not a sexless marriage yet

[applecake]

I started this in the beginning on a previous thread and realised I was better off starting my own thread.

I am looking for help/ advice.

I have tried to keep it brief. Here goes

 

I have lots of female friends who don't make love on a regular basis with their husbands nobody has really given me a satisfactory answer on why. They all say they enjoy sex but could happily live without it.

 

My Libido has most definitely dropped in the last 12 months. I am terrified.

I have started taking magnesium and that has helped a little.

 

I adore sex.

Adore my husband.

But something has switched off inside me. I am fighting it with all my power.

We have sex once or twice a week but that is literally because i have made a mental note to do so.

I did this after realising we hadn't made love in nearly 2 weeks and i was not climbing the walls.

Any amount a week would be fine if I wasn't actually talking myself into it before hand.

 

We have 4 kids, we are busy people and sex was definitely become predictable rather than spontaneous and I know I was a bit turned off by that in the beginning. My H agreed that he felt the same so we are working on that

 

My H is a fantastic lover but has no real interest in trying anything madder than what we have done. He likes it in the bedroom only. He has no interest whatsoever in toys.

which is fine I am happy to accept that but I am wondering do I need more.

Please don't get me wrong my H is not boring and I am not putting him down in anyway.

I personally am searching why I feel so complacent, why I don't feel like tearing his clothes off him anymore.

I am scared that this is how it starts for all the other women and turns into once a year sex.

We are talking about this but I don't think he really understands. I used to be a very sexual person and now I am fighting the lack of hormones.

 

He isn't looking for anymore but I am because I feel the way I do. I know that it is taking me everything to have sex at all. My head is making me start sex rather than my hormones.

I am finding it tiring and I want it over with.

I think my husband is the most gorgeous man I have ever seen.

We have a great time together.

I love curling up with him.

I want to be what I was with him. I miss him.

 

I am not sure if I am making sense.

in simple words. I feel I could easily live without sex.

I am happy with affection.

I am 35, I look after myself and am 90% of the time really happy.

I love what I have in my life.

 

I don't want making love to become a duty or a chore.

It doesn't seem to matter how brilliant the session with H has been. I still go back to feeling complacent.

We read recently about people having sex everyday for 10 days and how it helped their relationship. So we said we would try that but he got sick (flu) and so it was postponed.

I feel scared and rather desperate.

I don't feel that my H finds me attractive. He says he absolutely does, but he isn't bothered at the moment about our sex life. He says he is happy and isn't pushing for more.

He is happy because he doesn't understand that I am making love because I should, not because I want it. How can I tell him that?

I know if i wasn't enjoying it it would then be an issue for him.

 

I am confusing myself at this stage writing this.

Any suggestions?

I am considering seeing my Gp.

I think that i will only be listened to when I stop having sex.

I feel that will be soon if I don't fix how i feel

 

Thanks for reading

[oannamarie]

Have you tried to put something sexy on and making a special night for him. That could help you get in the mood as well. I always put my mentality that I am a different person other than myself and that I am cheating with my husband on my husband. It helps me.

[applecake]

He is absolutely uninterested in anything like that.

He is very pc (that is the best way to put it:)) he is really into being natural and hates anything like dressing up.

It is really hard to explain, our sex life is far from unsatisfactory and there is no issue of technique.

He just doesn't have any interest in kinky clothes or underwear or role play etc.

God I don't mean to make him sound boring.

Here's the thing take my lack of libido out of the situation and we have a fantastic sex life we have fun and it is exceptionally good. If I thought he wanted me to try anything i would do it and we have always discussed what we want and need from each other.

I wear really nice clothes I take huge pride in my appearance. I enjoy looking nice and would dress quite sexy anyway.

The issue really is how do I fix me.

My H is perfect so the issue isn't in anyway related to him.

My libido is rock bottom and possible my anxiety is making it worse.

I have had a really stressful year and life hasn't been easy and now I am out the other side i seem to be exhausted and uninterested in sex.

