I called OW twice and guess what?

[NoIDidn't]

I guess I do not understand all of these RULES for contacting or not contacting the OW.

 

If two to six months is the acceptable time frame to contact the OW, and I had called her then, it would have only been angry and confrontational and harassing, to say the least. Also, he was still unsure on whom he wanted.

 

I was out of my mind over the length and depth of this betrayal and deception. Would that have been a productive call? I think not.

 

Also, I hated him for his role in this, not her. I wanted him gone, out of my life, told him to go get her, if that is what he wanted, and I meant it.

 

Contact did continue for about three months, while in his confusion, he tried to figure it all out, and of course, continued to lie about it. Until he did figure it out, there was nothing I wanted to try to reconcile.

 

HE initiated NC in Jan. 08. I remained hurt and angry for the next six months. The real work towards healing began in November when I left a friendly message, and pissed off, she called him at work.

 

So let's say that I am finally healing for the last two to six months, and I finally make a phone call. I believe I am within my time frame to do so.

 

Where do all these OW/OM rules come into play? Is there a manual or handbook out there I know nothing about?

 

Two years is a LONG time, Spark. And I know that you are still hurting, but now its time for you to do this yourself. I've brought this up a lot recently, but not because I'm still directly dealing with it, but I was molested as a child. I confronted the relative that did it 25 years after the fact. I can't report it to the police because of the statute of limitations. In my years of fear and recovery from her abuse, I missed the opportunity for her to receive actual punishment. Absent the satisfaction of seeing her punished, I had to work towards acceptance and healing myself. Your situation isn't that different.

 

Asking her questions isn't going to give you definitive answers. It may even hurt more. My abuser called me a liar - though everyone believed me because I wasn't her only victim. It hurt to be called a liar. Yelling obscenities at her isn't going to make you feel better in the long run. You have to do this without her input. You have to.

 

My abuse is deeply personal. For a five year old little girl, it was very traumatic. Abuse and betrayal are practically cousins with the damage that they inflict on their SURVIVORS!!! And that's it, Spark. You and I are SURVIVORS. My H's betrayal reopened a feeling that I hadn't experienced in YEARS. Maybe you are really dealing with a reopened wound and that's why THIS TIME you want to personally confront your "perp"?

 

Wishing you peace, Spark. Maybe there is another issue at work and you are misinterpretting it as something you need to speak to her about when its not.

[fooled once]

She never HAS to speak to you - whether it be one day or 3000 days.

 

She DOES NOT have to return your calls or respond to you.

 

She doesn't OWE you anything.

 

Why can't you understand that?

[bentnotbroken]

She never HAS to speak to you - whether it be one day or 3000 days.

 

She DOES NOT have to return your calls or respond to you.

 

She doesn't OWE you anything.

 

Why can't you understand that?

 

 

Actually she does understand that. Just as OW know when a MM is with them that they are being lied to, Spark is doing what she deems best for her. Isn't that what so many AP do. Do most of us understand that position either?

[Reggie]

She never HAS to speak to you - whether it be one day or 3000 days.

 

She DOES NOT have to return your calls or respond to you.

 

She doesn't OWE you anything.

 

Why can't you understand that?

 

Of course the OW owes her an apology. She particpated in abusing her, along with her H. In most cases, one will never receive an apology because people that are affair partners either lack integrity or courage or both.

[confusedinkansas]

The OW doesn't owe Sparks anything. Reggie - you keep saying that over & over. WHY?

What do you think the OW owes her?

 

Sparks: What kinds of questions do you think you are OWED an answer TO? (That your husband hasn't already "HONESTLY" answered..) Assuming your fairytale meeting happens...What on earth would you ask her? What is it that you can't seem to let go that needs an answer....at this point in the game of life?

Do you doubt that your husband was truthful? I don't get it.

[Reggie]

I say it, confused, because that is what I beleive. It's simple:if you do harm to another person unjustifiably, you owe an apology and restitution. It's just common courtesy and what a person with a conscience does, thus the unlikeliehood of receiving one from an affair partner.

[bentnotbroken]

The OW doesn't owe Sparks anything. Reggie - you keep saying that over & over. WHY?

What do you think the OW owes her?

 

Sparks: What kinds of questions do you think you are OWED an answer TO? (That your husband hasn't already "HONESTLY" answered..) Assuming your fairytale meeting happens...What on earth would you ask her? What is it that you can't seem to let go that needs an answer....at this point in the game of life?

Do you doubt that your husband was truthful? I don't get it.

 

 

He probably saying the same thing over and over again, because you keep saying the ow owes Spark nothing over and over again. Why do you keep saying that? I would suspect it is because you actually believe that. Reg, believes(and so do I whether it really happens or not)that when you do someone wrong, you should apologize. And yes we know, you just don't get it. Stop trying to as we have had to stop trying to understand why people justify and use A's as a way to ignore a problem.

[Dexter Morgan]

The OW doesn't owe Sparks anything. Reggie - you keep saying that over & over. WHY?

What do you think the OW owes her?

 

common decency and the courtesy of at least one reply to a civil, non-confrontational request by Sparks.

 

But I digress, I don't believe Sparks should contact her. the OM/OW wouldn't have anything of value to say as far as I'm concerned.

[Reggie]

Gamine has an eloquent post touching this issue of owing an apology over on doblr's thread in the OM/OW section. It really sets out the rationale, confused.

[HsMomma]

 

But I digress, I don't believe Sparks should contact her. the OM/OW wouldn't have anything of value to say as far as I'm concerned.

 

I don't know whether the OW would have anything of value to say, but I think pushing the issue is not getting Sparks anywhere, so...seems to me that letting it go is the only sane option to choose.