Getting Back With Your Ex: The NC Approach

[5105571]

Although I'm pretty much past the idea of getting my previous relationship going again, I am curious about the advice that's been going on around these forums, mostly regarding the "no contact" approach. It sounds like a great way to help you cope and just flat out move on with your life, but how is it supposed to create the most beneficial situation for you to start your relationship back-up? Right when the break-up happens, is one supposed to say, "okay" and walk out the door with no pleading, no reaction, and just go to straight NC?

 

If or when the ex does try to get a hold of you, when do you finally break NC? Let's say they call a few times within a two or three week period, leave no messages and then stop calling? Does the potential exist that the chance at reigniting the relationship is gone because of not being receptive to someone like that? Or should one only treat it as a serious chance if they leave the following message: "I was thinking about what happened, and I made a mistake...(etc.)" ?

 

The whole idea of this approach seems a bit arbitrary (note: I do realize that every situation is different, but there have to be some general guidelines that some of you have) as far as how one should go about the whole situation from beginning to end, and I would like to read others thoughts and ideas on how it can or should possibly work.

[CaliGuy]

The SOLE purpose of NC is to heal and move on. It's not meant as a tool to try and win your ex back (though most try it and fail miserably!)

 

The problem with NC and using it the wrong way is it usually doesn't work until you genuinely DO NOT want them back.

 

Then what's the point?

 

Use NC to move on. If the dumper decides they want to try again you'll be in a better position to tell them, to quote the Britons, PISS OFF!

[5105571]

It seems kind of strange to me that if the sole purpose of NC is to just move on and nothing else, then why is it the oft given advice to people who truly want to try again? I realize that moving on is usually the best thing to do, and keeping any hope for trying again only drags things out (as in my case), but given that the topic of this section of the forums is "second chances," shouldn't advice be given that aims closer at that end than anything else?

[Stark]

Primarily it's about shutting the person out and getting on with your life. You can never fully mend if you really care about someone and are still in contact with them, but not in some sort of relationship with them, it's impossible because your thoughts will constantly wander to wanting to be with this person so long as you are around/in contact with them and you give yourself false hopes and those feelings will never truly go away.

 

When you go NC you will still grieve for a time, but given the fact that you are not in contact, false hopes and everything that goes with it gets squashed.

 

The reason that NC is given on places like this is; if your ex gets back in contact, then you are in a much better position to judge wether you want to be with them than when you are caught up in emotions, and if she doesn't get in contact, then you can begin the process of clearing your head of emotions for them.

 

Besides NC gives a strange air of confidence compared to being desperate not to lose someone, and it gives them space/time to dwell on you and second guess everything. When people are caught up in emotions, instead of re-assuring them when you act desperate, for some people, it repels them and puts the final nail in the coffin.

 

NC should be used not as a means fully of getting an ex back, it's just it does have the best effect because of the above things.

 

Either way, NC is win/win. Get over your ex and clear your head or clear your head and your ex gets back in contact and you are in a better decision to decide.

[5105571]

Okay, so we've pretty much covered why it's best for you and how it can work to get your relationship back, but we haven't really discussed when it would be best to break NC. I'm sure it's a case-by-case basis, but using the example I gave previously--

 

If or when the ex does try to get a hold of you, when do you finally break NC? Let's say they call a few times within a two or three week period, leave no messages and then stop calling? Does the potential exist that the chance at reigniting the relationship is gone because of not being receptive to someone like that? Or should one only treat it as a serious chance if they leave the following message: "I was thinking about what happened, and I made a mistake...(etc.)" ?

 

If they try to get into contact to attempt to work things out and you completely shut them out, doesn't the possibility exist that they thought you moved on and then they officially decide to do the same? Or is the whole point of NC to get control of your emotions and THEN contact them back, no matter what they have to say?

[Stark]

If or when the ex does try to get a hold of you, when do you finally break NC? Let's say they call a few times within a two or three week period, leave no messages and then stop calling? Does the potential exist that the chance at reigniting the relationship is gone because of not being receptive to someone like that? Or should one only treat it as a serious chance if they leave the following message: "I was thinking about what happened, and I made a mistake...(etc.)" ?