 

I miss it, I miss being me and feeling sexy. I do feel attractive, I love the way I dress. I am not unhappy in my marriage. I lost an awful lot of weight and since I became thin I seem to have lost my libido. I am now at perfect weight for my height.

I had the sexual appetite of a animal before and I was heavy.

I know if I put that weight on again I will be miserable as I really like being slim and I am healthier.

Is it my age? I am 35.

[Jersey Shortie]

Sometimes I find even if I am not in the mood, I can get in the mood once I actually start getting physical with a guy. Maybe that's the case for you? Or maybe see your doctor for some kind of hormone thing going on?

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I started this in the beginning on a previous thread and realised I was better off starting my own thread.

I am looking for help/ advice.

I have tried to keep it brief. Here goes

 

I have lots of female friends who don't make love on a regular basis with their husbands nobody has really given me a satisfactory answer on why. They all say they enjoy sex but could happily live without it.

 

My Libido has most definitely dropped in the last 12 months. I am terrified.

I have started taking magnesium and that has helped a little.

 

I adore sex.

Adore my husband.

But something has switched off inside me. I am fighting it with all my power.

We have sex once or twice a week but that is literally because i have made a mental note to do so.

 

Thanks for reading

 

So familiar and there is no answer. My spouse is very similar and when I post here, the usual question is response is about what I am doing wrong, my appearance, my participation at home, romantic gestures..... Only thing I have not heard/read is my ability in bed.

 

Ask my spouse and her answer will be similar.... She doesn't know and frankly is not overly worried about it. I guess I should be happy as she is gorgeous and I have no worry about infidelity or her looking and imagining another male.....

 

None of her friends either seem overly interested in sex (and frankly are pissed when their partner/spouse keeps bothering them for sex and have told her so too. My friends will say asides that seem to support not having enough sex either.

 

As a male the first thing we worry about is our performance and ability. Yes my spouse enjoys sex and says she would never bother faking an orgasm, as frankly if I don't hold up my end, why should she pretend to have one???

 

So we are at a loss. You are lucky your husband isn't complaining (like many of us do to various extent). Do you have to pretend by dressing up, role playing, different rooms, scenarios, toys.... Well to each their own. I don't think this is your issue. If it is, then you have combined 2 posts into one.

 

I find on LS, generally you have extremes, but many here I am sure have way more sex then is the norm (or at least I hope so for my sanity:D).

 

Again though I look at many attractive single females (neighbours, friends, acquaintances) + ones going through separations and divorces in sexless marriages for years (mid 30's-50) and frankly know they aren't having too much sex and certainly could be having relationships.

 

Sounds sad, but I find myself looking at those adds to increase female pleasure and libido and continually think I need to buy, grind up in her coffee and see if it works (a joke).....

 

So unfortunately from what I can tell, sounds normal (though I am very unhappy at that) and hope some women could answer those questions you pose.

[angie2443]

How old are your kids?

 

Also, you mentioned you lost weight and some of your libido with that. Is your weight at least close to the ideal weight for your height? I ask because you do need some fat to produce enough hormones to make you feel healthy. I went through a severe (according to others) weight loss and I did loose some energy because of it. I was alright when I gained some of it back.

[Mr. Lucky]

My H is a fantastic lover but has no real interest in trying anything madder than what we have done. He likes it in the bedroom only. He has no interest whatsoever in toys.

which is fine I am happy to accept that but I am wondering do I need more.

His reluctance to try new things is unfortunate. My wife and I had arrived at roughly the same place - her doubting her enjoyment and me doubting my ability to make it enjoyable for her. With sex there is no greater aphrodisiac than success and no greater turn-off than failure.

 

The use of toys - specifically a vibrator during foreplay - was a revelation. She gets excited and her excitement rubs off (pun intended ) on me. In a matter of speaking, you may have to take matters into your own hands...

