Long Distance Relationship

[alvinpls]

I am currently involved in a long distance relationship with a lady who lives more than 2000 miles away. I have told her of my feelings for her. She did not reject me. How can I find out if she is ready to go serious. Will asking her directly alright or have to wait for her response?

[Island Girl]

The answer to that depends upon how long you have been together, what her choice of words are in response to you, what you discuss when you talk, etc.

 

Have you met her?

 

There are couple who meet and just about instantly are serious about each other and then there are those that date for months and never progress toward a serious relationship.

 

 

Each relationship is different. You can gauge it best because you are in it.

 

If you need assistance then I think we will need more information.

[alvinpls]

Thanks, Island Girl for your comments.

We have not meet before but just have each other's photos. Of course, I am planning to visit her soon. We have known each other for about 6 months. She knew my feelings for her as I have told her before. She is an Asian Chinese girl. Perhaps she may be shy to tell openly, I don't know. But I would like to find out what she thinks about going seriously. I have asked her this recently. Perhaps the reason could be that we have not meet before. Its really a different thing if we face each other in real. This is just my guessing.

Our daily online chats are normally on general topics. Not on those hot and steamy topics. Sometimes I run out of topics, don't know what to talk to her. Perhaps you can suggest some topics to me, on what to talk.

[Island Girl]

The reluctance to talk about certain things could be cultural, or possibly it could be because you two have not met in person yet.

 

Chemistry or that special "spark" is what you both hope for I'm sure. Just try not to put pressure on yourself, the situation, or her for a specific outcome. The heart knows what it wants.

 

As far as what you can talk to her about you can look at or respond to this thread here on Loveshack:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t189222/

 

There has been discussion about this very thing so there are others out there who struggle with this sometimes.

You are not alone.

 

You and your girlfriend are just getting to know each other. don't try so hard to rush it. I know your feelings are strong and you feel so connected but you will see if there is "forever magic" when you do finally meet.

 

I wish you well. And I hope you stick around. There are so many here who are feeling or have felt what you feel now. And it helps to talk to people who understand, doesn't it?

 

Welcome to Loveshack!

[alvinpls]

Hello, Island Girl, thanks a lot for your advice. It certainly help me with this LDR I am having now. Just want to ask you again...do you think LDR works and is it difficult to maintain it?

[Island Girl]

Hello, Island Girl, thanks a lot for your advice. It certainly help me with this LDR I am having now. Just want to ask you again...do you think LDR works and is it difficult to maintain it?

 

I think my relationship is proof that it can work. And there are many others here that show this as well.

 

Difficult to maintain it, hmmm. That is a loaded question.

 

Of course it takes effort - but so does any relationship.

Of course it takes some sacrifice - but, there again, so does any relationship.

 

Both people have to be committed, empathetic, and understanding of the other persons needs.

I don't think that is different than any relationship either.

 

I guess it is the level of commitment that you have with that other person and they have with you that is most important. And communication. In a non-distant relationship thoughts or feeling can be exchanged by gesture or a glance.

We have to spell our feelings out and it is so important to really get down to the bare bones. Running around issues and not spelling it out can cause so many problems.

 

Because of this it is so important to state exactly what you are feeling and why. This is not easy to do and takes so much vulnerability. In effect you are exposing a way that the other person can hurt you and that is scary for anybody.

But it is SOOOOOO worth it.

My husband and I know each other in ways most people don't. And we trust each other with every thought and feeling no matter how ridiculous, insecure, obstinate, or needy they may seem.

 

After all of this we both know we are in it for the long haul. And that is a wonderful thing to know - that another person loves you so much that all of the things like no sex, no physical touch, nothing like that and that other person is still loving you with his whole being (likewise too) and that if something happened (knock on wood) that the person would still be by your side -- to be as sure of that as we are with each other is amazing and has brought a lot to the relationship in these few years.

 

When I married him it was the most sure I have been of being right as far as any event in my life.

 

I LOVE him. Love. Like ga-ga love - movie love. Still. And always.

[alvinpls]

Dear Island Girl,

Thanks again for yr advice. I think I hv found you as the right person to approach in this subject. Glad to hear that you & yr hubby has made it work in your LDR.

Talking about communication, I don't always phone her long distance. We always chat online during weekdays. On weekends, I will always make it a point to text phone message to her. Just wanna let her know I am aware of her presence.

Let me ask you, Island Girl, you meet yr hubby during your LDR or you hv known him first? How long were you both involved in LDR before getting married?

