bark Posted October 24, 2003 Share Posted October 24, 2003 What are the signs--behavioral, cognitive and emotional--that a long term relationship ( for example, marriage) is emotionally finished? Some that I have noticed, in my own situation, are: 1.You want to spend as little time as possible with your spouse. 2.Conversation is kept to a minimum and limited to safe topics like chores, schedules and daily responsibilities. 3.You prefer the pseudo-intimacy of message boards to the real intimacy of home. 4. You no longer imagine spending your remaining years with your spouse, and you don't want to. 5. You have "escape" or 'exit" fantasies more and more. 6. Emotional focus, time and energy is invested almost exclusively in the kids, work and friends, not the spouse. 7. You not only stop being emotionally intimate with your spouse but you prefer the company of others. 8. You no longer find your spouse attractive , stimulating or desirable, and have not for years. 9. You feel awkward around your spouse and your in-laws. 10.You no longer view your spouse as a source of emotional, sexual or every day life support. 11.The only thing you share with your spouse are the kids. 12. You stop making much eye contact. I realize this list is not exhaustive. And many of us have felt some or all of these things in our marriage. But when they all appear and are present for years, is the marital relationship emotionally finished? What other signs portend the emotional death of a marriage or any long term relationship? Let me know. Link to post Share on other sites
Leikela Posted October 24, 2003 Share Posted October 24, 2003 No offense, but how many more signs do you need? That is a huge list and it sounds like your relationship has been over for years. How did this sort of thing evolve between you and your spouse? Have you tried to revive it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author bark Posted October 24, 2003 Author Share Posted October 24, 2003 I know the list is broad, but I'm interested in what others experience when they emotionally disconnect with a loved one. Everyone talks and writes about signs of true love at the beginning, but I'm interested in the more painful, unglamorous love's end. Falling in love is easy. Falling out of love is much harder. Link to post Share on other sites
Kay Posted October 24, 2003 Share Posted October 24, 2003 I would like to recommend a book to you, called "Uncoupling," by Diane Vaughan. My husband feels many of the things you listed and, although it is devastating to me as a spouse, this book helped me understand how those feelings can develop over time, particularly through his eyes. It is easily read, not preachy and very enlightening. As I said, now I can better understand how my husband has "uncoupled" over the past few years, what often leads men/women to do so and why. You can even buy it on amazon.com for a few dollars. Hope it helps! Link to post Share on other sites
Author bark Posted October 24, 2003 Author Share Posted October 24, 2003 Thanks, Kay. I'll take a look at the book. The sad thing about "uncoupling" is that it's almost always unrequited. That is, only one spouse or lover experiences the deep alienation of affection. The other spouse is frequently shocked and surprised by the depth of her spouse's disaffection. Uncoupling can take years , occur right under the other spouse's nose, yet she's absolutely dumbfounded when she learns of this. In a perverse sort of way that, too, is emblematic of the chasm that has grown between two people., and of the "acting" that occurs in many marriages. Link to post Share on other sites
ArdeaCandidissima Posted October 24, 2003 Share Posted October 24, 2003 ...but these things CAN be reversed. Just as love grows, and wanes, it can be made to grow again. Link to post Share on other sites
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