Anyone else here NOT screw around like crazy after a breakup?

[WhyYesThankYou]

Hi guys,

 

Just a quick reality check: Are there other people on this site who DON'T run around indiscriminately having sex with random people as a coping mechanism after a break up?

 

I'm assuming the answer is yes - in fact, I *know* the answer is yes - but I'd really like to hear from some other people whose first reaction after a breakup (whether or not you're the one who ended it) is not, "Okay, then - off I go to the nearest bar to attach my genitals to those of someone else!"

 

I have nothing against people who do that. I get that we all deal with things in our own ways, and some of my ways of dealing with things are less-than-admirable. But I've seen/heard one too many people say recently, "Oh, I just sleep around after a relationship ends; it helps me feel so much better!" This isn't how *I* deal with things, and I'd just like to know I'm not the only one.

 

Or maybe I'm wrong, and allowing any passing person to have sex with me would greatly improve my life!!!

[Sibyl Vane]

I haven't had sex since mine. I have been tempted to but I haven't. Nothing against those that do, I'd probably advise someone to quite frankly, just not for me I guess.

[carhill]

I've never been promiscuous so I don't see that changing as the D proceeds. I'd rather wait for the right lady to share myself with. No prejudice against the rabbits out there

[fabulous_chk]

I had a one night stand and yeah, it was a big mistake.

 

So cross me off your list lol!

 

 

And yeah, stay away from alcohol.

[WhyYesThankYou]

I had a one night stand and yeah, it was a big mistake.

 

So cross me off your list lol!

 

 

Hey, I'm not Santa Claus - I'm not making a list of "Naughty" or "Nice."

 

Share - what do you think made your ONS a mistake?

 

Also - Carhill - I like that you seem to value quality over quantity.

[carhill]

Considering the lateness of my start, one would think me insane to have that perspective, but, hey, that's the crapshoot of life and genetics.

 

TBH, I think it's all the years alone, plus being an only child, which impelled me to find validation within rather than seek it through others. Perhaps that extends to sexual validation as well, IDK.

 

If that perspective changes, I'll be sure to update

[fabulous_chk]

It made me realize that the sex with the ex was the most amazing thing ever. The ONS became pathetic in comparison. I was soooo mad and even told the guy "That's it?" He was down after that - I felt bad for him.

 

(That's another repercussion I don't want to happen. I don't want to hurt other people when I'm hurting myself).

 

 

So the ONS made the ex even more "perfect" in my eyes lol.

 

 

Ah well, I've accepted things and I have to let the memories fade a bit before I let some man rock my world again.

[WhyYesThankYou]

 

If that perspective changes, I'll be sure to update

 

Well, that's one situation in which I'm not going to be lobbying for change.

 

If your posts on LS are anything to go by (i.e. an accurate reflection of your philosophy on life), then you seem pretty onto-it. And if an onto-it person doesn't deal with break-ups by "rabbiting around," then that's good enough for me.

[WhyYesThankYou]

It made me realize that the sex with the ex was the most amazing thing ever. The ONS became pathetic in comparison.

 

Hmm. This might help me (selfishly) feel a little bit better. As my ex (whom I dumped) continues to f*ck his way through the phone book, perhaps I can comfort myself with the thought that he's just trying to find someone as amazing as me.

 

Less selfishly, that's a pretty sucky way to feel after sex. But it helps strengthen my own feeling that leaping into bed with someone new isn't necessarily the best way to go about things (for me). What if, after I dumped him (which goodness knows wasn't because the sex was bad), I had some rancid horrible sex, and then thought, "What have I done?! I've given up good sex for a world of crappy sexers."

 

... Nah. I don't think I'd feel that way. I've gladly given up great sex with him to get rid of the CRAZY that came with it. We're talking "bad crazy."

[Gottabestrong]

I have never screwed around after a breakup, in fact it usually takes me years after a serious relationship to get involved with someone again and as I can't enjoy sex without love that usually means long runs of celibacy.

 

Sometimes I wish I was like those people who get over someone by getting under somebody else. It just isn't me.

[WhyYesThankYou]

I have never screwed around after a breakup, in fact it usually takes me years after a serious relationship to get involved with someone again and as I can't enjoy sex without love that usually means long runs of celibacy.

 

Nice, I like it.

 

Sometimes I wish I was like those people who get over someone by getting under somebody else. It just isn't me.

 

What makes you wish you were one of "them"?

 

Sometimes I wish I were, too. Mainly because if getting over one person were as simple as doing the sex to another person, well, heck - count me in. Much better than obsessing for weeks/months.

 

And I suppose there's theoretically something cool about being "experienced" with a range of people. But again, it's quality vs quantity. And when I think about the type of guy I want to be with, it's not someone who's slept with 100 girls because he was trying to forget about some exes.

[carhill]

Well, that's one situation in which I'm not going to be lobbying for change.

 

LOL, well, that's not to say I haven't been and won't be tempted. It's usually not a problem as long as I don't get too close emotionally to someone. So, with the current stresses, I doubt that will happen. The real low points have already passed. I did have a couple of weak moments along the way but avoided the sexual part.

 

I think, during a breakup and/or divorce, the hard part is retaining a strong sense of self-direction. I often feel like I'm wandering aimlessly. LS has been a great guide along the path

[gypsi]

No i couldnt even bare to think of anyone touching me i am repulsed by the thought of someone else, however after 3 months into the break up i did go out and kiss someone after a few drinks and i hated it! I miss they way my ex use to kiss the first girl ever to make my knees go weak, our sex life was so amazing we use to hook up once or twice a weak after the break up for 2 months....untill she descided one day that she cant do it anymore because its to "good" and it brings back old feelings, so she told me we must stop that killed me!

 

Imagine someone giving you the most ultimate awsome tasting piece of candy that you are super addicted to and then all of the sudden it gets removed off the face of the earth! I wish the sex was terrible would have made the break up so much easier ;-)

[LucreziaBorgia]

I didn't have sex for a couple of years after my ex broke things off with me. I'm glad I didn't. Transference is a bitch, and if there is no one around to transfer those feelings to, then you are simply faced with having to deal with them and put them to rest.

 

Now that I'm seeing someone, it is like a clean slate. I don't think about the ex at all really, and can focus on the tasks at hand.

[Intricategirl]

I realize mine is still pretty recent, but I already know that there's no way I'm going to just indiscriminately have sex. Because of some circumstances, a lot of my friends have told me that I should get out there and get some more experience and variety, even if it's bad. But that's not me. If I'm not stimulated by the person outside of the bedroom, I'm not going to be inside of the bedroom.

 

That being said, my ex was a bad lover. And his new girl isn't a virgin, so she's going to clue in one of these days that he's really not that fantastic. So, I at least get a little satisfaction out of the idea that he left me because of sex, and that will most likely be one of the biggest factors that ends it. Chalk it up as one of the things that gets me through the day.

[LadyV]

Like most of you here, I too, am not the type of person who can just "jump" from one person to the next. I have never been able to do that. I did however, have a ONS with one of my XH's friends, and TOTALLY REGRETTED IT!!! I thought I could handle it, but couldn't. Then when my XBF and I broke up, we did the whole FWB thing with eachother, but quickly, I couldn't handle it so cut it off...He on the other hand, is already "laying" in somone else's bed!!! WHATEVER! Makes me want to vomit!

[brokenglass]

After my ex and I split, she apparently went berserk, sleeping with 3-4 different people in the span of 2-3 weeks. But I attribute that directly to the fact that she grew up here, knows everyone here and has a Yahoo messenger list of 60+ men she slept with before we got together. She never deleted or stopped talking to them because she considered them "friends." Go figure.

 

As for me, I tried to sleep around but it never works out. I did meet one girl that I am really, really not attracted to at all, but gives me good sex about once a week. She knows that there's zero chance of me having feelings or wanting to pursue anything more than what we're doing, and she promptly leaves when we're done or kicks me out.

 

So since the breakup (February/March) I've only had sex about 4-5 times with one female. Someone mentioned on the first page how much they appreciate sex with the ex after doing something like this, which I wholeheartedly agree with (for the most part). As for my ex feeling that way, I would hope so but knowing her, she blocks out anything out of her mind she disagrees with at the moment, whether its positive or negative.