 

Mr. Lucky

[MarkTwain]

applecake-

 

I am interested to know more. I have talked to a lot of women who go off sex for one reason or another. Please could I ask a question:

You say hubby is happy with the level of sex at the moment. When you were really into sex, what was your hubby's response like?

[applecake]

exactly the same as it is now.

 

We had a chat at the weekend and both said we thought we should try to spend more time together, to maybe try being physical with each other and not have sex, as I felt that that was the only time we showed physical attention towards each other was just to get lucky.

I am annoyed with him at the moment so that won't be happening tonight:laugh:.

I will keep you posted.

 

Another thought I have had is that I am obsessing a bit about sex and here's a whopper.

We have 4 kids, we had them very early and now they are all getting big. All my friends are only starting their families and I am ridiculously broody.

We can't have anymore kids.

I am wondering is this an added issue.

Just a thought to any women reading, maybe you have some input.

[carhill]

We had a chat at the weekend and both said we thought we should try to spend more time together, to maybe try being physical with each other and not have sex, as I felt that that was the only time we showed physical attention towards each other was just to get lucky

 

Yes, try that for a month and see how it goes. Do it in public, in front of the kids, everywhere. It sounds like other priorities have interceded with your intimacy outside the bedroom. Ask H to be the proactive one in this instance.

 

Best wishes!

[HsMomma]

Applecake, I don't want to pry, but there may be something physiological going on here that makes a difference in your libido level. You said you can't have any more kids - have you had a hysterectomy or did he have a vasectomy (you don't really have to answer me on this board, just something to think about)? Have you ever had any bouts with depression? Here's a real kicker - I found out after being with my husband (who, by the way, is also fabulous & a terrific lover) for over a decade & all of a sudden losing a GREAT deal of interest in sex - I, like you, love sex & always have, especially with him - that my thyroid was underactive (hypothyroidism). The docs put me on meds for the thyroid & all of a sudden, it was like 'the good ole days' all over again. I didn't have the slightest clue that an underactive thyroid could cause loss of libido. Anyway, just some potential things to think about. I'd definitely go in for a check-up with the doc just to be sure it's not something that, really, is very easy to fix & changes everything!

 

Good luck to you

[carhill]

I echo the suggestion for getting a medical evaluation and opinion. Excellent advice.

 

Also, reading, I see you've had four children, now older, and appear to be a bit envious or feeling left out with your social circle starting new families (infants/babies/toddlers). I'm wondering out loud, even with your success as a mother, if mothering is still at the forefront of your self-image and is somehow affecting your libido, since you can no longer have children biologically. Have you considered adoption? Is there an emptiness now which only a child can fill? IDK, just pondering the possibilities....

[MarkTwain]

Applecake-

 

I did about six months research into why women go off sex with their husbands, and the #1 reason was some form of resentment. Could this apply in your case?

[angie2443]

 

Another thought I have had is that I am obsessing a bit about sex and here's a whopper.

We have 4 kids, we had them very early and now they are all getting big. All my friends are only starting their families and I am ridiculously broody.

We can't have anymore kids.

I am wondering is this an added issue.

Just a thought to any women reading, maybe you have some input.

 

My husband and I have four kids 5 and under. It can be very draining. You absolutely have to schedule time in for yourself and your marriage.

 

When you say you cant' have any more kids, do you mean that more kids would be too much to handle?

[carhill]

I took the "ridiculously broody" remark to mean she felt she was missing something with their friends having new babies and she couldn't. Hopefully she'll clarify. If so, that kind of emotion, so elemental for a woman who perhaps defines a goodly part of herself by being a mother, could form an emotional basis for her libido decline. If the reasons lie within her H, there could be subconscious resentment of him, even though he's a great guy and a good lover otherwise. Relationships are complex....

