Do I need to confront this...?

[nama]

...I think I already know the answer to this but I need assurance and support from somewhere…

 

I've been reading the abuse pages now and then, reading about other's experiences and their stories. I was myself sexually abused as a child. It was very brief I think it happened once or twice and I think I was 9 or 10 years old. My mum's brother who at the time was in his early twenties used to live with us. I remember a few times he would sit me on his lap and put his knee between my legs - he called this 'squeezing'. Then the big thing that happened was that he got me to perform a sexual act on him and I can remember it as clear as anything - it was nearly 20 years ago. I also remember him trying to threaten me that if I didn't listen to him he would 'squeeze me'. I also remember once that me and my younger two sisters were left alone one day with him and I don't know what happened but I locked us in the toilet until my mum came home. That's all I remember. I never told anyone, I knew what was happening was bad but didn't know anything about sex at that age. I have never contemplated telling my family about him, never would. I firmly believe that he didn't do anything to my sisters but I would never talk to them about this. I come from an SE Asian background so this kind of thing is an ingrained taboo!

 

Until my late teens I had an 'OK' relationship with him, I had put it to the back of my mind. But since then, last 7 years, whenever I see him my skin crawls. He doesn’t come near me anymore. I sometimes wonder if his wife knows what he has done or whether he did/ or does anything to his two young kids. I found out recently from his wife that she caught him cheating on her and they are only together now because of the kids, they only 'live' together.

 

I didn't open up to anyone until I was I think 22? I can't remember. I opened up to my best friend, a man who had also been sexually abused as a child. I ended up having an on/off affair with him for 5 years - he is the married one and I have only just started to get him out of my life. He is the one I lost my virginity to. I never went near men before that, I was friends with a few - very close but never dated any. I haven't had many after either.

 

I guess why I am exploring this in detail now is the fact that I started to see a therapist about other issues of mine. I am on a break at the moment to reflect on what we have done so far and intend to go back to talk about this particular issue. However I dread to bring this up for obvious reasons. I think I am in denial about how this has affected me since. I have been single for a while and find it hard to open up with people - always have. I want to get back out there, fall in love and let myself go. Is this one of the reasons I can't? How do I talk to my therapist about this? Any thoughts?

[amaysngrace]

It's a huge step you've taken by opening up here. Speaking out about it takes the shame away. There is a lot of shame associated with this. Most of it we internalize though. We take it out on ourselves.

 

It's taboo in all cultures. Especially incest. That is the most stigmatized of all I think.

 

If you can muster the courage to speak out to your therapist you'd be doing yourself a big favor. You'd be doing something good for yourself. Chances are if he/she is a counselor they won't be shocked by your revelation. They've probably heard it before and can genuinely help you.

 

But you have to help yourself first by speaking out to them. Do this good thing for yourself. You deserve good things.

 

If it plagues your mind then it's important enough to mention. Trust yourself to know you can speak out. You've already lived through a lot worse.

 

Good luck to you and (((hugs)))

[hoping2heal]

YES. Confront this, not only the issue itself but the person who comitted these acts against you. They may and most likely will go on to repeat offend with others if they are never caught. I was molested by a cousin repeatedly starting at an early age; I have now made the progress to not only seeking justice against the person and doing what I can to stop a repeat offense I have actually told my aunt and cousin what their son/brother did to me.

 

I'm telling you this so you realise I'm not just another voice telling you what I think sounds like the right thing to do. I'm telling you as someone who has actually BEEN THERE and it wasn't easy, it took me close to 20 years to do so but I feel that later is better than never. I did it though, and if I can do it you can do the same.

 

I lived in fear almost my entire life of my aunt/cousin finding out. To make matters worse if you look at some of my prior posts you'll learn that my cousin and aunts reaction was less than savory, that said - I would do it all over again if I could knowing what I know now. I AM making the right decision by trying to hold this person accountable and doing what I can to make sure others know what he's capable of should he ever be trusted with their children.

 

I also relate to what you were saying, I too repressed what happened to me for most of my life. I was sad, affected, and different but didn't know why because I told myself I was okay with what happened to me - that it didn't affect me that much. Hell, I can remember even feeling at some point like I needed to protect my offender after what he did. I know how confusing the feelings can sometimes be, Now I'm finally confronting the issue and I know where the sadness and the hurt and depression comes from. It doesn't have to be me for the rest of my life, embrace it and let yourself heal. You can and will heal if you work hard at this. I believe that for myself, I believe it for anyone.

