Author Soul Bear Posted May 24, 2009 Author Share Posted May 24, 2009 Thats the tough part...I know she is gonna call at some point, or email. The only one I will reply to is 'i miss you, i made a mistake' But she is to proud to say that, so she may, if at all, try to get back in slowly. Its hard knowing which way to go..... I do know one thing, and that is a cant be just friends with her Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted May 24, 2009 Share Posted May 24, 2009 Maybe one day we will work our differences out Honestly SB.. this is what would be known as stinking thinking.. you are trying to heal and you still have your hopes set too high or even at all... You have to let her go to heal... You have put yourself thru the wringer and you still have hopes.. dude..it might be time to wipe this experience off the map and start healing... I haven't really seen you do NC yet.. I say yet because I hope you will finally start doing it and you will see how your life improves.. NC means No Contact... it doesn't mean wait a week then send a text or whatever smoke signal you want to send. it means No Contact.. Jusy my 2 pennies... Link to post Share on other sites
fabulous_chk Posted May 24, 2009 Share Posted May 24, 2009 No, change your number and block her email so that you won't have to analyze her words. It's better to have total NC from both sides. If she really loves you and wants you back pride will not get in the way. I assume she knows where you live so if ever she changes her mind she will find a way to get hold of you. Link to post Share on other sites
notalone Posted May 24, 2009 Share Posted May 24, 2009 If its meant to be it will be. Maybe one day we will work our differences out That is irrational hope you are riding on. Let go of it. Don't think of eventual reconciliation...you have to take this as what it is, which is OVER. It's better to be certain of a disastrous presence than to hang in balance in the hopes of a fantastic future. And yes, when a break-up happens, not only do you lose the person you love but also the common friends, the group night outs and the places you ex frequents. A new circle of friends, a new lifestyle comes with every relationship and dies with the it too. My ex and I were friends for years...we met at university and have a large group of common friends. Since the break-up things have been awkward...they don't even mention him in my presence. It's understandable since most people try not to take sides when they are friends with both sides of a split-up couple. Link to post Share on other sites
RogueAC Posted May 24, 2009 Share Posted May 24, 2009 Soulbear, good that you found ls and it has been so helpful for you. Sometimes when you are hurting, bored, lonely, confused, etc. it is the best place to turn. I second art critics post here. This girl/situation has brought you to your knees. I say this wishing the best for you, but why are you hoping that she will come back? To say more hurtful things? To use you when she wants to get high? I know it is hard and it sucks but why not let this one go? Free yourself to love and be loved- connect and experience new relationships as a wiser and more mature man. I know the mutual friends bit is difficult too. They may never really come back. The mutual friends I had with my ex (and we had/have a ton of them) loved me and cared for me after the breakup in ways that they previosuly had not but I had to distance myself a little bit to heal. I needed to find new situations that didn't remind me of him. I also needed to meet new people. It helped a lot. Maybe it would help you too? And we will be here until you get there. Stay NC and you'll get there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Soul Bear Posted May 24, 2009 Author Share Posted May 24, 2009 i agree with you all completely now. Even Samspade I thought we could reconcile and it didnt happen. So I have to let go. Its sad, but of course you all know this, as you are or have been through it already. Its so hard coming to terms with it tho. one moment i feel in acceptance, the next im reeling on a false hope for the future, building her up on that pedestal...damn that pedestal. I put myself up there and at times she just knocks me down and climbs back up again. As you all say, time and NC will truly heal. Link to post Share on other sites
RogueAC Posted May 24, 2009 Share Posted May 24, 2009 That's a breakup for you- you feel every emotion 100 times more intensely. The acceptance part is ongoing. Sometimes I feel I've totally come to terms with things and then, Bham! I feel the hurt and rejection and sadness like day one. The good news is that the recovery time for these setbacks (growth?) is much shorter. I might feel sad for today but, eh it might not even last that long. Especially when I think about all the good things that are yet to come. Are you working out? One of the best things that I did/do to cope is to whip my body into shape. I am stronger inside and out. And as a result I'm in fairly good shape, extra cute and an even better catch for someone new. Link to post Share on other sites
samspade Posted May 25, 2009 Share Posted May 25, 2009 I put myself up there and at times she just knocks me down and climbs back up again. Only YOU can allow this to happen. No one can make you feel inferior without your permission. Stay strong. Link to post Share on other sites
Miguelrg Posted May 25, 2009 Share Posted May 25, 2009 Hey Soul, How goes it champ? Been away down london town past few days gettin my head straight, sorry to hear you've been having a bad time again, as you know i had to start NC again about 7 days ago. This IS the last time because it got to the point where i realised i am allowed to be happy as is she. I bought the movie swingers, i would defo recommend it mate! Keep strong we'll be at the 6 months NC in now time lol! Keep ya head up Link to post Share on other sites
