Ex BF from long ago...does he hate me now?

[hartbroken]

I dont know if I posted this in the right place but here is my story. I am sorry this is so long but I need some opinions on what is going on here... I dated this guy 20 years ago when I was 18 we dated on and off for a couple years...we were each others first loves...I loved him to bits. (he wasnt my first sexually, my second actually but I do think I was his first altho he would never admit it but I could tell) Anyway he cheated on me (not sex but folling around) with my best friend and another friend and things just went awry...I began dating the man who is now my husband.

 

Meanwhile...I tried to remain friends with him years ago when all this was going on as he was a very important part of my life. After several months of me dating my now husband he came to me a couple times telling me he loved me he knows he treated me bad and begged me to give him another chance. I loved him still but I could not risk him hurting me again it took me forever and a day to get over the hurt the first time..We stopped speaking and got on with our respective lives...I had kids he is now married with a kid..I also got involved in this insane on and off affair which has spawned over a decade (my marriage has been in disarray for many years and I am going to be divorcing soon but this is besides the point as thats a story for a different forum.)

 

Fast forward to about 5 months ago I was on Facebook and got a friend request from my ex first love...I was like OMG i have not seen or spoken to him in 17 years at this point...we started chatting online and the first night it was pretty standard...just general catch up...the next night it went on for a good 3 hours he told me he missed me for a really long time..I was his first love and how special that was and nobody could ever take that away..I told him all about my life, my horrible marriage, my affair..everything..He told me his marriage was on the rocks as he put it his wife and he sleep together but dont sleep together...and that she has cheated on him...He asked why am I still with my husband as after I told him all he has done to me he didnt understand it but it was financial reasons and my children..I told him I tried to find him many years ago but couldnt b4 the internet days I guess and he said he wished I had found him years ago...it was a sentimental chat and I left it feeling deep feelings of remorse but nonetheless I cannot rewind my life like a cassette tape no matter how bad decisions I made years ago. He was so happy it seemed talking to me and I was happy to to have my friend back (or so i thought) He said he would talk to me again either the next night or the night thereafter but he never came back again to talk to me for months..

 

I waited a couple months and sent him an email...I wanted to see if he truly wanted to be friends bc I had not heard from him and I honestly could not imagine what i could have possibly done or said...I did apologize for things I did years ago as believe it or not I still feel bad eventually breaking his heart...He answered back and was very sweet, said finding me was a joy and I held a cherished place in his heart..and yes we were friends and would keep in touch...I thought ok..we will see...

 

Meanwhile i waited another say month and a half as he now lives about 3 hours from me and I was going to be in his area and so i figured I would email him and see if he wanted to meet up (Keep in mind my only intention is to be this mans friend as I have NO alterior motives) He answered me back within like 10 minutes and said absolutely he would meet me any night was good let him know...I had to coordinate some things and emailed him dates I would be around and were any of these workable...He NEVER responded...

 

Fast forward...the week before I was to be in his area which he well knew...he started coming onto FB every day as he had been on not that much prior...one day I just im;d him to say hello I was surprised he didnt ignore me..He asked was i still conming to visit ? I said yes and he said what are the dates again? I told him when and we set a day to meet up...I met him at this bar restaurant place and I honestly thought he would be happy to see me as I always run up and hug someone i havent seen for so long and vice versa, especially someone who claims to always care about me which is also another thing he said months ago...Meanwhile instead of a warm greeting i was approached with MUCH trepidation and he could barely look at me the entire night..He looked down at the floor a lot when we talked about the past and what happened. I said I saw him last at such and such a time he said yes I remember that was right after u got married..I said how do you know when I got married? He looked down at the floor and said "I know when you got married" He looked kinda hurt so I just said oh....and changed the sujbect..we talked for about 3 hours and then I had to go..He did hug me goodybye and I kissed and touched his cheek...He smiled but it was like not a smile that looked happy if that makes sense... I sent him an email the next day and said nothing more then it was good to see you..just literally a friendly 2 line email...He never responded (Oh and I asked him when i saw him why he never responded to my original email when I gave him dates I would be in town and he quickly said (as if the answer was preplanned in case I asked) "I didnt get it"..he obviously lied bc on the chat we had the week prior he said what are the dates again? so he obviously knew I sent him dates previously) I think maybe he had second thoughts about seeing me for whatever reason and decided not to answer me...Then I guess he thought about it right before he knew I would be there and thought I may never get this chance again...who knows

 

so he has ignored me the past almost 3 weeks..I dont know why but I really want to be his friend I missed a lot of his life, Im not jealous he is married yet he ignores me. I figured I would give it one more shot and sent him another email saying I have not seen him on FB since I saw him (and i am on there a lot) and that I hope i didnt not say something to piss him off when I saw him as I never meant to..and if I did I apologize....meanwhile he again has ignored my email so I know now he just does not wanna talk to me but WHY?? This is what I dont understand..he found me and wants to be friends he said and even agreed to see me...but now I cant even get him to answer an email. I know its not the way I looked as believe it or not I look probably better now then I did when I dated him..He even said I still look the same..not bad for 20 years more of age...so tell me why will this guy not be my friend now?...I know I have to now let it go but it just bothers me...I hate when people do stuff like that and you are left wondering what did I do? Is it me? does this guy secretly hate me?

