Problems with Friend and her new BF

[Quirkalicious]

Hello. I came here because this is really bothering me and I need some advice. This is long, sorry.

 

My best friend and I have been friends for six years. We live together and run a business together, and she is the sister I've never had. Lately we have had some conflicts though.

 

It all started last Sunday (Mother's Day). She has been dating a guy for almost 2 months and he had just come back from a trip. They went out that night and she came back all bubbly and happy. We talked about her date and then I asked if she called her mom. Her mom has terminal lung cancer and has been given 6-18 months to live...turns out she hadn't even talked to her mom that day and they usually talk every day. I made her call her mom on the spot. Her mom was really happy to hear from her. After that, she was talking about her date again and that he had asked her out for the next day and I said, well, we're going out for my birthday tomorrow right? She got quiet and said she forgot. Then she started on her "I'm sorry I'm a bad friend" trip and I had to reassure her she was not.

 

The next day she leaves me a Facebook happy b-day message, and for my birthday she gave me...three packs of cigarettes and a takeout fish platter. I felt VERY slighted...for her birthday I got up and made her her favorite cake with homemade icing, two presents, sang her a silly song, and told her how much her friendship met to me. I wasn't expecting all of that for mine because she doesn't go out for birthdays like I do, but she knows I like cards and I'd told her I wanted to go to the movies. I didn't get either. NGL I cried a little bit. That night I had to work and she went out with her man again.

 

After that I didn't want to talk to her. When I get deeply upset I shut down and go into solitary mode. I went to the movies myself the next day. When I came back she'd bought me a comforter but I was still pretty mad. I thanked her for it though. Things were pretty frosty here all week and it didn't help that her BF stayed over every single night. I felt that she was picking her BF over me and her mom and blowing off days that were important to us. I know that romantic love is amazing and a whirlwind and all but still.

 

Friday was the worst. I came home from work in the morning and I was thinking about apologizing and airing everything out, but when I arrived her BF was there and I got irrationally pissed all over again. She came down and we greeted each other icily. Her boyfriend said, "well, it's the legendary Niki, who I have heard such great things about!" and I said "hmm" and went back to making breakfast. Apparently he complained about me, saying "I was on my best behavior!" so she told me later. About an hour later I felt horrible and went to her and apologized for my behavior. We talked it all out over about an hour, cried, hugged, everything.

 

Today I texted her a compliment about the tea he brought her and she texted back that she won't pass it on to him because doesn't think she can repair the damage from my first impression. I texted her back that it wasn't her responsibility, it was mine, and not to worry because things were going to work out.

 

Basically I think this has real potential to drive a wedge between us, especially if he is complaining about me. For the record, I don't really care for him because I find him clingy and insecure but I have never said anything to her. She is happy for the first time in a long time after dating a string of jerks, but I do worry because she trusts people very quickly and she has been burned a lot. How can I repair the damage and make sure things go smoothly from now on? I know I have to control my temper.

 

Thank you.

[boogieboy]

How bout not bieng so needy for your friends attention and backing off??? It's not all about you, and its not all about you having some kind of input.

 

Let her have her run with the new guy, maybe find a guy for yourelf? Your not her mother, you shouldnt be pushing her away by telling her she has to do this and that. SHes a grown woman, she makes her own decisions. You feel her pulling away and youre gonna drive her away from you further.

 

Leave her alone and let her initiate contact with you for a while. Once you start that, she'll come calling. Let her have her fun. If you're lonely, get a boyfriend.

[Quirkalicious]

Your not her mother, you shouldnt be pushing her away by telling her she has to do this and that. SHes a grown woman, she makes her own decisions. You feel her pulling away and youre gonna drive her away from you further.

 

I would normally agree but we have a weird friendship. She hates when I pull away and try to give her space, and she loves it when I nag her and tell her what to do. She has actually told me that it makes her feel loved. That's another reason why I really worry about her, because if she loves it when I control her, what happens if some guy who doesn't have her best interests in mind does the same thing?

[TaraMaiden]

This was working fine until she got herself a BF. now she is attached, I doubt very much she will either want you to, or need you to fill that role.

You have become surplus to requirement....it happens you know.

just be there for her as a friend, but know that when a guy shows up, the whole dynamic changes.

if she breaks up with him, that might restore the balance, but never to the way it was.