Author Soul Bear Posted May 26, 2009 Author Share Posted May 26, 2009 hey guys...day 5 now... Im doing better, feeling stronger. Still pretty confused at times as I am hearing stories flying about the cosmos.... Found some interesting info- If you made some mistakes then no contact will give her the space she needs to think about, and forgive you for them. When you try to rush in and force her to forget and forgive, she only gets more angry, because you are only thinking of yourself. In the meantime you are learning how relationships work, and how to change both your mental, and physical outlook. And when the time is right (and this varies from situation to situation), you will learn how to properly reconnect to make an even stronger bond this time. No contact doesn’t mean you can not say hi, and be polite, it means you don’t talk about anything personal, or ask her anything personal…you understand? People should learn by now, that you should never say never. You’re not rejecting them, you are just rejecting their attempts to keep up to date with your personal situation, and emotional state, that’s all. They left you, yet they want to keep in touch so they know what you’re thinking, and if you’re moving on, and leaving them behind. When they can’t do this, it builds great curiosity, and will help later on in the plan when it’s time to reconnect. And you’re 100% correct in saying emotional control is 90% of winning your ex back. Your sounding strong as an ox Mig! Thankyou all for your replys Link to post Share on other sites
Miguelrg Posted May 26, 2009 Share Posted May 26, 2009 soul bear mate, you NEED to stop readin about things that gives false hope, you really do, i realised this! it's only going to keep setting you back and keeping that hope alive, once i got past that i felt free again. i'm sorting a new job, a new place, a new car, just gotta get back out into the real world and get occupied without your ex i strongly reccomend hiring the movie swingers mate! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Soul Bear Posted May 26, 2009 Author Share Posted May 26, 2009 I know..... I know I do... It comes in waves....I feel that i am ok to move on, then for a few hours I will just pine for her...then im ok again.... Swingers it is! Link to post Share on other sites
Miguelrg Posted May 26, 2009 Share Posted May 26, 2009 It will probably be like this for a bit longer but honestly something will just click one day, and you'll think 'why the hell am i letting myself do this to MYself' i'm 3 1/2 months since breakup and its only just hit me a few days ago! it's like the urge to call her, talk to her has gone. i even don't care if she's with other people it's like a weights lifted and i'm past looking for hope for reconcilliation because there is absolutely nothing i can do, i can only do things to make her resent me more. now i know what all those other heartbroken people where babbling on about hehe i only watched swingers but i'm going to go and buy it now, its completely a guys movie which helped me see things in a different light with a comedy twist! Link to post Share on other sites
notalone Posted May 26, 2009 Share Posted May 26, 2009 Soulbear, You need to stop reading whatever relationship salvage guidebook you are reading. It's over. Understand that. Or on second thought, don't. Maybe this is your time to give yourself false hope...soon enough you will be kicking yourself for it and getting a new life a la Miguelrg. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Soul Bear Posted May 26, 2009 Author Share Posted May 26, 2009 hehe, no crappy books like that for me. I am moving on, but Im not losing hope. If that makes sense. Im moving on the fact that new house, new job, meet new people etc. But I still dont completely rule out ever seeing her again, if it happens it happens but im not chasing it anymore...well...most of the time.... This NC time is for ME to heal and move on. I understand that. Link to post Share on other sites
Jdw_Icequeen Posted May 26, 2009 Share Posted May 26, 2009 Soul Bear.. I have been following your story for a while now and always learn somthing from reading your posts. I like your positivity for the most part. Funny thing I just read your from scotland. WOW!! Chill down my spine. My EX is from scotland we met online and he moved to america for me. What a trip. No offense against the scottish but I will no longer be importing men. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Soul Bear Posted May 26, 2009 Author Share Posted May 26, 2009 Icequeen- Wow, that was a really nice thing to say- Im touched. Not all Scotts are the same..not unless your from a small village on the east coast where you aunty is also your lover. Lucky im from the Highlands tho. I promise you we are not all bad folk! My ex ex cheated on me with some Portugese douche...I hated the Ports. for years after that! Subsequently I missed out on some great friendships. Link to post Share on other sites
Jdw_Icequeen Posted May 26, 2009 Share Posted May 26, 2009 lol sry like I said wasn't trying to offend you.. It has nothing to do with the fact he is scottish, of course that isn't why things happend this way. It makes it kind of sad everythng we went through to be together for it to end with such a big crash. I was just suprised to hear you were scottish. See the thing is being reminded of the person you love. Seems to be everywhere. Thats what suprised me. Yesterday I was in Walmart and past the stero section and bag pipes were playing. I almost burst into tears. Sorry if I offended you. Link to post Share on other sites
