Randune65 Posted May 19, 2009 Share Posted May 19, 2009 Hi, new here. I found out my wife of 21yrs was having and affair with my best friend. She says she doesn't love me anymore and has found her soulmate and is in love. She moved out of our house and is living with him and actively looking for an apartment. I told her that I definately want a divorce and she agreed. She isn't remorseful at all and doesn't want to work on our relationship. She is leaving me with my son who is 16. My daughter who is 18 will be moving with her. She says she doesn't want to lose my friendship and actually I don't want to either. Strangely I still love her but the writing is on the wall, plus what she has said. I'm trying to distance myself from her to heal up, but she will call me every couple of days for no reason. What gives? Every time she does it sends me into a tail spin. Is this some wierd way of saying she isn't sure about her decision? I'm confused and really want to move on. However, I would take her back if she seriously wanted to work on our relationship. Help? Link to post Share on other sites
mrimperfect Posted May 19, 2009 Share Posted May 19, 2009 you need to find the answer to this question: "Why did my wife cheat on me?" There you will find the answers to a lot of your questions. Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted May 19, 2009 Share Posted May 19, 2009 First off, 21 years is such a long time and sorry you have to go through this. She says she doesn't want to lose my friendship and actually I don't want to either. You may want to rethink this before you commit to it. To be just friends with her after you have given her 21 years of your life is adding insult to injury. She is now "soulmates" with your once best friend and it is advisable to distance yourself from those that have betrayed you, otherwise you will not heal. but she will call me every couple of days for no reason. What gives? Every time she does it sends me into a tail spin. Is this some wierd way of saying she isn't sure about her decision? I'm confused and really want to move on. However, I would take her back if she seriously wanted to work on our relationship. That's your denial talking. She is sure about her decision as of right now, that may change later though, and if her decision does change, you must be prepared for what you should do about it. Link to post Share on other sites
sinatra Posted May 19, 2009 Share Posted May 19, 2009 I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know the pain but it must be very overwhelming. M opinion would be to start talking with an attorney and get some advice NOW! Take some time to get your head straight by going NC for a little while if it's possible with your kids, not sure. You don't have to be rude about it, but I'm not sure that I would be so kind. Anyway it's time for you to move forward with getting a divorce. Even if something down the line before the divorce is final changes you have to start the process of healing yourself. It's going to be the hardest thing in your life, but stay strong and stay steady you will get through this we all make that promise. You will get through this and get to the other side. Focus on moving on with your new life. i know that sounds like something that you can't do, but she really hasn't given you another option. Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted May 19, 2009 Share Posted May 19, 2009 The only thing that will help you heal is distance. You cannot be friends and have distance. I don't know about your situation, but I would find it hard to continue contact with my wife of 21 years who walked out on our marriage. As a matter of fact I would be hurt and pizzed. So much to the point where as far as I'm concerned, she fell off the face of the earth, even though we had children together. Link to post Share on other sites
mark982 Posted May 20, 2009 Share Posted May 20, 2009 unless she calls to talk about your son,don't even speak to her,hell let tha answering mach. take the call.you're making her life way to easy by talking to her,it's her that won't let go.since your daughters 18,i'd petition court for child support for your son,why give her a free ride.you're gonna have to go hardball. Link to post Share on other sites
Biggie25x Posted May 20, 2009 Share Posted May 20, 2009 You need to slow down and figure out what you really want. This sounds like it was sprung on you fairly quickly. You have not even had the chance to process what has happened to you yet. I recommend what everyone else has said here. Go straight no contact. NC will be one of the hardest things you will ever do. Ask me how I know. BUT it is what you need to do to regain some of your self respect and confidence that the affair your wife and best friend has destroyed. I know you say you want her to be friends with you but do you really. Do you know anyone else as a friend that has treated their spouse like your wife has treated you? Would you ever be friends with someone like that? Or is this just your loneliness and fear speaking? Are you afraid of what this change in your life means. Have you confronted your feelings and really processed what has happened? I can't see that you have. You may think you have but have you really? I have read numerous books and articles that states it can take anywhere from 1 year to 5 years to heal from the pain of a divorce and get on completely with your life. Are you really dealing with this or are you just numb and going through the motions in your life. I know I can't really figure it out. My life seems to be spinning out of control and I have been apart for well over a month. Go NC. It will be hard but it will be better. When you break it and you will it will make you feel like it is day one again. It will bring back all the bad feelings. Remember that though because it will give you strength when you go NC again and think about calling her. You may be able to be friends with her after a while but it will take years and years before you are at that point. You owe nothing to her and need to start working on yourself. Keep posting. The people on here have great advice and have helped and are helping me process my own problems. They have helped me through some of the darkest days of my life and I have never even met any of them face to face. Keep posting Link to post Share on other sites
