All I can think is.. run

[littlemama]

Hello everyone.. today is the first day I have visited this site and I must say I am so relieved. Finally my mom can have a break from all my furious rants and emotional breakdowns, none of my friends know that my marriage is failing and I hope to keep it that way until I'm sure of what to do. So hopefully someone can give me some helpful advice.

 

My husband and I have been together for nearly 5 years but only married 14 months.. we have an amazing 6 month old baby boy. Our story is so long and complicated I dont even know where to start...

 

We were quite the party couple when we were dating, always having a good time together no matter where we were. I was still in college when we were married. Soon after I become pregnant I was too sick to even leave the house, so I dropped out and I've been a stay at home mom since then and I love every minute of it. My husband lived at his parents house before and only worked part time, after we were married my dad offered him a full time job and he took it. Things were great and I thought we woud live a long happy life together. I was wrong. He has always been hot headed and short tempered, but not with me... I have never been afraid that he would physically abuse me although he has held me down against my will on several occasions. He also hides my cell and car keys when he thinks I might leave. He has always been a recreational drug user (marijuana), and so was I untill I was pregnant.. after a miscarriage my childs well being was way too important to risk. But he planned to gradually stop during my preganacy, and made a promise to be clean by the time our baby got here.. needless to say we are still having that argument everyday... his use hasn't stopped, but increased to an everyday ritual for him. So many times he had made me promises and gave me high hopes that this would be the last time... only to shatter it all the very next day. He has ripped me down and broken my trust so many times that theres just nothing left.... He can lie to me and not blink an eye, even though I have told him how much it hurts. Not only that, but after my dad gave him a job he has been nothing but disrespectful. He shows up to work late EVERY DAY and sometimes skips out on work altogether without even calling... sometimes he tells me he resents me becuse I stay at home with our son while he works so I have offered to work or go back to school.. but when I actually make plans to do one of them he changes his mind and tells me I need to be at home and it's the best thing for our son. Our financial situation is fine.. we don't get everything we want, but we dont really struggle so it confuses me.I just feel like I have given him every opprotunity to be a better person, he says he wants it but his actions say he doesn't. This isn't all thats happened, but its the two things that are eating at me right now...... any advice??

[sugarmomma]

You married him knowing that he smoked weed. Why do people think that marriage will change their partner into the person they want them to be?

 

It doesn't work like that. You knew what you were getting when you married him. Now you have buyers remorse. I think its unfair to expect him to change.

 

When we get into relationships with people we have to accept them for who they are!!!! People only change when they are sick of themselves, not because their loved ones are sick of them.

 

I think you may have to back off and let him be. He is simply being the person you married and unfortunately, a baby is not going to change a person who may have a drug habit. Weed is a drug>>

 

I hope you learned a valuable lesson. Don't marry a weed head.

[littlemama]

See this is where people don't see the big picture.... He and I were together for a long time before we made the decision to get married and have a child... notice I said WE made those decisions. And both those events change you life dramatically whether you want to admit it or not. But this is what we wanted. Theres a time in your life when being careless is okay... he still lived with his parents and had no responsibilities.. and because he lived with his parents the weed was only every now and then. Since we moved in together and he doesnt have to worry about them catching him, thats when it became more frequent. Instead of sticking to the plan that we had made out... he just started falling in the other direction. I don't feel guilty for being mad. He chose this life and now instead of being a man and taking care of his responsibilities he is still choosing to live like hes in college...

[Ronni_W]

He chose this life and now instead of being a man and taking care of his responsibilities he is still choosing to live like hes in college...

It's also possible that, when he was doing the choosing, it was somewhat selective or he didn't realize the full extent of it.

 

The thing that is clear is that how you have been trying to help him live up to his adult responsibilities isn't working and is, in fact, having an exactly opposite effect of what you really want.

To me, that speaks to possibly changing WHAT you say and HOW you say it. Along the lines of clearly, kindly and firmly laying out your expectations for yourself and your family, from this day forward. AND the consequences if he chooses not provide the comfortable, safe, happy, mutually supportive and uplifting environment that ALL of you deserve.

 

How he is doing his life is making HIM powerless and helpless, and placing an unfair burden on you to keep things running smoothly. Less obviously, you've fallen into the role of trying to parent/teach...by repeating your wants, needs and frustrations, possibly on a daily basis (nagging.)

It's that BOTH of you let that happen -- each, in turn, filling the gaps between under- and over-responsibility. At the end of the day, each of you just will have huge resentment and anger towards the other.

He may not be aware of the dynamic that HE is contributing. It's a different type of conversation to have with him.