lora22 Posted May 26, 2009 Share Posted May 26, 2009 This is probably the worst comment ever, and I realize that I've never been in a situation even close to yours (never been engaged, for one thing)...but for me, in almost every relationship there has been one moment - something that was said or done, or not said or done, etc. - in a relationship (and once during the break up) that was the beginning of the end for me. Whenever I found myself wanting to try to work things out with the ex, or initiate contact or whatever, I would remind myself of what the one thing was, and focus on it, and it worked 100% of the time to remind me of why we were no longer dating, and why I would be so much better off single or with someone else. Disclaimer: this has never made me bitter or an angry person! I'm on good terms with all my exes, and I don't hate any of them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Soul Bear Posted May 26, 2009 Author Share Posted May 26, 2009 NONONO! You didt offend me at all!! Silly digital text...its hard to comprehend the tone. I was being nice! if you were talking to me face to face you might even have laughed a wee bit! lol Its kinda funny, you come on LS to get away from your ex in a sense, and there it is, slap bang right in front of, a Sottish guy....XD Its good to have those reminders, cos soon you will assosiate them with things about you, not your ex I hope im not making your healing harder... Link to post Share on other sites
Jdw_Icequeen Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 No not at all you don't make me feel bad. I did leave a post about having trouble with NC and no ones left anything for me. THAT makes me feel bad. This is the first night of NC. Usually I get one day of peace and he calls me. I can't seem to hang up on him. Then I see all these ppl sticking to there NC and I want to scream... WHHHHHHY can't I just hang up the PHONE!! Link to post Share on other sites
notalone Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 Icequeen, I am completely with you on the being reminded of ex every other second thing. I bought a book today and one of the characters turns out to be from the same town as my ex is. Silly little thing I know...but it kind of made me sad. Soulbear, Your optimism is rubbing off on me. I dreamt last night that we were back together...it felt so real. And then of course I woke up and reality bit. It's a crappy day today. You'd think after 3 months of NC, I would be better than this. :/ Link to post Share on other sites
Author Soul Bear Posted May 27, 2009 Author Share Posted May 27, 2009 Lora22- I can relate to what your saying. And its not a bad comment at all Notalone- Did my optimism give your bad dream (lets be honest, it was bad as you awoke unhappy with reality)? My dreams of her have stopped now. Except one the other night where she was actually pushing me away instead of us being together which was a bit weird! Gotta keep positive tho...someway...somehow! 3 months NC is a long time...has he made any effort to get in touch with you? Im still dreading the day my ex gets in touch, I can feel its coming closer...her world about her is about to crash. I knew it, and I really dont feel like being the doormat after an emotional affair...its hard when you love someone, even after all the hurt Heres the (poop)scoop. I did post in another thread, but ill leave it here too as i guess its part of my story. So I just heard from a close aquaintence of me and my ex that she has indeed met someone else....no biggee...happens to most of us on here. Now for the drama- Apparently she emailed him saying that she was having feelings for him a few weeks ago, but this guy has just got into a relationship with someone else and is in no way interested in my ex at all and was only trying to be a friend to her when I wasnt ( :[ I know, im a fool) . So the feelings are completely 1 sided.!!! LOL...talk about KARMA!! So she leaves a 4.5 year relationship with me to possibly be with someone she has a strong physical attraction to. I dont blame her, I distanced myself greatly form her just before we seperated. I didnt know what I wanted until she dropped the bomb. Anyway, she is still to find out that this guy is not interested in her. According to a mutual friend this will be a catalyst when she hears it from him.... I know that she will be back in touch after that. But she has kind of damaged trust and the relationship by the way she left me....its gonna be a tough one..... Link to post Share on other sites
notalone Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 No, he hasnt been in touch in these 3 months. He is happy with his new egyptian girl...happy and living together....just happy happy oh so happy. And no Soul...I was just joking about your optimism rubbing off on me...I dream about him every so often. Pathetic, I know. it's just that when I was thinking about my dream today, I found myself wistfully thinking about a reunion....and I thought 'oh wow, I am doing exactly what I asked Soulbear not to do'. But hey, what a stunning new development you have there. I am secretly a bit delighted that she is going to be rejected by the chap she left you for. What are you going to do when she comes back tears and all?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Soul Bear Posted May 27, 2009 Author Share Posted May 27, 2009 Why was the egyptian girl worried? - because her daddy was a mummy!! If you can put 2 and 2 together and make some hilarious yet sick, personal joke for yourself about your ex and his girl, ill be happy. I am secretly a bit delighted that she is going to be rejected by the chap she left you for. Me too! I told her a month ago this high she was on would crash and burn, and before she new it I wouldnt be there to pick up the pieces. I bet my soul on it and she just laughed. Did I save my soul?! Yes, things have taken a twist...I dont have a clue whats going to happen. She is an Aries, so naturally stubborn as hell ...she is also a very proud person...and with the way she left me, she may never come back, and I have to accept that. If she does love me, she will make the effort (although I dont know if one person can put in that much effort anymore). She might not... Only time will tell. Either way, and I dont care what anyone says. I will be stronger!! I trust that things happen for a reason and that all will be as it is meant to be. If I meet someone else before such time, so be it. I can see so many people shaking there heads at me righ now reading this Link to post Share on other sites
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