Friend is irresponsible, inconsiderate and self-righteous...how can I change her?

[dalmatianbaby]

I am tired of being let down. My "best" friend has a bad habit of saying she'll call or we'll make plans and I don't ever hear from her. This has been an ongoing problem for the 3 years that I've known her. She seems to have a "world revolves around me" attitude, where if she does actually show up for plans that we've made she's anywhere from 20 minutes to an hour or more late. Last weekend we had planned to go to a movie, so I called at 4:30 in the afternoon and she wasn't out of bed yet. My husband talked to her boyfriend right after I left a message on her voicemail, and he said that he'd talk to her and one of them would give us a call back. We told him to call one of our cell's because we had some errands to run. Around 7:30 we called both of their cells again, getting voicemail on both. Needless to say, at 11:45 we still hadn't heard anything. Her boyfriend's number was on the caller ID at home, but there was no message. So I tried calling her again, only to get voicemail again, so I left a message saying I was tired of being blown off and that I was washing my hands of the whole deal. It wasn't the first time or the 5th that it had happened, and that I couldn't take it anymore.

 

Miraculously, 5 minutes later, I get a callback from her saying that I should find out what's going on before I leave a message like that. She said that she had been sick all day, and thats why I didn't hear from her. I would have felt bad if she didn't use the "I was sick" routine EVERY SINGLE TIME she didn't call. I just told her that I was done with it. I don't deserve to be treated like that.

 

We haven't spoken since. Am I out of line to want a little consideration when she can't make it, or she'll be late? She never lets me know what's going on until after the fact, and like an idiot, I sit and wait for her to call. Which happens next to never. If she's actually sick, I can understand cancelling plans, but a phone call is still appropriate, isn't it? Not to mention the frequency of the "I was sick" excuse making me feel like I just wasn't worth the time.

 

Was I just raised differently? Am I being too harsh?

 

 

 

Dalmatianbaby

[Tony T]

You get what you put up with. You have spent three years teaching her it's just fine to treat you the way she does because you never put your foot down. Now you want to come in midstream and get upset about it. DUH! If you want to turn this around, let her know just how you want the friendship to be conducted and apologize for the lapse in not tell her three years ago. Maybe she'll change and maybe she won't but I doubt she'll change her ways. She's probably like this to everybody...it's just her style. And she's continued to be that way because people put up with it instead of telling her to take a long walk off a short pier.

[jenny]

are you sure she still wants to be friends? i tend to avoid people that i no longer take pleasure in being with..this is not a brave or strong way to go about ending a friendship, but sometimes its easiest.

 

does she often *make* the plans and then flake out? that would be very strange. when i'm avoiding i just won't call or respond to calls and eventually it works out without undue drama; but i wouldn't lead someone on!

 

did u guys have a fight or anything? have circumstances changed?

[dalmatianbaby]

We have spoken about this, on numerous occasions. This certainly isn't the first time, but most likely its the last. She swears up and down that she'll change...and for a week or so she will. Somehow, however, she always makes me feel guilty for laying these "unrealistic" expectations on her.

 

How unrealistic is wanting a heads up on being let down?

 

I realize that by letting it go time and time again, I'm nonverbally saying "walk all over me", but I'm always second-guessing whether or not I'm being too hard on her. She always makes me feel the bad guy. I am constantly trying to avoid stepping on her toes. "Putting my foot down" makes me feel like I'm being unreasonable. You shouldn't have to set ultimatums with your friends, should you?

 

 

 

Dalmatianbaby

[dalmatianbaby]

Originally posted by jenny

are you sure she still wants to be friends? i tend to avoid people that i no longer take pleasure in being with..this is not a brave or strong way to go about ending a friendship, but sometimes its easiest.

 

 

Quite the contrary...every time this issue rears its ugly head, she says that I don't call enough, or that we don't hang out enough. Unfortunately, every time I try, I have lengthy conversations with her voicemail, and she picks and chooses when she'll give me a call back. When she wants to do something, that's a different story. The rules change...she is still late, but at least she shows.

 

Dalmatianbaby

[innocent]

I have several best friends that did that to me, needless to say that I am not friends with them anymore, basically you have to respect me and consider my feelings too. If all they think about is themselves then why would I want to be friends with them?

 

My best friend Annie started dating my exboyfriend, I could care less b/c I broke up w/ him, he was really weird, not attracted to him ,got on my nerves and was way too attached to me after 3 weeks. So I could care less if she went out w/him at least he wasn't calling me drunk bawling telling me that he loved me anymore.....

 

Well she always made plans with me, THAT DAY and would call me and tell me she would pick me up in a hour, and would never show....my parents are strict so I always had to tell them early what I was doing later, what time, when where, w/who etc...so my parents were contiunously asking me where she was, everytime I called her cell no one would answer...finally one time she picked up and said that she had to work...(b*llsh*T) I was mad, so I called my ex, and Annie's b/f...she answered the phone, I was so mad, I refused to talk to her b/c this was like the one milionth time that this had happened, if she didn't want to spend time w/ me all she had to do was say so, and I could have gone out and done something w/ someone else.....

 

We didn't talk for 6 months, not a word, one day she called me b/c my ex/her b/f had broken up w/ her, I didn't know that was the reason she called me, but she didn't even apologize, and she was just talking about how stupid I was for fighting over something she can't even remember.....

 

well we don't talk anymore.....

 

That was the first time I stood up and said that makes me mad don't do this anymore, and she didn't apologize, that ruined our entire friendship but I am not sorry, she and I should have both apologized to one another, but i wasn't going to apologize for something she started, and that may seem immature, but everytime my friends made me mad and hurt MY feelings, I would always apologize, which it should be the other way around.. so that was impt. to me..... sorry just venting......

[lipglossboost]

This is classic inconsiderate behavior, and I have been there with a 'friend' of mine.

 

These types of people are self-centered and likely will not change. They also, unfortunately, rarely see their actions for what they really are ... rude and selfish. Then, when confronted, they act 'shocked' at your 'obvious lack of consideration' for their lives They can't even see how ridiculous they sound.

 

Your 'friend' doesn't care if she wastes your time. My so-called 'friend' once told me after she was 3 hours late to go see a movie with me that "it's not as if (I) had anything else to do" that night ... hmmm. To which I replied, "yes, because I MADE PLANS with YOU. Had I known I needed to make 'back-up' plans, perhaps I would have."

 

In a nutshell, it sounds as if you have been waiting for her to grow up. And the truth is, (at least it was with my 'friend',) that until her behavior hurts her, she is likely to continue it.

 

In my friend's case, her inconsiderate, self-centered behavior cost her a relationship with a great guy, and it broke her heart, but it also wised her up to her bad behavior.

 

You did the right thing, sweetie. Don't let her make you the bad guy, or make you second guess yourself.

 

hugs,

~Lexi