The misery never stops

[LonelyVocalist]

It really doesn't. It's not that it's a consistent stream of BS day by day by day, but on those rare occasions, something happens to me and makes me think "well, maybe life doesn't suck that bad after all!!" Then, of course, something bad happens and then I'm back to where I was before or worse. This is a never-ending pattern and it's only gotten worse. It's gotten to the point where my happiness is now fleeting and over within a few short hours. I believe that's some higher power up their using me as their hacky sack; something to kick around... or an RPG field monster where people make jokes about how "easy" it was to beat. It's been going on long enough in this life to where I think it's not gonna stop. I have no zest for life and little reason to live; the only reason I'm still alive is for the sake of family and friends who think I should be seen but not heard. I voice my opinion on something and they could care less. I hang out and befriend others and am treated like a ghost. But if I end my life, THEN they're OMGOMGOMG!!!! I CARE SEEEEEW MUCH WHYWHYWHY!?!?!? Heck, I was even a bother to the doctor who decided I wasn't coming into this world fast enough (though my mom was in labor with my older brother longer) so he simply cut me out of her belly 'cause I epic failed at birth too. I'm going to kill myself, I just don't know when I'll snap. I don't want people to cry and mourn when I die; I want them to throw a huge party, do something cool with my ashes... get laid, smoke weed, drink drank, eat shrooms (if that's your thing). Enjoy all the vices I was always too cowardly to avoid with the promise of a "life" if I never touch them. I learned that was a lie in my teenage years and ended up smoking as much pot as I could find/buy. Now, I have a crappy minimum wage job I'm horrible at where I'm drug tested at and can't even enjoy that. I know most women hate stoners but I don't care because women treat me like some piece of tissue anyways and most of the ones who DO diss marijuana are hypocrit alcoholics who are gonna look like hags and have severe liver problems by the time they're 35. I used to be hurt and offended by them, but FORGET THEM! Why don't they go live their lives and just leave me alone?

 

I fail at literally anything I do. You name it, I suck at it; no matter how much effort is put into it. Even writing... I could care less about literacy anymore. Who cares if grammar and spelling is bad? I DONT! I don't even know how the crap I can write what I do but I hate it. Unfortunately, it's the only way I can express myself without taking a knife to my wrists like an emo/scene drone. I want to be a singer so badly it hurts, but my voice SUCKS. I literally sound like some sort of damn retard when I talk. When I sing I sound like a horrible cross between Mike Patton, Toby Driver, and an Americanized Thom Yorke. At my higher notes, I sound like a choir girl with a cold or a 4 year old boy with downs syndrome. It blows 'cause I try to put as much as I can into my voice, but sometimes I sound WORSE after warming up. On top of that, I have horrible stage fright. Plus, I work in a dirty, disgusting parking lot around car fumes all day, so that definitely doesn't help; too bad that's the only job I can get! I hate my voice. I can handle being one of the physically weakest men on the planet, being a virgin, having acne, being an outcast, but for the one thing that makes life worth living being dragged away from under my feet... it literally makes my health fail and drains whatever positive energy I may have had. People encourage me, then turn around and criticize me, then mock and laugh at me... and then wonder why I hate this sphere of God-crap and myself so much. I'm getting older way too fast, and all of this has been going on long enough to be permanent... the only thing that'd make anything better is some sort of miracle. However, I've long since stopped believing in those.

 

I suck so bad that I can't even beat retarded video games that 12 year olds can beat. It's the special kind of pain whatever higher power loves to put upon me like pouring salt on a slug or beating a dead horse or kicking a man when he's down or whaling the oceans just for the hell of it. That's the kind of deep pain I won't even tell my own family; they'd just haul me away to another psychiatrist who doesn't even want to understand me and only "listens" to me because they get paid for it.

 

Go ahead and bombard me with stuff you all read in self-help books or the bible; none of it helped me then and I don't see any of it helping now.

