We're Opposites; Can it Work Long-Term?

[Holly]

Can a relationship between two very different personality types work out long-term?

 

My significant other is a realist to the max. Being so logical he really sees no point in romance, in that kind of warm fuzzy emotion.

 

I am pretty much the opposite. I am a writer and someone who values the expression of emotion, and I am admittedly romantic-minded. I understand how people work, and I am practical, but I like to believe in the magic and mystery of love.

 

We get along very well. He's a little egotistical, but he is very intelligent and has a lot planned for his future. I am modest, pretty humble, and I find myself listening to him talk about himself and his thoughts more often than not. If it helps, he's going to be a nuclear physicist, and I am a dietitian and writer.

 

So my question is could this pairing work out long term? Sometimes I see how different we are in the way we perceive relationships. Basically, we are on the same page on the vital basics of life values: we value family, want a strong marriage, want stable career, value education and knowledge, and our spiritual beliefs are similar. On the other hand, everything beyond that is pretty opposite. I know it is fine to have differences, as long as there is a complementarity involved, but what I want to know is if it is better to seek out someone who is more compatible in personality traits. Or should I make things a little more challenging by staying with someone who is constantly on the other side of the fence, so to speak? Can it actually help personal growth by being with someone who challenges your idea of "how things are"? Or is it just my young naivete fooling me into believing this kind of opposite pairing could be a success long-term?

 

I really care for this guy, and I would like to believe that despite our differences, we could be each others' "the one."

 

Please share your insight.

[2SidestoStories]

Or should I make things a little more challenging by staying with someone who is constantly on the other side of the fence, so to speak?

 

If you are the sort of person who can handle the idea that your relationship will be consistently a challenge, I see no problem with this. However, I would like to offer just as a thought the notion that if you were to choose to stay with this man "forever" you would have to put serious consideration into your needs on an emotional and physical level as well as the pragmatic and socially valuable things such as strong marriage, strong family et cetera. Are you someone who is going to wilt if not given physical confirmation of affection? You may be willing to 'starve' yourself of this for some time, and you may choose to settle for the occasional bit of lovin' (pardon me) as "all that you need."

 

The only way the question can be answered is if you are being absolutely 100% honest with yourself about the relationship. What truly matters to you in a relationship? What would be your absolutely amazingly fantastic IDEAL relationship? Are you a dreamer who feels you need help being grounded occasionally so as to keep from being whisked away by a breeze whilst your head is in the clouds? Or do you feel secure being who you are whether in this relationship or not? Will you be enriched by the relationship lasting 'forever' and will HE be enriched by the relationship lasting 'forever'?

 

Can it actually help personal growth by being with someone who challenges your idea of "how things are"?

 

My response to this is ABSOLUTELY YES, but do you want to be in a life-pairing with someone who challenges your idea of "how things are" to the point where perhaps you lose some sense of your own convictions, and perhaps find yourself being absorbed into the other person's ideas of "how things are" and lose touch with who you are because it makes a lot of sense to see the world in the way that this fellow may see the world, even though for some reason, his "how things are" does not truly mesh with your "how things are"? Yes, I do tend to be somewhat overly dramatic about certain things, but while it is indeed enriching to have people in your life who are able to provide differences of opinion, to choose to be with someone whose worldview is different enough that you're already questioning it strikes me as significant. Of course, I'm also a writer of sorts, and so frequently read deeply into things that are not necessarily there...

 

 

Whatever way this goes, I wish you the best.

[moimeme]

someone who challenges your idea of "how things are"

 

The problem can be that, eventually, each person becomes entrenched in the rightness of his view of 'how things are' and thinks the other a fool or worse for not thinking the same way. It may not always happen, but I'd be very aware of this.

 

If I were you, I'd give a read of <URL removed> . They're not commercial and I'm not a shill or anything but I think their ideas about emotional needs in a relationship are extremely useful. This sounds like a relationship in which neither of your needs may be met. If you can manage to carry out the suggestions MarriageBuilders makes about determining needs and discussing the relationship, you may be able to overcome your differences. On balance, I suspect relationships like these aren't as likely to succeed, however there are always exceptions that prove the rule.