 

We don't have to keep letting this thing define our lives, we can start taking the control back. You can only go so long in your life denying how this has ultimately effected you before the real negativity will set in. Do what you can to take care of yourself during this time, don't worry about what other people are going to think or if you do ( like me )- just do it anyway. You'll be happy you did when it's all over and you will spare someone else your fate if you hold this person accountable.

[nama]

Thanks both. Yes it plagues my mind especially as I'm trying to get back out there and date. My past relationships have not bee healthy and I can't help but wonder its all down to this. I don't trust men. I have never been fully emotionally attached to a man. I just want to have a 'normal' relationship with a man. I'll die and old and lonely woman at this rate.

[amaysngrace]

Thanks both. Yes it plagues my mind especially as I'm trying to get back out there and date. My past relationships have not bee healthy and I can't help but wonder its all down to this. I don't trust men. I have never been fully emotionally attached to a man. I just want to have a 'normal' relationship with a man. I'll die and old and lonely woman at this rate.

 

Speaking from experience I can say that this is tied into so many emotions and false beliefs and defense mechanisms that who you've become by this isn't who you are at all.

 

You have wrapped yourself up into so many layers that are built by you as a young wounded child with a small child's mind and it definitely interferes with normal thinking and behavior.

 

Remember that little happy girl you were before this all happened? Well that's who you'll be when you face it head on. You...minus the damage.

[nama]

amaysngrace, I would love to be that girl. I have never been 'innocent', I have always worried about something. I have been carrying this around for so long. How do I go about telling someone I don't even know about this?

[amaysngrace]

amaysngrace, I would love to be that girl. I have never been 'innocent', I have always worried about something. I have been carrying this around for so long. How do I go about telling someone I don't even know about this?

 

You said you are in therapy right? Do you trust that person? Because if you do that'd be a great place to start.

 

I also got a lot of help through a book I bought called The Courage To Heal. It helped me a ton but I don't suggest you read it unless you are already in counseling. It can be very overwhelming.

[nama]

I do trust her. It just seems so impersonal and I know I will want to cry. I hate crying infront of people. I have this whole aversion to crying because it makes me weak and vulnerable. I know thats wrong but I can't shake it. I hate being vulnerable. I hate the feeling of being out of control and powerless.

[amaysngrace]

I hate the feeling of being out of control and powerless.

 

Yes that's what abuse does to us. Being out of control and powerless makes us remember a time when we were powerless. By him.

 

It's natural to feel that way. But if you want to get better and you feel like this is the time to get better you will go there and cry to her.

 

You've held it in for a really long time.

[nama]

Thanks amaysngrace. I was having a break from therapy but now realise that its time for me to go back and confront this issue. I'm just nervous about actually saying it. It hard to actually hear yourself say what happened. I guess its time to be a big girl..... xxx

[amaysngrace]

You can do it nama. Like I said before you have already lived through a lot worse.

 

You're a survivor.

[hoping2heal]

amaysngrace, I would love to be that girl. I have never been 'innocent', I have always worried about something. I have been carrying this around for so long. How do I go about telling someone I don't even know about this?

 

 

Hi Nama,

 

Thanks for posting. I can relate to every word of this right here. I have felt exactly like everything you've said for the past several years of my life. I too feel like I will never have a healthy and functional relationship if I don't confont this and my destructive behaviors formed as a result of this. Luckily I have a wonderful and patient partner who is there for me through all of my BS. Nama, I never thought I would tell anyone in authority about my abuse EVER. Telling my therapist was HUGE, telling my cousin and aunt was MORE HUGE. Persuing justice against this person, EVEN MORE HUGE. These are all things I would never believe I had it in me to do but guess what? I did them!

 

Don't underestimate yourself, I know exactly what it's like not wanting to tell and be vulnerable. Believe me, I've been a closed shell for so long it's ridiculous, I've invented lie after lie after lie just to be someone else other than me to other people because that's how much I wanted to ALWAYS guard my true self from others. It's painful and very tough to face and acknowledge and heal from what has been done to us but what it is not, is impossible. Not by a long shot, and much to my surprise by the way? As much trauma and pain and misery it's brought about to confront this.. it's made me feel freedom, and happiness for the first time since I can remember. So yeah it's tough but it's not all grit and no reward either.

 

We're here for you, take care of yourself and good luck with everything. You're on the right track.

[hoping2heal]

Speaking from experience I can say that this is tied into so many emotions and false beliefs and defense mechanisms that who you've become by this isn't who you are at all.

 

You have wrapped yourself up into so many layers that are built by you as a young wounded child with a small child's mind and it definitely interferes with normal thinking and behavior.

