Met a guy online. Heads all over the place.

[Itsnotme]

Okay this is my story. I met this guy online. It was not a dating site and neither of us were looking for any relationship/partner at the time. However we got chatting and exchanged email addresses and both said we wanted to keep in touch. So, we started emailing, then texting, then chatting on the phone. We talked and talked and talked. Sometimes going to bed at 5am.

 

We are both in the UK. I am South, he is North and there are 360 miles between us. Never have I felt such a connection with anyone. I have had an online LDR in the past and several relationships in person. I have been single since last August and him since November. We both came out of long marriages. He is friends with his ex wife and all is amicable. I am 43 and he is 44.

 

We talked about anything and everything and over the course of a few weeks, grew closer and closer. I like to think that I am a rational person but I was captivated by him and all that we shared.

 

So, it was arranged that we should meet and a date was set for him to come South and meet me. He drives and I don't. Two days before he was due to get here, he sends a text saying that his head was all over the place, he was afraid of falling for me and getting hurt in the future. I replied with a cheery 'okay, thats fine, thanks for letting me know, take care of yourself.' All was quiet for many days and then he phoned me and apologised saying that he'd been an idiot, he'd bottled out, missed me terribly and wanted to get things back on track. We chatted for a long time that night and I told him that although he'd let me down, I understood that he was confused and needed time. We stayed in touch via text for a few days and then we arranged to meet again. He should have been coming down to me yesterday. But, a week ago. He went quite. No contact at all. I knew he wasn't coming and sent a text saying 'I am deleting your number. I wish you every happiness.' I deleted his numbers from both my home phone and mobile phone and blocked him on facebook. There was no way I could have contacted at all.

 

Although hurt and disappointed, I kept busy and was doing okay. Last night he rang me. Said he was so very sorry, he'd needed time to get his head sorted and discover what he really wanted. He said that he just couldn't get me out of his head, had huge feelings for me and was now stuck with 'what if.' He said that he knows he has to meet me to get his head straight. I agree with that. Then he said, 'I know you're not working next week as it's half term at the school. Just get on a plane or train and I'll pay for everything.' He cannot come to me as he just cannot get the time of at the moment. He is working on an urgent contract job and is working seven days a week. He explained that we would have every evening together and that during the day I would have the house to myself and be able to go sightseeing etc and could stay as long as I wanted. He said if we click in person then all well and good and if we don't we'll always be friends and will have a good time together anyway. I don't doubt this as we do have such a good time together on the phone. We have so much in common and really really click.

 

So now I'm torn. Do I go or not? I'd like to as I'm stuck with the 'what if' too. I like this guy, he got under my skin and has left his mark there. From the outset he told me he was indecisive and he was right. He made it clear on the phone last night that deep down he would like nothing more then for this to become a relationship. We'd spoken about the distance many times but that has not become as issue as I am moving North and somewhat closer to him in August/September of this year. That was already arranged before I even met him.

 

I spoke to a friend on the phone this morning and she said that I'd be nuts to go. What if he doesn't meet you when you get there? What if you fall for him and he doesn't contact you when you get back? etc etc. She said it all.

 

I know he is genuine, I know his circumstances, he is kind and funny and generally lovely but he is indecisive and confused and will be until he meets me.

 

My head is all over the place and as I know you guys are great with genuine advice, I look forward to your replys and thank you in advance for any you can give.

[Els]

Although I personally would not waste the time and energy, I suppose it wouldn't hurt to go if you really want, if only so that you both can get confirmation/answers. No online relationship should go on longer than absolutely necessary.

 

HOWEVER. I know you think he's genuine, but honestly, from an outsider's perspective, he does not sound genuine. I would strongly urge you to at least arrange accommodation of your own for the first few nights, for your safety. If he really is all that and more, you can always stay with him after that. Also, make sure your first meeting is somewhere public. Never, never meet someone for the first time in their house, or stay the first night in their house!

 

Because, to be very very honest, it sounds to me like he's trying to con you into going to his place and staying there.

 

I hope I'm wrong. Still, taking precautions never hurt anyone.

[Island Girl]

I would NOT go.

 

I would tell him very plainly that he bailed on me twice.

 

As far as I am concerned he has a whole lot to prove.

 

That line of "even if we don't hit it off then we will still have a great friendship" applies to the first time you planned to meet (when he flipped) and the second time (when he flipped).

 

He dropped off the face of the Earth one week before he was supposed to come. He went NC on you without explanation or warning at all.

 

In my book that is treating someone like dirt.

 

If he thinks you'll have a great friendship - he isn't much of a friend.

 

My friends would never do that to me.

 

And then he has the nerve to phone after a week and say the SAME THING he said the first time!!

