Nedved Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 Hi all i've been reading a lot of threads here the last few days so i decided to tell my story and hopefully get some feed back from which is a difficult time for me. Up till a few days ago i was in a relationship with a girl for 4 years who was a everything to me. She was so i thought the love of my life. We're both from europe but from different conutries and met in my home town where she was living at the time. we started out as friends and after a few months became close and lovers. After a year or so we moved in togther and enjoyed a really nice life in a cosy little apartment. About 1 year ago she got very homesick and moved home. Due to a work contract i was unable to go with her so the relationship became long distant with a view to me joining her this summer. We visited regular and chatted everyday on the phone. My ex gf suffers with stress and worries about work a lot and it requires a lot of confidence building and a lot of my time was taken up comforting her and building up her confidence over the 4 years. While visiting her last weekend i noticed a real change in her attitude towards me and life in general. She was very distant and told me she was unsure of her feelings towards me. This knocked me back a bit and i kept asking her if she wants to break up. She kept saying i d'ont know, i d'ont know. I went home and after a few days she still was'nt giving me an honest answer. She tiold me that she dose'nt think she loves me but dose'nt wanna lose me? I told her that 'you d'ont love me but u d'ont want anybody else to have me? ' and she said yes maybe. she eventually told me she just wants to stay friends and after a bit of soul searching i reluntantly said yes. She then asked me will i still help her with her problems. and again i prob stupidly said yes. She seems to be flying in her life the last few days while i'm down in the dumps. Is she just using me to talk to her and help and am i better off just disappearing from her life? Its so hard. i find myself constantly checking my phone and i'm very insecure. any help would be much appreciated in this difficult time. Brian Link to post Share on other sites
jerbear Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 She didn't lose you but you've lost her. Don't worry about her and quit checking the phone. Let someone else screen your voicemails, delete those that don't apply and keep those for you to check. If she wants to talk to you, she'll contact you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nedved Posted May 17, 2009 Author Share Posted May 17, 2009 Thanks gerbear. I've turned then phone off for the rest of the day. Its just so hard as i still see her as the same girl with the same feelings. Unfortunatley thats not the case anymore.Your right as she's on a weeks holiday from work and since we've broken up i've been the one keeping in touch with her. i supose i'm just not good at letting go. memories are just flying around my head. Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 You are the one keeping in touch with her and as soon as you stop she'll be the one to do the keeping in touch. She's playing cruel games, intentionally or not, you should not have anything to do with her right now, ignore anything and everything unless she bangs on your door wanting to get back together....and even then, tread carefully. Memories will continue to fly around your head as long as you don't let go. You know this. You'll be OK, but do get space away from her to sort your feelings out, do not contact her. Keeping in contact will only prolong the pain and give you false hope. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nedved Posted May 17, 2009 Author Share Posted May 17, 2009 Thanks hopesndreams. I know i have to let her go. I know once i stop contacting she'l continue to make contact every few days. there's also a fear inside that if i stop i'm afraid i'l never hear from her again. But i know i just have to disapear from her life and its so heartbreaking thinking of it. Link to post Share on other sites
boogieboy Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 Thanks hopesndreams. I know i have to let her go. I know once i stop contacting she'l continue to make contact every few days. there's also a fear inside that if i stop i'm afraid i'l never hear from her again. But i know i just have to disapear from her life and its so heartbreaking thinking of it. By staying friends with you, it makes the blow of the breakup easier on her. Dont make it easier on her! Cut her off now. You have to be prepared to never hear from her again. She found someone else and she will never feel the same way about you. Your best bet is to keep ignoring her. If it gets unbearable, then you need to tell her to stop contacting you, you CANNOT be friends with her. Then you tell her if she wants to try again maybe you can talk. But you have to do this NOW so syou an heal. Dont let it strtech along. Link to post Share on other sites
