Afraid to love me!

[Leveller]

Samspade I know you said to stop trying to anlyse my ex's behaviour patterns but to satisfy myself I have to try. I came across this thread on CP and Grass Is Greener Syndrome (GIGS)-she has never been out of a relationship.

 

http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=265952

 

It was this part in particular that struck a chord "Not trying to generalize, but these type of dumper are immature, and insecure of themselves. They always have to stay in a relationship to feel a sense of worth or belonging. These type of dumper do not understand what a mature relationship really means. In general they are just confused, they don't know who they are. They use relationships to define themselves and never have any introspection of themselves".

 

I earnestly believe this is the case with my ex. I'm sorry Sam and others but I am still trying to rationalise what I find to be a bizarre and contradictory situation and if we do reconnect some way down the line I need to know what I'm up against. My previous two posts indicate why I believe this helps explain her actions.

 

BTW the phrase she used was 'I'm terrified to love you' not afraid. Still in NC.

[Leveller]

I'd be very interested to know what other peoples opinions are of Grass is Greener Syndrome.

[samspade]

Does commitment phobia help explain why she keeps the person she's seeing at arms length and why she covers her feelings (and admits doing so). Does this also partly explain the mind games and push/pull behaviour towards me?

 

What explains it is that you were hanging out with her way to much, and she felt smothered, and probably got bored with you. You've got to give someone the gift of missing you. It's not "commitment phobia." She didn't want to commit to you.

 

On top of that, she has a history of family problems and abuse. You are trying to find reasons for her behavior. What difference does it make what the reasons are? Will you then travel back in time and undo the damage done by her father and ex bf, and save her mother from dying? Only SHE can save herself from her issues, not you.

 

The "Grass is Greener" link contains some truths in it, but here is all you need to know: Once a woman has started to consider greener grasses, it's over. There will always be greener pastures out there to tempt her. That's a constant. The variable is her interest level in YOU. Are you her world, her everything? Or have you become boring, stale, and predictable? And yes, it's YOU, not "things," who gets boring. Men don't take enough responsibility for this simple fact. YOU must check yourself and make sure you aren't congealing right in front of her. That means you break your routine, you surprise her, you don't treat her like a cvm dumpster, and it also means you continue living YOUR life, and pursuing YOUR happiness, regardless of whether she is tagging along for the ride. The moment you make your GF the centerpiece of your life, she will sense that you in fact have no life outside of her, and she will start looking for branches to swing on. The little games she plays after she dumps you are just that: games.

 

It's foolish to blame everything on the dumper the way the guy who wrote that piece did. You might as well blame a baby for crapping its diaper. He says, "not trying to generalize, but these type of dumper are immature, and insecure of themselves." Well, that conveniently takes the onus off of him to change or improve or learn, doesn't it? A guy who thinks like this is doomed to a life of "immature" and "insecure" (in his eyes) females, because he will never make the adjustments in his own life necessary to a) attract better females, and b) prevent this kind of behavior occurring.

 

He also blames the dumper (read: females) for enjoying the thrill of the "honeymoon" (3-6 months) stage of the relationship, and her willingness to jump from one fling to the next for a new thrill. Well, what does this teach you? He thinks that these women have some kind of psychological disorder, and can never be tamed. You know what I think? I think HE is probably the problem, because he's allowing the relationship to become stale. Like it or not, it's your job as a man to keep things interesting, to take the lead, and to keep your girl from getting bored. If you've done everything you can and she's still not showing proper interest, you move on to another one and start over. Our Grass is Greener friend is too lazy for that; he'd rather blame it on the women who dump him than examine what he might change about his own behavior (though he does cop to acting needy and desperate in the 11th hour, I'll give him that).

 

Yes, women want something reliable, but they also want some excitement. And whatever they say, they don't want to be the only thing going on in your life. Be about something other than females - their company is the result of a happily lived life, not vice versa.

 

Think about it.

[Leveller]

Sam. I believe you are absolutely on the money.

 

So much of her behaviour pattern towards me is down to me changing from a strong, dynamic and vibrant individual to a weak pathetic shell of a man. Much of this was down to personal circumstances, particularly losing a good job and having to move back. She stuck with me when I became difficult to be around and although I have changed for the better my circumstances haven't...but they will. She definately felt smothered and tried telling me. I interpreted this as her pushing me away when I needed her...this is about my insecurities as well. This was also down to my extreme boredom and frustration about being out of work...in other words I became a pain in the arse.

 

I also made the mistake of making her the centre of my world. Wrong. As for the comitment issue, a case of too much too soon...and I became dependent on her time and company. Wrong. Yes I got boring and things got stale. I know I need to change. For me its all about getting back into work and getting my life back on track. I was such a different person and SO much more confident and SO much more of a challenge then.