 

Look, a friend of mine dated this guy and he was always late for plans they made together. And I don't mean 15 minutes -- I mean HOURS!

She told me "It's just him. He's like that with everybody."

I told her, "So it is excusable because he always does that to everybody? NO. HE gets to work on time because that is apparently important. He seems to have some Primadonna complex and thinks whatever he is doing is more important than that other person, their time, and plans with them. He doesn't get a pass on common courtesy just because it is 'something he does'. That is a load of CRAP!"

 

Thankfully she put her foot down and stuck to it. They were broken up for a while - then he came back full of promises - and she made him prove he would be treating her as she should be treated.

They are married now. He is cured of his "tardiness".

 

I'd say the same thing to you.

 

He is indecisive and flaky? Well, he better learn that he can't be when it comes to you.

 

He has shown you can not trust his promises. You can not trust his word.

 

And if you go there then the two of you just may hit it off -- it might be wonderful -- until you get back and become an insecure bundle of nerves that is always thinking "is he going to just stop calling?!!", etc. ALL THE TIME.

 

IF he is serious this time then he needs to show it.

 

He has a lot of butt kissing to do and unless he proved he could be a man, stand behind what he says, and become reliable then I wouldn't be going anywhere.

 

I don't care how long it would take and I don't care if he doesn't like it.

You didn't like it much the first time he canceled out on you and I'm sure you didn't like the last week of hearing nothing while he had his stupid freak out sessions.

 

He can be decisive. He showed up and married someone.

He also decided on divorce and went through with that.

 

Do not be someone he gets to treat like crap because it is "just the way he is". That is SO RIDICULOUS.

 

He will treat you the way you allow him to.

 

And if it were me, there wouldn't be any lovey dovey conversation until he showed that the relationship means something to him.

 

If he feels it is this incredible connection too then he won't be able to find it anywhere else.

If that is important to him then he will do what he needs to do to have you happy and "with" him again.

 

You better put your foot down and show him how he needs to treat you to be able to have you or you can expect a lot of the same kind of behavior, the slow deterioration of your relationship, and the suffering of your self esteem because you question "Why would he do this to me? Does he not love me? Or doesn't love me enough?", etc.

 

You don't even sound angry.

 

When he called I would have been Hellcat With Claws Out. There is no way a man treats me like that.

Any guy better know he is LUCKY to get a shot at dating me. And if he blows it or can't see it then I am not about to take the time to explain it to him.

[Midas]

I can't offer any real advice, but I can certainly empathize with your "head all over the place" feelings. I've got my own emotional thrill ride going on with a LDR too. Follow your heart, but not too strongly that you trip over your senses.

[KikiW]

I echo everything IG said. Once bitten, twice shy.

[Itsnotme]

Thank you for yor replies. Just an update, it's all over. We had a lovely long telephone conversation for about 4 hours last night. We got talking about peoples weight and he said to me 'you're overweight aren't you?' I told him that I'd already been open and honest about that and told him ages ago. Then the bombshell. He said that truthfully it bothered him, he wasn't into big women, that when I stepped of the coach he wouldn't fancy me and couldn't pretend so in short there was no point in me going at all.

 

I was hurt. He's seen photos. I'm not blowing my own trumpet here but I am very attractive, get alot of male attention, and just can't see where he's coming from. I'm not that big either and do carry my extra weight well. I'm always told how good I look so how can he say all that? How would he know if he'd fancy me without actually seeing me properly.

 

So, he said all that. I was silent for a minute and then he said he was going to hang up as he was getting upset. He was upset!!! I was fighting back the tears. So I said "Is that it then? Done and dusted" and he said "yes, I'm sorry" and hung up.

 

A part of me is thinking about all the hours and hours of talking and sharing things, the laughter, everything, but a bigger part is thinking what an absolute A**ehole. What a dreadful way to treat someone when he know what I looked like ages ago anyway. Yes, it hurts a bit but boy, am I glad I didn't make that journey.

 

Thanks for your support.

[KikiW]

That really is very crappy of him. I can understand someone finding certain body types more attractive than others. I, for instance, do NOT find bodybuilders at all attractive, while the next girl might think they are the hottest thing ever.

 

But you were honest with him, exchanged pictures, had good conversations. If he is so hung up on a few extra pounds (which I think as long as you try and get some exercise and eat relatively healthy, is perfectly acceptable!), then he is missing out on what could be the best thing ever.

 

As for HIM getting upset, EFF him. He's the one being a dipsh*t. I am glad it's over, for your sake. You will find someone else who is not so shallow as to be bothered with some meat on your bones, and you can wish this former beau all the stick figured skeleton girls he can fark without breaking their weak little bird bones.

