She doesn’t regret it as much as I need

[rya794]

Two weeks ago I found out that my fiancé of 1 month (girl friend of 5 years) has cheated on me. I found out when one night she told me that she wanted to take a break from each other for a while. I immediately asked if there was another guy and I eventually got her to admit to that. Then after she swore she only kissed him, after 20 more minutes of interrogation, I got her to admit that she slept with him three times. She also said that she was involved emotionally with him. Since this confession she has sworn that she has cut all ties with him (I believe her since both my fiancé and the other man have just graduated from college and he has moved back home, which is about a 6 hour trip, and she has moved back to her home town in which I live.) and she claims that she wants to work through this.

 

During the first week I truly believed that she wanted to work it out. And although I was devastated and pissed, I tried to be as understanding as possible so that I could keep her talking and hopefully regain some semblance of a relationship. During this period I started to notice that I was the one doing all the talking. She would answer my questions but would not offer much on her own. She would also tell me that she still loves me but she would not be nearly as affectionate as I feel like she should be right now. In my haze, I think I can remember her apologizing for the whole situation a couple of times, but each time the apology was followed with a “but”. Usually the “but” is that we were already having problems. Later on in the week I started to notice that she no longer wants to talk at all and immediately looks and sounds distressed whenever I am around or talk to her.

 

I admit that we were having problems. But I felt that the problems stemmed from the fact that I had graduated about 4 months earlier moved about 2 hours away so that I could work. I was working 80 weeks because I thought saving some money would help us later on in the relationship. I didn’t have much time for her during this period but I really thought what I was doing would be good for the relationship in the long run.

 

Since the initial period of ME trying to save the relationship I have started to avoid her because I am getting so angry about her lack of effort. She still doesn’t seem to be trying. She will usually call me once at night but that is usually just to say she is going to bed. I have also stopped telling her “I love you”, since then she never offers it either.

 

Should I just accept that this relationship is over? Is she acting in a way that is at least semi-reasonable for a person that wants to save a relationship? Will I ever be able to know that I wasn’t just her second choice because this other guy left?

 

Is my avoiding her a good choice? Half of me thinks I will just be annoying her and showing her how weak I am if I am constantly calling and hanging around her place, the other half is scared that she will use this as an opportunity to end the relationship once and for all.

 

thanks

[Untouchable_Fire]

Should I just accept that this relationship is over? Is she acting in a way that is at least semi-reasonable for a person that wants to save a relationship? Will I ever be able to know that I wasn’t just her second choice because this other guy left?

Is my avoiding her a good choice? Half of me thinks I will just be annoying her and showing her how weak I am if I am constantly calling and hanging around her place, the other half is scared that she will use this as an opportunity to end the relationship once and for all.

thanks

 

Yes, it's over. If she was in love with you she would never have cheated.

 

You would have to be a sorry sad sack to want to marry someone who doesn't care much for you. You are her second choice. That should be Perfectly clear by now.

 

Take the bull by the horns and YOU end the relationship. Otherwise she will do it, whether it's tomorrow or in 10 years. The longer it goes the bigger loser your going to be when it happens.

 

And seriously... if you find the balls to end it... don't let her talk you out of it. I know women like this... and she say whatever it takes to keep you as a backup schmuck while she searches for a soulmate.

 

Got it?

[In Like Flynn]

has she explained the complete 180 in just minutes from wanting to take a break to wanting to recover???

[Dexter Morgan]

Should I just accept that this relationship is over?

 

No, you should do everything to MAKE SURE that this relationship IS over.

 

Let her be some other poor sap's problem.

 

 

Is she acting in a way that is at least semi-reasonable for a person that wants to save a relationship?

 

No, she is acting like someone who is bummed because if she is committed to you, she can't screw other guys...at least not without having to resort to cheating.

 

 

Will I ever be able to know that I wasn’t just her second choice because this other guy left?

 

by the way she is acting, I'd say she is bummed because of the loss of this other guy.

 

So don't be the backburner guy and DO NOT marry some tart that would cheat on you while engaged. It will only get worse when she is married and she feels tied down. Trust me on that one.

 

Leave her in the dust, never look back, and find someone that believes in committment.

 

 

Is my avoiding her a good choice? Half of me thinks I will just be annoying her and showing her how weak I am if I am constantly calling and hanging around her place, the other half is scared that she will use this as an opportunity to end the relationship once and for all.

 

thanks

 

Avoiding her is an excellent choice...AFTER you have told her you want nothing to do with her. But if you still want to be with her, then you have my sympathies.

[rya794]

i was afraid you were all going to react like that. it sucks to lose someone that i care so much about.

 

In Like Flynn - yes she did. she said she was worried about how she was going to tell me. she thought if she had some time she could figure it out.

[SophieA]

Man! I am soooooo sorry you're going through this.

 

Unfortunately, I too, think this is over with. You keep saying that you're the one making the effort...but SHE is the one who cheated!

 

SHE should be the one bending over backwards to earn your trust back and put you two back on track...but she's not.

 

That's your answer.

 

I really am sorry.

[Dexter Morgan]

i was afraid you were all going to react like that. it sucks to lose someone that i care so much about.

 

 

well obviously she didn't care about you. I know how it feels to lose someone you DID care about. The day I find out someone I care about betrayed me is the day I stop caring.

 

 

In Like Flynn - yes she did. she said she was worried about how she was going to tell me. she thought if she had some time she could figure it out.

 

So let me ask you this, she opens her thighs for another guy.......do you still want to marry this?

 

And trust me, I know, if she can so callously do this so early in the relationship AND during your engagement....then you are really in for it if you marry her and you are the same old same old guy she is sleeping with for years. With people like her, the 7 year itch will hit and then you'll really feel helpless when it happens. Because then it isn't so easy to get out. well....easy to get out, but you have to go through barbed wire escaping in divorce, etc.

 

 

Believe me, you want no part of this tart. Find a decent woman..one that won't let another man up in her to his balls while comitted to you.

 

Sorry to be so graphic, but thats EXACTLY how it happened and the way you need to see it to realize EXACTLY what she did behind your back.

[reservoirdog1]

I agree with the others... YOU dump HER.

 

Firstly, we teach others how to treat us. I'll bet you anything that if you marry her, or stay with her, she'll just cheat again. No consequences = no motivation for change.

 

Secondly: if you marry her, you may one day forgive her. But you will NEVER forget. Why would you want to settle for a relationship (a) with a woman whose impulse when she's dissatisfied with something in the marriage is to spread her legs for another man, or (b) that comes pre-damaged?

 

Try to imagine being with her on your honeymoon. Now picture having images of her and this other man fycking, while you're trying to enjoy the most romantic experience of your life. It'll tear your guts out.

 

There are lots of better women than her out there, buddy. She's not worth your time, your effort, or your commitment. Find a woman who is. You won't regret it.

[JustLooking123]

A broken engagement is far preferable to a divorce. Move on, and thank your deity of choice that this happened prior to the wedding. There are women out there who won't do this to you; best of luck finding one.

[samsungxoxo]

I agree dump her. If she loved you as she claims either she would not have been cheating or she would be begging for your forgiveness and doing anything for her to earn your trust back.

Apparently she doesn't care about you nor the relationship.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Yeah, get your ring back and put her to the curb.

 

If she's not making an effort to earn back your trust, she's not serious about it. Also She broke up with you just to sleep with someone else. She'll do it to you before the marriage she'll damn sure do it after.

 

Makes you wonder is this the type of women you want to be married to?

 

Didnt she know that cheating would be a deal breaker in the relaionship? Is that what she does when wanting to sleep with others, if that's the case she can remain without you.

 

So my advice is to drop kick her outta your life and keep it moving.

[Bryanp]

My friend she apparently had no problem lying to your face. In addition, she did not just screw him once but three times which she admitted. What is wrong with this picture? It is clear that she has no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

[reservoirdog1]

A broken engagement is far preferable to a divorce. Move on, and thank your deity of choice that this happened prior to the wedding.

Definitely. In a perverse, fycked-up way, she did you the biggest favour of your life -- she screwed around on you and you found out about it, all before marriage. Better than finding out the pre (and post) marital cheating after seven years and two kids, like me.

 

Run away, and don't look back.

[Sibyl Vane]

She cheats and doesn't even have the decency to comfort and reassure you? I doubt she really wants to sort things out. Next.

[SueBee3490]

Yes here's another voice telling you that you are "lucky" to have found out what kind of person she is before marrying her.

 

I wasn't so lucky and believe me it was a living hell to marry someone only to find out after the wedding that they cheated on you during your entire dating/engagement phase of your life. Believe me if you marry her, that constant questioning and mistrust of her will be in your mind every minute of every day. It is very difficult, if not impossible, to regain trust of this kind once it is broken. I constantly felt the need to check up on my H to see if he is where he said he was going, looking at his phone to see who he's called or who called him, looking through his truck for notes/phone #'s, etc. This is the living hell where you can't feel settled or secure with this person because of this betrayal.