 

Just another rant from some borderline retard... WHY OH WHY did Adam and Eve eat that apple and WHY OH WHY did god plant that dumb tree there in the first place?

 

Just a thought.

[wowIlose]

Your not the only person going through the pain of thinking you where born to lose and having everything in your life back that up but you can't lay down to die and think the world is against you... you have to play the hand you are dealt and play it to the best of your ability.

 

You say you suck at everything but I think we both know you can easily improve in any area of life if you really gave it your all, it just sounds like you don't have the will power necessary, you have to find that will power and believe in yourself... no one on this planet will believe in you until you believe in yourself and why should they?

 

Just understand you have been given an opportunity here. To be here on this planet and to do something with your life, understand that obstacles are part of life and you will encounter one around every corner but if you have the right mindset then you'll eventually see the light at the end of the tunnel.

 

The key is not to build yourself up so high on every victory that the smallest failure will send you plummeting to the ground and when failure or obstacles arise then be ready for them, understand they are part of the game and need to be isolated and dealt with as they come. But most importantly you have to believe that you can do it... just find anything that gets you excited and put yourself into it, find passion, find motivation and be ready for failure because it will come... it comes for all of us... its just how you deal with it that will make or break you.

 

EDIT: I just wanted to add that even though your not the only one suffering it doesn't make the pain any less real but take solace in the fact your not alone, your not the lone person that some super power picked out and decided is going to suffer. Work through the pain and find passion in your life and you'll be fine.

[LonelyVocalist]

Your not the only person going through the pain of thinking you where born to lose and having everything in your life back that up but you can't lay down to die and think the world is against you... you have to play the hand you are dealt and play it to the best of your ability.

 

You say you suck at everything but I think we both know you can easily improve in any area of life if you really gave it your all, it just sounds like you don't have the will power necessary, you have to find that will power and believe in yourself... no one on this planet will believe in you until you believe in yourself and why should they?

 

Just understand you have been given an opportunity here. To be here on this planet and to do something with your life, understand that obstacles are part of life and you will encounter one around every corner but if you have the right mindset then you'll eventually see the light at the end of the tunnel.

 

The key is not to build yourself up so high on every victory that the smallest failure will send you plummeting to the ground and when failure or obstacles arise then be ready for them, understand they are part of the game and need to be isolated and dealt with as they come. But most importantly you have to believe that you can do it... just find anything that gets you excited and put yourself into it, find passion, find motivation and be ready for failure because it will come... it comes for all of us... its just how you deal with it that will make or break you.

 

EDIT: I just wanted to add that even though your not the only one suffering it doesn't make the pain any less real but take solace in the fact your not alone, your not the lone person that some super power picked out and decided is going to suffer. Work through the pain and find passion in your life and you'll be fine.

 

Problem is, I don't just THINK I'm born to lose, it happens anyways no matter what I "think". Believe me, I WOULD lay down, fold my hand, and die if given the opportunity... and yes, the world IS against me. This world is not for me; it's for the beautiful, rich, strong, successful people who are happy and can do whatever they want with their life while being surrounded by people that admire them. The only possible reason I exist is to balance that out... keep them from boredom. Entertainment (similar to watching Charlie Brown epic fail everything he does).

 

I'm tired of everyone saying "you're simply not trying hard enough!" but how can anyone tell really? I give it my all at everything I do and even 12 year old kids with asperger's and ADHD can do it better. How can I believe in myself when my life is nothing but a series of down notes with a few high notes in between (with about 40-something percent of them spent intoxicated).

 

I've had a lot of religious people tell me that life is a "gift". If life is such a gift, one should do whatever they want to do with it... including throwing it away if they don't want it. I see life as a burden; the only reason I bother is because I love my family and friends enough to live a crap live just to entertain them with my presence of being seen and not heard.

