another over protective mother...

[MCwaffle]

So I have been ignoring this since I was 13 years old, I am 20 now.

My parents got divorced when I was 13 and finalized it when I was a junior in high school, it was a traumatizing time for both my mother and I. We moved back in with my grandmother, even though my mom has never lived more then 2 minutes from her (literally we lived 3 houses away). My mom has stifled my ability to grow since then. basically here is the problem currently:

I am currently in a very committed relationship. my girlfriend lives 2 hours away from me and we drive to see each other once a week. She is even transferring to my school so that we can be together. I can never tell my mom when I am going down to see her though, she gets upset every time. She won't directly say anything against it, but she will get a bad attitude and make negative comments things relating to me going there. She is terrified that we are going to fail our classes (even though she was just inducted to an honor society and I made dean's list). I have stopped telling her that I go down there or even that my girlfriend comes to my school. She freaks out when she comes to my school for the night, she is afraid of us sleeping together. It is directly affecting my relationship, my girlfriend and I only fight over my mother, and her family is in a hard position becasue they then have to lie to my mom when she calls there.

I have been surfing competitively since I was 14 and I have never been to a surf contest my self. She insists on coming to every single one, and honestly it is embarrassing. I have suggested going to an event by myself and she gets upset.

It is impossible to talk to her becasue when we do talk she gets upset and walks away. She plays the guilt card every time. I am given a list of things that need to be done whenever I come home from school (at least once a week) and I said something to the lines of I don't like having a list waiting for me every time I come home. She took this to mean that I do not want to do anything around the house. I have said that's not the case, but logic doesn't enter her thoughts. I said that I want to be able to do things with just my girlfriedn and I, but then I am made to feel like I do not want her around at all, when that is not the case. She nags me constantly at college, and is constantly afraid that I am going to fail out or lose my scholarship (I made deans list the last 3 semesters...)

The hardest part is that when I say to her that she is doing something wrong she does not see it at all. She thinks that she is the perfect mother. She doesn't realize that she will sit in the room when I am watching a movie with my girlfriend. She says that she is nothing but supportive of my girlfriend and I, but she is never happy when her and I go to do things that do not involve her, or when we are not at her house.

My family has tried to get her to get counseling, but once again she sees nothing as wrong. I have told her that she is destroying my relationship, but she refuses to acknowledge that she is doing it.

Sorry if the post is disjointed, this is a stream of consciousness.

[dancergal85]

Do you live at home or in a dorm? How long have you been in college? I'm trying to distance myself from my mom now and I have been told to tell her something like "I love you but ......" I know how hard it can be to talk to some moms like this. I have not gotten it past my mom that this is my life yet. I do behavioral therapy with kids and teens with autism. From the behavioral standpoint they say is this behavior something I want to see more of, if so reinforce that behavior if not do not reinforce the behavior. Sometimes people are looking to get a reaction from you, so try staying calm when dealing with your mom as a start (if you aren't already).