriage. I'd say to tell him.

[a4a]

I have the kind of friends who don't f around on their partners.

 

If any of my friends turned out to be that type, I'd probably drop 'em. If they lack integrity in one way, they probably lack it in others.

 

Thanks for the constant berating....

 

I have too many friends perhaps. It is not my job to patrol their personal lives. My life is not a lifetime movie. We all go out have fun...... I go home..... they go home. I work for some of them and they turn out to be good friends or casual friends...... Or they work for me and we have a friendship.

 

Affairs are not a big deal to me. Not the end of the world.

With 35% plus woman that cheat and 60% men (or the latest poll results) likely we all have friends that cheat. Maybe your friends don't trust you enough to confess/confide it to you?

 

Hell I wouldn't tell you .... cause you would rat me out! Now that is not a friend in my book.

[amerikajin]

If it were me, and I had incontrovertible proof, and if it were someone I considered a close friend, I would tell. It wouldn't be easy, and I'd have to think about it for a bit, but I would tell. That's a personal choice based on my own value system. I don't necessarily expect everyone to live by my own moral code. If someone knew and didn't tell me, I'm sure a part of me would be pissed off, but I would also understand the confusion about what course to take, and about whether they should really get involved in what is ultimately my own private life.

 

Ultimately, I would never blame my friends for the indiscretions of my partner. If my partner is dishonest, then it's my partner who's committing the offense. My friends had the misfortune of finding out and didn't want to play marriage cop -- I get it completely. There are, of course, possible exceptions, and I suppose a lot of it comes down to a matter of degree. I have to admit that if what happened to Dexter happened to me, yes, that might be a different matter. In that case, my 'friends' aren't just unwittingly finding out about something, they're in effect front-row spectators and by their own behavior condoning and even tacitly encouraging infidelity. In that case, yes, I'd probably write them off. But the OP's not talking about that here, I take it.

[a4a]

I know my friends. Apparently you know yours well enough to know who they are "doing" on the side. Since you say you don't think cheating is a big deal, perhaps those people can sense that and gravitate to you. After all, would the cheating type want friends who disapprove of cheating? Probably not.

 

I don't have to worry about ratting out a friend, because my friends also gravitate to a particular type. The type who thinks cheating IS a big deal. And (will wonders never cease!) we still manage to have fun in spite of it.

 

No they have friends that they would never confide in - the kind that they cannot trust. They know I am not the type to pass judgement or rat them out. It is none of my business.

 

Does not mean I approve of cheating. I don't. So I don't do it. That doesn't mean I need to patrol other peoples personal lives. They all know I don't cheat.

 

People cheat for all kinds of reasons. And I am not the one to judge if it is right or wrong that they do. I have met some people that I do understand why they are cheating. It is not always a black and white issue.

[bentnotbroken]

No they have friends that they would never confide in - the kind that they cannot trust. They know I am not the type to pass judgement or rat them out. It is none of my business.

 

Does not mean I approve of cheating. I don't. So I don't do it. That doesn't mean I need to patrol other peoples personal lives. They all know I don't cheat.

 

People cheat for all kinds of reasons. And I am not the one to judge if it is right or wrong that they do. I have met some people that I do understand why they are cheating. It is not always a black and white issue.

 

 

Sure it is. Donna is right. We attract the type of people we really are. I don't have friends who cheat. I think that your gray outlook on life is attractive to those who also have that outlook. As I do have a black and white outlook, those are the type of people I attract. I think that happens in all aspects of our lives. Political views, religious views, child rearing views. I think it is just one of the communities that we live in. Not to mention we are just more comfortable with people who are similiar to ourselves.

[Dexter Morgan]

I have to admit that if what happened to Dexter happened to me, yes, that might be a different matter. In that case, my 'friends' aren't just unwittingly finding out about something, they're in effect front-row spectators and by their own behavior condoning and even tacitly encouraging infidelity.

 

and if they may not be telling you about it, they sure will be talking to everyone else about it.

 

this is the part that perplexed me. they wanted to keep their mouths shut to me, but not other people.

either they keep their mouth shut, or they don't. either way, they aren't very good friends if they didn't tell me.

[Reggie]

Yeah, it is pretty balck and white to me, I guess. There are just so many other options and the damage to a BS is just too great. I don't think it is ever justified.

I don't patrol my friends' personal lives. But, if I see someone hurting my friend and I can help mitigate the trauma by giving him the heads up, I would not hesitate.

One poster described a situation where the husband hit in her, she informed the spouse, and was made out to be the bad guy.

I think that is a different scenario, althought the BS's reaction to getting the news is not right. But, in those situations, I think the WS lies and says things were reversed or the informer is crazy. Some BSs want to believe this, so they side with the WS.

But, in this case, he has irrefutable proof and he is not the one being hit on.

Would any BS here have been pissed to have a third party tell them. It would have saved me a lot of grief and confusion. I'd be grateful.

[a4a]

Sure it is. Donna is right. We attract the type of people we really are. I don't have friends who cheat. I think that your gray outlook on life is attractive to those who also have that outlook. As I do have a black and white outlook, those are the type of people I attract. I think that happens in all aspects of our lives. Political views, religious views, child rearing views. I think it is just one of the communities that we live in. Not to mention we are just more comfortable with people who are similiar to ourselves.