 

Remember that little happy girl you were before this all happened? Well that's who you'll be when you face it head on. You...minus the damage.

 

 

I just cried reading this. "You have wrapped yourself up into so many layers that are built by you as a young wounded child with a small child's mind and it definitely interferes with normal thinking and behavior. " I feel like that fully and thoroughly sums up ME.

 

"Remember that little happy girl you were before this all happened? Well that's who you'll be when you face it head on. You...minus the damage. " My ENTIRE life, this is ALL I've ever wanted to be, feeling like NEVER would it be possible, that I would ALWAYS be damaged goods, that I would never have happiness or true joy or anyone that would trully love me without severely hurting me. I trully look forward to the day when I can say ME is allowed to come out, the REAL ME. Not the defense mechanisms.

 

You beautifully encompassed the heartache that sexual abuse causes, I'm full of tears.

[busy_married_student]

I told my mom, sister, and two close friends about my ex raping me. Now everyone seems to think I should be just fine.

Years ago, my dad molested me too. That only my parents know about, but have forgotten.

 

I feel like I can't trust men. I really don't trust anyone fully. One of my friends told me I seem like teh type who gets starts to get close to people then ditches them. Yeah that would be right.

 

This year for the first time in about 7, I've started opening up to people and letting them in, but it's so hard. I'm so scared to do it.

 

How do you trust people again? How long do you stay damaged? I'm starting to think I'll never be whole again.

 

I cry whenever I read this forum. I just want somebody to love me, who I can actually trust, who won't abuse me.

[amaysngrace]

How do you trust people again? How long do you stay damaged? I'm starting to think I'll never be whole again.

 

Hi. I know your name implies that you are married. Are you being abused by this man? Or is he the ex you refer to?

[hoping2heal]

I told my mom, sister, and two close friends about my ex raping me. Now everyone seems to think I should be just fine.

Years ago, my dad molested me too. That only my parents know about, but have forgotten.

 

I feel like I can't trust men. I really don't trust anyone fully. One of my friends told me I seem like teh type who gets starts to get close to people then ditches them. Yeah that would be right.

 

This year for the first time in about 7, I've started opening up to people and letting them in, but it's so hard. I'm so scared to do it.

 

How do you trust people again? How long do you stay damaged? I'm starting to think I'll never be whole again.

 

I cry whenever I read this forum. I just want somebody to love me, who I can actually trust, who won't abuse me.

 

 

Hello there student ,

 

Welcome and thankyou for sharing with us . I can tell you that I relate a lot with how you feel, to cut the chase b/c you may or may not read any of my previous posts; one of the ways I have always alienated myself from people is through lying, ESPECIALLY in romantic relations as I got older. Not only that, but I have never had a ppr boyfriend either. (physical proximity). I too realise that I have trust issues and often times sabotage my relations with people believing it will ALWAYS end in me being hurt and taken for a ride by that other person; so I very dysfunctionally create a situation that is doomed to fail again and again meanwhile getting a glimpse of someone being affectionate towards me.

 

Yeah, I'm like the radioshack of women I've got issues. That said, I'm in counselling and trying this whole "honesty" approach now. I've had a rough start but I try and re affirm that I can trust my partner daily and that I CAN be open and CAN be vulnerable with him.

 

I don't know how long we stay "damaged" but I do believe we don't have too forever, I believe healing is possible. I'm just begining but it's changed my life dramatically just taking the first steps.

 

BTW- I know how annoying it is when people act like you should "just be fine" and over it when you've been abused. As I've said in past threads; I trully believe those who aren't victims of child sexual abuse themselves assume that like most hurts in life time heals it. Where as child sexual abuse left unresolved actually seems to perpetually implode until the point it IS adressed and dealt with.

 

Hang in there and feel free to post your feelings, and know that you are not alone and you are understood.

[busy_married_student]

I started this user name after the first time my ex raped me...but was too afraid to post anything.

At the time I couldn't envision the abuse continuing and worsening. I thought I would stay married.

 

I'm not married anymore. Nobody hurts me anymore! Such a wonderful thing. tho maybe I need a new name.

 

It's so weird, because looking back I realize even the things that went on during consensual sex were not right. Originally I blamed myself for allowing these things to happen. Now I realize my self-esteem had been brought so low I was practically brainwashed. never again.

 

thanks for relating hoping2heal, I usually feel quite alone in this.