[LucreziaBorgia]

A basic rule of thumb about stuff like this (though there are some exceptions) when it comes to male/female 'sharing' of info: when a woman says her marriage is bad, she is generally looking for support and a friend. When a man says his marriage is bad, he is generally looking for an affair and a sex partner.

 

Maybe he was just looking for an affair, and when it didn't happen he gently shut the door and moved on. Sometimes there are things that happen in life that get caught up inside you like a bone in the throat and until you deal with it you have trouble moving forward. Perhaps he came to end things rather than continue them.

 

I doubt he hates you, but it appears he did put you behind him.

 

It would be best if you did the same. It is clear from your post that he was not interested in being your friend in a true sense.

[hartbroken]

A basic rule of thumb about stuff like this (though there are some exceptions) when it comes to male/female 'sharing' of info: when a woman says her marriage is bad, she is generally looking for support and a friend. When a man says his marriage is bad, he is generally looking for an affair and a sex partner.

 

Maybe he was just looking for an affair, and when it didn't happen he gently shut the door and moved on. Sometimes there are things that happen in life that get caught up inside you like a bone in the throat and until you deal with it you have trouble moving forward. Perhaps he came to end things rather than continue them.

 

I doubt he hates you, but it appears he did put you behind him.

 

It would be best if you did the same. It is clear from your post that he was not interested in being your friend in a true sense.

 

Thanks for the response. I cant say he was looking for an affair as he made no innuendos as such and after our first real sentimental chat he started to push me away..If he wanted an affair I think he would have pursued me and not pushed me away..He says we are friends he wants to be my friend but then he pushes me away..This is what i cannot for the life of me understand...so he clearly doesnt wanna be friends but the questions is why and if not why did he even find me in the first place and what he heck did he even agree to see me...and then to give me a cold greeting well I dont get that either!!! I am very confused and i have to say it hurts me bc I really have tried...

[True2form]

Why dont you just ask him? Tell him what you've told us, it really seems like you have nothing to lose. Send it knowing that you probably won't get a reply, but be content that he's read it, so shove some things in there that you'd like him to know.

 

Ask him why he says he wants to be friends but then lets you down. Assertive communication is needed. I know as a woman, you feel the need to approach everything so cautiously and you hate to burn bridges, but honestly he sounds like a mindf*ck (scuse the expression) Just confront the issue. Men are so much more direct so you never know he might appreciate it rather than all this back alley way of walking towards the issue, prodding him and seeing what makes him react is a bad idea in the long run. Take the main road where everyone can see your intentions!

[hartbroken]

Why dont you just ask him? Tell him what you've told us, it really seems like you have nothing to lose. Send it knowing that you probably won't get a reply, but be content that he's read it, so shove some things in there that you'd like him to know.

 

Ask him why he says he wants to be friends but then lets you down. Assertive communication is needed. I know as a woman, you feel the need to approach everything so cautiously and you hate to burn bridges, but honestly he sounds like a mindf*ck (scuse the expression) Just confront the issue. Men are so much more direct so you never know he might appreciate it rather than all this back alley way of walking towards the issue, prodding him and seeing what makes him react is a bad idea in the long run. Take the main road where everyone can see your intentions!

 

Well I kinda did this yesterday in the email I asked him was he mad at me did I say something that angered him? And he did not seem too happy to see me and I wondered why? why see me then? I asked he just didnt respond and I am quite sure he read it...Some close to me believe he never got over me and seeing me made it all come back and thats why he wont talk to me and has been MIA literally since the night we met up...I mean if you dont want to be my friend why even waste ur time contacting me, answering me sometimes, and seeing me..what is the point..should have just stayed out of my life...I try..and people always let me down and I didnt do anything wrong in this case that I can see other then try and be a friend..

[LucreziaBorgia]

I guess I meant it to mean that he was looking for a little less complicated affair, and found the idea of being with you too much for him or at the very least too much to comfortably have an affair.

 

Either way, he walked away. I know it hurts, but the best you can do is turn and do the same.

[hartbroken]

I guess I meant it to mean that he was looking for a little less complicated affair, and found the idea of being with you too much for him or at the very least too much to comfortably have an affair.

 

Either way, he walked away. I know it hurts, but the best you can do is turn and do the same.

 

Yea I am walking away it would just be nice to know what the heck I did to make it be this way...If I knew it would be much easier to close the door but I will always be left wondering...hence it bothers me...I cant help that altho in time I will forget about it I suppose...