Very Sad and (long post ~ sorry)

[daddylove]

I have been reluctant to tell my story but am now very concerned about the mother of my three small children and hope that someone out there can help me to understand what is going on.

 

It's a long story, but I will try to keep it brief. I fell in love with a beautiful woman 11 years ago. She seemed emotionally distant and told me a sad story that has haunted our relationship ever since. When she was 15, she lied to her parents to attend a party with her 18 year old boyfriend. He spiked her drink and she awoke to find him on top of her. She could not move and my heart so went out to her. She refused to seek any help and never told anyone except for myself, an ex boyfriend and my mom. She asked that we just try to forget it together and I respected her wishes.

 

When I asked her to get engaged after 5 years she said yes, but when she went to her parents home to celebrate she rang me and said she could not go ahead with it. Her parents are eastern European and have a massive influence over her. I was devastated and told her through tears that I loved her more than anyone else ever could and that I would do whatever it took to make her happy. She returned after a short while once I promised to go to detox for my pot smoking addiction.

 

Shortly after this she got pregnant and punched me in the face after a short argument. I always wanted to have a child with her, but she perhaps did not know how to feel about it. Then a couple of years later we had another child and during this pregnancy and after the birth we were absolutely in love and overjoyed with our life together. This annoyed her parents to no end and they hated to see her bonded so happily with my family and myself. They worked hard to change that.

 

I had allowed myself to again become hooked on pot at this stage and went to a thearapist who suggested I detox on a family holiday and would she be committed to it, which she said she would. Bad idea. She left me stranded and after 4 days alone I was miserable and needed to see my kids. When she was finally convinced to come and get me, the look of hate on her face was devastating to see. I realised then that she hated me and when we got back to her parents house, I tried to talk to them about it. Bad idea. They insulted me and ganged up and kicked me out of the house after calling the police. I was smart enough to run and was very upset and decided that I was better off alone than to put up with this and after 3 weeks was pretty much getting on with my life with some help from friends and family. Then she came back and explained that "that just isn't me anymore" and my heart opened to her like never before. She was looking to finally get help for the pain of her past and I was there to support her all the way. But she somehow avoided the appointments and before we knew what was going on, she was pregnant again for the third time!

 

Shortly after we celebrated our 3rd little girls first birthday I told her that we both really needed to stop the smoking for the kids and insanely we decided to go on a holiday together to get away from the monkey on our backs. Very bad idea. We were intimate the night before we left and she said to me that if we were in any way agitated with each other in the morning that we should say "pinkie promise ~ its not us its the smoking". Well I had asked her for weeks to please help us leave early for this much anticipated holiday and I made the mistake of calling her lazy when she slept in instead of helping me get on the road at a reasonable hour as planned. I know that name calling is not on and really regret this ( I have called her lazty twice in ten years and "bitch" three times too many), but it happened and believe me I am paying the price now. We argued on the road and when she started to stonewall me instead of talking out our problems, I lightly touched her leg once to get her attaention. She became very angry and instead of losing my temper I got out of the car as she suggested. She then took the kids on the holiday without me. I was furious and extremely upset and crazily called her Dad and said he was full of bull**** and hung up (he had insulted me heavily in the past and I guess I had held it all in for far too long). Extremely bad idea.

 

Anyway, when I finally made my way up to the holiday resort, the tension between us was unbearable. I wanted to talk to her about it and touched her on the foot to slow her down as she walked past me and she replied with a strong kick to my leg. I then stuck my face out and she punched me several times in the head. I was numb and very sad to see how much she hated me. I then sat down on the couch crying like a baby with my four year old daughter in my lap crying "don't let the police take daddy away mommy" as she called the police. The police could tell that I had been assaulted, but I refused to press charges, however she insisted on having me charged despite the police trying to talk her out of it.

 

There is no doubt that I pushed her buttons and I am not proud of the way I have acted, however I really feel that her reaction was over the top. I now can not contact her because of the AVO (its been seven weeks NC now) and have two charges of assault pending which I intend to fight. She has been very angry and hostile to everyone throughout this ordeal and seems to be at war with the world and has her sights set on punishing me.

 

I have much love and compassion for her and wish that she would get happier, with or without me in her life. She is making seeing the kids difficult and is showing signs of a deep depression and a very vindictive streak. I can't believe that this is how we end ten years and three kids and I am so sad that I can not even think about my kids.

 

I hope someone can tell me if it is possible that she is directing the anger she has held for 20 years at her perpetrator against me (projection) or is it more likely that she just hates me like any standard relationship gone wrong. I felt very guilty during the first two weeks and took my list of "sins" to my priest who said these were pretty much standard relationship things that happen during fights. But we barley ever fought, were often intimate and I saw no warning signs. She has always been a negative person who blames others (particulalry me) and is very self rightous, but surely she could have given us a chance at marriage counselling as my mind was elsewhere lately with intensive work commitments? I just don't understand what is going on at the moment. Thanks for listening.

[2sure]

Some people are high function addicts. Alcohol, pot, other drugs, pick your poison. They function as in they go to work every day, etc. But there is still always drama involved in their day to day lives because in addition to every day, every life stresses...you have the added stress and drama of the addiction.

 

In your case, multiply that times 2 for both yourself and your wife.

OK, now add three kids.

 

This is not a functioning family unit.

[nicki]

Maybe she has an abusive personality (for whatever reason.) It sure sounds that way. And you sound like me, making excuses and trying to rationalize the abuser's behavior.

 

The bottom line is that she should be doing something to work on these things. It sounds as if you have been doing her work for her, as many of us do.

 

I don't know if she has an abuse problem, or a chemical dependency, or even a mental health issue like Borderline Personality Disorder, but it doesn't matter because SHE doesn't seem aware that she needs to do some work.

 

You can't make her. You will drive yourself crazy. Much better to do what you can and leave the situation, which will remove much stress. Maybe, with some time, she will seek help.

 

All you can do at this point is refuse to be part of the dysfunction.