youngatheart Posted May 24, 2009 Share Posted May 24, 2009 Hi everyone!! SO sorry, in advance, for this being SO long... I have been dating a man off & on for the past 3 yrs. We met on-line after I had been divorced for 1 1/2 yrs., and just ended a REALLY bad rebound relationship. He has never been married @ 38. I am 39 & was married for almost 9 yrs. - no kids. I was in a pretty "sad" place in my life (mentally, emotionally, financially - my ex-"rebound" bf put me into bankruptcy)when I met this guy. I was just looking to meet/make new friends. It eventually grew from there, but I could see his hesitancy because he was REALLY hurt by 2 ex-girlfriends (dumped by both for other men they eventually married). I kept my "issues" from him & dealt with them the best way I could (1st HUGE mistake). Almost 3 1/2 yrs. later - we are STILL SO attracted to each other, we are SO compatible, we have SO much in common, we SO enjoy being with each other, we have the same goals, we are affectionate with each other, the sex is STILL really good, we rarely fight or argue, our dates are fun (whether we go out or stay in)... He has met my parents, I have met his, he has met my friends, I have met his... He tells me he cares about me alot & really enjoys being with me. I care alot about him also. Sounds almost perfect, right? Lol Weeeeeeell, our past insecurities & distrusting has led to him breaking it off more times than I can count, but he has always come back & we have talked through things - for the most part. (Many of my emotional & mental "issues" I was able to resolve with a therapist. My financial problems, I am proud to say, I have also worked out on my own). But, he still takes "breaks" when something makes him feel uncomfortable. We had an "uncomfortable" moment" about 2 months ago. He asked (for the first time) for "space" because of that moment (but also found out his friends wanted him to "meet" a girl they knew - grass is greener syndrome, I imagine...). I didn't argue & said with a smile "You can have all the space you need." We had no contact for 2 weeks, then out-of-the-blue he text me with some chit chat. He wanted to give me some stuff that he couldn't use anymore (& I could) & eventually asked me to come over that night to get it. He actually started the conversation about us that night... He asked why our relationship is so cyclical. He then asked what he could have done to have made things better. I mentioned the communication could have been better - on both of our parts. He kept bringing up "What if we were to live together", "What if we lived together", "What if you move in with me" & how would it affect us. He stated he wanted to "start fresh." We discussed my concerns about this, I thought about it, then I agreed we could... But, after almost a month of "starting fresh", I feel as if we are right back in our old rut - only seeing each other 1 time a week, only talking 2 or 3 times a week... If I don't contact him 1st during the week or weekend, I have a feeling I won't hear from him or get to see him... (About 1 1/2 yrs. ago he made a comment about being tired of having to initiate the contact. So I started initiating a little more, but should I be??) He left out of state for work a week ago. He had me over for the night before he left. Everything was really good, but I have not heard from him since he left a week ago, & am leaving it up to him to contact me. Is he "testing" me to see if I contact him?? Should I be initiating the contact?? I keep telling myself he is just really busy there because 2 of his bosses went also, but am I just kidding myself?? Am I just a FWB?? I just don't know what to think, do, say, whatever, anymore... I let him do most of the chasing, but as of now, there isn't much of it. I NEVER bring up the subject of where the relationship is going. What do men usually mean when they want to "start fresh?" I know you don't know the whole story, but does it sound like he keeps coming back because he is just settling?? Is he waiting till something better comes along?? Should I continue to be patient & give it/him more time because that's what he still needs for "starting fresh"?? (On a side note... I have a male friend who I have confided in quite a bit throughout this for his "testosterone" perspective. Lol My friend truly believes this guy really does care & wants to be with me as more than just a FWB & that's why he continues to come back. My friend seems to believe the guy I am seeing probably even loves me... WHAT DOES HE WANT?? HELP! HELP! HELP! HELP! HELP! HELP! PLEASE HELP!) Link to post Share on other sites
contax Posted May 24, 2009 Share Posted May 24, 2009 You rebounded from your marriage, after that rebounded with him. He is scared of women leaving him for other men - and your talking to some other guy right now + you have financial issues. I would say you stay single and build yourself up first. Or cut off this other guy your talking to and focus on the guy you want. Link to post Share on other sites
Author youngatheart Posted May 24, 2009 Author Share Posted May 24, 2009 I rebounded after my divorce with the boyfriend who put me into bankruptcy (thus, he is an ex... lol). Then met the current guy I have been seeing for over 3 yrs. (met the current guy a year after the ex who put me through the bankruptcy thing...). I am only seeing/talking to this current guy - no one else... Make sense? Plus, the financial situation is taken care of... Sorry if there was confusion... Link to post Share on other sites
contax Posted May 24, 2009 Share Posted May 24, 2009 Starting fresh could mean just that. A new relationship with you - learning from past mistakes etc. I just got worried that this other guy you confide in could turn into something else. Link to post Share on other sites
robinincarolina Posted May 25, 2009 Share Posted May 25, 2009 You can turn this around. You just have to have a plan. The plan is not simple and it takes more patience than you could imagine. Do not contact him. It would take me a long time and a lot of words to explain this to you. I have been in your shoes, and I turned it around. I will try to be simple with this. WALK. Thats right walk away, cut all contact and see if he follows. If he really cares he will and then you will have your answer. Don't expect him to follow you in a day or two, it could take weeks and weeks. I did it, I held my ground and even when he did contact me, I would not budge. I was alway nice like you and I am not one to wear my heart on my sleeve. It took a little less than 30 days but he was on my doorstep. Settle for nothing less. You sound like a great lady. You are worth it. I had coaching to get me through it, books, friends, but I held my ground because I was thinking long term gratification, not short term. Hope this helps. Link to post Share on other sites
robinincarolina Posted May 25, 2009 Share Posted May 25, 2009 I too went through financial devastation and kept it from him Now he know it all and accepts me anyway. Opening up to someone is hard, but you have to do it. You have to learn when and how to show your vunerable side. Did not mean to ramble, but I see so much of what I have been through in your story. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted May 25, 2009 Share Posted May 25, 2009 What do men usually mean when they want to "start fresh?" "Start fresh" = "go back to the minimum (if any) commitment and keep the options open" I think he does love you, and you are a comfort zone for him, rather than the prize waiting at the finish line. He keeps coming back because he enjoys the comfort, but it doesn't sound like he is going to take it to the finish line so to speak. He will likely have a few more 'breaks' in his future as well. I suspect it will go on like this for as long as you can tolerate it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author youngatheart Posted May 25, 2009 Author Share Posted May 25, 2009 Thanks you guys/gals for your replies. You rock!! Each of your responses make sense & I will take it to heart... I know it's cliche to say "I feel comfort knowing there are other people that have gone through what I did/am...", but you truly do feel a sort of comfort. It IS up to me, huh? I fear (& it sounds like) he may never know what he wants. Only time will tell. Scary thing is that I can be patient for a long, long time. But, I wonder if & when he will tire of me... just sucks. lol Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts