freia Posted May 19, 2009 Share Posted May 19, 2009 I would be very thankful for advice on how to 1) make my in-laws less controlling, or 2) make my husband finally stand up to them and set the ground rules. Their influence didn't bother me as much before we had children, but their attitudes and actions are interfering too much with what we want to for our children and the choices we want to make as a family. MIL and FIL are used to having a significant impact on my husband's decisions (exept choosing me, maybe :-). They also expect to know details on our everyday life, which he gladly dishes out in daily phone conversations. I feel like we live in a house with no walls. I really don't want their help with our children anymore because of control and manipulation - either through disregarding our rules, eye-rolling, sniping comments or by one-upmanship. Also it is very exhausting trying to tell them what precautions we want them to take every time they insist on watching the kids without "insulting" them. (They are from a pre-child safety era) I think they understand that the few times DH does stand up to them, it's under my pressure, which I would assume does not exactly enhance my popularity. Being from a very different cultural background, I was not what they wished for their only son anyway, but I think they tolerate me. But although they tolerate me as a physical being, they don't tolerate the dispositions my husband and I are making for our children. I have almost no social support network where we live. We live far away from my own family and friends. Opposite to my hsband, I was raised to be independent, but now I feel that I need my own family's emotional support to back me up. Help. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted May 19, 2009 Share Posted May 19, 2009 So, what would happen if you told them to go ef themselves? Some cultures respond positively to strong retaliation. If fact, they'll respect you more. Get in their face and spit a little if you have to. My wife's niece and her husband basically disconnected his family because of similar behaviors. I don't believe the family has even seen their latest child, a son (super big deal in their culture), since he was born. Total blackout. Sometimes, the big guns get rolled out. Hope your H is up to it Link to post Share on other sites
Author freia Posted May 19, 2009 Author Share Posted May 19, 2009 Thanks carhill, I guess I'm a little worried by DH taking their side should an argument arise. He doesn't "see" what I see, which I think is another sign of the power they have over him. He trivializes it or becomes defensive to the point that we cannot even converse. Others in his family have witnessed his parents' controlling behavior too. I think his parents know if they can infulence him, they can influence our whole family. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted May 19, 2009 Share Posted May 19, 2009 No worries. They can "influence" all they want, in the absence of yourself and your children. Your H doesn't have any power over you, like citizenship/residency power, does he? Hopefully, you'll get some advice from those who are better at ignoring and manipulating. I'm more into confrontation. I have a feeling these people don't negotiate... Link to post Share on other sites
Enema Posted May 19, 2009 Share Posted May 19, 2009 I think you need to shock him. Sit down for "a talk" and explain how you feel, then go on to say that you need to think about if this is the type of relationship you want to be in. Link to post Share on other sites
Stuck Posted May 21, 2009 Share Posted May 21, 2009 You and your husband need to understand that you are a family unit. You are for all intents and purposes "one." His parents WERE his family until he married you. Well, they are still his family, of course, but they no longer rule his roost. It must be so hard for you when he calls them up and shares your life with them. That's wrong of him, because he is inviting, and also seems to be expecting, their input. You are correct in wanting him to stop siding with them. I would say keep in your mind above all that you need to listen to and respect his parents, but you DON'T have to "do" their advice. Above all, your husband needs to understand this. Assure him that you love his parents, you are happy they are such great grandparents, and that you think the world of them (even if you don't....but try to anyway ) but that you and he are a family. if you can somehow find a way to have him understand, lovingly, that he is alienating you by sharing your every move with them, maybe he'll stop. He needs to be a decision-maker in his family along with you, not him and his mom and dad. Of course, if you want to include them in some decisions (I'd like to get some opinions on my bedroom - which wallpaper do you like better? Or: can you recommend a good restaurant?). Wise parents should also understand this....as hard as it is. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted May 21, 2009 Share Posted May 21, 2009 I'm going to take the opposite side of this discussion. Self-admittedly, his closeness with his family through daily phone calls, has been going on the entire time. Why must he change this? Also, to what degree of hazardous, are the safety issues? It can't be fun for your husband, to be caught in the middle of a power struggle. Aren't you doing the same thing to him, that his parents are doing...controlling? Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts