Mikew Posted May 20, 2009 Share Posted May 20, 2009 So lately my fiancee and I have been going back and forth about our future family and our families that we are a part of until we get married, and how much they should be involved in or know..i.e. decisions, problems, fights, financial status... We, like any couple has dealt with our problems. I've been dealing with depression for a while now and before I met her I didn't know that I even had it or that depression was effecting my life. So I am grateful for finding her and having her stand by me and be with me in a situation where lets face it, lots of people give up and run away. That being said, we both are really, really close with our families. Through this whole process she has been using her family as a sounding board to get advice on how she should handle this situation. Her mom dealt with a bout of depression when she was younger, so there is logic behind talking to her mom. Not just because she is her mom but also because she has been through it. However, I am not comfortable with how much her family knows about our life. My family knows that I am dealing with depression and that I'm getting help with it but that's it. Her family knows about every fight, every decision, how this has effected us financially..basically everything..Each family member has a different opinion, they are all concerned and I know they all want me to get better. But at the same time, they all want to talk to me individually to find out what's going on. When I talk to them it's like an interview, it just sucks. I understand that I'll always be judged by her family because I am marrying their daughter/sister. Every time that we are with her family, I feel like they are holding back, not being themselves I've been getting this weird vibe for a couple of months now when we go over to their house or out to dinner or whatever. My question is how much information about our relationship and struggles should our families be privvy too? Where do we draw the line? While I don't want my fiancee to stop talking to her family by any means (which is how she takes it when I bring it up). I just don't want them to be involved in every single decision that we/she makes about our relationship.. Sorry for the long rambling dissertation but I feel it was necessary. Thanks in advance for any opinions. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted May 20, 2009 Share Posted May 20, 2009 Part of getting married means joining together 2 families. You become part of hers, she becomes part of yours. Being married means in part, separating yourself from your family to begin a new one. The problem with telling your family or close friends about an issue with your spouse is that once you are over it...it doesnt mean they are. Many people find themselves having to draw the same line you are. I did. It sounds like both you and your fiancé are open to advice. I didnt do this, but know quite a few couples who have and although I was initially skeptical...they have had great results: Go To Pre-Marriage Counseling. They do this not because they have major issues, but to learn how to address them as a unit as they come up. Dealing with each others families and privacy is something discussed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mikew Posted May 21, 2009 Author Share Posted May 21, 2009 It sounds like both you and your fiancé are open to advice. I didnt do this, but know quite a few couples who have and although I was initially skeptical...they have had great results: Go To Pre-Marriage Counseling. They do this not because they have major issues, but to learn how to address them as a unit as they come up. Dealing with each others families and privacy is something discussed. This is one of the things that I'm looking forward too. With her being part of a catholic church, we have to go through couples counseling with other trained married couples in the parish and we also have to go on an engagement retreat with other engaged couples. I think both these exercises will really help us develop a new understanding of where to "draw the line" and how to help some of our siblings (who aren't married) understand that we are no longer able to tell them every detail and use them as a sounding board anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted May 21, 2009 Share Posted May 21, 2009 My question is how much information about our relationship and struggles should our families be privvy too? MarriageBuilders.com has something called 'The Policy of Joint Agreement' that may be useful (under 'Most Popular Links' on bottom right side of home page.) I notice they also have a 'Preparing For Marriage' section that may offer additional tips. Truth is, and you seem to be well aware and accepting of this: she is likely gonna disclose more than you, to more people than you would. We (women) count on our support network...a LOT. But like I said, you seem totally cool with that. So, maybe it's more a concern about her level of discretion? I would not be surprised if her loyalties do change after the wedding ceremony...almost as if some "switch" gets flipped, is how it can happen. But certainly this is something to discuss during your pre-marital classes. Congrats on your upcoming nuptials! Wishing you both a glorious day, and long and happy marriage Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mikew Posted May 21, 2009 Author Share Posted May 21, 2009 MarriageBuilders.com has something called 'The Policy of Joint Agreement' that may be useful (under 'Most Popular Links' on bottom right side of home page.) I notice they also have a 'Preparing For Marriage' section that may offer additional tips. Thanks for the links! I will definitely check them out Truth is, and you seem to be well aware and accepting of this: she is likely gonna disclose more than you, to more people than you would. We (women) count on our support network...a LOT. But like I said, you seem totally cool with that. So, maybe it's more a concern about her level of discretion? I would not be surprised if her loyalties do change after the wedding ceremony...almost as if some "switch" gets flipped, is how it can happen. But certainly this is something to discuss during your pre-marital classes. I am totally cool with her having a support network, I totally don't want to take that away. If anything I want it to keep getting stronger. I was thinking the same thing about the "switch" not just for her but for her whole family. OMG I can't wait for pre-marital classes, I think it's just going to help us out so much! Congrats on your upcoming nuptials! Wishing you both a glorious day, and long and happy marriage Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!!! September 18th 2010!!! We are very excited and happy that our venue, church, photographer, and DJ are all booked!! Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted May 21, 2009 Share Posted May 21, 2009 I was thinking the same thing about the "switch" not just for her but for her whole family. Nah...the family won't be standing up and making vows so don't expect them to "switch" the same way. If any thing, it works the reverse -- they can as easily want to become CLOSER and MORE INVOLVED. Or, at least keep it the "same as it's always been." Like you needed to hear that, I'm sure...but it doesn't hurt to be prepared for all possibilities. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!!! September 18th 2010!!! It is an exciting time in one's life, isn't it? Enjoy all of it and stay stress-free. Best to your future wife, as well...may you always be her groom, and she always your bride Link to post Share on other sites
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