 

It's up to the person. The idea behind NC is to have NC. If the person contacts you within a week or two, it's totally up to you wether you want to pursue or not, based on the individual circumstances.

 

Like I said we're not doing NC for them to get in contact. We're doing it so we can think clear and get rid of the bad emotions and needyness surrounding them.

 

If they get in contact, then you will be level headed enough to make a decision to answer back based on what you believe. If you personally believe nothing will come of it only more drama, then you just ignore them.

 

You should really only break contact if you want to, and if you genuinly believe you can make something of it, and wether the answer to that, it depends upon the circumstances, and what was said. If they are showing signs of wanting to make amens, then yes if you feel that trying a second go is worth it why not. like meeting up to talk and sort things over.

 

If however its something like just asking how you are, you may decide to keep NC as that could be just friendly.

 

 

If they try to get into contact to attempt to work things out and you completely shut them out, doesn't the possibility exist that they thought you moved on and then they officially decide to do the same? Or is the whole point of NC to get control of your emotions and THEN contact them back, no matter what they have to say?

 

Like I said NC is not indirectly to make them have contact or say a specific thing, it just works out that way because you are NC with them.

 

You're not supposed to hold out until they give a specific sign, like " I'm in the wrong lets talk things over" (though that would be ideal), you're supposed to ONLY break NC if you PERSONALLY yourself believe that any good can come of it.

 

If it's just something like " hey how are you doing " it's up to the person wether they want to break NC.

 

I'm finding it hard to explain perfectly here.

 

Basically, NC is used to heal yourself. Depending on everybodies unique circumstances is wether you decide to break NC. There is no " sign " you should wait out for. If you believe the person just wants to be friendly, then for example keep the NC if you want more than friendship. If you believe the person wants to make amends and give it a second chance, then you can take the risk of breaking NC and pursuing it.

 

It's really down to the person and circumstances on wether they believe breaking NC is worth it.

[contax]

If you want your ex back the best way to do it is to let go, and work on yourself.

 

If you choose to work it out, that's a personal decison.

 

Harassing them like crazy pushes them away. NC makes them eat their heart out thinking what your up to.

[CaliGuy]

Okay, so we've pretty much covered why it's best for you and how it can work to get your relationship back, but we haven't really discussed when it would be best to break NC. I'm sure it's a case-by-case basis, but using the example I gave previously--

 

YOU do no break contact. You wait for the DUMPER to break contact. No ifs, ands or butts about that rule.

 

When and IF they ever do.

 

If or when the ex does try to get a hold of you, when do you finally break NC? Let's say they call a few times within a two or three week period, leave no messages and then stop calling? Does the potential exist that the chance at reigniting the relationship is gone because of not being receptive to someone like that? Or should one only treat it as a serious chance if they leave the following message: "I was thinking about what happened, and I made a mistake...(etc.)" ?

 

If they break contact you need to decide "Are they doing this to gain self validation or are they genuinely sorry?"

 

My advice in this position? Unless they are saying "I love you, I screwed up really bad and I want you back..." I think it's best not to break NC at all. And even then YOU can decide if you want to go that route or try with someone new who won't take you for granted and leave when the going gets rough.

 

If they try to get into contact to attempt to work things out and you completely shut them out, doesn't the possibility exist that they thought you moved on and then they officially decide to do the same? Or is the whole point of NC to get control of your emotions and THEN contact them back, no matter what they have to say?

 

All I will say is this: Screw me once, shame on you. Screw me twice, shame on me. You need to take advantage of NC to rebuild your confidence and self-esteem and be at a better a place.

 

A place in your life where if a second chance does come, you have the strength and confidence to tell them NO.

[5105571]

Alright, here's how I understand it--you've been broken up with and because there is no magic words or spell that can change the other person's mind (almost always) you need to start moving on to put yourself in a better mental state for yourself and potentially for the next relationship. It just so happens that getting back with the ex may be that next relationship if that's what they want and that's what you decide to try later on.

 

If you take them back when you are hurt, then you're not thinking clearly and it may not be the best decision. All other considerations for why NC should be established--i.e. it makes them wonder how you're doing--are incidental and are of secondary concern at best. NC should only be broken when you feel emotionally prepared enough to accept whatever comes down the pipe, (I want you back, I want to be your friend, I just called to say I hate you, I left my hat at your place; give it back, etc.)

 

I have a motto--don't make any big decisions when you're upset, and taking someone back is a big decision, so let your emotions settle before you decide that's what you want to do.

 

Is my understanding correct?

[CaliGuy]

Alright, here's how I understand it--you've been broken up with and because there is no magic words or spell that can change the other person's mind (almost always) you need to start moving on to put yourself in a better mental state for yourself and potentially for the next relationship. It just so happens that getting back with the ex may be that next relationship if that's what they want and that's what you decide to try later on.

 

If you take them back when you are hurt, then you're not thinking clearly and it may not be the best decision. All other considerations for why NC should be established--i.e. it makes them wonder how you're doing--are incidental and are of secondary concern at best. NC should only be broken when you feel emotionally prepared enough to accept whatever comes down the pipe, (I want you back, I want to be your friend, I just called to say I hate you, I left my hat at your place; give it back, etc.)

 

I have a motto--don't make any big decisions when you're upset, and taking someone back is a big decision, so let your emotions settle before you decide that's what you want to do.

 

Is my understanding correct?

 

I would say that what you have stated is a mature and rational approach. Definitely.

[selena_cat]

Primarily it's about shutting the person out and getting on with your life. You can never fully mend if you really care about someone and are still in contact with them, but not in some sort of relationship with them, it's impossible because your thoughts will constantly wander to wanting to be with this person so long as you are around/in contact with them and you give yourself false hopes and those feelings will never truly go away.

 

When you go NC you will still grieve for a time, but given the fact that you are not in contact, false hopes and everything that goes with it gets squashed.

 

The reason that NC is given on places like this is; if your ex gets back in contact, then you are in a much better position to judge wether you want to be with them than when you are caught up in emotions, and if she doesn't get in contact, then you can begin the process of clearing your head of emotions for them.

 

Besides NC gives a strange air of confidence compared to being desperate not to lose someone, and it gives them space/time to dwell on you and second guess everything. When people are caught up in emotions, instead of re-assuring them when you act desperate, for some people, it repels them and puts the final nail in the coffin.

 

NC should be used not as a means fully of getting an ex back, it's just it does have the best effect because of the above things.

 

Either way, NC is win/win. Get over your ex and clear your head or clear your head and your ex gets back in contact and you are in a better decision to decide.

 

 

Stark i applaud thee,You couldntve had said it better,relly,and kudo's also to Caliguy's comment too, hey,didnt the Brits also say Bugger off?

[Nuala83]

Although I'm pretty much past the idea of getting my previous relationship going again, I am curious about the advice that's been going on around these forums, mostly regarding the "no contact" approach. It sounds like a great way to help you cope and just flat out move on with your life, but how is it supposed to create the most beneficial situation for you to start your relationship back-up? Right when the break-up happens, is one supposed to say, "okay" and walk out the door with no pleading, no reaction, and just go to straight NC?

 

If or when the ex does try to get a hold of you, when do you finally break NC? Let's say they call a few times within a two or three week period, leave no messages and then stop calling? Does the potential exist that the chance at reigniting the relationship is gone because of not being receptive to someone like that? Or should one only treat it as a serious chance if they leave the following message: "I was thinking about what happened, and I made a mistake...(etc.)" ?

 

The whole idea of this approach seems a bit arbitrary (note: I do realize that every situation is different, but there have to be some general guidelines that some of you have) as far as how one should go about the whole situation from beginning to end, and I would like to read others thoughts and ideas on how it can or should possibly work.

 

 

Someone should write some guidelines because you're absolutely right, each situation is different and there are instances where reconciliation is possible. Unfortunately I'm not in any position to offer such advice...any one else wanna give it a shot???

[Soul Bear]

Someone should write some guidelines because you're absolutely right, each situation is different and there are instances where reconciliation is possible. Unfortunately I'm not in any position to offer such advice...any one else wanna give it a shot???

 

 

Nuala, this is exactly what I have been trying to say. Sometime reconciliation is possible. You wont know unless you try. Wehn you find out its not going to happen that way then NC is a definate advantage to growing and moving on with things. No one knows what the future holds.

[samspade]

Someone should write some guidelines because you're absolutely right, each situation is different and there are instances where reconciliation is possible. Unfortunately I'm not in any position to offer such advice...any one else wanna give it a shot???

 

Here's the catch: A lot of people who post looking for advice after being dumped think that THEIR situation is unique. The variables they cite often include, "she just told me she loved me last week," "I know his new girl is just a rebound," "we were soul mates," "she dumped me but is still in contact," etc., etc.

 

What they don't take into consideration is this simple precept: If someone wants to be with you, that person will not break up with you.

 

I'll agree that a reconciliation (I assume you mean second chance here) is always possible. However, your BEST shot at any ghost of a chance for this is to accept your ex's decision, cut contact, and move forward with healing and meeting new people.

 

It still stands to reason that chasing, groveling, texting, calling, and the like will push your ex farther away. Furthermore, it will be counterproductive to you if he/she wants to be "just friends" and you remain in contact with her under this false pretense.

 

(If you truly can handle being "just friends," then go ahead.)

 

Your goal should be to take care of yourself. Perhaps the ex will come back, but you need to improve your own mentality so you can make the right decision if it ever happens.

[5105571]

You guys are all awesome with the advice that goes on around here. Unfortunately, I think that some of the people seeking advice are using NC as a "tactic" to get their ex back, and I was having trouble with the fact that it was being viewed that way and I wanted to understand it more, so I started this thread. It seems to me that there should be a notice written here on these forums or someone should make this thread a sticky or something so that the random person who stumbles upon this site (like me) understands the basis for all the advice offered around here.

[gavroche]

I think that in most cases a Dumper will make contact out of curiosity and guilt and perhaps to get closure themselves. My own opinion is that a Dumper can feel two things (Nothing or Remorse).

 

If they feel remorse and get in contact due to the Dumpees NC, there is a very small chance that they may be testing the water for a reconciliation. If this happens communication is the key, adult and mature communication.

[playlislay]

If I were to try and reconile with an ex/boyfriend after a break up and he made it clear that he didnt want to get back with me, AND went complete NC, then yes, I would assume that he is moving on.

 

I think that is the impression that most of us would get.

[CaliGuy]

I think that in most cases a Dumper will make contact out of curiosity and guilt and perhaps to get closure themselves. My own opinion is that a Dumper can feel two things (Nothing or Remorse).

 

If they feel remorse and get in contact due to the Dumpees NC, there is a very small chance that they may be testing the water for a reconciliation. If this happens communication is the key, adult and mature communication.

 

99.9% of the time a dumper only contacts the dumpee when they need their self-worth validated.

 

As I've said a million times, if they REALLY wanted you, neither hell nor high water would stop them from finding you, telling you and PROVING to you they want you.

 

Words mean nothing.

ACTIONS mean everything.

[WiseOne1]

99.9% of the time a dumper only contacts the dumpee when they need their self-worth validated.

 

As I've said a million times, if they REALLY wanted you, neither hell nor high water would stop them from finding you, telling you and PROVING to you they want you.

 

Words mean nothing.

ACTIONS mean everything.

 

CaliGuy is 100% right, after the last 4 years of being here, hes never been wrong once, and I just started to see why he feels "NC" as something so important.

 

If someone wants you nothing can stop them from finding you, nothing. Moving on is the best option, theres no reason to give it a second thought.

 

Because its 3 of of 250,000 chance, that the ex even then is calling for self worth - Validation.

[Leveller]

If you look on other threads, such as 'afraid to love me' you will see my life story. At various points I/we have maintained no contact but what happens when my ex gets back in touch with me?

 

Two notable things have happened.

 

Firstly, after threatening to delete my number and insisting on no contact back in Feb/March and bits of April, we maintained contact periodically although she is seeing someone else. Three weeks ago I get a text along the lines of 'can me and the dog come with you when you go for a run tomorrow? I'm not stalking you'. I refused polititely by text, wanting to maintain no contact. She then sends me a weird couple of texts taking umbrage saying 'I just don't understand you'. I ring and state that I want to step back and not interfere in her relationship and that she asked me at the end of March to only contact about once a week. She then says 'Do you want to come to my house and talk'. I go up, explain why I think this is right etc. she says we can text every day, when we hug goodbye we end up kissing and then end up making love. We have sex three days later as well. I again drop contact and go out and do my own thing. That weekend she again gets back in touch with a weird text about her friends birthday and bringing up a present. I go to her friends house, she gets jealous about me seeing someone else and interrogates me about this, and we again have sex that night, the following night and over the weekend. This was two weeks ago. We last spoke five days ago and back into the NC. Her new man and her often also don't contact each other for a week and perhaps don't see each other for a fortnight, yet she seems happy with him (most of the time). Any explanation?

[Nuala83]

99.9% of the time a dumper only contacts the dumpee when they need their self-worth validated.

 

As I've said a million times, if they REALLY wanted you, neither hell nor high water would stop them from finding you, telling you and PROVING to you they want you.

 

Words mean nothing.

ACTIONS mean everything.

 

I don't think things are ever so black and white. People are far more complex than that. Sometimes when the person who initiated the break up doesn't come back into contact it's not due to them not wanting you, it's due to fear or guilt. Not in my case obviously but breaks ups are different and people are different.

 

Years ago I let a very good friend dissapear from my life (after a huge argument) and I was so stubborn that I didn't contact her for weeks...then months..then it was a year and now it's been 5 years and a part of me still regrets it. Last I heard she'd moved away. Losing a friendship isn't the same as a relationship breakup and I agree there's many instances when you should cut someone from your life. But there are also occassions when it's not wise to do so. Not forever anyways. Some relationships can be fixed....just not mine.

[James1984]

The SOLE purpose of NC is to heal and move on. It's not meant as a tool to try and win your ex back (though most try it and fail miserably!)

 

Yep, 100% true

 

The reason most guys are dumped are:

 

1. They smothered the girl

2. They showed more interest in the relationship than the girl

3. The pressured the girl by displaying that they'd be devestated if they left

 

No Contact can appear as a very false way of showing you're not bothered anymore.

 

What you should be doing is displaying that:

 

1. You're not going to smother her

2. ALWAYS showing the same amount of interest as they do in the relationship

3. Take the pressure away by displaying that you can get on fine without her

 

None of these 3 can be done without CONTACT!

[Nuala83]

99.9% of the time a dumper only contacts the dumpee when they need their self-worth validated.

 

These are pretty drastic statistics are they not?

[James1984]

These are pretty drastic statistics are they not?

 

Yeah that' completely ridiculous

 

As I said, most of the time it's when they realise what they've thrown away, usually does coincide with feeling down about themselves though.

[Ingenue]

99.9% of the time a dumper only contacts the dumpee when they need their self-worth validated.

 

Absolutely right. The last time my ex contacted me was when he was feeling depressed and down about his current relationship (the very woman he cheated on me with before dumping me via email). He needed somebody to stroke his ego. I didn't bite. No man, who is unwilling to accept responsibility for his actions and feel genuine remorse is worth my time. I wasn't put on the planet to coddle some inadequate fool's ego.

 

The other time the dumper will contact the dumpee is to go on a fishing expedition and see whether any hope remains for a reconciliation.

 

Both reasons reek of insincerity.