I have pushed aside like an old toy

[oannamarie]

My husband and I have been married for 11 years. We were married young. When I met him I was 14 and hanging out with men in their 20's. My husband is three years older than me. At the time we started dating he said that if I wanted to stay with him that I needed to stop haning out with these other guys (I was stricktly just friends with these males). I agreed because I wanted to be with him. I didnt have any girl friends so I basically gave up all my friends.

 

When we got married I would clean the house after coming home from work. He complained and said that I wasnt spending time with him and to stop. So after that I only cleaned the house on the weekends and spent all my other time with him.

 

He has been coming home from work and putting his stuff down and walking next door to the neighbors (they are best friends) and spending all evening with him. I complained to this to my husband and he told me last night that he wishes I would let him do what ever he wants and when he is done he will spend time with me.

 

This has been an ongoing thing for several years. I feel pushed aside. He only spends time with me when he has nothing else to do or when he wants sex.

 

He said that I needed to do other things in the evening besides expect him to spend time with me which condradicts everything I had changed in the first place for him. He told me if I cant accept the fact that he wants to have his own life then I should leave.

 

I feel so upset and sad. Should I expect he doesnt want to be with me. Why is he now going back on the things he made me change to spend time with him.

[2sure]

During the course of a life, the course of a marriage - People and circumstance change. We expect them to change. No change would mean a person is not growing, No change makes a person boring and bored.

 

Now, hanging out with the neighbors every day is not something I would call change, thats boring. He is bored, probably bored with himself. After 11 years , probably also bored with the marriage and you. Thats not terrible, not unfixable...its common.

 

For yourself, if not for him - find something else to do a few evenings a week. It will make you less frustrated, and also more interesting. If he isnt at the neighbors doing drugs etc...maybe he will find himself staying home the couple of evenings a week you are out.

[oannamarie]

Great. So now I am boring. I understand relationships change and go through changes. I dont understand why it was okay for me to have to spend time with him and now he doesnt care what I do. I also dont see where I am boring. Our sex life is fine. I do things he wants to do like see drag racing or monster trucks or things like that.

[Jersey Shortie]

When you first got together, was he considerate of what you needed? It sounds like you've changed alot of things to accomodate his needs but where you happy in all this? Did he make the same effort you did? If you don't stand up for yourself, he won't. You need to make clear what you need and that you aren't happy and that you want to fix your relationship. You are going to have to make some tough choices. Perhaps you should get invovled with something you really enjoy that is seperate from cleaning house and your husband. If he sees you are motivated to go out and do new things it might rekindle a spark.

[oannamarie]

WHen I first got together with my husband I wasnt happy that he wanted me to stop hanging out with my guy friends but I understood where he was coming from so I did. I also understood that I should not clean the house as much and spend more time with him so I did that as well. I wasnt upset about it. Now that I have time to do my own things there isnt anything for me to do. I dont have any friends to go see. I am not really into making new friends either. I havent had any for the past 17 years (how long we have been together) that I dont know where to start.

 

I did make a male friend at work about 5 years ago. I told my husband about him and tried to make arrangements to go out with this other guy and his wife but my H told me that he didnt want me to be friends and he didnt trust me (he has no reason to not trust me).

 

It is like this relationship is one sided. I cant talk to him about it because when I do he always says if you dont like it then leave. He says he is at the point where he doesnt care what I want any more. I am not sure why. I havent done anything wrong. I dont think he is cheating because he is home afterwork kust next door.

[GorillaTheater]

It is like this relationship is one sided. I cant talk to him about it because when I do he always says if you dont like it then leave. He says he is at the point where he doesnt care what I want any more.

 

I think all the previous posters have brought up very valid points (2sure didn't say you WERE boring, only that your H might perceive you that way, which could well be true).

 

But I think you may be at the point where you need to call his bluff and separate. He'll either be shocked out of his lousy behavior and agree to marriage counseling (MC) and changing his behavior, or he'll go on not caring. Either way, you'll have your answer and a clear path before you. Do you have kids?

[Jersey Shortie]

I wasnt upset about it. Now that I have time to do my own things there isnt anything for me to do. I dont have any friends to go see. I am not really into making new friends either. I havent had any for the past 17 years (how long we have been together) that I dont know where to start.

 

Then don't go see friends. Get invovled with something you like. Exercise, bike, walk, go to a muesum, take a class of interest at the community college...anything. You can't wait for other people to do things with you. Just beause you don't have friends now doesn't mean you can't find something you enjoy to do, possibly by youself. Sometimes you end up meeting people that have similar interests.

 

 

 

It is like this relationship is one sided. I cant talk to him about it because when I do he always says if you dont like it then leave. He says he is at the point where he doesnt care what I want any more. I am not sure why. I havent done anything wrong. I dont think he is cheating because he is home afterwork kust next door.

 

Well I am sure that's upsetting to hear from the man you gave alot up for. It comes back to you having to make tough chocies that might change your life up. I am sorry but he sounds controling and mean.