 

I never do build up my successes; why else do you think my happiness lasts only a mere few hours at a time, most of it manic laughter? I put almost all of my passion into singing (the only other thing making life worth living... well, besides anime) only to fail... I'm probably one of the only singers out there to only sound worse after warming up. To have that one thing being chipped away hurts more than anyone can imagine. I'm gonna die anyways; what does it matter if it's gonna happen tomorrow, the next day, the next week, the next year, five years, decade... etc. Oh well. At least I'm entertaining those superior to me similar to how characters like Ernest P Worrell or Charlie Brown entertain others.

 

Anyways, thanks for reading!

 

BTW, I like your Spike avitar.

[wowIlose]

Dude you simply let failure beat you down to much and you EXPECT yourself to fail and thats why you continue to fail. You do it to yourself. Your mind is a powerful tool and your using it very ineffectively. You just have to beileve in yourself and when bad things happen you can't let yourself deflate like a balloon and whine how life sucks and you wish you could be dead.

 

No one can help you but yourself. And don't come back telling me how you think positively when you post here with nothing but negative junk. I mean you can't think positive for one second and expect success, you gotta think positive in defeat. Trust me man. Force it if you have to. If your only reason for living is for your family well chances are your going to be around for a while so you might as well TRY and not be miserable for the rest of your life.

 

Life is not against you... your against yourself.

 

... and yes, the world IS against me. This world is not for me; it's for the beautiful, rich, strong, successful people who are happy and can do whatever they want with their life while being surrounded by people that admire them.

 

Your so jaded man... you turn on your TV and probably look at celebrities and go "wow, my life sucks they are better" and you probably go outside look at nice cars and guys with girlfriends and envy them and think "life is against me because I don't have that".

 

What you don't realize is that 98% of those people worked to be where they are at. Many of those people might have failed 999 times before they got their first break and it might have taken them 10+ years to get to where there at, but your mind can only see the result... Given some do have it easy but dude STOP comparing yourself to others and looking at what you don't have. There are millions of people in your shoes and if you want something you have to take ACTION and chances are your going to fail so much that you'll want to give up on life but guess what... its those people who just keep pushing that eventually make it.

 

Take a look at Michael Jordan one of the greatest NBA players ever (one example in a million) he said:

I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed. - Jordan

 

I've never been afraid to fail. -Jordan

 

If you're trying to achieve, there will be roadblocks. I've had them; everybody has had them. But obstacles don't have to stop you. If you run into a wall, don't turn around and give up. Figure out how to climb it, go through it, or work around it. -Jordan

 

You have to expect things of yourself before you can do them. - Jordan

 

You see what I mean? EVERYONE SUFFERS, EVERYONE FAILS!

 

If you love singing so much then get lessons and try to improve. If you honestly can't do it then accept it and move on. Realize its something you enjoy but don't have the natural talent for and find something else to get passionate about.

 

When I was a little younger I always wanted to be an artist. I wanted to draw or do 3D graphic design... I enjoyed it and loved it but I realized I didn't have the talent for it and I lacked the training but then I found out I had great talent in about 5 other things that I was also just as passionate about and I had to go exploring different hobbies and ideas till I found those things otherwise I would have never got into those areas.

 

But what else can I tell you? You sound young and maybe as you mature you will figure it out but it all starts with changing your attitude and mindset towards life. Look at failure as a lesson and not as a reason to want to kill yourself... Good luck.

[LonelyVocalist]

Negative, actually. You don't know anything about me other than what I freely expressed to find SOME sort of relief 'cause I have no other way to do so. I hate how the wannabe self-help gurus out there are always like "You EXPECT FAILURE AND THAT'S WHY YOU KEEP FAILING!" They have no way of being the other person, so why do they keep suggesting things that almost never work and act like they know someone more than they know themselves. I ALWAYS look up and say "hey, maybe THIS TIME I won't fail!" over and over and over and over until the cows come home... everything I do. It's almost to the point that I do better if I don't even give half a bolt and put as little effort as possible into whatever; that's how I learned to drive. It's not so much "Ooo... I failed a test and my grade dropped to a C and now my laif is ruined boo hoo" it's a fairly consistent barrage of failure after failure after disappointment after embarrassment after let down with a couple high notes in between... it's like an old Charlie Brown picture I saw long ago where he said "When I succeed, nobody remembers and when I fail, nobody forgets."

