I could really use some help, advise...a hug :-)

[Soft Whisper]

Can anyone give me a little advise or alot....

I am in a 10+ year relationship with the man who I thought was my life partner. We had hopes and dreams for our future. We have shared so many wonderful things and trying times as well. From my point of view we had a wonderful relationship except for the few quirks here and there that everyone has. In February he "fell in love" with his boss for a brief time and she responded in turn. They shared a hug and kiss...and she shortly returned to her husband. He continues to work in the same office with her but I truly believe there is nothing going on other than friendship. I have heard them on the phone together and there is nothing there. My problem starts here. He seems to do nothing to help our relationship. He wallows in self pity and has become a martyr. He says he has ruined everyones life....that he doesn't have the strength and energy and knowledge to work on our relationship...etc etc. We have gone to counseling (Briefly because he disagreed with everything that she said) He has gone to counseling separate from me. (BTW-He is a therapist himself) He is taking anti-depressants. I have purchased and worked the 'Relationship Rescue' book by Dr. Phil. I've tried all that I know to try. He is getting nasty with me now and doesn't give me the time of day, no affection whatsoever....blah blah blah..NOW-he wants "time and space" I am so terrified. I love this man so very much and I know that if he put one foot in front of the other we could work through this but he seems so unwilling. He says he loves me and he is not ready for our relationship to be over. Almost 11 years is a long time...My heart is breaking. Does anyone have any advise? I'll listen.

[Tony T]

You're in a relationship where you are doing all the work. If he is a therapist himself and he can't get through all his issues...and he doesn't respond to another therapist...I feel strongly you need to move on. You've given it all your best shots and he has not responded in-kind. He may love you but it takes a lot more than that to make a relationship work. Frankly, in these days and times, I think being with somebody for ten years is pretty darn good. Move on and get yourself happy again. It's not the end of the world. But hanging around waiting for a Honda to turn into a Rolls Royce is not something you want to be doing.

[Tony T]

Oh, I forgot to tell you...it's "advice" (noun) which you are seeking...not "advise" (verb). Sorry I forgot to mention that above.

[moimeme]

Tony's given you the advice; I'll give you the hug. It is very, very painful to be in a relationship with someone who has 'emotionally divorced' you. Bonnie Raitt's version of "I can't make you love me" is running through my head - the very sad fact is that if the love's gone, it's gone and it is probably beyond repair. You are already in pain; breaking up with him will begin the ending of the pain because it will start the grieving process you'll need to go through. Might as well get it over with quickly so that you can grieve and then move on.

 

((((((((((((HUG)))))))))))))

[innocent]

I'm sorry This is all that I know that I can do I don't know anything about relationships, compared to others here, I am only 18 but I can giv you a BIG[color=red][/color] HUG

[Soft Whisper]

Thanks for the advice and the hugs. (And the spelling lesson as well.) I don't spell well when stressed. I wish it were all so cut and dried. He says he still loves me, has planned a special day for me today and yet says all the other things that confuse me and hurt me. I am just so confused and do not know which way to turn. Thanks again ... sometimes it just helps to vent and to get others perspectives on things.