 

I have known what I need to do all along but my inability to do a David Copperfield and magic a job out of thin air has had a MASSIVE bearing on my life and my relationships with family and friends as well. It was never all about her, as much as I love her.

 

'The variable is her interest level in YOU'. These words are so true Sam. Now this is what I think is unfinished business...but at the very least months down the tracks.

 

I told her last time we spoke we should not try again until I was back in work and in my own place in any event. Basically getting my house in order and my life back on track otherwise the same pattern would repeat. I'm not the giving up sort.

 

Sooner rather than later I hope to be in a better place in all areas of my life. Like I have said repeatedly 'If you build it, they will come'. Disregarding the sporting aspect of the movie for me this statement is primarily about having faith in yourself and seeing through the fog of adversity. Not wanting to minimise my role in our split I have always believed adverse circumstances were the primary cause but nevertheless I also NEEDED to change.

 

Thanks SAM for your words of advice-they are graciously received. I don't necssarily agree with absolutely everything you say but I will always defend your right to say them. I would certainly buy you a beer.

[Leveller]

I also became extremely bitter about losing my job and at life in general as a result...disillusioned you might say. @*&$ing credit crunch...merchant bankers the lot. Sorry for the rant.

[samspade]

You have the right idea, especially about your need to sort out your professional life, before worrying about your romantic life.

 

None of these things come easy- jobs, girlfriends, etc. Letting go of either is tough. But the good news is that you can make things flow more easily with a change in your attitude and perspective.

 

I've been laid off before, and I know how it feels. The economy sucks and a lot of people who do their jobs well are losing them. The best you can do is put in 110% every day, so that if you're laid off, you can at least look yourself in the mirror and know that it wasn't because you didn't work hard. And yeah, it's easy to be dispirited, especially with a double whammy of losing your GF AND a job.

 

These are the moments when you have to be as zen as possible. Your previous job is not going to be your last job. Your ex gf is not going to be the last woman ever to love you. You're without either right now. But if you apply yourself, you'll find new ones of each sooner or later.

 

They're just setbacks. Get busy livin', or get busy dyin', to borrow another famous movie quote.

[Leveller]

Slowly, slowly I feel like I am getting stronger...little by little. Still have my bad days and although I have never ben one to diarise I feel this is helping. Occassionaly I realise that although NC is majorly hard it is the right thing to do. I also realise that I was right to initiate NC (I think) because although she wanted to carry on seeing me 'as a friend' all I was doing was picking up the breadcrumbs and feeding her ego. I miss her and love her still but in the long run this is the best thing. I did as much as I could to convince her to give us another try with LC/RC and got to point where she could see a future between us whereas before she couldn't. I also satisfied myself that some of the things she had told me in the two or so months post break up was either not true at all or has been changed by ME changing for the better. We were right to split and at the moment right to stay apart-although it hurts beyond belief sometimes.

 

I know now, as I have known all along, the things I need to do. The strength within me is slowly, bit by bit, returning and the support of LS has been of great help. In particular Samspade and Brother Bear who, although at odds sometimes, have given great support and Sam has helped me clear my head and take a step back enormously. Might have a bad day tomorrow and a bad day after that but in general the days are getting better.

 

I still firmly believe we will get back together down the road once I am FULLY 100% again in all aspects of my life. Just thought I'd post a positive response and send a thank you.

[Leveller]

As many of you might know I am a big film lover and watching this again inspired me and provoked a thought.

 

One scene was this: Robin Williams as the pychologist talking to Will:

 

'I look at you and I don't see an intelligent confident man, I see a cocky, scared ****less kid'.

 

In other words it's easier to bury you feelings than it is to expose them.

 

For this reason I don't dismiss my ex's fears about what the future might hold if we ever got back together. She is a girl from the same small village and my career takes me all over the world with professors and other movers and shakers-pretty daunting for me let alone anyone else. Part of the reason she might be 'terrified to love me'. Pretty strong words and, I believe, the truth.

 

Second scene: Will and Skyla

 

WILL

What, you want to come in here and

save me? Is that what you want to do?

Do I have a sign that says "save me"

on my back?

 

SKYLAR

I don't want to "save" you. I just

want to be with you. I love you. I

love you!

 

Will, full of self-loathing, raises his hand to strike her.

 

WILL

Don't bull**** me! Don't ****in'

bull**** me!

 

SKYLAR

(standing up to him)

You know what I want to hear? I want

to hear that you don't love me. If

you tell me that, then I'll leave you

alone. I won't ask any questions and

I won't be in your life.

 

A beat. Will looks Skylar dead in the eye. Lowers his hand.

 

WILL

I don't love you.

 

This is linked to the first quote.

