Wants Ex To Be Happy !

[D.]

I was married to a wonderful man in 1993 (we lived together for a year first).

 

He is very dear, kind, thoughtful, polite to all, etc. Well, for several good reasons, it just did not work out. We divorsed in Dec. of 1998.

 

There has been no intimacy (sex) since long before the divorse, but even then there was hugging, kissing, holding hands and affection of that type. He is just a really sweet man.

 

Well, since the divorse, neither if us have been seeing anyone else. Oh, I would, should the ocassion arise. But I just havn't found anyone to suit me.

 

My ex, even since the amicable divorse still does so much for me above and beyond what an ex would do ... like a real FRIEND! He runs errands for me, takes me to hockey games, out to eat ... stuff like that. He worries about me and wants to see me happy.

 

Now, for the past couple weeks, I have been getting signals (I could be wrong) that he is seeing women or a woman ... ya know ... dating. I believe that he is afraid to let me know this out of fear of hurting my feelings. The honest to God truth is that I would be so very happy for him! He is so dear and deserves a relationship with a woman who would make him a great companion and, should it come to it, a wife for him

 

He is a very, very sensitive person ... sensitive to other's feelings as well. How can I tactfully let him know that I would be happy for him if he is, indeed, dating? I would hate him to feel guilty for suffering under the false assumption that I would be hurt knowing that he dates (that is IF he is dating as I feel he very well be)?

 

How should I appoach this with him without him thinking that I no longer care for him, too!? We are such wonderful pals and I don't want to do anything to ruin that! He is my very best friend.

 

Any advice would be most welcome. Thank you.

[Your Friend]

Be forward and honest with him. Tell him how much you value his friendship. How happy you'de be to know that he is moving on with his life. How much he deserves happiness.

 

And how much you pray that your friendship will continue

 

as it has thus far. This is healthy for each of you, and

 

quite a new learning experience!

[Tony T]

Tell him simply that you support him in seeing others on a romantic basis. He is obviously not a very communicative person and would probably never tell you he is seeing someone else so couch what you say in a general context. You will feel some loss because once he gets in an intense relationship, if he is capable of it at this time, his behavior toward you will not be quite the same (as you well know).

 

It is highly unusual for an ex to behave toward an ex as he has been toward you. Yes, he is a nice guy but he is a guy. As time goes on, people change and move on. Life is just constant change. If life didn't change, dinosaurs would still be roaming the planet and they would have to deal with some of the problems they dutifully passed on to us.

 

Get ready for a transition here and don't feel bad about it. Get ready for phone calls and visits to become more infrequent...and that's OK. This man has GOT to be moving on at some point or he is severely abnormal. As you well know, most ladies he takes up with will NOT take kindly to him continuing the frequent contact and generosities he now shows to his ex (you). This may be something YOU critically need to motivate you to make changes in your own life.

 

However, there were, I'm sure, excellent reasons why the two of you aren't living together as a couple any longer. Therefore, the most kind thing you could do at this time is to pray often for any potential lady he may take up with.

 

I know who you are and I saw what you did!!!

[D.]

I hear just what you are saying. I know I must talk to him about it being fine with me for him to date and that nothing would make me happier than to see him in a caring, giving, loving relationship with a woman who is deserving of such a dear man as he is.

 

Also, when you say : "Get ready for a transition here and don't feel bad about it. Get ready for phone calls and visits to become more infrequent...and that's OK. This man has GOT to be moving on at some point or he is severely abnormal. As you well know, most ladies he takes up with will NOT take kindly to him continuing the frequent contact and generosities he now shows to his ex (you)." .......

 

YES! I already thought about that. I would miss him terribly, not hearing from him (as we rarely see each other ... mostly just talk on the phone) and having him there as a friend when I need him and he would need me. But it is well worth the sacrifice in order to see him move on and find another love to make him truly happy.

 

I know I must discuss these things with him as I am so possitive that he feels that I would have my feelings hurt should he see another woman. I am intelligent and will surely find a kind and tactful way to convince him that I am just fine and would be so happy to see him move forward with his life.

 

By the way, I know who you are and I saw what you did, too! LOL! Too funny! Thanks so much for your advice!

[D.]

Dear Friend, Thank you so much for your wonderful advice. What you said is something that I must definately do!

 

I, too, hope and pray that our friendship would continue. But, as you most likely know, the majority of women would not take too kindly to their boyfriend being friends with thier ex as they just would not understand the concept. I am willing to make this sacrifice for my ex's happieness and to see him move forward and find a woman who is deserving of the dear man that he is.

 

Again, thank you.