Should I be wondering?

[LoveLace]

I've been here before to talk about C, the musician, that at one time, I hoped for a connection with, but it's grown to be a special friendship....one I've grown to feel pretty lucky to have, because he's a very good listener and supporter for me.

 

Recently Dan and I met up, and he hurt me again, yadda yadda...when I was at my most upset, I hung out with C, who made me laugh and cheered me up...At that time, he informed me of a new girlfriend that he seemed to be crazy about...I said I was happy for him, even though I wasn't happy for myself, at the time. That was a couple months ago.

 

Since then, he's talked about their relationship and from the beginning, she sounded like a bit of a mess for a guy like him, who's really got his sh*t together. It seemed like he was struggling with her some. Last week, he called and said they broke up. He was just head over heels, and they've been trying to "work it out" since then; mean time I've been trying to be there and give advice best I can, even though I don't know if I'm really qualified to be doing that...it seems she hurts him over and over and he has a hard time with it...I couldn't help but tell him all about Dan because I was crazy over him too, despite of how much he hurt me. I told him that I've gone 3 years hoping things will change, but they don't, and told him it's a bad idea to let himself suffer, if it's hurting him that much.

 

Today he called, and asked me to a sporting event tomorrow. I love sports, so I instantly said h*ll yea. He then said that last night, the ex proved that she is truly just a drunken hot mess, and the bar wins over him every time, and he told her to leave him alone....ok, whatever...I don't know if he really took my own story to heart, or what, but it sounds like he's grown some of a back bone, at least.

 

So we made plans for tomorrow and hung up. Right after, he calls me again to tell me where he's playing tonight and hopefully he'll see me then...I probably can't go...but that just made me wonder, because now all of a sudden it appears that he's asking for my company, well, a lot more than normal....I've gotten to the point where he almost seems like a brother to me...but he IS a wonderful man that any girl should feel lucky to have. But he's a hopeless romantic...he admits...anyway, I don't want to be any kind of rebound thing, I'm just hoping that's not where this is headed...should I be cautious here? Or is he just very appreciative of me? Also one night last week, I was out with friends, and he texted...I told him we were out but it was a far drive for him...but he said he didn't care, wanted to come and meet me...and he did...I mean, we have gone out of our way for each other a few times, but that night he seemed so anxious, and usually he's not up for the drive...

 

Maybe a small part of me doesn't mind if I don't see him as a "brother"...but he's been the kind of guy to me that I don't get from other guys, I'd sorda like to keep it that way...

[WTRanger]

Proceed with caution. It sounds like it might be heading that way. How would you feel if it didn't happen quickly, more gradually you two become closer and closer over a span of several months?

 

This is where I feel these situations are strange. You obviously like his company, he likes yours. The two of you have great times together, you make each other happy, and you make each other feel alive. There's obviously an attraction at least on the subconscious level. You two seem excited and look forward to seeing each other. So why not let it progress naturally to the next level? I think this is where that pesky organ known as the brain is stuck in neutral. What is the hold up? Why so much over thinking and over analyzing?

 

Tell me, honestly, what are you more afraid of losing? Him or his attention he gives you? The sorta, kinda, maybes need to be taken out of this. Either you see him as a boyfriend or you see him as a guy-friend. Do or do not. It won't and it shouldn't be an overnight decision either. Take your time with this and it could lead to something more amazing that you'd ever imagined.

[Ariadne]

Well,

 

He probably figured that you are up for a FWB deal once you told him about Dan.

 

And since he is kind of lonely, don't be surprised he'd want something more and that's why he's putting the effort.

 

Too bad with Dan. I thought that might have a chance.

 

If you go for it you might end up falling for this guy, but with your luck, it might not even happen.

 

Boy you LL, with the nursing school drama and these guys, I can't say I envy you. At least you have your mom nearby.

 

Hugs.

[LoveLace]

Boy you LL, with the nursing school drama and these guys, I can't say I envy you. At least you have your mom nearby.

 

Hugs.

 

 

Tell me about it...I lost my drivers license today...I must have broken a mirror sometime in the last 7 years. lol. But I don't speak of a sexual thing with Dan to my friend....just that I understand what he's going through...I understand how it feels to fall for someone who makes it impossible to enjoy...beyond that, I haven't bored him with further details. C isn't a FWB kind of guy...he takes every relationship he has pretty seriously, and puts tons of effort into them...think I've seen him hurt more than hurt other people.

 

Ranger I think you are right. No reason not to chill and just see what's goin on here...I think I know what I could be afraid of though...cuz we definitely share chemistry on the brain level, as you said...but on a physical level, well he only goes for the REALLY hot chicks...thin with perfect little bods...and he gets them because of he's high-profile and gorgeous himself. I think I'm afraid because I'm not so thin, I'm chunky but I'm fairly cute...I've grown to accept that there are some men that just don't feel attracted by my type, but others do so it's fine. For him it would have to be taking a step down in the physical attraction dept...I don't think it's necessarily low esteem talking here, but just a fact because I've seen what he goes for...it's a lot easier to think of myself as his cute little sister who's always there for moral support...what I'm afraid of is thinking I might be in competition with what he's used to, physically anyway. I know it's totally silly...I probably wouldn't think that way if I've known of him to date plain jane, girl-next-door types, but that isn't the case. I guess I'm just a little nervous because I've grown to be in a pretty comfortable place with our friendship and anything past that will just bring my insecurities out - unless I go on a diet and lose 15 lbs, I'd feel better about the possiblities

[Ariadne]

C isn't a FWB kind of guy...he takes every relationship he has pretty seriously, and puts tons of effort into them...think I've seen him hurt more than hurt other people.