 

I tried forcing positivity... only made me feel worse. It's like trying to hold my vomit after 10 shots of vodka; it just won't happen. Actually, I know my mom's gonna kick me out one day, and I'll be stuck in downtown where an ex-friend of my friend wants me dead for no reason... so I hope he takes care of it so I don't have to. I believe that if there IS a hell, it's this world... so I don't know why these wannabe gangster types would want to take me out of my misery if they want me to hurt as much as possible.

 

"It's those who keep pushing who make it" or is it "might" make it? It'd take me so much time to become rich and famous that by the time I achieve it, I'd be too old and pruny to even somewhat enjoy it. It feels like you're simply assuming about me just to get some cliche'd point across; I think rich people aren't "cool" and lost their senses of style LONG ago... they're lame, incorrigible parodies of themselves who buy stupid crap that they look better without and houses they have no time to enjoy and cars they wish they had more time to drive. Why the hell would I wanna live like that? Oh, and I don't watch TV for your information. What I want is a lot different than what the rich want. If I truly wanted to be rich, I'd blow all my money on 100 dollar shoes that get dirty anyways, an Iphone that I have no time to enjoy 'cause I have to work myself to the bone to afford any of the slightly impressive unique features it has, and Armani shades that look ugly to me but are "expensive" enough for some jealousy and retarded "status quo" that vanishes once they break. Piece of mind doesn't come as easy.

 

Ok, and singing is the only reason I haven't touched any of the "hard" drugs I've always been tempted to try or even bothered waking up in the morning. I'm working myself to the bone to afford the DVD/Book set from a place in Seattle I really want to eventually take lessons from and quit smoking weed (one of my greatest joys in life) over a year and a half ago so I could work at it. I work myself to the bone with music, but it's that I'm not even given the chance. My own mother doesn't even want me to pursue it as well as most of the musicians around me... these "musicians" are people who are even more afraid of failure than I am and are more concerned about sounding "perfect" than expressing themselves. I'd rather spend my life failing at a music career living in a crap apartment (or homeless) than end up like Lester Burnham from American Beauty where my life screams "quiet desperation" and my high point of the day is spanking off in the shower before some lame desk job. It's cool that you're so talented in so many other places than art, but again, not everyone's life is like that. Just 'cause someone is "good" at something doesn't mean that thing makes them happy; I've never thought about telling a janitor that he should stick to it just because he's "good" at it.

 

I understand how failure is a lesson and happens to everyone, but the amount of failure I have is like eating too many grapes or having too much vitamin C; causes some really disgusting and unpleasant things in most people (I'll spare you the details if you don't know about the effects) and I am one of them. Sometimes lessons like "consistent failure" aren't lessons at all to those whose learning styles are different. Sometimes "lessons" and the wrong motivation can break a person; just look at what happened to Private Pyle from Full Metal Jacket. (I know, it's "just a movie" but I feel a lot like him most of the time.)

 

goodness... rambled on this time... anyways, thanks for trying to help me, and best of luck and I hope good karma rewards you greatly.

[wowIlose]

Your right I don't know you. But I too feel like you sometimes(based on your what you've expressed in your post), in fact I fail every day at something(sometimes not even in my control), my whole life has been a big beat down from the day I was born.

 

I know I can't relate to your situation specifically because only you can do that but I've had enough failures and tragic events in my life that I know I can relate at some level... I won't go into detail and I don't bring up the events of my life to anyone because I don't want the pity.

 

One thing I learned is that life will beat you down over and over and over. There are two things you can do... you can go with the flow and let it beat you down, more and more till you can't get up or you can stand up tell it to **** off. What else can you do? Think about it... what else can you really do?

 

They have no way of being the other person, so why do they keep suggesting things that almost never work and act like they know someone more than they know themselves. I ALWAYS look up and say "hey, maybe THIS TIME I won't fail!" over and over and over and over until the cows come home... everything I do.

What else do you want them to tell you? I can either respond with something positive here to try to HELP or I can say "yea, you know what.. your right... your a waste of space on this earth so just end it already.", which is a response I almost feel you would prefer.

 

Your on a self improvement forum. These are ways to self improve, some things will sound cliche but no one is here to PRETEND they know you or to try and make your pain insignificant. There is no magic pill to get out of the slump your in - it will take time and it will come from within and this forum and the people on it can only try to help.

 

It is also impossible to consistently fail AT EVERYTHING. I mean what is everything to you? Consider this.. in any given day you will perform a number of tasks ranging from putting your clothes on to driving a car to have a conversation(a few examples..).

 

This morning you *MIGHT HAVE* brushed your teeth without lodging the tooth brush in your throat and choking on it (success), you might have driven from A to B without getting in a car accident or getting honked at(another success), you had a conversation that lead to some type of result(oh look.. success). I mean there is a million things you do every day where you succeed. You may think "well, how can you fail at brushing your teeth or driving on a straight road..." the point is you can but you didn't.

 

Now the above statement is just an example and you may have very well failed at brushing your teeth this morning (given your prior statements ) but the point I am making is that there are definitely things you succeed at where others may fail and you know it.

 

Anyway man, I wish you luck and I hope you find happiness one day. I won't respond anymore because I feel we are just going to go in circles after this... good luck!

[You'reasian]

Where's sac town?

 

Sounds like you're creating a narrative that combines characters - some from American Beauty, some from 80's glam rock, some from life experience, et.c

[westrock]

If you are ready to change your life, first start by making a list of what you are grateful for.

 

If your response is "there is nothing I am grateful for, my life sucks", then start simple like the following:

 

"I am grateful I have eyes to see today, unlike that blind person".

 

"I am grateful that I do not have cancer, like that little kid who is suffering through chemo right now."

 

"I am grateful that I have a job in this economy even if it's crappy."

 

"I am grateful that I don't have to walk ten miles everyday to get some water from a contaminated well like those people in Africa"

 

 

You may think this is all fluff, but what you need to do is change your focus from all the negativity you are experiencing and realize that there is a lot of positive going on in your life. You're just not focussing on it.

 

It's okay to fail, as long as you don't let it get to you. Thomas Edison failed 10,000 times before he came up with the right combination for the light bulb. Abraham Lincoln failed 10 times running for every political office until he finally ran for President and won. Babe Ruth, one of the greatest baseball players was the home run king of his time, but he was also the strike-out king of his time. Albert Einstein failed a grade in grade school being labelled as a slow student, and then they rejected his PhD thesis as crazy thinking. Sylvester Stallone failed miserably trying to get an acting job, going to over 1000 auditions and failing everytime, finally writing his own movie but then unable to get financing, but he didn't give up and his Rocky movie series made him a star.

 

The point I'm making is that failure is not a bad thing. In fact, paradoxically, it's the only way to reach success. It's just that those who succeed accept that failure is just part of the journey, while others give up.

 

If you want to be a singer, go for it. You may not win a Grammy, but that doesn't matter. Even if you can't make it as a singer, that doesn't mean you can't do something else in the music industry and be a huge success at it. Look at David Foster, he's a musician but never made it on his own, so instead he manages other musicians as a record producer and he is a huge success producing top musicians.

[Els]

I'm not gonna bring any pep talks into this because I can tell it's what you're expecting.

 

Instead, a simple question. Is success the sole yardstick that you use to measure your life's worth and allow to dictate your happiness?