 

ok so if I work for a couple and we end up being friends and hanging out a number of times and the W confesses she cheated...... I am a cheater?

 

I don't smoke pot........ what if they smoke pot...... are they scum and I should never ever ever speak to them? Am I a raging pot head too?

 

No. I also have friends that are lazy as hell and keep their homes like a pigsty. Doesn't mean I do. I don't tell them they need to clean up their house. It is their house. They have to live in it not me.

 

I do love this holier than thou attitude here....... pretty funny.

 

I find people that are different most interesting to be around. I don't need to just hang out with people that think and do exactly what I think and do.

 

My BFF is a baptist...... very much unlike myself. I respect her views and she respects my atheist views. So no you are not a cheater if your friends cheat or have cheated.

 

Interesting indeed - since I choose not to get involved in another persons M/R I now have seedy friends - I am seedy - I condone their seediness - I am pro seedy.

 

It is amazing how much people get their panties in a bunch over a simple cheating scenario posted on the internet by a complete stranger. Maybe that is why I don't get involved in other peoples affairs in real life.

[bentnotbroken]

ok so if I work for a couple and we end up being friends and hanging out a number of times and the W confesses she cheated...... I am a cheater?

 

I don't smoke pot........ what if they smoke pot...... are they scum and I should never ever ever speak to them? Am I a raging pot head too?

 

No. I also have friends that are lazy as hell and keep their homes like a pigsty. Doesn't mean I do. I don't tell them they need to clean up their house. It is their house. They have to live in it not me.

 

I do love this holier than thou attitude here....... pretty funny.

 

I find people that are different most interesting to be around. I don't need to just hang out with people that think and do exactly what I think and do.

 

My BFF is a baptist...... very much unlike myself. I respect her views and she respects my atheist views. So no you are not a cheater if your friends cheat or have cheated.

 

Interesting indeed - since I choose not to get involved in another persons M/R I now have seedy friends - I am seedy - I condone their seediness - I am pro seedy.

 

It is amazing how much people get their panties in a bunch over a simple cheating scenario posted on the internet by a complete stranger. Maybe that is why I don't get involved in other peoples affairs in real life.

 

 

Wow:lmao:reach much. I never said you had seedy friends. It was a sociological(making practical use of my class) assessment. We as humans tend to group with like minded people. It is the way that different species(including) humans have managed to survive.

 

I too have friends of differing denominations. Our core beliefs are the same we just disagree on small aspects, not enough to not be their for one another in times of need. The funny thing is I have family members who smoke pot and are alcoholics:lmao:I am neither. Wow, I can't believe how you blew that one out of the water. :lmao:

 

The OP asked if he should tell a friend. I guess our definitions of friends are different. They mean as much to me as my family. So I guess that's where we differ. Sorry to upset your sensibilities. I will take my holier than thou marbles and move on.:lmao:

[lkjh]

Oh poo-foo.......what a stretch this is..........

 

 

How is it a stretch....Maryland gives a fine for it, Wisconsin has it listed as a class one felony, and Michigan has it punishable up to life in prison. I know they don't actually give people life in prison but its possible. Actually most of the states have it listed as a crime. If you are in the armed forces it is most definitely a crime.

[Reggie]

Yes, but there is no crime for aiding and abetting in this situation. In fact one can stand idly by and do nothing when witnessing most crimes.

I have no doubt that adultery is on the books as a crime in some states. But, one is not legally. But, the law does not require people to do much of anything to stop a crime.

[lkjh]

Yes, but there is no crime for aiding and abetting in this situation. In fact one can stand idly by and do nothing when witnessing most crimes.

I have no doubt that adultery is on the books as a crime in some states. But, one is not legally. But, the law does not require people to do much of anything to stop a crime.

 

 

Actually if you are question by a someone investigating a crime which includes divorce attorneys you have to tell the truth. Otherwise you can be charged with Obstruction of Justice(1510 on the link). Also, it depends on the DA; if they want they can charge someone with aiding and abetting. Aiding and Abetting applies it self to all crimes even misdemeanors.

 

http://criminal.findlaw.com/crimes/a-z/aiding_abetting_accessory.html

 

http://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/18/usc_sup_01_18_10_I_20_73.html

[stuckinoz]

How is it a stretch....Maryland gives a fine for it, Wisconsin has it listed as a class one felony, and Michigan has it punishable up to life in prison. I know they don't actually give people life in prison but its possible. Actually most of the states have it listed as a crime. If you are in the armed forces it is most definitely a crime.

 

But they aren't in the armed forces...& It's a stretch to say they would be an ACCOMPLICE to a crime....It's just sooooo far fetched. Whether these "Crimes" as you call it are really punishable by LAW. Hell there's a law in Lawrence Kansas...Close to where I live.... That states: All cars entering the city limits must first sound their horn to warn the horses of their arrival. I have yet to sound my horn when entering Lawrence & have never been arrested for it. That's my point - It's just crazy & a stretch.