[angie2443]

I took the "ridiculously broody" remark to mean she felt she was missing something with their friends having new babies and she couldn't. Hopefully she'll clarify. If so, that kind of emotion, so elemental for a woman who perhaps defines a goodly part of herself by being a mother, could form an emotional basis for her libido decline. If the reasons lie within her H, there could be subconscious resentment of him, even though he's a great guy and a good lover otherwise. Relationships are complex....

 

Are you saying she may resent her husband if she can't have more children and the reason is somehow because of her husband? That's an interesting thought. I hope she does clarify this.

[carhill]

Say, for example, that H had testicular cancer and can no longer produce sperm. Such a health issue is completely outside of his control and, cognitively, W knows it's not his "fault" they can't have any more children biologically, but, emotionally, she may harbor resentment. That's one example of many.

 

Also, another thing....she shared that she lost a lot of weight. It's possible that H is feeling a bit intimidated by her newfound perceived attractiveness and has pulled back emotionally a bit, hence the dearth of PDA's and non-sexual physical affection, and that is telegraphing to her that he's not interested, lowering her desire.

 

Lots of scenarios...

[angie2443]

Say, for example, that H had testicular cancer and can no longer produce sperm. Such a health issue is completely outside of his control and, cognitively, W knows it's not his "fault" they can't have any more children biologically, but, emotionally, she may harbor resentment. That's one example of many.

 

Also, another thing....she shared that she lost a lot of weight. It's possible that H is feeling a bit intimidated by her newfound perceived attractiveness and has pulled back emotionally a bit, hence the dearth of PDA's and non-sexual physical affection, and that is telegraphing to her that he's not interested, lowering her desire.

 

Lots of scenarios...

 

This could be the case if she wants more children then. At the same time, It's hard for me to imagine wanting more after 4. Maybe that's because mine are still so young.

[applecake]

Firstly We both made the decision to not have another child due to very serious medical complications when I am pregnant. Our last pregnancy was twins, we lost one, had the possibility of losing the other baby and myself.

We BOTH said it would be wrong to risk another pregnancy plus four is plenty.

 

I don't resent my friends at all, I think that I am just hormonal and this is making me wish and long for another baby made worse by the constant baby talk and pregnant friends.

My H has had a Vasectomy so it isn't going to happen.

 

I can't resent him for that as we both made the decision because it became more apparent with each pregnancy just how dangerous it is for me. I think he was amazing to go and get it done to protect me and our kids.

He took that responsibility and did what was best.

 

I don't know guys I am just throwing stuff out there as my mind is addled.

I think I need to see a doctor, I am unbelievably tired at the moment and not because I am a mother and have loads to do.

I am crippled with tiredness.

 

Thanks for the input guys.

I will keep you posted

[angie2443]

I am unbelievably tired at the moment and not because I am a mother and have loads to do.

I am crippled with tiredness.

 

Thanks for the input guys.

I will keep you posted

 

Have the doctor check your thyroid. I hope you do keep us posted. Good luck.

[carhill]

I don't resent my friends at all, I think that I am just hormonal and this is making me wish and long for another baby made worse by the constant baby talk and pregnant friends.

My H has had a Vasectomy so it isn't going to happen.

 

Here's an important area, IMO. How do you communicate this to your H, whether in words or actions, and what is his response? When someone loves you, your moods and mindsets, whether "hormonal" or not, affect them. Worthy of consideration, IMO.

 

Thanks for clarifying

[MarkTwain]

He is absolutely uninterested in anything like that.

He is very pc (that is the best way to put it:)) he is really into being natural and hates anything like dressing up.

It is really hard to explain, our sex life is far from unsatisfactory and there is no issue of technique.

He just doesn't have any interest in kinky clothes or underwear or role play etc.

God I don't mean to make him sound boring.

 

I think this might be part of the problem. Some PC and post feminist men feel guilty about doing anything non PC, even if the woman begs for it. The trouble is that even the feminists long for a bit of cave-man every now and then. If you could explain this principle to him - that you need him to express a bit of his dark side (and yes it's there however deeply repressed), he might get the picture.