voldigicam Posted May 23, 2009 Share Posted May 23, 2009 I'm not sure what counts as cheating to most people. There's such a continuum of behaviors, and I see great blowups reported here by some posters. Does it have to be sex? If so, what level? 1. Just meeting someone of the opposite sex without one's spouse, accidently. 2. Same, but on purpose in a public place. 3. Meeting at a semi-private place, such as a movie. 4. Meeting someone of the opposite sex in a private place, but without contact. 5. Meeting someone of the opposite sex and cuddling. 6. Same but kissing and really snuggling. 7. Sex. [This seems pretty clear] I suspect the aspect of notice & secrecy make a difference in this continuum. Opinions? Link to post Share on other sites
motive2002 Posted May 23, 2009 Share Posted May 23, 2009 Five through seven. People meet people of the opposite sex all the time. People may even check out the opposite sex all the time. It's when you act upon it that it becomes cheating. I.e., you pursue, in any way shape or form that other person as a means of personal validation (overtly flirting, exchanging e-mails, phone sex etc.) Believe it or not, people do have self control, and it's not all that difficult to keep from acting on your impulses, unless you're a sex addict or something. Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted May 23, 2009 Share Posted May 23, 2009 About a week and a half ago I read something really eye opening in a relationship newsletter I get in my e-mail. It was talking about fidelity and mentioning the not so obvious things we don't think about. I.E when intimate things happen to us, who do we tell first? Our friends? or our partner? The point was, it wasn't calling anyone a "cheater" for sharing with their friends, but it was pointing out how often we will share personal experiences with friends before if at all our partners, or how we will give acquaintances or strangers (online msg boards anyone?) access and insight into our thoughts before we'll hand them over to our partners. I'd never thought about it like that, I always thought well "as long as I'm rebuffing come on's by other men, not flirting with other men, and not physically or emotionally building a relationship with another man it isn't cheating" . Again, the newsletter doesn't come out and call it cheating either; but I think it's an excellent point. I've been trying my best now to put my partner first as much as possible. You don't even realise you're not putting them first; at least I didn't but it made a lot of sense. Link to post Share on other sites
Author voldigicam Posted May 23, 2009 Author Share Posted May 23, 2009 that's an astute way of looking at it. Often spouses end up armored somewhat against each other. I know mine constantly does things and arranges for things without mentioning them to me. And mysteriously, these are things I might comment on. As usual, she can do no wrong! So it's OK for her to do those things. An interesting continuum. I know a couple where she goes out openly with guys, generally under harmless circumstances. Walking or having lunch. She just likes guys as friends and doesn't get along with girls. He's OK with it. Seems healthy. Oddly, my wife doesn't mind me going out with guys, even though I'm bi, but gets antsy about me running out with girls. Weird world! Link to post Share on other sites
lonelyandfrustrated Posted May 23, 2009 Share Posted May 23, 2009 What counts as cheating can only really be defined by the person who feels cheated on. Link to post Share on other sites
jj33 Posted May 23, 2009 Share Posted May 23, 2009 If you only include 5-7 then you are cutting out a lot of EAs from your definition - people who go to lunch or drinks or dinner alone together and purposely withhold the information from their spouses. Link to post Share on other sites
theycallmeprincess Posted May 23, 2009 Share Posted May 23, 2009 Cheating is anything you wouldn't do with your spouse present and feel the need to hide or lie about. I fully agree with this. Behaviour deemed to be inappropriate when your spouse is present, is twice as wrong when they are not. Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted May 24, 2009 Share Posted May 24, 2009 Cheating is anything you wouldn't do with your spouse present and feel the need to hide or lie about. On the money here. Link to post Share on other sites
Author voldigicam Posted May 24, 2009 Author Share Posted May 24, 2009 So cheating doesn't have to involve something of the opposite sex? We've had troubles with her spending money and hiding it. Or not mentioning it. Buying drugs. Things like that. I don't know that she runs off to snuggle with guys, seems unlikely. And excludes me from knowing all her facebook friends. I've just noticed the squishy definitions hanging around. Like many things, it's a balance between privacy and openness. I tend to see too little couple time and too little private time in my marriage. But we're working on that. I have to look at what would bother me. I think the kissing and cuddling would bother me. Anything less than that wouldn't. Even the kissing and cuddling might be OK if it made her happy. Hey, even sex would probably be OK if she really wanted it. But I'm probably more open than most. Link to post Share on other sites
Enema Posted May 24, 2009 Share Posted May 24, 2009 5-7 I see as "cheating". Some of the others may be inappropriate based on the people/feelings involved. Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey Shortie Posted May 24, 2009 Share Posted May 24, 2009 I think cheating is do anything you wouldn't do infront of your partner. Link to post Share on other sites
Stung Posted May 25, 2009 Share Posted May 25, 2009 I'm not sure what counts as cheating to most people. There's such a continuum of behaviors, and I see great blowups reported here by some posters. Does it have to be sex? If so, what level? 1. Just meeting someone of the opposite sex without one's spouse, accidently. 2. Same, but on purpose in a public place. 3. Meeting at a semi-private place, such as a movie. 4. Meeting someone of the opposite sex in a private place, but without contact. 5. Meeting someone of the opposite sex and cuddling. 6. Same but kissing and really snuggling. 7. Sex. [This seems pretty clear] I suspect the aspect of notice & secrecy make a difference in this continuum. Opinions? as you've said, secrecy makes a world of difference. personally, i wouldn't have any problem with 1-4, unless my partner were keeping it secret...although, if it were one woman he was meeting with regularly and i was never invited to be along, i'd probably start to feel uncomfortable about it. 5-7 would be a problem for me, because my partner and i are in a monogamous relationship. as well, he and i both have jealous streaks with regards to one another and are agreed that touchy-feely stuff is inappropriate with others, as it crosses an emotional line, if not a sexual one. if we were in an open relationship, however, where it was agreed that sexual contact with others was okay as long as we all knew what was going on, 5-7 would still be cheating if he went behind my back and kept the activity hidden. Link to post Share on other sites
zuluetahenry Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 ^ I agree that hiding or keeping a secret of doing something out of your partner's knowledge can be called cheating. It doesn't have to have sex all the time internet infidelity is an the best example for this. Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 Depends on the intentions. If my partner hung out with other women I wouldn't care as long as I knew about it. Anything done in secrecy implies that there is a need for secrecy. Link to post Share on other sites
confusedinkansas Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 Marriage isn't supposed to be open. Is there a rule book that says that an "open marriage" isn't a marriage? Link to post Share on other sites
Elyse- Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 It seems like there are lot's of ideas around what is cheating. My suggestion is to get clear boundaries set up with your partner. Talk about it with each other and see what is comfortable and in alignment with you both. Link to post Share on other sites
clv0116 Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 If you have to lie about it or hide it, it's cheating. If you keep it a secret knowing your SO won't approve, it's cheating. Obviously the specific acts vary with each case. Link to post Share on other sites
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