confusedinkansas Posted May 21, 2009 Share Posted May 21, 2009 No...Really - It is a question about a friend.... I have this very dear friend. We've known each other since high school (he was my prom date - but nothing SEXUAL - EVER!) Anyway, He has been married 20 some odd years & has 9 kids (yes friends, 9) His wife has had multiple affairs. As well as saying things like "I can't be here - this is too many kids to take care of" He kept agreeing to more kids because she seemed the happiest when she was pregnant. They are now divorced (not his choice). She still keeps him on a short leash & strings him along with a little bit of possibility that they may in the future work things out. He refuses to get out & date. Refuses to move on for fear that she will come back some day & want him back. Won't get IC either. He knows that even NOW she is lying about seeing someone. Now, I not an advocate for divorcing JUST because of an affair & I don't think affairs KILL all marriages. But for crying out loud....WADDUP WITH THIS GUY? I can't talk to him. He has his feet firm in the sand. What kind of advice do you give someone like this? I come here cuz you guys are WAY better at this than I am. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted May 21, 2009 Share Posted May 21, 2009 I'd probably give him the same advice that I would give anyone...she's a serial cheater, who's demonstrated no true remorse or attempt to change. She's NOT marriage material, nor is she likely to ever become that. But...the odds are high that he won't listen. Link to post Share on other sites
Reggie Posted May 21, 2009 Share Posted May 21, 2009 I'd say there is not much you can say. He needs to figure this out for himself. He sounds like he needs IC for co-dependency. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted May 21, 2009 Share Posted May 21, 2009 Yes, he needs counseling. He needs to do it so he can be a good parent to those children to counter the negative affects of her lack of relationship or parenting skills(too many kids:eek:). Get those kids away from her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedinkansas Posted May 21, 2009 Author Share Posted May 21, 2009 I am not a huge advocate of counseling myself. I've just had too many BAD counselors giving BAD advice. BUT I did mention to him he might want to look into it. He is a very religious man & I think part of why he can't move on is because of his faith. Believing that marriage is forever. As far as those kids - I agree 100%...WAY too many for this day & age. I kinda feel sorry for them. Their mom is a whack-job. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted May 21, 2009 Share Posted May 21, 2009 Nine kids may be too many. Eight, though, is just about perfect. Even IF the oldest is currently being a 'tard ... Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted May 21, 2009 Share Posted May 21, 2009 To be perfectly honest...he sounds like a lost cause and just as much of a whack job as his ex. What man agrees to have 9 children , raise them, finance them, send them to college, etc....for the sole reason that his wife is less bit*chy when pregnant? Especially a man who acknowledges that his wife was a nut case for years? They should get back together. Link to post Share on other sites
sxyNYCcpl Posted May 21, 2009 Share Posted May 21, 2009 Take him out and get him laid, just make sure it doesn't result in #10. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedinkansas Posted May 21, 2009 Author Share Posted May 21, 2009 Take him out and get him laid, just make sure it doesn't result in #10. :lmao:I wish it were that easy. He even said to me yesterday....He cannot wrap his head around the fact that the marriage is over. SO in his mind it's not. I do keep in mind though that 9 kids is a lot of responsibility. What woman in her late 40's would date a guy with that many kids? (I think the youngest is 4 or 5)....I wouldn't date him!!!! I think even if the X re-marries, he'd still stick around, Just In Case she screwed up that marriage too & he could be there for her & they would Live Happily Everafter! ... Link to post Share on other sites
sxyNYCcpl Posted May 21, 2009 Share Posted May 21, 2009 I didn't say get him a date, I said get him laid. You can even consider paying for a pro if that seems like the easiest way to go, the whole point is to shock his mind into realizing there are other human females besides his ex-wife out there. Granted, late 40's with 9 kids will present it's share of issues if/when he decides he actually does want to start dating, but cross that bridge when you get to it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedinkansas Posted May 21, 2009 Author Share Posted May 21, 2009 Oooooooohhhh...I would have never thought of that!! Funny suggestion though!! Because of his religious beliefs - I'm careful NOT TO swear in front of him. He'd probably have a COW if I suggested that. Link to post Share on other sites
sxyNYCcpl Posted May 21, 2009 Share Posted May 21, 2009 Because of his religious beliefs - I'm careful NOT TO swear in front of him. He'd probably have a COW if I suggested that. Well, if you were going to do it, I would suggest not mentioning it ahead of time, just making it happen. However, if he is that devout, any way of implementing this idea may be an explosion waiting to happen... Overall, your friend has a long road to haul, I wish you both luck. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 21, 2009 Share Posted May 21, 2009 When he's sick and tired of hurting, feeling let down after getting his hopes up, dreams crushed, maybe he'll wake up and get over her and the idea of a future with her again. Until that day comes, this IS his life - BY choice. Link to post Share on other sites
Untouchable_Fire Posted May 21, 2009 Share Posted May 21, 2009 I am not a huge advocate of counseling myself. I've just had too many BAD counselors giving BAD advice. BUT I did mention to him he might want to look into it. He is a very religious man & I think part of why he can't move on is because of his faith. Believing that marriage is forever. As far as those kids - I agree 100%...WAY too many for this day & age. I kinda feel sorry for them. Their mom is a whack-job. Yeah, some counselors just suck, but you say he is religious. Would he talk to a pastor? I've only once had bad advice from a pastor and he was Episcopalian. I think in time he will let go and move on. It takes longer for some than for others, especially when hopes and dreams are involved. Link to post Share on other sites
reservoirdog1 Posted May 21, 2009 Share Posted May 21, 2009 Jesus, is he sure all 9 kids are his? I'm being serious. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedinkansas Posted May 21, 2009 Author Share Posted May 21, 2009 OMG I never thought of that & truthfully never asked him. Seriously he is very religious (& according to him she is too ) - I'm pretty careful sometimes what I say around him. WOW what a shocker THAT WOULD BE!! Link to post Share on other sites
Heroic Posted May 22, 2009 Share Posted May 22, 2009 I dated a gal whose hubby left her. She was deeply religious, 8 years after the break up he got bored with his life and moved back and wanted back in her life. She told me she wanted to try and reconcile. I told her regardless of our situation, objectively he showed no true remorse. They remarried. I told her it was a bad idea, he had never truely appologized to her. 2 years later he told her he was bored with family life and moved away again. Link to post Share on other sites
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