 

You need to leave things be.

 

I wish you well.

 

_/l\_

[Art_Critic]

You need to remember that you are both friends and not lovers

 

It seems like you are the one causing the friction.. Are you jealous of her BF ?

 

Try and re-read your post but as if you didn't write it.. someone else wrote it..

 

You come off as spoiled, jealous and quite the complainer...

Can you see it ?

 

By the way.. I normally don't post in such a manner but I culdn't come up with any other way to get my thoughts across that you might see what is going on...

[westernxer]

Change sure sucks, doesn't it?

[Quirkalicious]

You need to remember that you are both friends and not lovers

 

It seems like you are the one causing the friction.. Are you jealous of her BF ?

 

Try and re-read your post but as if you didn't write it.. someone else wrote it..

 

You come off as spoiled, jealous and quite the complainer...

Can you see it ?

 

By the way.. I normally don't post in such a manner but I culdn't come up with any other way to get my thoughts across that you might see what is going on...

 

Oh, no, I don't mind. I came here for some honest advice. And I am pretty spoiled. If I need to back off, I will. I want her to be happy. I DO NOT want to come between her and her BF.

[Quirkalicious]

This was working fine until she got herself a BF. now she is attached, I doubt very much she will either want you to, or need you to fill that role.

You have become surplus to requirement....it happens you know.

just be there for her as a friend, but know that when a guy shows up, the whole dynamic changes.

if she breaks up with him, that might restore the balance, but never to the way it was.

 

You need to leave things be.

 

I wish you well.

 

_/l\_

 

Thank you. I will take your advice.

[Ronni_W]

another reason why I really worry about her, because if she loves it when I control her, what happens if some guy who doesn't have her best interests in mind does the same thing?

Well, she's gonna let "some guy" control and nag her the same way she let you do it, yes? Even if YOU don't see that he's acting in her "best interests", he WILL BE acting in her best interests because, as you are aware, that is what she currently needs to experience in her life.

 

But. Those are her fears, insecurities and dysfunctions that have her thinking/saying that she "loves" to be nagged and controlled!

To me, it's weird that you didn't pick up on how ridiculous such a self-concept/image is, and that you didn't take on the role of trying to help her increase her self-esteem and self-confidence...instead of becoming a controlling, nagging force in her life. (By doing that, you ensured that you would become an unwanted/redundant force, at some point.)

 

In any case. She has that self-concept, so she will attract people who are willing to control and nag her (as she attracted you)...but the people to whom she assigns as her "primary nagger/controller" will change according to her other needs and wants.

Best guess is that she's going to hand (or has already handed) over that role to her boyfriend.

 

With or without her boyfriend in the picture, you have been doing her a disservice (though you may not see it.) At this point, you can choose to graciously give up your parent-like nagging/controlling role in her life, and allow her to start making her own adult decisions and choices...or you can continue to try to maintain your stranglehold over her life which, currently or in the future, she surely will rebel against, with or without "some guy" in her life.

[boogieboy]

 

By the way.. I normally don't post in such a manner but I culdn't come up with any other way to get my thoughts across that you might see what is going on...

 

You have a much better bedside posting manner than I do.

[thewingwoman]

Unlike some of the others here, I can definitely understand your irritation. A friend blowing off plans with me in general is a huge peeve of mine... But a friend blowing off my birthday, that would set me off as well. You've been there for her for 6 years, and within two months she's blowing off very important days to be with this guy? I feel your pain.

 

Friends are supposedly those people that are going to be there through all the b.s. that other people put you through... or so that's what everyone tells us. But the kind of friends that will blow you off just because they have someone else to spend time with suddenly are the kind of people I try to keep out of my life (just recently cut contact with my best friend of 3 years because she was doing similar things, only not with one guy, but every time she got a boyfriend, and she never went more than 2 months between boyfriends).

 

I'm not telling you to "dump" your friend. But definitely express to her that you do not appreciate her spacing on your birthday, or any of your other plans, just because she's excited about a new guy. Bring her back down to earth and remind her that, yes, she's in the honeymoon phase a relationship right now, but if she doesn't start putting other things in perspective, her life might take a change for the worse if/when he walks out of it, beyond just losing him.

