Marriage without reason

[ace-of-paradise]

So here's the situation. Long story short is that my mother died 1.5 years ago and 2 months after her death my father, age 65, opened up an account on eHarmony to look for some companionship. He dated some women and found one that he claims to love and they have now known each other for a year. He has proposed the idea to her that they get married in 2 months.

How do I feel about all of this? I'm actually quite fine with the idea. Who, when, how, and under what circumstances my father decides to date or see people is none of my business and I feel that I have no place telling him what he can and cannot do with his love life. Plus the woman he is deciding to marry is actually a very nice lady. She and I get along fine and I would be perfectly fine if they got married.

But there is a problem. My father has been having some cold feet about the issue. Let me line these issues up:

1. The invitations have NOT been sent out yet which means that he can still call everything off if he needs to without it looking REALLY bad.

2. He has made it very clear that since both he and she aren't super-youmg that they are to have a pre-nuptial agreement. Basically, neither person will inherit anything from the other when they die (unless it's included in their will specifically).

3. Here's the biggie. This morning as we were talking about him marrying her I asked him this simple, but VERY important question. "For what reasons do you want to marry her?"

 

"...I don't know..."

 

I almost flipped out. What do you mean you don't know?! How on earth can you make such a huge decision and not be 110% certain that it is a good thing to do!

So then he came up with a second reason "Well, we love each other and that's what people do when they love each other. They get married."

Ok, now he's getting closer to a real reason here. Love is great, but I don't believe that it is necessary for a person to get married to simply be able to show to another person that they really love them. So I questioned him on this, "why can't you simply stay SOs and skip the marriage part? Both of you are well on in years and well-established lives and routines that will need to somehow merge with this change. Why is getting married so...necessary? "

This moves us on the reason number 3:

"Well, she has made it quite clear that she and I are not to be "intimate" until we are married."

SEX! *In my mind I'm like cracking up with insane laughter at this point* AHAHA really? REALLY!?! ...really. Are you out of your mind? I've heard that sex is apparently a glorious experience that can only be most enjoyed in a romantic relationship. I personally have never felt this desire to ever jump in bed with another person so this reason makes about as much sense as him saying "she's made it quite clear that, until we are married, we are not to (insert bizarre activity here such as antique shopping)"

Ok, maybe I'm being a little bit hard on this subject. Obviously I've never engaged in this activity or felt any real strong desire to do so. Regardless, I've heard from many others that having a deep emotional relationship is the most important thing to have when two decide to get married. He and she seem to have that (I've been away at college so I can't really monitor this). It's just that when I probed him for reasons about getting married they are in this order:

1- I don't know

2- We love each other

3- We refuse to be intimate until married

 

I would be perfectly FINE with him getting married if he was CONFIDENT about it. The problem is that he always is asking us of our opinion about it, to which I always respond "If you're so hesitant about it, why are you rushing things?"

I don't know what to think about all of this. Alarms are going off left and right in my head about this marriage. How would you react in this situation?

 

One thought just popped in my head about all of this. I'm not sure but my father may be trying to "prove" himself somehow with his final reason for the marriage. I have seen him on a couple of occasions surfing the net for "male enhancement" medications. Does this change things at all?

Thanks everybody for your advice, I really appreciate it

[westrock]

I don't see anything wrong with what your father has said to you. He doesn't have to give reasons or explain his reasons to anyone. You may not agree with his stated reasons, but everyone is entitled to their own reasons why they want to get married even if they are unable to confidently express them.

 

It seems that he has dated a few women, taken a year to know this particular woman, has a deep emotional relationship with her, respects her wishes to wait until marriage to get intimate, and is getting a pre-nup before preceeding, plus at his age he's researching male enhancement to probably make sure he can perform in the bedroom with his new wife. Sounds like he knows what he is doing and by your own admission she is a very nice lady.

 

He may actually be confident that he wants to marry her, but is it possible he is having some mixed emotions about not wanting his family (including himself) to judge him in that marrying a new woman might be interpreted as meaning that he doesn't still love your mother? Maybe when he asks for your opinion he is really just looking for reassurance that family members won't start questioning whether he still loves your mother. Do you feel confident that he still loves your mother eventhough he is marrying this new woman?

 

If your father is happy, that is all that counts. Congrats to your father on finding love again.

[SoulSearch_CO]

I personally don't think it's any of your business. He's definitely a grown man and can make his own decisions. So what if he rushes into marriage? They're getting a pre-nup, so what is it going to hurt if things don't work out and they get divorced? Life is about learning. Making choices and seeing what works. Sometimes we make mistakes. And sometimes we make choices we're not sure about and they turn out fantastic.

 

In this particular case, I don't see what the big deal is. Really - what in the world does he have to lose? What are you so afraid of?