A life of confussion

[Georgin]

Hello all, this is the first time I had ever done anything like this; and for some reason I thought that maybe I can get some thoughts from other women rather than my closest friends or family.

I am 25, my now husband for 8 months (let's call him paul) and I dated for about 5 and a half years before we got married. Before marriage, we had so much problems together, because we are so different in personalities; we seemed to have very similar goals in life but even when it comes to sex we are different. After we dated for like a year, he broke up with me saying that we argued too much and that we didn't get along. I was after him for months trying to be nice and putting myself out there for him whenever he wanted me. Once I started to move on, and stopped calling; he then started to fix things with me. I would work two jobs, go to school, and still have time to do laundry, clean and be with him all the time.

However, he has done beautiful things for me through out our relationship, things that made me fall for him in the first place. He still is a guy that you can be with and do not have to worry about money, or him being lazy, or not help around the house. He does all those things.

A year after that, we broke up again, i went back home and stayed there for like 3 months, met someone and was feeling love and appreciated. I did not write or call, so then he started to look for me again, saying the typical I LOVE YOU FOREVER AND BLABLA.

We got back together, for another year or so, the last time we broke up it was because everything was going way down. He started to be abusive, and some how I took it, until the point where I was being abusive towards him too. When I realized this, I broke up with him and travel with friends, met new people, and have fun, always in a good way. This one time we broke up for six months, the longest time we had ever got apart.

My best friend and I went to NY, and had so much fun together, she was meeting some friends over there, and I was happy by myself. A couple months later, I went to visit her in Miami for Halloween. This one time I met this guy, (let's call him alex) 13 years older than me; crazy personality but lots of fun. He insisted in going out with me, saying he had this feeling for me that came out of no where, but of course I was not going to fall for that. At that time he was separated from his wife; which he has three children with. I think she is 41, which makes her 16 years older than me. We hanged out together the entire weekend, and would not give up, I was mad that he was so annoying, but I took it cause it was my friends "now married" good friend.

I came back home and was finally almost over him, my now husband; and I was happy, single, had friends, etc. A month after this, he called me saying there was something very important he needed to talk to me. I agreed to meet him, not too happy about it but I did. That night he propose to me saying that he knew it was the only way I could even consider getting back together with him. Since before I was always after him, begging him for love, taking his abusive behavior, preparing surprises for him, etc. We moved in together, and the closest the wedding got the more we had difficulties. After we got married he physically hurt me a few more times, stating that he did it without thinking and he felt so bad for it. Sex is not the best, we have sex mostly when he wants, if I am the one who needs it; he is very cold, and let me do all the work. When he's in the mood, all he does is take care of his business, no play ground, no touching, just a little and once is up, that's it.

Before i tried to do things for him, if we were laying in the sofa I will tough him, or kiss him passionately, and he would tell me, "can you please stop touching my pe* you know i don't like it, there are specific moments for that kind of things" Now, I think, we are in our home alone in the sofa?? how much more specific doe it get??

 

Without planing it, i called my friend and told her about how bad i was feeling with paul and decided to go see her for a week, to clear my mind. I got there on a saturday, and was supose to stay until the following sunday. I was having a blast, relax, did not have my blood presure up for the entire time i was there, like i usually have when i am here. My girlfriend said to me on wednesday: do you remember alex?? he is coming from south america for the weekend, what a coincidence?? hopefuly he won't be as annoying as he was before. I couldn't believe, i thought. this is my luck, seriously!!