Author Randune65 Posted May 20, 2009 Author Share Posted May 20, 2009 Yes it was kind of sudden and totally out of the blue. I trusted them both completely. I probably should of mentioned that its been two and a half months since I found out, and only two weeks since I found out for sure she is leaving me. My emotions have totally run the gammit. I've only seen her for a total of three times in the last three weeks. In the mean time I was able to reflect on our relationship and her complaints. I found that she wasn't the only one in this marriage that was miserable. If and its a big if she & I would of just communicated that we weren't firing on all cylinders we could of fixed this. Maybe in time we still could, the last few times we spoke we actually talked better than we had in years. I told her this probably was the best thing that had ever happened to us in retrospect. If we were to try and get back together now it would just end up being the same and we would never make it. I told her I'm moving on with my life. If down the road she would like to try "us" again to give me a call and we'll see. Am I totally over her? No that will take some time. We've been together for a total of 26yrs. But now I have to concentrate on my son and daughter as well as getting myself straightened out. I was super scared of being alone and still am to a degree. But I'm now starting to get excited by the prospect. Also I'm getting an opportunity to make changes in my life that hurt our marriage in the first place. All stuff that I can change and want to, whether for her down the road or my next relationship when that comes. I will be stronger, smarter and more confident. I pretty much came to the same conclusion about us being friends. Some day down the road I would like to be. But for the foreseeable future It will not pan out. It simply wouldn't work for me. I can be cordial due to my kids but thats about it. Because of the kids and impending divorce a total NC won't be possible, however I'm going to do my level headed best to limit contact to just business. I didn't realize I was having denial but I guess I can see that to a degree. At this point she's said some pretty crappy things to me and I've had it. All my kindness is being taken as weakness by her and her lover. Poke a docile dog with a stick enough and eventually he will turn and snarl. I've given/agreed to every thing she has asked, all she has done is taken. She cannot understand why I'm upset. I asked here how did she expect me to react? No more. Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted May 21, 2009 Share Posted May 21, 2009 Yes it was kind of sudden and totally out of the blue. I trusted them both completely. I probably should of mentioned that its been two and a half months since I found out, and only two weeks since I found out for sure she is leaving me. My emotions have totally run the gammit. I've only seen her for a total of three times in the last three weeks. In the mean time I was able to reflect on our relationship and her complaints. I found that she wasn't the only one in this marriage that was miserable. If and its a big if she & I would of just communicated that we weren't firing on all cylinders we could of fixed this. Maybe in time we still could, the last few times we spoke we actually talked better than we had in years. I told her this probably was the best thing that had ever happened to us in retrospect. If we were to try and get back together now it would just end up being the same and we would never make it. I told her I'm moving on with my life. If down the road she would like to try "us" again to give me a call and we'll see. Am I totally over her? No that will take some time. We've been together for a total of 26yrs. But now I have to concentrate on my son and daughter as well as getting myself straightened out. I was super scared of being alone and still am to a degree. But I'm now starting to get excited by the prospect. Also I'm getting an opportunity to make changes in my life that hurt our marriage in the first place. All stuff that I can change and want to, whether for her down the road or my next relationship when that comes. I will be stronger, smarter and more confident. I pretty much came to the same conclusion about us being friends. Some day down the road I would like to be. But for the foreseeable future It will not pan out. It simply wouldn't work for me. I can be cordial due to my kids but thats about it. Because of the kids and impending divorce a total NC won't be possible, however I'm going to do my level headed best to limit contact to just business. I didn't realize I was having denial but I guess I can see that to a degree. At this point she's said some pretty crappy things to me and I've had it. All my kindness is being taken as weakness by her and her lover. Poke a docile dog with a stick enough and eventually he will turn and snarl. I've given/agreed to every thing she has asked, all she has done is taken. She cannot understand why I'm upset. I asked here how did she expect me to react? No more. Don't know if I'd be so nice if I were in your situation. Your kids are old enough now, to understand what your wife is doing is wrong, and she's destroying the family they once had. They will never look at her the same. Neither should you. Now, or years down the road. Man if it were me, sh#t on me, (which she's done to you), then expect an azzhole in return. Link to post Share on other sites
reservoirdog1 Posted May 21, 2009 Share Posted May 21, 2009 Boy, your so-called "best friend" is a collossal douchebag. If he's married or has a girlfriend, be sure to rat him out. POS deserves it. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted May 21, 2009 Share Posted May 21, 2009 F HER and her friendship!!! If that's the case you should get revenge with one of her hot friends and let it be known. Have you exposed the affair, retained a lawyer, cut off your funds and close accounts, she's gonna pay for it one way or another. If it aint about the kids you shouldnt be talking to her. Keep it simple and straight to the point. I know you love her but you gotta go into jerk mode and protect yourself. even if it means being an A-hole. She just doesnt get it, You dont break a man's heart and expect to be friends with him after it! Link to post Share on other sites
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