 

Just dump her and find someone who will not cheat on you. Life will be better.

[rya794]

i knew what i should do since the first week after once my head started to clear. But it does help to hear others reassure me that i am making the right decision, especially hearing it from those of you that have been through it. It is still so damn hard to see all my plans for the future wiped clean. it makes it even worse that the person that did it was the person that i relied on more than anything. anyways thank you all for everything, this thread really meant a lot to me.

 

ryan

[missdependant]

Wow, I am so sorry that she is putting you through this.

 

Let me start by saying that my current relationship cheated on me at the beginning of our relationship. I was heartbroken by it, and last year decided to end it. After a few weeks of no contact and letting my head clear, we picked back up and started new (sorta). Things have been great since then... my boyfriend showed how truly SORRY he was. And he really was sorry. I believe him when he says it was a one-time thing, and that it was a huge mistake. I believe him when he tells me that he is sorry, and I believe him when he says he wishes it never happened. He reassured me for a long time, and continues to act positively and loving in our relationship.

 

 

Your girl, however does not seem to care at ALL about what the outcome of this relationship is. She obviously is bored, and it doesn't matter to her how you feel. She is selfish and only cares about herself. If she cared how you felt, she would say sorry and express true regret and empathy.

 

I would suggest telling her it's OVER and going no-contact for a while. She does not deserve your love, she doesn't deserve your energy. You shouldn't have to work your ass off for someone who is going to be that unappreciative. The no-contact part is definitely the hardest part, and there is a good forum here for support with breakups.

 

You need time to sort out your emotions without her making you feel worse and worse every day. You will probably just grow paranoid with how horrible she is being toward you.. and if you've gotten to the point that you can't even say "I Love You" to each other anymore... the relationship has hit a dead end.

 

Good luck to you, I know it's hard.

[MichelleS1983]

Since this confession she has sworn that she has cut all ties with him (I believe her since both my fiancé and the other man have just graduated from college and he has moved back home, which is about a 6 hour trip, and she has moved back to her home town in which I live.) and she claims that she wants to work through this.

Well, isn't that convenient that she now wants to "work it out" since Romeo has flown back home, hours and hours away, and she can't play with him anymore?

 

Secondly, she's a liar and a cheater which means she has NO character or integrity - and I'll bet the farm you didn't get the whole story. She only told enough of it because she had to - but she's all about damage control right now. She's all about saving her own sorry ass, not worrying about YOU.

 

I haven't read through this entire thread and don't know how things have progressed, but I would seriously consider dumping this wench since she seems to have no trouble at all hurting the one she supposedly loves.

 

Good luck to you.

[rya794]

So after reading all your posts stewing in my own anger I finally decided to take a trip down to her house and tell her it’s over and I don't want to talk/see her anymore (at least that’s how I justified it to myself, I’m sure it was just as much about me wanting to see and talk to her again) anyways despite missing her I went in strong minded and said exactly what I needed to and she collapsed to the ground crying saying how much she still wanted to be with me and that we could work through our problems, yada yada yada... anyways this went on for about five or six hours.

 

I left thinking maybe we could work through this. She came to my place again the next day, same thing in-depth discussion about our prior problems she explained that this other guy filled the void, all that stuff. Still she wanted to be with me. I felt like we were making good progress so the next day I suggested we go to lunch talk a little there then go to the park and carry on the discussion. At this point, even after reading all your posts, I really felt like there was a chance we could get through it.

 

At the park she mentioned that she shouldn't have to take all the blame for her cheating and my jaw hit the floor. I was like what is this b**ch smokin. So that set me back and then I told that I wanted to start going to counseling if she wanted to continue in this relationship. She outright refused. I said drive me home and I shut down completely. She sat in the car in silence for about 20 minutes before she even started the engine. Finally I was like "do I need to walk?" another 5 minute silence then she took me home. She tried to get me to agree to anything but counseling on the way home, I was stoic. When we finally got back to my place I said again "if you can’t do counseling then I’m not going to try any more". She didn't answer; I got out of the car and never looked back.