[LonelyVocalist]

If you are ready to change your life, first start by making a list of what you are grateful for.

 

If your response is "there is nothing I am grateful for, my life sucks", then start simple like the following:

 

"I am grateful I have eyes to see today, unlike that blind person".

 

"I am grateful that I do not have cancer, like that little kid who is suffering through chemo right now."

 

"I am grateful that I have a job in this economy even if it's crappy."

 

"I am grateful that I don't have to walk ten miles everyday to get some water from a contaminated well like those people in Africa"

 

I understand what you mean, but after a while, it just gets gratuitous. I feel like every time I start counting my blessings, they get taken away; like one of nature's sick jokes. The world ends up looking bleak to me once I have to look at others' misfortunes just to make myself feel better. I end up feeling no better than the miserable bullies out there who torment, harass, and tease those different/weaker than they just because they need someone to feel more miserable than they just to feel better about themselves.

 

Oh, and I guarantee I failed at more things in a higher frequency than almost anyone on this planet. I'll keep going at singing if it kills me or I end up poor because of it no matter HOW much I fail. If whatever jerk God out there cursed me with this voice, I'll find some way to go to Seattle and fine tune it, even if I end up putting myself in the hole so bad I end up homeless; I'm almost to that point right now. I don't want to be stuck in the background being "the man behind other musicians" or doing something where I'm invisible and un-noticed. I know this is ironic coming from someone with stage fright, but I'm tired of being treated like some mannequin only to be seen and not heard or vice versa. If I absolutely cannot sing, that just gives me one more reason to lose my mind and get high off of every psychedelic I can imagine and find at the same time... I'd get so fried if Hunter S. Thompson were still alive, even HE couldn't hang.

[LonelyVocalist]

Where's sac town?

 

Sounds like you're creating a narrative that combines characters - some from American Beauty, some from 80's glam rock, some from life experience, et.c

 

Sac-town is a toilet in Northern California that absolutely sucks... it's a hellhole where many people are jerks who take themselves way too seriously even when they crack jokes and there's not much to do, though it's slightly less boring than a cow-town.

 

No narrative here; just personal experiences and expressing how much I hate being me onscreen 'cause nobody takes me seriously in real life.

 

I'm not gonna bring any pep talks into this because I can tell it's what you're expecting.

 

Instead, a simple question. Is success the sole yardstick that you use to measure your life's worth and allow to dictate your happiness?

 

I liken success to money; I wish I could live a perfect life without measuring success, but as long as both the sheeple and elite worship success and money as their gods, I will have to live in a world governed by those ideals. This is a major reason that even though I was scared of alien invasions as a kid, now I HOPE and WAIT for some extra terrestrials to take me onboard their ship and fly me away to some other planet... or I'd sacrifice myself to be a melchizedek like Drunvalo supposedly did (google it, the explanation is too long to give here). Too bad even paranormal stuff shies away from me like people/animals from a skunk.

[Els]

I liken success to money; I wish I could live a perfect life without measuring success, but as long as both the sheeple and elite worship success and money as their gods, I will have to live in a world governed by those ideals. This is a major reason that even though I was scared of alien invasions as a kid, now I HOPE and WAIT for some extra terrestrials to take me onboard their ship and fly me away to some other planet... or I'd sacrifice myself to be a melchizedek like Drunvalo supposedly did (google it, the explanation is too long to give here). Too bad even paranormal stuff shies away from me like people/animals from a skunk.

 

Not really. You need money to buy basic survival items such as food and shelter. You don't need success for that.

 

Even if you live in a world governed by anything, YOU don't have to let it govern you.

 

The way I see it, you've two choices:

1. Actually follow the advice in self-help books and by the people in this thread and work on your success

2. Or simply be contented as you are

 

You don't NEED success for happiness, is my opinion. It's great to strive for it, but you shouldn't consider your life not worth living if you don't have it.