[Quirkalicious]

Well, she's gonna let "some guy" control and nag her the same way she let you do it, yes? Even if YOU don't see that he's acting in her "best interests", he WILL BE acting in her best interests because, as you are aware, that is what she currently needs to experience in her life.

 

But. Those are her fears, insecurities and dysfunctions that have her thinking/saying that she "loves" to be nagged and controlled!

To me, it's weird that you didn't pick up on how ridiculous such a self-concept/image is, and that you didn't take on the role of trying to help her increase her self-esteem and self-confidence...instead of becoming a controlling, nagging force in her life. (By doing that, you ensured that you would become an unwanted/redundant force, at some point.)

 

In any case. She has that self-concept, so she will attract people who are willing to control and nag her (as she attracted you)...but the people to whom she assigns as her "primary nagger/controller" will change according to her other needs and wants.

Best guess is that she's going to hand (or has already handed) over that role to her boyfriend.

 

With or without her boyfriend in the picture, you have been doing her a disservice (though you may not see it.) At this point, you can choose to graciously give up your parent-like nagging/controlling role in her life, and allow her to start making her own adult decisions and choices...or you can continue to try to maintain your stranglehold over her life which, currently or in the future, she surely will rebel against, with or without "some guy" in her life.

 

I did pick up on it. I am not that blind. I tell her that her thoughts and feelings are valid no matter what, and I give her a lot of emotional support. In fact, that was one of the things we talked about Friday - sometimes I feel sucked dry emotionally and I wished sometimes I could be honest about my feelings instead of putting on the happy face all the time.

 

I found the "please nag me" requests weird at first - who wouldn't? - but she told me she likes feeling that someone cares about her and makes sure she doesn't slack. The more I found out about her childhood and past the fewer problems I had with it. I don't nag her 24/7 or about everything but when it comes to birthdays, anniversaries, things like that, yes I do.

[Ronni_W]

I give her a lot of emotional support. ... - sometimes I feel sucked dry emotionally and I wished sometimes I could be honest about my feelings

I used to do the same thing. It IS so draining, depleting and exhausting because (a) dynamically/energetically, we are acting like Parents even though we don't have the emotional, mental and spiritual resources to actually be parents and, (b) in order to "serve our children" better, we end up having to deny/ignore/suppress our own valid feelings, needs, desires, etc.

 

It totally does suck one dry, emotionally...and mentally, physically and spiritually! And it does not help them to become independent and self-reliant. And we become disposable/replaceable Parents because, inevitably, they will fall in love and see their love partner as a "better" nagger/controller, or we will fall in love and stop having time and energy to cater to their (dysfunctional, high-maintenance) needs and desires.

 

From my own experience (and subsequent therapy), I've realized that it was a MUTUAL set-up...I was 100% responsible for my enabling/codependent beliefs and actions, and the other party was 100% responsible for his/hers.

That is, just because SHE needed to be in an enabling/codependent relationship does NOT mean that you were obligated to also participate -- you did it to fill your own needs...same as I did.

 

It's always a MUTUAL "dance" that is being played out, where both dancers' needs, however unhealthy/maladaptive, are being taken care of to one or another degree. Each person has the same lesson to learn, but it looks different because it's the opposite side of the same 'coin'.

 

If your friend just "transfers" her crap onto her boyfriend, then she'll be learning her lesson in her next relationship or another friendship.

However, you have the option, right now, to stop your side of things so that you won't have to relive this in some future situation.

[missdependant]

She is your best friend, not your boyfriend.

 

You should let her have fun with the guy she's dating.

 

As unfortunate as her mother's situation is, and I hate to say this.. but it is HER responsibility to keep in contact with her. Yes, it is VERY screwed up for her to have not called her mother on her own accord; especially knowing that this could be her last mother's day.. but like I said, it is her responsibility. She will realize her own mistakes one day and hopefully learn from it.

 

Your first impression was not good at all, I agree. But I do think they are both acting a bit immature in thinking it should be difficult to overcome. This isn't high school. You're all adults, and you should be able to get past something so trivial.

 

Did you make PLANS to hang out with her on your birthday? If the issue was that you did in fact make plans together and she left you out in the cold, you should have just come out and told her straight up "hey, thanks for ditching me on my birthday it really hurt my feelings."