I find I don't tell outright lies but I frequently manipulate teh truth by telling part of the truth. For example, when asked why I was so tense when "physical type stuff" happened on a date. I just said I hadn't dated much and was nervous. Yeah, sure that's true but i was more nervous that if I said "no" to something, I wasn't going to be listened to. But i refused to admit this to the guy for weeks and of course now he is like "well I wouldn't do anything to you, so what is your problem?"

 

i do believe my ex said that too.

 

I know how scary it can be to be honest and vunerable. to trust someone. I wish you the best hoping2heal with your healing in general as well as your relationship with your partner.

I hope to find someone who will be patient with me like that too.

[amaysngrace]

But i refused to admit this to the guy for weeks and of course now he is like "well I wouldn't do anything to you, so what is your problem?"

 

i do believe my ex said that too.

 

I know how scary it can be to be honest and vunerable. to trust someone.

 

Hi Student. I know when my abuse gets brushed off by other people it makes me even more afraid to trust. If a new guy said anything remotely close to what my exH said to me I'd run for cover. He never raped me although he might as well have for the intimacy we shared.

 

Problem? The guy actually said "problem"? You know what? If he was safe to be around he would have understood better and not referred to it as a problem. He sounds very unsafe to me.

 

Abuse can cause a whole lot of triggers. If someone makes you feel uneasy when you disclose this information to them then you need to stay away from that person as best you can. Sometimes it's not always easy to avoid people and you will have to be near them sometimes but if you have already went to them and told them and they didn't listen then you really should limit the time you spend with them.

 

That's a big part of keeping yourself safe.

 

I can't even begin to imagine what it must be like for you to go around your parents. XO

 

It won't always be this way though. That is the good news. The more you heal from the sexual abuse the stronger you will be and will be able to be around these people without getting triggered because when you heal there is nothing to trigger. It doesn't hurt anymore.

 

And it's not like it doesn't hurt because you pushed it aside either...it really truly doesn't hurt anymore.

 

Do you write in a journal or go to counseling at all?

 

Anyway I'm glad you're here. h2h is right when she says you are with others who understand.

 

Be gentle on yourself and please keep yourself safe. XO

[nama]

I went back to my therapist yesterday. Got a bit flustered telling her what happened but I did it! Without crying! So proud of myself. I felt so good talking about it and even more when she said that it fits into my behaviours and why I do things. I cannot wait for the next session.

 

Thank you for the support xxxx

[hopefulInFuture]

Nama, I am so sorry this happened to you. I was also abused by my dad, not sexually but he was physically very abusive.... Like you I could not accept men until I was 23. I was fortunate enough that all my relationships (except the last one) were good to me and I met wonderful men who I trusted and who cared about me.

 

These things can definitely affect your life forever... You should talk about this. I understand that it's very difficult but burying stuff like this won't help you really heal. You need to look at it, touch it, get help from a professional, get mad about it, confront it directly and only then you are strong enough to move on with your life and meet the right people.

[amaysngrace]

I went back to my therapist yesterday. Got a bit flustered telling her what happened but I did it! Without crying! So proud of myself. I felt so good talking about it and even more when she said that it fits into my behaviours and why I do things. I cannot wait for the next session.

 

Thank you for the support xxxx

 

 

Oh Nama!

 

I am so happy to hear this. Good for you. Really really good for you!

 

Doesn't it feel strange to be proud? Isn't it strange when you tell and you are believed and listened to? Oh honey I am so proud of you!

 

(((nama)))

[nama]

Thank you for your kind words and support amaysngrace. You know I always knew that I was a strong woman yet things were controlling me. I want to now truly find out who the real me is and let go of all this cr*p that has been holding me back. xx

[amaysngrace]

Hi nama. You will get better and get past this. Know why? You really want to. And yes you are strong. Doing what you did and speaking out when you were scared to shows just how strong you are.

 

If you need a friend to understand at anytime just post here. You are not alone.

[busy_married_student]

so this is a bit of a change of subject, but I wanted to get input from the people who have responded to this post as we all seem to relate fairly well and you do all seem thoughtful/kind.

 

I've really only dated one person and never really had a healthy sexual relationship with anyone

 

I find myself wondering especially now as I feel so distrustful of men in general if it's just a fairytale dream of mine.

 

I'm hoping one day to love somebody and have him love me. sure. but I also find myself hoping that he will desire me and treat my body with respect at the same time.

my ex didn't really have much desire for me until the last 6 months when he decided he did and was not taking no for an answer. (apparently inspired by the porno he got into during the last 6 mo)

 

so i just wonder how often does it happen that two people love each other but also have a healthy sexual relationship as well?