[BlockHead]

I believe that relationships can be complementary.

You weakness in thinking can be compensated his thinking.

His weakness in feeling can be compensated by your feeling.

He provides the extraversion you are lacking, and you provide the introversion he is lacking.

I think he is a more judging person, and you are more perceptive.

 

People who are thinking judging have a set of internalized rules composed by them. The only problem is that they can sometimes enforce those rules on other people when those rules only apply to themselves.

 

I think the relationship can work out as long as there is mutual respect.

 

My life would be dull if I paired with a female version of myself.

[Holly]

2SidestoStories, you posed some really great questions, ones that really dig to the root of my situation. I realized a few things from your post. For one, a person can "starve" themself of some relationship aspects they had believed necessary in the past, for a great many reasons. For me, I think I'm trying to challenge myself to see if I can be less dependent and get by on "less"-- by less I mean less of the emotional hand-holding and coddling I was accustomed to in my past relationship, in exchange for something more cerebral. Maybe I like the idea of a more "sophisticated" relation, when in fact my thinking is flawed; as romantic relationships are not to be ranked on this sort of scale. I think I want to believe I can do it, although if I'm really honest with myself, I have doubts that I will be satisfied.

 

You posed the question: what would be my "absolutely amazingly fantastic IDEAL relationship." Well, it honestly is not this one, though I am finding this relationship to be satisfying in more obscure ways. He's a unique type of person and not the standard young American male.

 

I am a dreamer, and I like being grounded by another person. However, I dislike feeling controlled. I'm actually still learning about myself so I am not sure if I necessarily NEED grounding. On the other hand, I do know that I enjoy sharing my dreams and my often idealistic views with another who is on the same wavelength.

 

And you are right, being with someone who challenges your idea of the way life is, day in and day out, doesn't really seem fulfilling. It could be possible to lose sight of my own convictions in a relationship like this and I have seen myself question my own long-held opinions in the face of his. This guy has the potential to think himself right on every issue, leaving me to either adopt his view, or be "wrong."

 

To moimeme, I am going to look at the website you indicated to see if it offers me something. And your comment that my relationship sounds as if it could turn out mutually unfulfilling is a keen prophecy. I agree that if it continues on the path it is on without some kind of constructive attention, it could very well become a lemon of a deal for us both.

 

To BlockHead, your assertion that a relationship has potential if mutual respect is involved, is key. I respect him highly. In his different set of ways of looking at the world, I know he respects me as well, but sometimes I just don't feel we're on the same page.

 

You also say, BlockHead, that his weakness in feeling could be compensated for by my strength in feeling and emotion. This is my belief too, but unfortunately it seems that when one person feels they "have it all figured out" they don't really see a need for the other's help in being in touch with the emotional side.

 

Wow...it sounds like this relationship is fatally flawed, doesn't it?

[2SidestoStories]

Wow...it sounds like this relationship is fatally flawed, doesn't it?

 

Perhaps not so much fatally flawed as simply not right for both of you in the romantic sense. What I have to wonder is whether you and he could maintain any sort of friendship, or perhaps come back to a friendship should you choose to stop the romantic aspects. THAT, I fear is an absolutely idealistic notion, but it does sound as though you have learned a great deal about yourself and perhaps what you are looking for in a romantic partner as a result of this relationship, which indicates that it is not flawed at all. Of course, that brings up a whole different set of principles, delving into spirituality and whatnot, but the truth is, you have benefitted already. I can hope the same is true of your partner.

 

Now you are faced with a decision, however, and not one that will be easy to come to. It's not anything you would have to rush at all. Your decision is whether you are prolonging the inevitable by staying with your fellow now, or whether you believe you can continue to benefit from being in the relationship without falling into a bad habit. That you have not only posted doubts in the first place, but have now had the chance to mull things over even more is indicative of the end being near, without intending to sound overdramatic.

 

I wish you much clarity, and remember you've always got folks to bounce more ideas off of 'round these parts.