My girlfriend goes to work on thursday and so does her husband. Her husband calls me and tells me if i would like him to drop me off at the beach so i will not spend the day alone, he said his friends were there. I said yes of course.

we got there, and for my surprise alex was there. however, he was very nice, did not hit on me like crazy, and we were actually having conversations back and for. That night we went out and he came again, we were having a great time, this time we connected better. that night we kissed and it was great, i had never kissed someone like that before. He knows i am married, and i know he is married. Both of us are obviously not happy in our relationships. The next day we slept together, and the sex was amazing, and repetitive. I told him what my husband does to me, and he couldn't believe it. Since then, we talked on the phone, text back and for every day. Yesterday alex said something to me that has me so confuse but at the same time it made me feel happy. he said: I do not know what this is, I know is crazy, but i thought i had lived, and felt lots of things before, but believe me nothing like what you are making me feel. I wanna see you, cry with you, laught with you, just love you. problem is we both stil married, leaving in different countries, not able to see each other that much. So, i do not knowif i should take this so serious.

I do not want to sound egocentric, but I am a pretty women that everytime i go out i get complements from people, i consider myself smart and hard worker, independent, and close to my fmaily and friends and always want to help people around me. My friends always tell me I have a great heart.

At this p[oint I don't know if I do anymore, I know what I'm doing is wrong, and I am scared of what paul could do if he finds out. Right now I can't divorce him, I had being trough so much with paul for so long, i need to at leats wait until i get my papers from him since i am not a american citizen. It sounds so wrong, but i do not know what to do right now. I can't go to south america to stay there my parents will be so desapointed, and i can't get divorce.I guess i am writing today to let this out of my chest; and hear something different besides my own voice in my head.

[2sure]

You cant divorce him until you get your citizen papers.

He is abusive.

If he find out you are cheating on him, he will no doubt become violent and divorce you . You will end up abused and without citizenship.

 

Maybe the solution, for you, would be to not cheat on him, and divorce him after you get your papers??

 

Both you and your H sound dysfunctional to be honest - but thats not a crime. Why take a bad situation and do every thing you possibly can to make it worse??

[lkjh]

What a joke. You are using the guy for papers and you cheat on him. You paint this big picture about break ups when in reality every relationship goes through break ups. You do not marry and use someone for your own personal gain. By the way, Alex is probably happy he just wants some action on the side

[Anis]

This isn't what you want to hear, but go back to your country, divorce your abusive husband, and get a Visa to come back to the US for work if you really want to be here.

 

Even getting a permanent residency based on marriage takes a couple years. You're heading down a miserable path by staying in this situation, and sleeping with other men isn't going to fix it.

 

Your parents love you no matter what and would rather see you safe with them than harmed and unhappy thousands of miles away where they can't help you.

 

You're 25 - it's time to make a very grown-up decision. Do you want the chance to be happy?

[Georgin]

I know cheating is a terrible thing to do, I can't express how bad i felt after that. So I appriciate the mean comments back from some of you, at the end that what i was looking to hear. I guess writing about something like this and expecting people to understand what you had been through is difficult. However, we all agreed in one thing, i have to get divorce. The papers is an easy way out, i just gradute from a really good university, and i know i can get a work visa and start from cero. That is probably the best way to do things right now. Thanks

[SoulStorm]

I know cheating is a terrible thing to do

 

You bet it is. You said you felt terrible afterwards, but you romanticized the thing like some Jaqueline Steele romance novel.

Not cool at all. Your remorse would be more believable if you had not made this out to be some episode from Gossip Girl.

 

Whatever..yes divorce..the relationship was abusive from both you and he.

[MichelleS1983]

LOL .. good luck with your South American boyfriend. Alot of those men don't know what loyalty to a woman IS. I know a SLEW of them who now live up north and EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM cheat like crazy and laugh while they do it. They constantly have to be reminded that 13 year old girls are NOT to be touched because these pigs don't think with their big heads. I guess they think they're above the rules and laws of the country they illegally now reside in. So, I'm not surprised to hear that your latin boyfriend was more than ready to jump in the sack with you. And don't flatter yourself just because his wife is 16 years older than you and you're such a 'hottie' - he jumped in bed with you because he'd probably screw anything that would let him.

 

And how charming - your horribly abusive husband has the power to have your ass deported. I hope he finds out. But hey, I'm funny like that.