 

Point is, if you stay stuck on, "You chose this; I want you to stop smoking weed; I need you to become more responsible," then everything is gonna also stay stuck exactly where it is. Since he does NOT have the insight, and IF you want this marriage, then it does fall on your shoulders to at least try something different which, with hope and luck, will facilitate his self-awareness.

 

If you try and it feels as if you're still talking to a brick wall, request that he attend marriage counseling with you. Separate to that, you may also want to consider individual therapy so that you can feel heard and get help working through your frustrations and disappointments.

 

Here are a couple of articles that may be helpful: http://ezinearticles.com/?Assertive-Communication---6-Tips-For-Effective-Use&id=10259

http://umsonline.org/Reading/PastIssues/2005/Spring05/Articles/QualitiesOfLovingPartnerships.htm

 

At work, why isn't he being reprimanded (or fired) for being such a bad employee? Whoever is in charge of the decision to make special allowances for him at work is enabling him to live like he's still in college. And, if there have been such allowances made (I'm guessing cos he's related to your dad?), then that has also contributed to making YOUR life all the more difficult. He's not being given the opportunity to face the consequences of his under-responsible ways and its' impact on others.

 

Good luck -- I've been in that position of having taken on much more than my share of appropriate responsibility...it is exhausting, depleting, and leads to being soul-sucking, too.

[2sure]

He works for your Dad and takes advantage of being the owner's son in law by coming in late, being disrespectful, or not showing up.

 

Before that he lived with his folks and worked part time.

 

He takes away your phone and car when he thinks you might leave, after he has lied to you or held you down against your will.

 

He has never given up his daily pot smoking , as most people do when they have children. He tells you he will, but disregards this completely.

 

THIS MAN'S SENSE OF ENTITLEMENT IS BREATHTAKING.

 

You ARE being abused. Possibly because you have been with him so long you have become accepting and even comfortable with making excuses for his behavior and abuse of you.

 

Words are not going to do a thing to change this man, to whom you and your family have handed everything. Action might work, if you have the stomach for it. He should not be working for your family. I know your family does not realize the depths of his behavior or that you are contemplating divorce. But its time.

 

His abuse , disrespect, sense of ownership , entitlement , and control is only going to continue to escalate on this path until things get worse.

[JLee26]

i feel that perhaps you already know what the answer is, but may be unwilling to say it yourself. So i will say what i think, however mind you this is my opinion and based on the few facts that i have before me.

 

When we as women become pregnant, we change, for nearly ten months we have life growing inside of us, and it matures us in a manner that men simply cannot match. The entire experiences gives us a profound new view on life and our place within it. Men unfortunately simply get to be a bystander merely on the outside looking in watching as we change. There are some men (and god bless them!!) who share this experience with us and match us day by day, and become amazing mature adults, and then there are the others who are simply still to adolescent and rebel against the change and refuse to grow up and accept the challenge. I feel that you have found yourself with the adolescent boy rather then the mature man.

 

If he views your staying at home an "easy" job that he would prefer having, then he has no idea what it takes to raise a child. And if he is disrespectful to your family who is providing him with a job, then it is a job he does not deserve. I would allow your father to fire him and have him find his own job, and learn some job skills such as promptness, and accountability.

 

I dont think that you are on a road to happiness, and while you may be able to lead the horse to water you cannot force him to drink.

 

If he is hiding your keys, taking your cell phone and holding you down against your will, he is only a few short breaths away from hurting you. I hate to say it but he is displaying a pattern of an abuser, if what you say is true. GET OUT!

 

I think that this situation is fairly cut and dry, leave and move forward, you sound as though you are young and have a great backbone with your family and friends. Dont be afraid to tell them whats going on and give yourself the opportunity to find TRUE happiness, not some high school/college romance that may never really pan out.

 

Again this is simply my opinion based on the small amount of knowledge i have, but you sound as though you already know the answer and i get the feeling your mother may just sigh a giant sigh of relief if you move on.

[littlemama]

I just want to thank all of you so much for taking the time to read this and give me your thoughts, it helps more than you know.

 

I did give some basic facts about our everyday relationship but i didn't explain what happened to us last week, and after reading your comments i am confident i made the right decision.

 

Like every weekend we mostly took time to relax and spend time with our son.. both our families visited, they are always coming to see the baby , and things were fine. Monday morning comes and i've been up with the baby since 6 that morning. I hear his alarm go off at 6:30 and again at 6:45... he is supposed to be at work at 7:30, at 7:32 I finally go to the bedroom where i find him still asleep. I woke him up but he told me he called in and let my dad know he wasnt coming, that he didnt feel good. I knew that wasnt true but to avoid a fight i let it go.. he went back to sleep and didnt get out of bed until 2pm. As soon as he woke up... outside he went and spent the rest of the day on his 4-wheeler!!

 

The next morning when he went to work my dad called around 8 to confirm his excuse for missing the day before.... I couldnt believe what had happened. My husband told my dad that he had woken up with a nose bleed so he took a BENADRYL, went back to sleep and told me to wake him for work and I never did!!! I was SO furious and so was my dad.. he let me know that he had taken enough and was going to fire him... and he did.

 

When my husband got home he was convinced that I was the reason he was fired. He packed a lot of his things and paraded around the house screaming he was leaving for a good hour. I agreed that I thought that was a good idea and immediately he started taking it back.. saying he was never really going to leave, he was just mad. I stood my ground and made him leave. That was 8 days ago and I havent let him come back yet, even though he is constantly calling, begging and what i would consider harrassing me.

 

I told him in order for me to allow him back into our house things had to change... he has to get and hold down another job without me kicking his a** every morning to get him out of bed and to work... I still don't know if my trust in him will ever come back. The lies came so easy for him and it will always be in the back of my mind. It makes me feel completely different, and im sure my feelings will never be the same again.

 

Although i honestly dont think i have anything to worry about... it's been over a week and he hasnt bothered to even look for another job. He sleeps most of the day away or spends it outside playing like a child. Speaking of, he has only asked to see our son twice. The first time his mother was home and im sure she took care of him. The second he was home alone and because I wouldn't stay during the visit he let me bring him back home... it's pitiful, i know.

[JLee26]

Congratulations on steps well taken, you have one baby to worry about you dont need a grown child to take care of as well, hope all goes well and hold your ground!!!!

[2sure]

its amazing how becoming a parent changes you. It changes how you live, your perspective, your expectations of yourself and your spouse, everything. And its supposed to! Its a turn in the road of your journey as a person and a family.

 

Not everyone changes the same. Sometimes it seems spouses dont change in the same ways. But thats not the issue here. Your H hasnt changed AT ALL.

 

And your perception of him has changed as well. Now that you are a mother , taking care of a baby...you all of a sudden realize you dont want him as another baby...you want a M*A*N.

 

But thats not him. It still has not even begun to dawn on him that HE is going to have to take care of HIMSELF, let alone be a real husband who doesnt abuse his wife, a real father who doesnt have temper tantrums and knows how to hold a job , a real job, that wasnt handed to him.

 

If he has the option, he is going to move back with his mom and smoke pot all day.

 

You have DODGED A BULLET.

 

Now, the thing is this. You love him, you would prefer for this to work possibly. You might take him back, maybe he will get a job. OK. Good luck with that. BUT: NEVER BE DEPENDENT ON A MAN LIKE THIS AGAIN. In other words, protect yourself. As soon as possible, return to school or work. Now! You do not have the luxury of being with a partner who will sacrifice so that you can raise your child at home. Even if he changes, you need to take away your dependence on him.

[Gunny376]

Dump this @sshat and go find yourself a real Man!

You know the kind that sucks it up for the benefit of his wife and children, goes without, scarifices for her and his! That works a job he hates, but brings home the "bacon", puts a roof over their heads!

 

That's a part of something larger than himself!

 

That's thinks about something ~ someone besides themselves!

[littlemama]

Other than my brother passing away this has probably been the hardest thing to go through. It takes so much to stay strong and firm with my choices, he's such a smooth talker. Of course he has an entire list of things he's going to do to make things right, but he keeps wanting to come back home BEFORE he does them. He has been showing up at the house without calling and I have to make him leave, sometimes by threatening to call the police (even though im not sure i could).

 

He is so sure we will work things out, and live happily ever after. The thing is I don't know if I can. All the lies, all the times I believed him just to be let down and all the mental and verbal abuse has me wondering if things could ever be the same. My feelings for him are damaged for sure.. but how do you know when it's time to let go?

[JLee26]

 

I think you already know it is time to let go, 5 years of your life have already slipped by, do you really want to see another 5 go by just as easily? Yes he could change, everyone has the ability, but does he have the drive? if he is true to wanting to change he can and will do outside of the house. If he isn't willing to fight for you and to win you back by following thru on his promises then he is simply wasting your time.

 

STICK TO YOU GUNS, you have made the right moves.

 

And if you dont want o call the cops to get him to leave call your dad, im sure he would be willing to take care of him for you. *wink*