asianmarie Posted May 21, 2009 Share Posted May 21, 2009 [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]I have been dating this guy for 8 months with two teenager kids, 13 and 15. He has raised them by himself for the past 10 years. He chose not to date all those time. When they became teenager he decided to date. I am his first steady girlfriend. I have one 13 year old daughter. Even though we all get along, his girls say ugly and hateful things about me to him when I am not around. He has told them that he wants me in his life but they don’t care. They constantly complain and say hateful things. There are lot of jealousy for me cause they don’t want to share him. They say they don’t want me to do anything for them or want to get to know me to him.I have never push myself on them. I don't tell them what to do or get into issue between them and their dad. He is so stress out on this. We broke up for 2 months so he can try to figure things out. He recently told me about their feelings . He didn't want to tell me earlier because he didn't want to hurt my feelings.We now talk and decided to take things slower. We are hoping the girls will ease up. What can we do, or I do to make the girls want to know me or at least like me. [/sIZE][/FONT] Link to post Share on other sites
dreamergrl Posted May 21, 2009 Share Posted May 21, 2009 You can't do anything but be yourself and ease into the situation. I mean the man hasn't been with anyone for as long as they can remember basically. It's hard for them to picture him being with a woman and accepting something new into their life. It's hard to all of a sudden have to share their dad. Link to post Share on other sites
JeezLouise Posted May 21, 2009 Share Posted May 21, 2009 How much time did you spend with them? How long did the two of you date before you met the girls and before you started being around them for more than 'hello's? Link to post Share on other sites
Author asianmarie Posted May 21, 2009 Author Share Posted May 21, 2009 we dated for 8 months. I was over his house every weekend. We do alot with thte girls. Shopping, going to movies, bowlings , family stuff. We also have taken Christmas vacation to New York and visit his family. We went to Skiing trip. him and I don't do alot of thing by our self. We usually date on week night and he would come over my place after that. The rest , I spend time at his place. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamergrl Posted May 21, 2009 Share Posted May 21, 2009 Have you considered it may have been too much too fast? Link to post Share on other sites
JeezLouise Posted May 21, 2009 Share Posted May 21, 2009 That is a LOT of time to spend together. A whole LOT. You went on a vacation after dating only 3 months? That is a lot of pressure to put on kids - to put in a new person who can sometimes monopolize the attention of a parent. My kid got seriously grossed out when someone would even touch me, like to put an arm around me on the back of the couch, or try to hold my hand. Very territorial. It takes a long time for kids to get acclimated to a new person in their lives - much less in their home. It sounds like you were basically living there on weekends. Where was your daughter? Link to post Share on other sites
Author asianmarie Posted May 21, 2009 Author Share Posted May 21, 2009 My daughter goes there too. Each girls has their own room. we get along so great, we never thought it really bother them that much. My daughter is ok with everything. It his daughter that is having a hard time. I went out last night after 2 months of adsent. We talk alot and decided to take it slow. I don't want to push the girls and want them to go at their own pase. But how do i go about getting close to them as friend without being too pushy? I have done little things for them before so I don't know what else. Should I try to do things with just them? I am scared to make them feel uncomfortable. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted May 21, 2009 Share Posted May 21, 2009 He dropped the ball. By not dating for 10 years, very formative years - he showed them that they come first, that he will not allow himself to be shared, that his needs mean nothing next to theirs. Parents forget that they LEAD the family, not the other way around. Since they are teenage girls - he has a tough job here if he wants to even try to turn this around. He should start by showing them that HIS needs are a priority, and thier opinions and wishes are not. Take vacations without them. He should enforce regarding you: IF YOU HAVE NOTHING NICE TO SAY, SAY NOTHING AT ALL. He should not reinforce to them the idea that what they think matters so much that he will give you up. His relationship with you should no longer be up for discussion. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author asianmarie Posted May 21, 2009 Author Share Posted May 21, 2009 Thank you for the advice. I feel the same way. I have told him that he should think about his needs. I do understand that the kids need him too but he got to put his foot down. he is having a hard time dealing with them not being happy. They were everything to him for many years. I do understand how the kids feel but by him allowing them to get what they want . They will never learn. They know how to manipulate him to give them what they want. Its not good to teach your child that. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted May 21, 2009 Share Posted May 21, 2009 No, you're right - its not a good thing. I know its hard, even tempting, especially as a single parent - to put your needs above those of your children. But really, ideally, you have to. The rest follows. If the parent is happy and fulfilled, the family functions. And with girls - they have learned to manipulate their Dad. They have been taught that their needs, their wishes - are to be put above all else. This doesnt transfer well to future relationships, jobs, the real world. Link to post Share on other sites
Author asianmarie Posted May 21, 2009 Author Share Posted May 21, 2009 thank you, I try to tell him that it will makeit harder for them in long run Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted May 21, 2009 Share Posted May 21, 2009 You know, there are books on raising children geared specifically to single parents. All of the things you are telling him and hearing here would be in them. You could probably even find several just for single Dads. Link to post Share on other sites
Author asianmarie Posted May 21, 2009 Author Share Posted May 21, 2009 I went to Barnes and noble and read some ideas and saying being a single parents and dating. I just don't know how to express my thoughts and others without him feeling I am taking charge of his life. I also don't want him to feel that I dislike the girls either. I know that they are being a teenager and overly protective over what is theirs. Him and I get along so great and truly enjoy each other company. Link to post Share on other sites
paddington bear Posted May 22, 2009 Share Posted May 22, 2009 I feel for you, this is a really difficult situation to be in. I would agree that him being single for so many years means that it would be hard for his daughter's to learn to 'share' their dad with someone else. I also agree that he is putting their needs above his own, as every parent should do to a degree...however, in a few short years they'll be off in college or jobs or with boyfriends and will have destroyed their dad's chance for happiness, leaving him lonely and alone while they go and live their lives, of course, they don't have the maturity to know or care about this now. I don't know if this guy would be willing to do this, but God knows my own mother has used the guilt-trip of 'do it for my sake' enough times on me, and it works. Maybe instead of asking them to accept you, or asking them to be nice to you (as someone said above, he is the leader of the family and right now he's allowing himself to be led by 2 very young girls). He should say to them that their behaviour is hurting him personally, not mention that they are hurting you, they don't care about what affect their behaviour has on you, in fact they want to hurt you, this is the plan, to get rid of you - I know this sounds harsh, but to them it's black and white, they've had their dad to themselves for years and now someone has come along that takes his full attention away from them and they don't like it and will do anything to keep the status quo as it was. If he can make his own daughters realise that they are actually causing him stress and pain and upset, it might help, sure you won't be embraced with open arms, but it might make them realise that their dad is only a mere human being - most people don't realise that their parents are just vulnerable humans with faults and needs, just like everyone else, until they're older. When I was that age, my mother was just, well 'my mother', not a woman, not a person, just my mother, it took a while to see that she was just an ordinary person, like me and maybe they need to learn this lesson a little earlier. I also have to agree with the poster who said something along the lines that he's not teaching them a good example with this, they are not going to turn into nice, understanding, emotionally sensitive women if this kind of behaviour is tolerated, but of course, you can't really tell him that, he's doing what he thinks is best, and you can't really step on his toes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author asianmarie Posted May 22, 2009 Author Share Posted May 22, 2009 Thank you so much for what you said. It was so well explain and gave me some great idea to know what to say to him. I think deep down he see that they are controlling him and part of it may be his false. I think he thought that by raising them and not date when they were young was a good idea. He never thought that it would effect how they behave now that he decided to have a life. You are right, if he doesn't explain to them now how they can't control him than it will make it hard on them as an adult. Kids will manipulate their parents and make them feel guilty as long as they can get away with it. I told him that by breaking it off with me,all its tell them is that " All I have to do is complain and dad will give me what I want." Link to post Share on other sites
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