 

Ok then, hopefully this friendship could build up into something more with time (in case you are still interested in him).

 

And sorry about the licence! OMG

 

(Maybe you should go get a cleansing with some herbs )

[LoveLace]

Ok then, hopefully this friendship could build up into something more with time (in case you are still interested in him).

 

And sorry about the licence! OMG

 

 

 

Haha yea, off post here, but luckily it's a lot easier to retrieve a new DL then it is to get back into nursing school, lol.

[Ariadne]

Haha yea, off post here, but luckily it's a lot easier to retrieve a new DL then it is to get back into nursing school, lol.

 

Well, there's million private nursing schools that would probably take you.

 

One F is no problem, especially if you pay them they don't care.

 

And you are almost done, so it's just a couple courses or tests.

 

You'll be a nurse. I promise you right now!

[LoveLace]

Well, there's million private nursing schools that would probably take you.

 

One F is no problem, especially if you pay them they don't care.

 

And you are almost done, so it's just a couple courses or tests.

 

You'll be a nurse. I promise you right now!

 

 

I'll hold you to that Ariadne! No, I'm grateful because I've come to have that same attitude...I know another school will take me...just don't know when yet...

[LoveLace]

Ah yes! Think i got my answer...

 

We had a great time today...he didn't talk about the ex as much as I thought he might, but it wasn't going to bother me either way...he did inform that he's already started working on her "replacement", though....man, he's woman-hopper, that's for sure...and well, arrogant at times...but he is an excellent friend to me that I respect as a person, this has to be better than being one of his transition girls...

 

He did mention that I was the 1st "non-girlfriend" he's taken to the baseball game, too...have to admit I wondered why he wouldn't take miss replacement instead, I guess he just hasn't gotten far enough with her for that, yet! Whatever the case, very nice of him to take me. Like I said, gives me what a lot of other guys don't...trust, respect, and support. It's nice to not be in a situation where that can be compromised. Sometimes, the "friend zone" is just an okay place to be...

 

However, what about if I got into a relationship, I don't think most boyfriends would be too okay with me hanging out alone with a good-looking "friend"...and he does this with me weather he has a g-friend or not..he and I know it's stictly platonic, but it's still the kind of friendship that would have to make an SO wonder...oh well, guess that's no concern of mine yet..

[LoveLace]

Ok so, he broke up with someone, drove kind of a haul to hang out with me one night...then takes me to a baseball game but tells me he's working on his "replacement" that he said he's "hung out with a few times and is cool"...so I figured there's no intentions with me on his part, and here he is again, texting today to ask if I want to hang out again tomorrow night, and again at the place that requires him to drive all the way from his town...this has gone from hanging out once a month or so...to now make this the 3rd time in a week, 5th time or so this month...the guy that says he's too busy for most people, unless they are really important to him...so to hear from him just every so often has been normal and expected...he travels for his job + works a 2nd job, has a billion trillion friends, so I've always thought he's a pretty good friend for someone with so much in his life...

 

But this, is unexpected....he took me to the ball game because he and his GF broke up...found out she was the original date there...but he knows I love baseball games and such, and I've been all ears about his chick problems, so I chalked it up to that....I am just surprised that he's suggesting more time together so soon...also knowing that, at one time, I did have a crush on him.

 

I posted here cuz I was feeling a bit thrown off, but then got my head back on straight...now i"m thrown off, again.

[Kamille]

 

However, what about if I got into a relationship, I don't think most boyfriends would be too okay with me hanging out alone with a good-looking "friend"...and he does this with me weather he has a g-friend or not..he and I know it's stictly platonic, but it's still the kind of friendship that would have to make an SO wonder...oh well, guess that's no concern of mine yet..

 

Oh my goodness! You are too funny - you do have a vivid imagination. Yeah, let's deal with the what will my b-friend think hurdle once you get there!

[paddington bear]

Ah yes! Think i got my answer...

 

We had a great time today...he didn't talk about the ex as much as I thought he might, but it wasn't going to bother me either way...he did inform that he's already started working on her "replacement", though....man, he's woman-hopper, that's for sure...and well, arrogant at times...but he is an excellent friend to me that I respect as a person, this has to be better than being one of his transition girls...

 

He did mention that I was the 1st "non-girlfriend" he's taken to the baseball game, too...have to admit I wondered why he wouldn't take miss replacement instead, I guess he just hasn't gotten far enough with her for that, yet! Whatever the case, very nice of him to take me. Like I said, gives me what a lot of other guys don't...trust, respect, and support. It's nice to not be in a situation where that can be compromised. Sometimes, the "friend zone" is just an okay place to be...