[Island Girl]

Let me ask you, Island Girl, you meet yr hubby during your LDR or you hv known him first? How long were you both involved in LDR before getting married?

 

I met my husband in person - dating and the normal relationship stuff. We lived together before we went long distance.

 

Then we went long distance in January of 2003.

 

I went and visited once in July of 2003 for one week.

 

We were married July of 2006. On that trip I was there for three weeks.

 

That is the last time I saw him.

 

But we talk regularly -- and we reached a milestone last month when he had his interview with immigration. (finally!)

 

So we are getting closer to uniting permanently.

[sunflower89]

Island Girl, I don't know you but I just wanted to say that you are awesome.

 

OP, everything she said.

 

That is all!

[alvinpls]

Hi Island Girl,

Like to ask you this, since you hv been through it before...

Have you ever encountered a feeling like emotionally tired in maintaining this relationship? What I mean is, example...you will be thinking what he is doing at this time, will he be thinking about you, who will he go out with, and stuff like this...For me, I sometimes have this sort of thoughts running across my mind. I think its normal, right? I also would like to ask you, how do I know if she is thinking about me?

[Island Girl]

Hi Island Girl,

Like to ask you this, since you hv been through it before...

Have you ever encountered a feeling like emotionally tired in maintaining this relationship?

 

Yes. Sometimes it is exhausting actually. But the alternative is worse. So I just know that there are bad days and worse days. So I wait for a day to come that is just bad. Wish I could say I'm joking but I'm not.

 

What I mean is, example...you will be thinking what he is doing at this time, will he be thinking about you, who will he go out with, and stuff like this

 

I used to think that all the time. And I'd ask those questions. But now I know what he is doing and with who.

I know he thinks about me all the time.

And he doesn't go out anymore at all.

 

For me, I sometimes have this sort of thoughts running across my mind. I think its normal, right? I also would like to ask you, how do I know if she is thinking about me?

 

It is normal. I still always think about my husband - things that remind me of him come up all the time.

 

The only way to know what she is thinking is for her to tell you. So you need to ask, steer the conversation that way, or wait it out.

 

I hope all is going well for you.

 

I G

[Elyse-]

First off I want to say it takes HUGE courage to speak from your heart. What I heard you say is that you want to drop into something more committed and serious. My suggestion is to be honest and clear with her.

[Admiral]

You haven't met her, you can do better.

 

You are getting into this "relationship" because you do not feel like you can do any better.

[alicechen]

Thanks, Island Girl for your comments.

We have not meet before but just have each other's photos. Of course, I am planning to visit her soon. We have known each other for about 6 months. She knew my feelings for her as I have told her before. She is an Asian Chinese girl. Perhaps she may be shy to tell openly, I don't know. But I would like to find out what she thinks about going seriously. I have asked her this recently. Perhaps the reason could be that we have not meet before. Its really a different thing if we face each other in real. This is just my guessing.

Our daily online chats are normally on general topics. Not on those hot and steamy topics. Sometimes I run out of topics, don't know what to talk to her. Perhaps you can suggest some topics to me, on what to talk.

It's interesting because I am a chinese girl who is suffering from similar relationship. So if there is anything I can help, I'm here.

And I agree with your another post, Island Girl is awesome!

Seriously I learnt a lot from her other posts.

[Island Girl]

Island Girl, I don't know you but I just wanted to say that you are awesome

 

Thanks flower! x

 

It's interesting because I am a chinese girl who is suffering from similar relationship. So if there is anything I can help, I'm here.

And I agree with your another post, Island Girl is awesome!

Seriously I learnt a lot from her other posts.

 

Thanks alicechen. That is nice to know. I'm glad you posted and I take it you have been reading here for a while!

 

OP I hope you take her up on her offer of helping you. She could prove invaluable to you since she comes from the same cultural perspective as your girl.

(YAY!)

 

Cheers!

[alicechen]

Thanks flower! x

 

 

 

Thanks alicechen. That is nice to know. I'm glad you posted and I take it you have been reading here for a while!

 

OP I hope you take her up on her offer of helping you. She could prove invaluable to you since she comes from the same cultural perspective as your girl.

(YAY!)

 

Cheers!

 

Yeah, you got me. I have been reading here for several days.

Currently I'm in a difficult time of my ldr.

I made a decision after I saw your reply for another girl.

I wish myself a good luck.

And I wish you guys good lucks too!

[Island Girl]

Yeah, you got me. I have been reading here for several days.