 

I have always wondered how its so ****ing easy for women to do this. You can literally walk into a bar, pick out 3-4 men and take one of them home for the night. With a man its so very difficult. I know so many guys that went weeks, months after a breakup of trying to hook up with nothing going down and women who break up one day and are sleeping with someone else before the night is over.

[Ayla]

I am not like that...however my ex is. 4 days after breaking up with me (very suddenly) he slept with some s**t - just sex and apparently wasn't even that good. She was not good looking either nor a nice person...and no he is not with her or anyone else for that matter now.

 

Apparently it is a means of escape/to forget, and a way for a dumper to affirm that he/she made the right decision, or to justify to themselves that they are a b*****d or b***h. It does not mean that they are over you, but does not mean that they are going realise what they have given/lost either....

[now_what]

I haven't even thought about looking for someone to have sex with. I guess I will be kind of picky - I've only had sex with one person in my entire life and after the breakup of a thirty year marriage, I am really in no hurry. It's been almost a year now for me, because my husband lost complete interest in me when he started screwing his biker chick - now wife. The thought of them together is pretty scary though - the last nine months or so of our marriage he was awful in bed, I may as well have not even been there. We met for the first time five months after he left (at the lawyer's office) and he had disgusting hickeys all over his neck, I guess his "woman" wanted to claim her property. I thought that was very immature behavior for two fifty somethings. I still find it funny though that he still needs viagra to get it up for the new little wife. Enjoy.

[Nikki Sahagin]

I have been tempted to and considered it....because I have a lot of lustful feelings. I even drunkenly text a friend if he wanted to 'hook up' and i've kissed one person. But truthfully I don't want them, I want him - so though I considered it....I've realised its not me. I've never been that girl and I shouldn't become her now. I know the two don't necessarily relate but I see it as a matter of dignity, respect and pride. When he looks back in ten years, I want him to realise that he did lose a good woman - not a good woman that EVERYONE has had a grab off. I know its not HIM I should think about, its ME. But I kind of want to prove he should have trusted me, he should never have doubted me. Also I want that next person....who will make it special. I don't want to be number 1000 on someones list. I understand now why people do it, but I think its substituting either your emotions or your desires onto another person, when really you want to direct it onto the ex....so in that way its unhealthy. Though I suppose if you had great experiences you could forget the ex....but if you have poor ones you'll only miss them more.

 

And for me its not just the sex, but the thought that that person will still be there the next morning, will cuddle you to sleep, will kiss you...all those things. No, its not for me.

[Chinook]

Another one here, not for me.

 

I just can't deal with it. Sex with someone where there are no feelings attached just makes me feel crappy about myself because I don't feel anything for them and because they don't feel anything for me. I already feel crappy, so I don't need to add to it. Again as someone else said, I'm one of those people who can't engage in sexual activity unless it's with someone I care about. So rampant rabbit gets a lot of use in those periods

[fabulous_chk]

I should stay away from sex and alcohol...but sex and alcohol cannot stay away from me lol.

 

I walk around laughing and grinning at the things I did this Thursday. My friends and I went to a stripclub at Philly, got drunk (of course) and ended up in a motel.

 

Officially the wildest night of my life. It was awesome.

[Emmortal]

Count me out as well. I have been tempted but did nothing and plan to keep it that way for a while. Probably a long while if I know myself at all.

 

The sex her and I had was the best I have ever experienced and while I've never been one to sleep around I'm not that inexperienced. We had a connection that created an intensity that was incredible. Until I can stop dreaming of her, desiring her and rid myself of the images of her I have in my mind I have no business getting into bed with anyone else.

[Trialbyfire]

Nope, not once have I slept around after any break up. It's not worth the empty feeling afterwards.

[Ruby Slippers]

Nope. In fact, I am the only one of my single girlfriends right now who does not have a booty call guy. It's kind of lonely not having anyone to really relate to on being truly single and uninvolved. On the other hand, I see how conflicted they are with their situations. They seem to be using them to escape the pain of loneliness, but deep down, they know it's not really meeting their needs and it may even be keeping them stagnant.

 

It's hard for me to be strong being totally uninvolved, especially since I'm the only one of my friends doing it, but I guess that's what really being OK on your own is all about -- keeping up taking care of yourself in the best way you can, even when you're going it alone.