[hoping2heal]

Thank you for yor replies. Just an update, it's all over. We had a lovely long telephone conversation for about 4 hours last night. We got talking about peoples weight and he said to me 'you're overweight aren't you?' I told him that I'd already been open and honest about that and told him ages ago. Then the bombshell. He said that truthfully it bothered him, he wasn't into big women, that when I stepped of the coach he wouldn't fancy me and couldn't pretend so in short there was no point in me going at all.

 

I was hurt. He's seen photos. I'm not blowing my own trumpet here but I am very attractive, get alot of male attention, and just can't see where he's coming from. I'm not that big either and do carry my extra weight well. I'm always told how good I look so how can he say all that? How would he know if he'd fancy me without actually seeing me properly.

 

So, he said all that. I was silent for a minute and then he said he was going to hang up as he was getting upset. He was upset!!! I was fighting back the tears. So I said "Is that it then? Done and dusted" and he said "yes, I'm sorry" and hung up.

 

A part of me is thinking about all the hours and hours of talking and sharing things, the laughter, everything, but a bigger part is thinking what an absolute A**ehole. What a dreadful way to treat someone when he know what I looked like ages ago anyway. Yes, it hurts a bit but boy, am I glad I didn't make that journey.

 

Thanks for your support.

 

This guy has been sh*tting all over you from the get go. Sometimes, not always, but once in awhile there's something behind it, there's a good heart and misguided people with right intentions and wrong methods of execution. That said, I think that's what you were hoping for when he crapped all over you the first few times, but in this case I think it was just a sign he's an insincere *********. If you were honest about it, I don't see why he couldn't of just said it bothered him a long time ago. Saved you both the trouble. Wether you are actually overweight or not, it is possible to lose weight (not that you'd want to for this a-hole) but when it comes down to it, people can watch their weight in their long term relationships and they can lose it (I'm in the process ) but hey, dickwad is forever.

 

Well, put it this way, without having to meet him you JUST found out exactly what you'd be missing . Which is well, not much.

[Midas]

I'm sorry, Itsnotme. That guy's a jerk! You're better off without him.

[Els]

Thank you for yor replies. Just an update, it's all over. We had a lovely long telephone conversation for about 4 hours last night. We got talking about peoples weight and he said to me 'you're overweight aren't you?' I told him that I'd already been open and honest about that and told him ages ago. Then the bombshell. He said that truthfully it bothered him, he wasn't into big women, that when I stepped of the coach he wouldn't fancy me and couldn't pretend so in short there was no point in me going at all.

 

I was hurt. He's seen photos. I'm not blowing my own trumpet here but I am very attractive, get alot of male attention, and just can't see where he's coming from. I'm not that big either and do carry my extra weight well. I'm always told how good I look so how can he say all that? How would he know if he'd fancy me without actually seeing me properly.

 

So, he said all that. I was silent for a minute and then he said he was going to hang up as he was getting upset. He was upset!!! I was fighting back the tears. So I said "Is that it then? Done and dusted" and he said "yes, I'm sorry" and hung up.

 

A part of me is thinking about all the hours and hours of talking and sharing things, the laughter, everything, but a bigger part is thinking what an absolute A**ehole. What a dreadful way to treat someone when he know what I looked like ages ago anyway. Yes, it hurts a bit but boy, am I glad I didn't make that journey.

 

Thanks for your support.

 

Yes!!! Definitely!!! Plus he'd actually bailed on you twice because of it, but didn't have the balls to tell you why, and actually came back after that just because he wanted someone on the back burner!!!

 

Ugh.

 

I'm sorry for you, but I'm really glad for you that you're rid of a jerk like that.

 

You'll find someone who deserves you. All the best!

[mental_traveller]

His behaviour is classic for someone who either i) is only half into you or ii) has a gf/wife already.

 

I used to act like this with women that I would be interested in for some sex & casual fun but not anything serious. The whole attention then silence thing is always a sign that the guy is not really into you.

 

IMO you would be a fool to go.

 

As for him not liking your body, everyone has their own taste. I find Kate Moss about as attractive as a skinny 15 year old boy (which IMO she looks like), other guys think she is beautiful and sexy. You're even more of a fool if you let ONE PERSON'S taste affect your own self-image.

[Itsnotme]

Well after a text from him yesterday saying 'I think I made a mistake again. Come up anyway', I have deleted his numbers, and email address and burnt his address that was written down. I feel empowered now. I replied to his text by saying 'Of course you made a mistake, you just threw away the best thing that could have happened to you. Do not contact me again.'

 

Although I would have liked to have met him in person as we had such a connection, I know now that the connection was built upon his shallowness and his cowardice. It's sad but onwards and upwards eh? His loss.

 

Boy do I feel good.

