Nikki Sahagin Posted May 19, 2009 Share Posted May 19, 2009 I don't mean to be crude or vulgar or in any other way offensive, but since we and my boyfriend split two weeks ago, one of my main struggles has been one of lust. Obviously I miss all of the little things; our hugs, holding hands, cuddling to sleep, the thought of him being mine forever. There is no doubt I was in love with him. But one of the key fixations in my mind right now is the sex. Towards the end, the sex wasn't even great. He never wanted it, he was always tired or stressed out, so he said. So I think i'm missing it BEFORE it went bad. I won't share anything crude but god do I miss it. I am a very sexually active person, he was my first sexual partner, but I am really craving sex. I have been out a few times and had the urge come over me (without drink etc) to just have sex a couple of times just to get rid of this urge...but decided against it, because after all I am heartbroken (it may be more about wanting to be close to him) and I am really not the kind of person to do one night stands or casual sex - I don't WANT to, I just want to get rid of the urges. Even when the sex went bad, he still made me unbelievably horny, and thats what i'm struggling with now. As well as getting over the love, (difficult enough) I have to get over the lust...and I have NEVER been so obsessively attracted to somebody as I have to him. I am finding the two together, almost impossible to get over. If I think i'm handling one okay, then I have the other to deal with. Has anyone else struggled with this? How do you get the thoughts/images/memories of you and your ex in that way out of your head...especially if they were your first? I mean for 2 years its just been his body...and I never got bored of his body or less turned on by him. I only got put off towards the end because he seemed to go so off of it...but its like the images and memories of when it was good are almost burned in my mind. I was so comfortable, secure and confident around him in that way. I hate all the things you have to get over when you're dumped! Its like the heartache AND the physical obsession. Its like having to get over a drug! Link to post Share on other sites
fairycake Posted May 19, 2009 Share Posted May 19, 2009 I get what you're experiencing, I've been split from my ex for 4 months now, 2 since no contact. He was my first love too, I'd messed around a bit with other guys but no one who meant anything to me and I lost my virginity to him. I was 25 and I'd craved sex physically since I was about 15 but I just didn't meet anyone I connected with mentally and physically (until my now ex) and I didn't want to just sleep with someone on some one-night casual thing. I'm a physical person too and so was he and our sex life was fantastic and for the first 3 weeks-one month since we split I had the longing for the physical stuff with him. It has got easier though, I think the body craves sex the more it has it so once it's been longer since you've had that stuff the craving fades, as do the memories. As I said I've done years of celibacy (unfortunately) and it's something you get used too! Rather than messing about with other guys when you feel fragile I'd recommend a vibrator!!! sorts out the physical urges without any more emotional pain! I can't say for sure but I doubt I'll go the casual hook up route cos I don't think it will do much for me. Part of the reason the sex was good in my relationship was cos I felt so much for him as a person and connected emotionally so I think I'd feel empty sleeping with someone I had no feelings for. So I'm prob stuck with celibacy again-what I really want is a committed loving relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
lovelinefan Posted May 20, 2009 Share Posted May 20, 2009 You are certainly not alone - I think this might be the hardest part of my breakup, because everything else I can talk to friends/family about, but not this. I believe, and hope, that someday I will no longer be in love with my ex, but I don't believe, and I can't ever see a situation where I won't be in lust with her... I know that sounds weird, but I felt that being with her was absolutely *perfect* physically, and I will probably remember it until my dying day. It doesn't help that every other emotion is tied up with a physical relationship... I think it's part of what's keeping me so pained every day. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted May 20, 2009 Share Posted May 20, 2009 It's quite normal until you find someone else who hits your hot button Link to post Share on other sites
fabulous_chk Posted May 20, 2009 Share Posted May 20, 2009 I can relate to this as well...I miss the sex. But stick with the toys and don't hook up yet with anybody yet - I did and it set me back. The meaningless sex made me miss the ex much much more. Just don't forget that it is addiction - very hard to quit but we must, for the sake of sanity. Link to post Share on other sites
gypsi Posted May 20, 2009 Share Posted May 20, 2009 Yeah we ended having 2 months after the break up we still did it coz it was so damn good, after she told she didnt want to do it anymore i was depressed for a week and then BAM!! I phiscally craved her and lusted after her like crazy!!! My thoughts were consumded with her it was the ultimate torture...i still crave her like crazy and the sad part is that i am 24 and ive been with other girls but NONE of them compared to her, we just fit and melted in to one another. How do you regain your sanity when you lose something so amazing and chances are you will never find it again? Link to post Share on other sites
LadyV Posted May 20, 2009 Share Posted May 20, 2009 My XBF told me just 3 weeks ago, that he has never had such a strong sexual connection with somone like he did with me. I hope that the new girl he is with proves that too!!! HAHA!! Go head, miss me...you know I was awesome! JK. Is that bad? Sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted May 20, 2009 Share Posted May 20, 2009 Yep, I hear ya. It's been 8 months since I broke up with my ex, and he is STILL my favorite masturbation fantasy. With him, I had the best sex I've had yet (by a long shot) -- that is hard to shake! I think about him less now (sexually and otherwise), and I know that the best elixir for my thoughts will be great sex with someone else in the future. Link to post Share on other sites
metro Posted May 21, 2009 Share Posted May 21, 2009 I am going thru the same emotions..I think most of us that have been heartbroken go thru this without expressing it to any one else because sex is the ultimate intimacy between a couple. It's been 3 months since me & my gf broke up & I think about us sexually all of the time & since our split,I've been attracting several females & there have been female friends that know of my split & are now trying to start relations with me, I know at this stage I have no business having sex with any new female because I still hurt for my ex. I just recently started talking to a new female 3 weeks ago & we had our 1st innocent date last week on my side of town & our 2nd date was just Tuesday night on her side of town & since I live an hr away & it was late she invited me to just stay over & of course we ended doing everything but actual penetration. This was our 2nd date & I couldn't believe we were at this level already & I felt extremely bad the next morning because it made me miss even more. You supposed to feel good after being intimate with someone not worse. I've never been one for casual sex because it sucks without real love behind it & this is coming from a guy. Now I will have to tell this new female the truth about what I am going thru emotionally so she doesn't get caught up in my brokenhearted world & I'm not going to date anyone for a while til I get over my ex. Link to post Share on other sites
kizik Posted May 21, 2009 Share Posted May 21, 2009 Now I will have to tell this new female the truth about what I am going thru emotionally so she doesn't get caught up in my brokenhearted world & I'm not going to date anyone for a while til I get over my ex. Yeah, you need to break up with the new girl so as to not put her through your mess. Notice how, apart from the above poster, it's all girls who miss their ex's sex. The reason? Guys have a variety of sexual problems - a lot of minute men out there - and when a girl finds someone with stamina and who actually CARES about their orgasm, they don't realize how rare that is. I laugh to think about that crunchy hippie my ex is dating now, and if he even knows how to flick the bean. There is no such thing as a woman who is bad at sex. You can get freaky, but laying there is sometimes enough Link to post Share on other sites
fairycake Posted May 22, 2009 Share Posted May 22, 2009 Notice how, apart from the above poster, it's all girls who miss their ex's sex. No, think Loveline and Gypsi are male (sorry for any offence if you aren't). 'There is no such think as a woman who is bad at sex' I don't believe all men think that, maybe some are satisfied with just getting it in but most want a bit of experimentation, to know the woman is enjoying herself and for her to do things to him that require some skill. For those of us who miss the sex life, do you think our partners don't miss is as much? (especially if they left us) Was it not as good for them or do they think they can get as good sex with someone else? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted May 22, 2009 Author Share Posted May 22, 2009 well fairycake I found a message on his msn to a girl saying he 'didn't really enjoy the sex'......so I was thinking, uh why the moaning, why did you cum then? Do men fake it too? God i'm starting to hate him and love the idea of being single and stress-free...for a while, sadly...or perhaps fortunately, he has put me off men. Link to post Share on other sites
broken_promises Posted May 22, 2009 Share Posted May 22, 2009 This has happened to me in the past with other relationships and I can already tell I'll feel this way when my boyfriend and I breakup soon. Like you, my boyfriend has been pulling away sexually for some time... all the "tired" and "stressed" excuses, just like yours. And sex with him truly has been the best sex of my life, so I know it is going to absolutely kill me to give that up. And you remember all of the feelings from the BEFORE and how great it was. I can't imagine how angry/hurt you must have been to read that about not enjoying the sex. I just get pissed because so much of what my boyfriend has been discussing about problems in the relationship, I feel like he is putting the blame on me when he has been the person withholding sex, intimacy, time, adventure, etc. So, to withdraw from someone when they are trying to initiate sex and then turn it around to make it look like there was a problem with you (not sure if this is the case for you) really bothers me. Link to post Share on other sites
fairycake Posted May 23, 2009 Share Posted May 23, 2009 Nikki, do you think he could have been lying to try and chat up this other girl? I have heard of men 'faking it' like faking orgasm when they're tired or whatever but I think if you see the cum they must be getting some enjoyment! Plus I'd hope if you knew them well you'd know if it was genuine, worrying thought that it might not have been! My ex didn't go strange sexually on me, he still wanted it a lot and was still tactile etc, I hadn't seen him for a week when he split with me on msn/then the phone. He went distant totally by not seeing me I suppose but there wasn't any distance when we spent time together. In a way it made it worse cos suddenly he 'couldn't' see me anymore when we always had a good time together. Link to post Share on other sites
Emmortal Posted May 23, 2009 Share Posted May 23, 2009 I definitely understand where you're coming from Nikki, I'm in the same position right now. Unfortunately for me there was never a time where the sex was anything less than passionate and explosive. We had a connection in the bedroom that was just incredible. You're right, it's like a drug that I can't stop craving, not just sex but sex with HER. If I happen to find a way to cope with that part I'll let ya know, lol. Link to post Share on other sites
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