Chinook Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 She already told you what the deal is when you pushed her, she doesn't want you but she doesn't want anyone else to have you either. She wants you there so you can help her out with her problems. She doesn't want any responsibility of a relationship towards you...but she still wants her confidence builder and ego stroker. If she's prepared to cut the strings and shut you out of her life, you don't owe her jack. Simple as that. It may be hard for you to swallow but you'd be better ignoring her and cutting her off. She doesn't want you and she has changed her feelings towards you. Even if she decides to come back, I would lay money that she would walk away again, they always do. Your best bet for healing is to block everything and ignore. Total no contact and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 OP, look at it this way. This experience has freed you to spend your time with a more positive and mature woman. Now, that's an experience you'll be thankful for Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nedved Posted May 17, 2009 Author Share Posted May 17, 2009 Thanks boogieboy and thanks again to all the good people who have taken time to post the kind and helpful advice. I have to be strong. I've never been in this situation before so i'm a complete novice. I guess i know i'm in for a real painful time but your right as its for my own good to start the NC now. i get such urges to call her and she sounds so cold on the phone when we chat. I guess day 1 of my NC starts today:( Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 Read and post, as appropriate, to the threads in my signature line. Good luck! A couple months of hard work should reap benefits. Do not date anyone else during this time. If you do date someone, and find yourself thinking of your ex, be honest with that person and stop. Total detox is what leads to health. Link to post Share on other sites
Chinook Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 Thanks boogieboy and thanks again to all the good people who have taken time to post the kind and helpful advice. I have to be strong. I've never been in this situation before so i'm a complete novice. I guess i know i'm in for a real painful time but your right as its for my own good to start the NC now. i get such urges to call her and she sounds so cold on the phone when we chat. I guess day 1 of my NC starts today:(Do me a favour, think about how you feel right now... how painful it is. How her walking away from you feels. How painful it is for there to be NO messages, for her to NOT be interested in you like she was. Think very very carefully about that. The reason I say this is because... in the days to come, you will WANT to contact her, you will WANT to initiate contact... and you will set yourself back to this point today. Please read the guide in Carhill's signature. The thread by 'no foolin' is a Loveshack favourite and has helped an awful lot of people in the five years it has been active. Take care of YOURself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nedved Posted May 17, 2009 Author Share Posted May 17, 2009 She already told you what the deal is when you pushed her, she doesn't want you but she doesn't want anyone else to have you either. She wants you there so you can help her out with her problems. She doesn't want any responsibility of a relationship towards you...but she still wants her confidence builder and ego stroker. If she's prepared to cut the strings and shut you out of her life, you don't owe her jack. Simple as that. It may be hard for you to swallow but you'd be better ignoring her and cutting her off. She doesn't want you and she has changed her feelings towards you. Even if she decides to come back, I would lay money that she would walk away again, they always do. Your best bet for healing is to block everything and ignore. Total no contact and move on. the truth hurts but i'm grateful for your post as your right i am being just used to help her when she needs me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nedved Posted May 17, 2009 Author Share Posted May 17, 2009 OP, look at it this way. This experience has freed you to spend your time with a more positive and mature woman. Now, that's an experience you'll be thankful for that sound like a great reward at th end of this:) Link to post Share on other sites
Chinook Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 the truth hurts but i'm grateful for your post as your right i am being just used to help her when she needs me.Unfortunately, yes you are. Right now, you need to heal. You may be able to help her in the future - but I can guarantee you that you cannot do that until such time that you are healed. That may take a week, a month, a year, a lifetime. Only you will know. Meantime tell her that you need her to back off and leave you alone, for now. Ask her to respect your pain. If she cares about you, she will do what you ask. If not, if she selfishly puts herself first, then you have your answer to what she really thinks of you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nedved Posted May 17, 2009 Author Share Posted May 17, 2009 Do me a favour, think about how you feel right now... how painful it is. How her walking away from you feels. How painful it is for there to be NO messages, for her to NOT be interested in you like she was. Think very very carefully about that. The reason I say this is because... in the days to come, you will WANT to contact her, you will WANT to initiate contact... and you will set yourself back to this point today. Please read the guide in Carhill's signature. The thread by 'no foolin' is a Loveshack favourite and has helped an awful lot of people in the five years it has been active. Take care of YOURself. Thanks chinook and i will do that!! I would'nt say i feel better already but the help i'm getting here makes me see things a little more clearly. I think i need to look after me now. I'm gonna read carhills guide now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nedved Posted May 17, 2009 Author Share Posted May 17, 2009 Read and post, as appropriate, to the threads in my signature line. Good luck! A couple months of hard work should reap benefits. Do not date anyone else during this time. If you do date someone, and find yourself thinking of your ex, be honest with that person and stop. Total detox is what leads to health. to be honest i looked at that option and even made contact with an old flame to meet for coffee but i d'ont think i'l follow up as i know i'd just be thinking of my ex and it would'nt be fair on the other girl. I d'ont wanna hurt anybody after this experience. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nedved Posted May 17, 2009 Author Share Posted May 17, 2009 Unfortunately, yes you are. Right now, you need to heal. You may be able to help her in the future - but I can guarantee you that you cannot do that until such time that you are healed. That may take a week, a month, a year, a lifetime. Only you will know. Meantime tell her that you need her to back off and leave you alone, for now. Ask her to respect your pain. If she cares about you, she will do what you ask. If not, if she selfishly puts herself first, then you have your answer to what she really thinks of you. maybe she's always been selfish and i've been blind for years to this because i know she will put herself 1st.she always dose. its always been at the back of my mind with her that she would run off when things got good in her life. maybe i'm better off without her:( Link to post Share on other sites
Chinook Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 Nedved, to me you sound like a nice, grounded person. It sounds to me like there has always been an imbalance in her favour within the bounds of your relationship. You know this - so yes, I have to agree, I think you will be better alone. Part of your pain at the moment will be centred around learning to be alone again. Sometimes, it's not particularly about the person who is gone, but that there is a hole where they used to be. Right now, it's painful - but in time it will get less so. For me, I'm with Carhill and I don't advocate dating until you're really ready. You will know when this is. She will always be a part of you now because she has shaped who you are... but how you use that experience in a positive manner is down to you. When you come to a point that you can feel whole and you can feel positive without her, you'll be ready. Trust me Link to post Share on other sites
Yamaha Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 maybe she's always been selfish and i've been blind for years to this because i know she will put herself 1st.she always dose. its always been at the back of my mind with her that she would run off when things got good in her life. maybe i'm better off without her:( She has taken you for granted but you have let her. People do not respect those they can use and control. You must demand respect for yourself and when you see people taking advantage of you then you either nip it in the bud or you cut them off. It is hard when you care but the outsome is as you have experienced. Don't give more then you get in return. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nedved Posted May 17, 2009 Author Share Posted May 17, 2009 I trust you chinook and its helping me see her n a differnet way now.its the alone part and staring into the unkown without her that frightens me the most. there's a huge empty hole in my life. i can't even walk by our old apartment right now. but i'm totally not ready to date. she even told me that if she meets somebody or kisses anybody she won't tell me. i thought to myself 'thanks' :rolleyes:that really cheers me up. that sums her up i think!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nedved Posted May 17, 2009 Author Share Posted May 17, 2009 She has taken you for granted but you have let her. People do not respect those they can use and control. You must demand respect for yourself and when you see people taking advantage of you then you either nip it in the bud or you cut them off. It is hard when you care but the outsome is as you have experienced. Don't give more then you get in return. i think i've been taken for a bit of an emmotional joy ride by her. D'ont worry i'm gonna clean my act up now and become tougher with her. its long overdue. i'm not contacting her again. Link to post Share on other sites
Chinook Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 Just be careful with yourself. This is part of the rollercoaster. You will feel strong one moment where you don't wish to talk to her and couldn't care less. You will then cycle through other emotions where you question yourself and you will worry about what you could have done differently. During the ups and downs, just keep breathing and doing what you're doing. Over time it will feel better and you will see even more clearly than you can today. In time, you will accept the situation and you will also actually reach a point where you can fogive her and move on. That's when you will know you're okay. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nedved Posted May 17, 2009 Author Share Posted May 17, 2009 i've every emmotion running through my mind and yes 1 minute i could'nt care less and the next i hate her. But i know i have to go through this. To be in a situation to forgive her and wish her well would be a nice place to be some day. Link to post Share on other sites
Chinook Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 It will come in time - patience, Padawan Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nedved Posted May 17, 2009 Author Share Posted May 17, 2009 She sent me a message asking me to call her in bed before she go's asleep so this is big test for me. She's back at work tomorrow and will be worrying about it so i kn ow why she wants to chat. i have'nt replied and d'ont intend to...i hope. i'l turn off the phone again. Link to post Share on other sites
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