 

Lastly is something from my own life. Long ago my GF and I got pregnant but she lost the baby and I was moving away (I tried to persude her to have an abortion-I was 21, stupid, didn't know I was in love and had GIGS). A year or so later we met up by accident and I was with someone else. A woman stared at me intensely with hatred in her eyes. Eventually I went over to see what the problem was and I see my ex-who was out of my line of sight. This woman proceeds to give me the biggest dressing down of my life telling me how my ex would break down in work in tears and had been left broken hearted...things I didn't know.

 

I tried for I don't know how long to get her back after this but got nothing but the coldest of cold shoulders. I was broken hearted. Five years later she wrote me a letter. From that we start going out again...she never stopped loving me (or I her) and I asked her why she did that. Her response 'I suppose I just wanted to hurt you'.

 

Just some food for thought...'my life that could have been, and wasn't'.

[Leveller]

I should have been clearer. People can say and do things they don't mean or even comprehend at the time.

 

Hindsight is a wonderful thing...why arn't we born with it?

[LostLamb]

 

I still firmly believe we will get back together down the road once I am FULLY 100% again in all aspects of my life

 

 

 

Leveller , I don't want to offend you but I think you are seriously deluded right now.

Why does she have such a hold on you? She keeps rejecting you and has a new love. It's not commitment phobia , an abusive past or anything else you have mentioned which has led her to reject you yet again -it's mindgames.

Unless you have left out important facts about your life ,i'e you take drugs or are abusive in some ways ,I don't understand why you think changing your life will bring her back or why it would be worth it.

I don't think she wants you ,I think she enjoys playing with men's hearts.

I think you have to move on and realise that if she comes back , the same will happen again-rejectioin and mindgames.

The hardest thing in the world is letting go of people we love but sometimes we have to.

[NopeNah]

 

 

 

Leveller , I don't want to offend you but I think you are seriously deluded right now.

Why does she have such a hold on you? She keeps rejecting you and has a new love. It's not commitment phobia , an abusive past or anything else you have mentioned which has led her to reject you yet again -it's mindgames.

Unless you have left out important facts about your life ,i'e you take drugs or are abusive in some ways ,I don't understand why you think changing your life will bring her back or why it would be worth it.

I don't think she wants you ,I think she enjoys playing with men's hearts.

I think you have to move on and realise that if she comes back , the same will happen again-rejectioin and mindgames.

The hardest thing in the world is letting go of people we love but sometimes we have to.

quoted the wrong person.. MOVE ON, MAN!! She's with someone else by her choice.. you are NOW becoming the other man here.. I know it hurts,sucks,ect... but, you have zero say in this thing. Can't control her/him or yourself for that matter..no offense. But, bounce dude! It's done,run it's course, over! The faster you come to grips with how "DONE" this is, the better off you'll be! For yourself, not her..shes of no concern of yours anymore..take care and keep your head high!

[Leveller]

quoted the wrong person.. MOVE ON, MAN!! She's with someone else by her choice.. you are NOW becoming the other man here.. I know it hurts,sucks,ect... but, you have zero say in this thing. Can't control her/him or yourself for that matter..no offense. But, bounce dude! It's done,run it's course, over! The faster you come to grips with how "DONE" this is, the better off you'll be! For yourself, not her..shes of no concern of yours anymore..take care and keep your head high!

 

Hey people, I hope you didn't construe my last post as being solely about my present situation-it was not intended that way.

 

I was trying to get across that people say and do things they do not always mean as well as make short term choices without thinking things through properly-I have done these things myself and have been around the block a few times. More than we all have a total inability to predict the future and we all have done things which seem right at the time but with the benefit of hindsight have had detrimental consequences to our lives and happiness. It is only through time and experience that we realise this. We learn by doing. Does this make sense?

[LostLamb]

It makes perfect sense.

 

You are willing to believe she is perfect and a victim instead of seeing the reality-she is toxic , shagging another man as I type and is smiling at the knowledge that you are always willing to take her back. I can't tell you that you will find a greater love than the woman who has been in your heart for 16 years (I probably still love my ex months after he dumped me) but I know you can find a woman who will actually love you.

 

Sort your life out for you , not a woman who doesn't deserve yet another chance.

[NopeNah]

Hey people, I hope you didn't construe my last post as being solely about my present situation-it was not intended that way.

 

I was trying to get across that people say and do things they do not always mean as well as make short term choices without thinking things through properly-I have done these things myself and have been around the block a few times. More than we all have a total inability to predict the future and we all have done things which seem right at the time but with the benefit of hindsight have had detrimental consequences to our lives and happiness. It is only through time and experience that we realise this. We learn by doing. Does this make sense?

So.. you're saying she's a fake bitch that deservse no respect/trust/anything?from you?..cool! go about your way and let that s*it go! I hate taking out the trash too!