 

In the end I would say "the break up" ended up taking over 20 hours spread over three days. But for some reason I do feel like it is complete. It was awesome to see her crying because of my actions. And seeing it for hours on end was very satisfying. I also got some more info about “Romeo”, apparently the first time she screwed this guy was on March 26 which conveniently enough was 4 days before she said yes and accepted my ring (fkn slut). And the other two times were during the first month of our engagement which even though I was about 2 hours away was full of unusually good sex (I chalked it up to the engagement, guess I was wrong).

 

I guess the next thing I have to work on is avoiding all contact. At some points it feels so easy because I’m so pissed then at others I just miss her so bad. Come to think of it even though reliving the past three days made me angry I still wish she was sitting next to me like before.

 

Why is it that people that you know so well and care about so much can do something so unexpected and hurtful.

[reservoirdog1]

Why is it that people that you know so well and care about so much can do something so unexpected and hurtful.

 

Sometimes love is a one way street, man. Shytty but true. And sometimes you find that out after the other person has claimed to love and respect you. That's even worse.

 

Sounds like you did the right thing. When she said that she shouldn't have to take all the blame for her cheating, that's pretty much everything you needed to know. Blameshifting is classic cheater behaviour. While you might be at least partly (even if only 1%) responsible for the state of your relationship right before she cheated (and whether you are or not depends on what the source of her pre-cheating unhappiness with the relationship was), she was completely and solely responsible for her cheating. Nobody had a gun to her head. Every situation presents a series of choices. She, for her own selfish reasons, chose the most destructive option available. Her choice. Not yours. She could have talked with you about things before she fycked the other guy, but she didn't. Her choice. Not yours.

 

I remember, almost exactly five years ago, after XW and I had split following her revelations of serial cheating, she picked a phone fight with me one night claiming that I'd broken my vows too because at she'd been "emotionally sick", and I hadn't pushed her hard enough to stay in the marriage after her revelations, and the vows said "in sickness and in health". My response, after I'd calmed down, was that she was either actually mentally ill, or simply so desperate to avoid taking responsibility for her actions that she would say whatever came into her head.

 

Sounds like the same is true of your now-ex-financee. Make sure she stays your ex-fiancee. Your life will be better without her in it.

 

All the best, man.

[Chrome Barracuda]

...Did you get your ring back???

 

Change your numbers, change your email, block her IM,

 

You need to get this idiot woman out of your life oh and expose her for the cheating sloar she is. Because why should she get off scott free without people knowing what really went down.

[reservoirdog1]

cheating sloar

 

Cool word. Was that from Ghostbusters or something?

[Chrome Barracuda]

Cool word. Was that from Ghostbusters or something?

 

Nah it's a very bad word to associate with a woman. My brother heard it on the streets here. You can basically see where both words are a mixture of both.

 

Slut + Whore = Sloar

 

...Get it.

[rya794]

@ Chrome Barracuda

 

I took the ring back the first night she admitted to sleeping with this guy. luckily the store i bought it from, bluenile, was very understanding and let me return it even though i had the ring for like 45 days, the normal return policy is 30 days.

 

but get this, her mom gave her an old engagement ring about a year ago. and since i took my ring back from her shes been wearing it everyday. Also, i noticed that she would switch it from her left to right hand when i was around. two weeks ago i confronted her about because it pissed me off and she was like "oh its just a ring, it barely even looks like an engagement ring, and besides i wear it on my right hand." because that was the least of my worries at that point i dropped it. It came back up again during the 20 hour break up marathon and she did admit that she was using it to avoid questioning from others. it was just another little thing that irritated me throughout the whole ordeal.

[rya794]

Blameshifting is classic cheater behaviour. While you might be at least partly (even if only 1%) responsible for the state of your relationship right before she cheated (and whether you are or not depends on what the source of her pre-cheating unhappiness with the relationship was), she was completely and solely responsible for her cheating.

 

I completely agree. that was my primary frustration when i was actually trying to work things out with her. she refused to take complete responsibility for what she did. to tell you the truth i was 90% responsible for the pre-cheating problems we had. I was not available for her and I really let her down. i even realized what i was doing while i was doing it. but i figured our relationship was incredibly strong (so i thought), and i would only be away working like a maniac for a couple of months. then we could move back in together and everything would by honky dory. i do hold her partly responsible for not communicating how serious the problem was becoming for her. i would have dropped the job in a second had i known. although in her mind she continuously tried to tell me and i refused to accept her feelings. In the future i will never make the mistake of taking my partners feelings for granted. but even so, i don't deserve having to watch re-runs of romeo f**king my fiance in my head.

 

atleast i can walk away from this relationship having learned something.