Currently I'm in a difficult time of my ldr.

I made a decision after I saw your reply for another girl.

I wish myself a good luck.

And I wish you guys good lucks too!

 

I hope it works out for you -- and for all here in the LDR forum.

 

Glad I could help.

[Mei Mei]

I am a chinese from hong kong. My LDR friend is from Ireland. We are divorced with kids. At the beginning I feel it not easy to work out the relationship. But he is a very committed man who will never disappoint me with what he promises. We have developed deep trust though with the five months. I will visit him with my daughter in Aug and he would come in Nov. We hope to meet thrice a year before our kids are growing big enough in a few years. Now we keep daily online for one hour, daily sms while a wake and phone calls. I feel this love is very romantic, but with realistic base. Maybe we two have experienced divorce and we cherish each others for the rest of our life. I dont know when can we be living together in one country, but we are sure to work towards it. I think the real commitment and communication all roundedly is basic to the development of trust. Only now do I know he can really enjoy chinese culture and the learning of cantonese.

[alvinpls]

It's interesting because I am a chinese girl who is suffering from similar relationship.

Thanks, Alice for yr offer. You mean, you are in LDR also now? How is it going? Care to share a bit?

[alvinpls]

Now we keep daily online for one hour, daily sms while a wake and phone calls.

Dear Mei Mei, very encouraging to read of yr LDR experience. Also on how you maintain those daily sms, those wake up calls.....how romantic for both of you. Anyway, both of you are grown ups already, right?

[alicechen]

It's interesting because I am a chinese girl who is suffering from similar relationship.

Thanks, Alice for yr offer. You mean, you are in LDR also now? How is it going? Care to share a bit?

 

yeah, I'm in a LDR with an Australian man.

It's been great lately.

Thank for Island Girl!

Her posts does help!

And of course I'm lucky that he is very nice.

I'm thinking whether I should post a new thread for my story, hehe~

How is it going with your case?

[alvinpls]

Hi Alice,

Best wishes to you on yr continuing LDR with yr loved one. As for me, I am doing ok. We always tell each other, how we are doing for the day. If anyone of us feel unwell, we will let each other know. I always try to care for her in this online virtual way. That's the best I can do. Or I will text her messages. I don't always say " i love you" to her. I always keep this 3 magic words for special moments. I guessed by showing gentle care & concern for her online, she already knows & sensed how I really feel for her.

[alvinpls]

I am a chinese from hong kong. My LDR friend is from Ireland. We are divorced with kids. At the beginning I feel it not easy to work out the relationship. But he is a very committed man who will never disappoint me with what he promises. We have developed deep trust though with the five months. I will visit him with my daughter in Aug and he would come in Nov. We hope to meet thrice a year before our kids are growing big enough in a few years. Now we keep daily online for one hour, daily sms while a wake and phone calls. I feel this love is very romantic, but with realistic base. Maybe we two have experienced divorce and we cherish each others for the rest of our life. I dont know when can we be living together in one country, but we are sure to work towards it. I think the real commitment and communication all roundedly is basic to the development of trust. Only now do I know he can really enjoy chinese culture and the learning of cantonese.

 

Hello Mei Mei, do you feel exhausted in your ongoing LDR? Like, your mind always wonder what he is doing now, is he thinking about you, whom is he going out with, etc......

[Mei Mei]

Hello Mei Mei, do you feel exhausted in your ongoing LDR? Like, your mind always wonder what he is doing now, is he thinking about you, whom is he going out with, etc......

 

 

Hello Alvinpls,

 

Happy to know you! Yes, we both are mature adults. Though we know shortly, we have committed that our love would always be fresh and romantic. We dont take it for granted anytime. Saying I love you , I miss you in diffferent languages spontaneous as our hearts call for it. We dont hide feelings but to show directly. This enriches:love: the love with vivid feeling of here and now romance in a realistic context. So do stand on each others's shoes to feel for each others, then your response is the most thrilling to the beloved one.

[brown_cow_eyez]

You haven't met her, you can do better.

 

You are getting into this "relationship" because you do not feel like you can do any better.

Ive read some of your other posts and they all sound cynical.. he wasnt asking you if he could do better.

 

Island girl I wish I had your courage to be married and not be together, its killing me wanting to meet my SO

 

On topic though I think that you need to ask about her thoughs on a relationship online. I remember that my boyfriend was totally against being with someone online until he met them as a friend. You just have to be clear about what you hope to get from your relationship with her (ie: friendship or "dating")

I wish you the best of luck.