controlling mom

[dancergal85]

I just wrote a long post and something happened while trying to post it so this is a shorter version.

 

I am 24 and have lived with a controlling mom my whole life until I went to college. Even while in college my mom still tried to control me. Now I've graduated and am trying to become an adult but have found it somewhat hard. This entire year has been my mom getting mad about something (usually what girls in middle school get mad about), we don't talk for a month or more. I then call her to set things straight.

 

I grew up hearing "play the game" from my dad and my brother and I played it as best we could. Trying to please our mom even if it meant we were embarrased. I remember feeling like I ruined New Year's Eve one year because I didn't want to clog in front of about 2,000 people at the after party or some show. I eventually did clog but I remember on the ride home my mom was still mad and I sat in the back of the van crying.

 

My dad seems oblivious in realizing that "playing the game" has hurt my brother and I. Now my mom is mad at me because she thought my boyfriend deleted a comment she posted on his facebook page. Which he did not delete, we are not sure what happened but he did not get rid of the comment. At the time we did not know anything had happened and saw this message to him. Here are there messages.

 

my Mom

Could have told me nicely or warned me you didn't want comments from ME, won't happen again.......you can bet on it!!!!! I've done nothing but try to be nice to you, because of <my daughter>, but why do I get the feeling you JUST DO NOT LIKE ME!?!? And don't you dare upset her!!!!

 

my boyfriend

Hey, sorry I didn't comment on your comment, but I haven't been on the computer since around midnight last night (right before we went to the grocery store). Just check the "online friends" box in the bottom right hand corner, that will tell you when someone is there (if they have a green dot). I didn't log out last night, but I closed the window,

so

I probably had a moon-looking dot. Anyway, just wanted to clarify.

 

Hey, just looking at my page... I don't even see a comment. Did you delete it?

 

my mom

IF you want to clear this up, you know my phone #, going back and forth on here will not solve anything for me. and do NOT call me when <my daughter> is around, this is between YOU & ME!!

 

Do you hate me, are you scared of me or just think you are too superior to give me an explanation for deleting my comments? Well, those thoughts have gone thru my head as to the reason you don't want to contact me and clear this up. You'd think you could take a few minutes out of your very busy day to just call me.........just a phone call, it's not a death wish.............. and straighten this alllllll up. No, you want it to fester and make me even more hurt and angry, enought that I don't even want to be on facebook anymore. Thanks.........., you've accomplished that part single handedly.

 

my boyfriend

I tried explaining it on here. You accepted my friend request at 1:00am, and commented on it. Six hours later another person accepted a friend request.

So

, since 2 people accepted friend requests in the same day it lumped the two of you together - "Brian is now friends with <name> and <moms name>." And since you got lumped together it hid your comment (since it has nothing to do with her) to where only I can see it if I go to my notifications page (where it breaks down everything into individual posts - how I can tell what time someone adds me or what time they post on my wall). I didn't delete your comment. I even tried commenting on it when I found it, and it still didn't show up on my wall. I don't hate you. The whole situation is a little ridiculous. You really think I'd add you as a friend and then delete your comments just

so

you could get mad at me and cause <your daughter> grief? I'd like to think I'

m

smarter than that. If you don't believe the explanation on here, a phone call isn't going to help. Regardless, in spite of this fiasco, I still don't hate you... I wonder about you sometimes, especially since you pull for Dook and UNC, but I don't hate you.

 

my mom

again.....nothing has been accomplished by going back and forth on here. I don't see what the problem was in the very beginning by a 5 minute phone call. That's all I wanted, was for you to have the decency to just call me, possibly your future

MIL

and say....hey, I didn't delete your comments.....if you didn't delete them, what the heck is

so

hard about that.....if you have a problem with that, then WE HAVE A BIGGER PROBLEM. You had to turn something very minor into something ....as you said "ridiculous". The only thing you've accomplished is me being very pissed by your stubborness to talk to me in a civilized manner. I don't know everything there is to know about facebook,

so

if you cleared things up, I didn't get it. You assume too much, AND for your information I've had a lot of crap to deal with in the last few weeks, and still trying to get answers.......

so

yea I've been upset and still upset that we don't lose our home and medical insurance. Sooooo, if you want to be that stubborn, just forget it........just dang forget it.

 

Ok, so because my whole life story is not on this post it may not seem like she is crazy and controlling so if you have questions just ask them. And things are not cleared up with my mom in a five minute phone call. Whenever I do call her regular conversations are anywhere from 2 to 4 hours. She always talks about the same thing, loosing the house, or something to do with money. However, she will not take my advice and sell the house and buy a cheaper one. She does not work either, she hasn't done a thing in about ten years. She won't even do the dishes. I did dishes one christmas when I went in that were still sitting on the stove from thanksgiving.

 

Anyway, any suggestions or "been there, delt with that" would be greatly appreaciated. sorry it's so long.

[carhill]

As an only child with an overbearing mother, I had a simple solution:

 

She had two choices. Respect my autonomy and maturity as an adult or she'd be disconnected. I said it just those simple words. There was no ambiguity. She had seen me disconnect people so she knew exactly what I was talking about.

 

I think we're both glad she saw the light. It certainly made my caring for her during the early/middle stages of dementia much more pleasant and authentic.

 

I hope your mom sees the light. That abyss is not a pleasant place

[curiousnycgirl]

Carhill's advice applies whether you are an only child or not. My mother displayed many of the same traits as yours, and I had to draw the line. Having said that - none of my friends would ever have friended her on facebook!

 

I would tell her to drop it - and to stay off technology until she understands how it works and how to handle it in a mature/pleasant/polite manner. Her posts on his FB page are holier than thou and frankly demonstrate her total lack of understanding (btw I would tell her that - she's making herself look stupid).

 

Do you live at home? If so you need to move out. Your mother cannot hold you back/prevent you from becoming an adult, only you can do that as your reaction to her.

 

Good luck

[Scottdmw]

My ex-fiancee's mother was similar. In the end she broke up our marriage.

 

My best advice to you is to make it a priority to develop a relationship with your mother that you are comfortable with. If she won't have that, you might want to consider limiting contact unless she behaves. You may pay a very heavy price otherwise. Some people don't _want_ to be happy, they derive power over others by making a big deal about little things. If you let them get away with it it only gets worse.

 

Best wishes,

 

Scott

[dancergal85]

Thanks for the replies. I do not live at home, thank goodness. I have been 3 hours away from my family for about 5 years. I think I am hitting that point to where I think this relationship is not worth the pain therefore I will try a bit more and if she cannot behave then I will limit my contact with her, which I have done. I have had some friends say call her at the same time/same day each week or so. But with her if she gets pissed about something then those conversations will not be pleasant or achieve anything but upsetting me. And I guess that is what I need to work on, I always get very down about not being able to talk to my mom.

 

My boyfriend is a great guy but I will not tolerate her trying to control him or our relationship.

 

To those who have had parents like this, what helped you deal with this stage? Besides my parents I have one grandparent left who is in early stages of dementia, she does not really understand. Then the rest of my family I was cut off from for about twelve years due to my mom. I have gotten back in touch with them but it is a fairly strained relationship.

 

Thanks