A thin line between stupid and hopeful?

[thankfull]

First off I apologize for a posting that will likely be similar to many others. My (ex) girlfriend of 3 years broke up 1 1/2 years ago. We both were in the same graduate profession but she was one year ahead in school. We broke up shortly after she graduated and moved down to Southern Cali for an internship - actually, I broke up with her due to a mixed bag of hurt feelings, some ongoing relationship issues (mostly mild personality clashes), and some insecurity on my part. Thankfully there was no worry of infidelity on the part of either party.

 

Tried talking for a couple of weeks after the break up but by then I'd decided I was wrong and tried to reconcile - no dice. So I went NC for 6 months during which time I dated occasionally. Though initially they held some promise, they ultimately fizzled. During one of these times I sent my ex an brief email to let her know I hoped all was well and gave her an open ended invitation to talk (you know that magnanimous feeling you get when you are feeling really happy). I got a response some weeks later which resulted in a friendly conversation which left us both feeling good, I think.

 

Shortly after another potential relationship fizzled I got a call from her. We talked for awhile - and wouldn't you know it, it just felt so great . We ended up speaking slightly more regularly (once a week) and when I had to go down to Southern Cali for a job interview I visited her. Suddenly feelings were awakened and in the ensuing couple of months (this would be almost a year post-breakup) I visited again and this time we slept together. Over a period of a 2 months we exchanged a visit each complete with more intimacy. She was starting to talk about internet dating so (of course) I once again attempted to reconcile, again she wasn't interested. So again I went NC. This lasted another 2-3 months and then we got to talking again. Apparently internet dating was NOT working out well - but mostly we avoided any talk of each others dating lives ( though it was obvious we were both unattached). Recently she came for an event up here in northern california and made plans to stay over and hang out. She did, and we slept together. At this point we speak every couple of days but we say nothing about relationships.

 

It's likely she just likes the comfort and familiarity, hell I do too, and it's possible that she keeps the lines of communication open so she has "something". At the same time I don't doubt she feels something, though it may indeed not be what I'm feeling. Obviously it is something I will eventually bring up - but here's the question: Just how stupid am I being and/or how hopeful should I be?

[5105571]

I think you've kind of reasoned through your problem with that last paragraph. I think you're absolutely right about her liking familiarity. She may also just be lonely. You need to find out how she feels about you and how she feels about getting back together. If she doesn't want to get back together, you've got to find out what obstacles are in place that are preventing that from happening, and then make the necessary changes. If those obstacles can't be overcome, then you've got to either continue down this path you've been traveling with her or move on.

 

I wouldn't call this stupid by any stretch of the imagination. There is an open line of communication and you guys are still intimate. I would consider it stupid if she has refused to speak to you for a long period of time and you still thought there was a good chance of getting back together.

 

Good luck with this buddy.

[thankfull]

Hey, thanks 5105571, it's both kind of you to respond and also good to hear your thoughts on it. Your advice is sound and I suppose I am indeed leaning that way. It's funny though, and I don't know if other people run into this problem; as much as I want to know the answer, I have to say I fear to hear it as well. It's almost as if by gaining a small piece of what you want, you then fear losing even that.

 

I wonder if there is in fact a methodology to follow or if it is simply random. Is it better to work slowly towards it or confront it right away? Probably I'm just being a coward but I'd love to know what other people think.

[5105571]

Sometimes when you're hoping for the best it's easy to fear the worst at the same time. But remember, things can get better only if you take that leap. I'm not guaranteeing things will get better, but what other choices do you have?

 

You sound like me man. I think way too much about this stuff. Sadly though, I fear that it's all only random, far from the reaches of logic and reason. I would imagine there are some definite things you don't want to do that applies to almost everyone, but unfortunately you probably know better than anyone on how to confront the issue, because you probably know her better than anyone else does.

 

I'm surprised nobody else has offered their advice...

[5105571]

I forgot, the only other option I can think of to you is to completely cut her off with no explanation. That one can easily backfire on you though, but who knows it may work too. I think I'm gonna hang around these forums. I like offering people my advice, and it helps me gain some perspective on my own situation, so let me know how it works out when you do figure out what to do.

[samspade]

She was lonely and wanted sex with someone she trusts. Don't read anything more into it. Start looking for someone new and keep contact with her to a minimum, if at all. You are fixated on her when you need to close the door on her and admit to yourself there are plenty of other women out there who will want to be with you.

 

You're not being stupid, but your hope is getting in the way a little (You have "oneitis"). Temper it, put her out of your mind, enjoy the hookup for what it was, and soldier on. There's a chance she'd come back, but you can't be preoccupied with it in the least.

[thankfull]

Just when I was starting to think Samspade was WRONG, something happens which makes me realize I'm a dunce. God damn! I always feel so damn silly talking about it but it just makes me feel better to talk/write about it.

 

Since my ex-gf's visit we spoke every other day. Sometimes I'd initiate, sometimes she would. In the last two weeks since her last visit we have conversed regularly. As time's gone on I realize this is driving me crazy so I made up my mind to ask her. Well this middle of the week (Tuesday/Wed) she had two days off - I texted her Tuesday morning (trivialities) and she called me while I was at work. That's odd since usually she doesn't do that. I have to admit at the time I was feeling pretty good about things as we talked a bit and I told her I'd call her in the evening after work to which she said ok. Tried calling her that evening and next morning - nothing. It's not that long a time obviously but I have a rather horrible sense of foreboding..... man I would really appreciate someone sharing their thoughts..