 

Do you have any other friends you can confide in? Why not start spending more time with other friends who aren't preoccupied? New love can be very refreshing and exciting and also very time-consuming, and it is up to you as her best friend to acknowledge this. Let her have her fun, and let her enjoy what is possibly the best part of any relationship. During that time, find something else to do like a hobby or another friend to hang out with, get involved in the dating scene yourself, etc.

[Quirkalicious]

Did you make PLANS to hang out with her on your birthday? If the issue was that you did in fact make plans together and she left you out in the cold, you should have just come out and told her straight up "hey, thanks for ditching me on my birthday it really hurt my feelings."

 

Do you have any other friends you can confide in? Why not start spending more time with other friends who aren't preoccupied? New love can be very refreshing and exciting and also very time-consuming, and it is up to you as her best friend to acknowledge this. Let her have her fun, and let her enjoy what is possibly the best part of any relationship. During that time, find something else to do like a hobby or another friend to hang out with, get involved in the dating scene yourself, etc.

 

Thanks for the good advice.

 

I made plans with her a month in advance. I even put it on her Outlook calendar at her request so she wouldn't forget.

 

I do talk to my other friends, but we don't do things together often. I work on-call nights and weekends so it's hard to do get togethers.

 

I was thinking in two weeks or so I will offer to make dinner and extend the olive branch. Do you think this is a good idea?

[missdependant]

Thanks for the good advice.

 

I made plans with her a month in advance. I even put it on her Outlook calendar at her request so she wouldn't forget.

 

I do talk to my other friends, but we don't do things together often. I work on-call nights and weekends so it's hard to do get togethers.

 

I was thinking in two weeks or so I will offer to make dinner and extend the olive branch. Do you think this is a good idea?

 

Never hurts to offer. The worst that can happen is they say no.

 

And I doubt they will.

 

Give some space though, between now and in two weeks when you are planning this.

[engravefeelthevoid]

remember that u 2 r friends...if there are feelings involved from ur side...then u must shift your mind to another set of treatment and rules.

[Quirkalicious]

Thanks to everyone again. I have taken all your advice and gave them space. Things have been looking up the past couple of days and they have been having lots of fun together. Everybody's happy!

[Carlyy17]

i wanted to respond to your post because i am going through a slightly similar situation...only im the one with the boyfriend. now you seem like a great friend and from what you wrote, it does seem like your friend is ignoring you a little more than she should be. you need friends in your life and she shouldn't spend all her time with her boyfriend. but.. you need to be supportive of her too! it seems like you are trying. in the beginning of my relationship, i spent a great deal of time with my friends and tried to balance it out as much as possible. but they NEVER wanted me to see my boyfriend. i felt like they were so against me having one. i began to lie about hanging out with them so they wont get mad. to this day, my friends and my boyfriend are not close. they hardly know each other! and it kills me! all i want is for them to get along... so what im trying to tell you is to do whatever you can to convince your friend that u are supportive and accepting of her relationship. talk to her about how u feel but encourage her to go out with him too! if my friends were to do that to me... i would have wanted to hang out with them a whole lot more and things would have been a lot better than they are now!

[sheena.gomez]

remember be friendly to everyone.

[Quirkalicious]

i wanted to respond to your post because i am going through a slightly similar situation...only im the one with the boyfriend. now you seem like a great friend and from what you wrote, it does seem like your friend is ignoring you a little more than she should be. you need friends in your life and she shouldn't spend all her time with her boyfriend. but.. you need to be supportive of her too! it seems like you are trying. in the beginning of my relationship, i spent a great deal of time with my friends and tried to balance it out as much as possible. but they NEVER wanted me to see my boyfriend. i felt like they were so against me having one. i began to lie about hanging out with them so they wont get mad. to this day, my friends and my boyfriend are not close. they hardly know each other! and it kills me! all i want is for them to get along... so what im trying to tell you is to do whatever you can to convince your friend that u are supportive and accepting of her relationship. talk to her about how u feel but encourage her to go out with him too! if my friends were to do that to me... i would have wanted to hang out with them a whole lot more and things would have been a lot better than they are now!

 

I'm sorry you're in that situation. It hurts from all sides, doesn't it? *hug*

 

I think the key to me and my friend was sitting down and having an honest talk about it. I told her I would support whatever decision she made and we both had the chance to air out how we truly felt.

 

Of course now the guy is turning into a real shady dick but that' a whole other problem.