 

However, what about if I got into a relationship, I don't think most boyfriends would be too okay with me hanging out alone with a good-looking "friend"...and he does this with me weather he has a g-friend or not..he and I know it's stictly platonic, but it's still the kind of friendship that would have to make an SO wonder...oh well, guess that's no concern of mine yet..

 

I just wrote a long reply to your posts on this and lost it...should it miraculously pop up again, sorry for the double-post.

 

I read all your posts about this guy from the beginning and simply have to say a few things to you because I've been exactly in the position you're in and have acted in the same way and I think you're going to get hurt.

 

Firstly I would say, he described you as a non-girlfriend. I know you think that maybe that makes you special in some way, that he normally only takes dates or girlfriends to a ball game, but for now just focus on how he described you 'a non-girlfriend'.

 

I would also beg you to please own up to your feelings about this guy. I liked a guy, was friendzoned and the result seemed to be me feeling somewhat embarrassed for daring to like him more as a friend, so I pretended to him and myself that I was FINE being friends, when in fact I was hoping hoping that one day he'd realise that we were meant to be together.

 

At least admit to yourself what you want from this guy otherwise when and if he meets someone else and you're crushed you'll feel even more confused and will have to play the game of being SO happy for him with his new love when in fact you're heartbroken. Admitting to yourself that you for sure want more and that's why you're hanging out with him at least puts you in a position where as soon as you see the signs that he's not going to give you what you want, that you can hopefully pull back before you get really hurt. If he were to say 'Lovelace, I think I've fallen in love with you, let's give it a shot' what would your reply be? I suspect you wouldn't hesitate.

 

The friendzone is a good place to be in when you still have hope. You are in that place of hope now. You're not dating him, but it feels like dating. He's not in a relationship and you think 'aha! finally he's free to pursue me'. Should he meet someone else and expect you to be totally happy about it, the friendzone will not be a good place to be in at all.

 

And I know what you're thinking about the replacement girl, you're hoping that it's you. You could be right, but until he's actually verbally said something to you to indicate that he wants you as a girlfriend and more than a friend, please banish all thoughts and hopes along those lines from your head .

 

Again, I've had my male buddy that I was in love with and he knew it, but still kept me strung on as a friend, saying similar things and I always pretended that of course he couldn't be talking about me, while secretly hoping he was talking about me. He wasn't talking about me. Imagine the scenario where this guy asks you to one of his gigs one night and introduces you to for example, Nicole, then later says 'that was the replacement girl I said I was lining up, isn't she great?'. How would that make you feel? I've been there and can tell you that for sure, you do not want to feel those feelings and all the while having to plaster a big smile on your face and pretend that you are so delighted. Soon after hearing his good news you'll make your excuses to leave and go home and cry in your pillow.

 

This has to be better than one of his transition girls. Well, I can see you think 'at least he values me, he treats me like a human being and not someone to be used for sex in between relationships'. However, it could be that he just sees you as a buddy, I have found that if a guy doesn't make some kind of move on you, or his intentions known within a certain time period, it's not him being respectful of you, he's just not that interested in having anything more than a friendship with you. So again be careful of your assumptions.

 

You said 'he's a woman-hopper'. Just take note of this as well. Just because he's taken you to a baseball game etc, it doesn't mean that if he were to make a move on you, that you won't end up being one of the women he's hopping to and from.

 

Him driving all that way to see you is a good sign I would say, and the wanting to spend time with you. However I've said all of the above not to rain on your parade, but simply that you take a step back, honestly evaluate what you want from this guy, friendship really? Or more? By admitting to yourself that you want more, it could prevent you from wasting months of your valuable life hoping for him to reciprocate your affections, when instead at some point you might realise that he is never going to give you more and know when to cut loose.

 

Sorry for the long post, but you're acting and thinking so similar to me in the same situation, this happened to me twice and I ended up both times getting very very badly hurt, so I don't want the same thing to happen to you.

 

A final point, beware of acting like a 'friend' with a guy you want more from. Act like a potential girlfriend. A potential girlfriend does not want to hear about the other girls he's dating, she doesn't listen to all his problems and try to help him out. And forget the dropping 15 pounds, if he decides to go for it with you then it doesn't bother him and nor should it bother you.

 

However, tread carefully with him, he seems suddenly keen, play it cool and don't always be at his beck and call, the problem with your situation is that he already knows you like him and so some of the chase has gone for him. Don't drop everything to go see him etc, let him chase you a little. Act more like a potential girlfriend and less like a friend, this might help him adjust his perception of you as simply a buddy.

 

And as someone posted somewhere else on this site 'you teach men how to treat you'. So, are you only good enough for friend material? No. You deserve to have this guy love you and have sex with you and date you and all those nice things. By agreeing to be friends you are already teaching him that you're happy to wait around and hear about his love life problems and don't deserve any more than that. So look more to your own wants and needs and less about his.

 

Wishing you the best of luck and keep us posted how it progresses. I'm hoping for your sake that this is one of those rare occassions where the best female buddy actually ends up as the girlfriend.