[KikiW]

Wow he had BRASS ones to contact you again and whine about making a mistake and then requesting you come to see him again. What a JERK!

 

 

PS GOOD FOR YOU! WONDERFUL RESPONSE!

[Lucky_One]

Well after a text from him yesterday saying 'I think I made a mistake again. Come up anyway', I have deleted his numbers, and email address and burnt his address that was written down. I feel empowered now. I replied to his text by saying 'Of course you made a mistake, you just threw away the best thing that could have happened to you. Do not contact me again.'

 

Although I would have liked to have met him in person as we had such a connection, I know now that the connection was built upon his shallowness and his cowardice. It's sad but onwards and upwards eh? His loss.

 

Boy do I feel good.

 

OMG He contacted you AGAIN? Is he a special sort of stupid, or WHAT? He must think that you are seriously desperate. Good on you for deleting anything that ever reminds you of him!!

 

Man, I wish he would text ME instead. I've got a few words for him.

[Rollercoasterr]

He probably figured that you would have called him back and chased him because YOU are the one with the problem in his eyes. But little does he know, the whole world knows that he's got the problem and that he's scum.

 

Don't contact him again. Keep that empowered feeling. There's going to be a guy out there than thinks that you are drop dead gorgeous and would climb mountains just to sit and stare at you all night long. This guy would never let you go and he'll love every single curve that you've got.

 

I'm a bit curvy and I'm usually pretty self-conscious about it since I've tried for years and years and years to keep it under control, but it's been to no avail since it's genetics. I can work out until I drop dead and eat all the right foods, but I've still got thick legs and butt. Albeit, they are full of muscle, but they're still pretty big. The first time I met my fiance he couldn't keep his eyes off of me. Then when we got back to the hotel room(for um...checkers? ), he literally gasped and I kept hearing him talk about how beautiful I was under his breath. Every time he sees me the same thing happens. He always tells me that he can't believe how gorgeous I am and he loves every single curve on my body. I could easily say that he's just saying that, but it's the look in his eyes when he says it that lets me know he REALLY means it.

 

There's a guy just like that out there for you. You don't need to settle for some douchebag who is probably worried about a curvy girl because he's hung like a grasshopper and needs something stick thin for him to feel like a man.

[Itsnotme]

Thanks. You guys on here are amazing. Just what I needed.

[2sure]

Sorry, nope, I dont buy it for a second.

He saw pictures of you, you were honest about yourself, he continued to pursue.

 

There is something more to it and he is saying Its YOU because he has a damn good reason himself to be anxious about you meeting HIM. He is a liar obviously, and whats more...he feels better making you feel inferior than honestly admitting to his own fault. Whatever it is. And you can bet its a biggie.

[Itsnotme]

Sorry, nope, I dont buy it for a second.

He saw pictures of you, you were honest about yourself, he continued to pursue.

 

There is something more to it and he is saying Its YOU because he has a damn good reason himself to be anxious about you meeting HIM. He is a liar obviously, and whats more...he feels better making you feel inferior than honestly admitting to his own fault. Whatever it is. And you can bet its a biggie.

 

Yes, I think you are right. Either way I'm okay and glad I just never travelled up there to meet the idiot. Besides I have a lunch date for Thursday now. He's hot and we've met in person. I'll let you all know how it goes.

[Rollercoasterr]

Whoo!

 

I think it's funny how whenever you feel the worst about yourself and something terrible like this happens, cute men seem to fall out of the sky and they all wanna take you out. This always happens to my friends, and a few of the guys have turned out to be keepers.

 

Let us know how it goes!

[KikiW]

Nice! Keep us informed!

[Itsnotme]

Well just got back from my lunch date. I had a wonderful time. We went to a lovely resort which was a long and lovely drive and went along the beach. We then went to a lovely 17th century pub for dinner and a few drinks. When we got back to mine I asked if he wanted to come in for a cup of tea and he did. He stayed about 45 minutes and then left. He gave me a kiss at the door. Just an ordinary kiss and left. We were together about six hours and I really enjoyed myself.

 

The thing is, when he left I had no indication that we were going to see eachother again. He didn't mention it and neither did I. I would love to see him again though.

 

I'm thinking of sending a text saying 'had a great day today, thanks. Would love to see you again.'

 

What do you think??

[Chinook]

Nah, let him come to you.

 

As for the other guy... good result there. Guy plainly was a dick (which is highly embarrassing as a fellow northerner) but not surprising.

[2sure]

No, I would not text him telling him you would enjoy seeing him again.

If you are one of those people who absolutely MUST make contact :

If he paid or even if he just drove - send him a very brief: Thanks.

[Bearandsue]

I think you should wait for him to contact you. I am pretty sure he will.

 

This is the way to get over a jerk...lol:bunny: