married 4 years... is the grass really greener?

[Grimley]

My wife and I are in our 4th year of marriage. No children. This is the first marriage for each of us. She is 7 years older than I am. I know it's a common complaint, but our sex life is pathetic, in my opinion. Frequency and quality have gone down the tubes (several years ago). I periodically bring this issue up with her in a non-accusatory manner and at times she is receptive to the discussion, but we haven't made any significant changes. She recently saw her gynecologist and I had asked her to mention it to him. She brought it up as she was leaving and it did not elicit any meaningful discussion with him.

 

Neither of us has had any significant change in weight or health since getting married. That said, I find myself less attracted to my wife, but I think has a lot to do with the fact that she works from home and tends to wear the same clothes most of the time (they get laundered!). I miss the act of undressing her as a prelude to sex. I sometimes ask her to put on some lingerie if we are going to make love. Sometimes (infrequently) she does. Sex has become very rote and sometimes I have difficulty getting an erection. I was initially anxious about this, and then realized that the problem is limited to our interactions (that is, I can get easily aroused by porn, etc.). Still concerns me, but a relief to realize that it’s not impotence across the board. She often becomes very giggly in bed (not otherwise a problem, but it's just too frequent these days) and very ticklish.

I think that I’ve pretty much become conditioned to not be aroused around her anymore. It used to be very different. She acknowledges having a lower sex drive these days (well, the past few years) for whatever reason. There’s definitely no infidelity going on. A related issue that bothers me a lot is that she is very affectionate with our dog and I’ve explained on numerous occasions that I want affection too (not referring to sex here, just physical affection and contact). She is in such a routine every day, work, walks the dog, goes to bed early (wakes up very early due to sleep difficulties). Often I think that I can’t see myself stuck in this rut for years to come.

 

I’ve raised the issue in the past of consulting a marital therapist and we have yet to do that. Right now, it would be financially tight, but then again I can see us putting this off indefinitely. I want to give a strong effort in trying to make things better. That said, I neither want nor intend to be complaining about these same issues 5 years from now.

 

Sort of rambling here, but I wanted to get some of this into words. Thanks for reading and any feedback you may have.

[giotto]

don't quite understand why you married her (4 years ago) when you say that "frequency and quality have gone down the tubes (several years ago)"... this is asking for trouble. It's only going to get worse. We don't know your respective ages either (are you young, middle-age, oldish...?), so it's a bit difficult to put the whole thing into perspective. You definitely should talk to her seriously and go to counselling together. Having said that, how do you think your wife can put the spark back into your marriage?

[anne1707]

Are you affectionate with your wife? Do you tell her you love her? Do you try to make her feel special and not just as a means to an end? Can you kiss and cuddle her with no other purpose in mind than that? Do you only show her these feelings when you want to have sex? Do you make time for each other?

 

I am not trying to attack but to get a clearer understanding of the problems in your relationship. If you could provide some answers to the above, it might help us in the advice we can offer.

[LucreziaBorgia]

It is all about brain chemistry. Some women in long term relationships simply stop wanting or desiring sex. They are perfectly happy with affection and love, but can take or leave sex.

 

Honestly, unless you feel like dealing with this for the rest of your life I say get out while you can do so relatively easily.

[Grimley]

We are 37 and 44. We enjoy each other's sense of humor very much. That is great, but not enough for me. With regard to affection, yes, I frequently show her affection independent of any desire for sex. We tell each other that we love one another. She isn't much for cuddling, unfortunately. I hope I'm not making her out to sound cold, because she is not, although her desire for affection and/or sex are clearly lower than mine at this stage of the game.

Lucrezia - I hear you... that thought has been in my mind a lot

[lonelyandfrustrated]

Stop watching porn and maybe you will find your wife more arousing.

 

Perhaps she has noticed that you are easily aroused by porn, and not so easily aroused by HER, so she has turned off because there is no way she can compete with the porn. So she just quit.

[Grimley]

Stop watching porn and maybe you will find your wife more arousing.

 

Perhaps she has noticed that you are easily aroused by porn, and not so easily aroused by HER, so she has turned off because there is no way she can compete with the porn. So she just quit.

 

I think you've got the cause and effect backwards. Since my wife is usually asleep early or not in the mood for sex, I wind up taking matters into my own hands. She never felt like she was competing with porn. I don't compare her to women in porn nor expect anything like porn.

[Jennifer26]

Grimley -

 

You complain about the frequency of sex, then go on to say you can't always get an errection with your wife.

 

I think lonelyandfrustrated made an excellent point. You're talking about leaving your wife because she doesn't get dressed up daily? Because your sex life is in a bit of a rut? I think you spend too much time in fantasy land and perhaps this is why your wife is becoming less attractive to you.

 

I hope you will be happy a single bachelor for life, because you'll find no matter how great a relationship may be initially (the honeymoon phase) eventually you're going to get into a rut at some point.

 

Perhaps your wife does sense you find her less attractive. Women can be very perceptive and can pick up on things you might be surprised about. You leave the room at night to go masterbate, you can't get an erection with her and there are the small things too. The way you look at her for one. Most women can tell when a man is looking them with desire.

 

And when women sense something is wrong in a relationship -even if we don't always know what it is- we often shut down sexually.

[Grimley]

Grimley -

 

You complain about the frequency of sex, then go on to say you can't always get an errection with your wife.

 

I think lonelyandfrustrated made an excellent point. You're talking about leaving your wife because she doesn't get dressed up daily? Because your sex life is in a bit of a rut? I think you spend too much time in fantasy land and perhaps this is why your wife is becoming less attractive to you.

 

I hope you will be happy a single bachelor for life, because you'll find no matter how great a relationship may be initially (the honeymoon phase) eventually you're going to get into a rut at some point.

 

Perhaps your wife does sense you find her less attractive. Women can be very perceptive and can pick up on things you might be surprised about. You leave the room at night to go masterbate, you can't get an erection with her and there are the small things too. The way you look at her for one. Most women can tell when a man is looking them with desire.

 

And when women sense something is wrong in a relationship -even if we don't always know what it is- we often shut down sexually.

 

That was a bit harsh and judgmental, don't you think? And distorted, too. I didn't say that I am "thinking about leaving my wife because she doesn't dress up daily." Perhaps I should have made it clearer in my initial posting that my wife is not often interested in having sex. Anyhow, thanks for your input.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

I think you've got the cause and effect backwards. Since my wife is usually asleep early or not in the mood for sex, I wind up taking matters into my own hands. She never felt like she was competing with porn. I don't compare her to women in porn nor expect anything like porn.

 

Let's say I do have cause and effect backwards.

 

You DO want to try to have a better marriage, right?

 

So how about you lay off the porn, one month porn-free for every year of marriage, and see if things are different then? What's it going to hurt?

[westernxer]

Do you guys ever go out on the town, or is it always work, come home, watch television, hope for sex?

[mental_traveller]

It is all about brain chemistry. Some women in long term relationships simply stop wanting or desiring sex. They are perfectly happy with affection and love, but can take or leave sex.

 

Honestly, unless you feel like dealing with this for the rest of your life I say get out while you can do so relatively easily.

 

Agree 100%.

 

The only thing I would add is never get married again. You simply never know when the woman (or guy, if you're a woman) is going to go off sex. If she does, you need to be able to leave without getting financially ruined in divorce court.

 

IMO only get married if you have lived together 7 years+ and are still having sex at least several times a week.

 

As a last resort you could try telling her you will divorce within 3 months unless she acts more slutty and you get laid at least once a day. I doubt this will work but you could give it a shot.

[Jennifer26]

That was a bit harsh and judgmental, don't you think? And distorted, too. I didn't say that I am "thinking about leaving my wife because she doesn't dress up daily." Perhaps I should have made it clearer in my initial posting that my wife is not often interested in having sex. Anyhow, thanks for your input.

 

Perhaps I came off rather harsh. All I can base my thoughts on is what you post. You said that the "thought has been on my mind a lot" in response to LB saying you should get out now.

 

My point is that no marriage or relationship is without issues. You say your wife is physically the same yet you don't find her attractive, and have trouble being aroused by her?

 

I guess I don't understand it. Honestly, I think you're downplaying what role you might have in all of this hence my harsh tone in the first post. I think often we're too quick to blame our spouses when issues arise in marriage, I know I've been guilty in doing this.

[searcher]

Before you walk out the door sit your wife down and tell her very very clearly and make sure she understands

 

1. What kind if relationship you want with her - what you want in terms of sex, having her dress up occasionally, fun.

 

2. What you want her to change and what you are prepared to change to have this kind of relationship.

 

3. Tell her if the relationship doesn't improve you don't see that you can continue to live like you have.

 

At least give her a chance to work on things with you before you walk away or have an affair.

[sally4sara]

Not trying to attack, but....

 

If the sex was becoming less "hot and urgent"

And I was being asked to wear porn-ish cloths more often by my partner who gets erect faster by porn than by me...

 

I wouldn't want sex either. I'd feel like my partner was not satisfied with me. This would hinder my own enjoyment eventually.

 

That would lead to him turning to porn more

Which could make me desire to be intimate even less.

 

cyclic.

 

Go see the therapist expensive or not; its more worthwhile than the lawyers getting that money automatically.

[Grimley]

Thanks for the input.

I certainly wouldn't just "up and leave" without more work at trying to resolve these issues, but it helps to have additional thoughts on this.

 

Thanks again.

[Mimolicious]

The grass is greener but the water bill is higher!!!

[Untouchable_Fire]

Perhaps I came off rather harsh. All I can base my thoughts on is what you post. You said that the "thought has been on my mind a lot" in response to LB saying you should get out now.

My point is that no marriage or relationship is without issues. You say your wife is physically the same yet you don't find her attractive, and have trouble being aroused by her?

I guess I don't understand it. Honestly, I think you're downplaying what role you might have in all of this hence my harsh tone in the first post. I think often we're too quick to blame our spouses when issues arise in marriage, I know I've been guilty in doing this.

 

As a guy who lived through this kind of marriage... I think your assessment is dead wrong.

 

Long term sexual rejection goes right down to the bottom of your psyche and just rips it up. I had some similar issues to Grimley, and now that I have some distance between then and now I can say that it was 100% the rejection.

 

Think about it... if you were married to a guy that called you fat and ugly every day, you would not get turned on my him either. That is a good chunk of the issue here.

[redfathom]

I just wanted to add that porn is a movie with actors who are paid to look like they are having a good time. I highly doubt *most* of them actually are. So don't compare sex with a real woman to sex you watch in porn...

[Grimley]

I just want to add that I think the porn aspect may have been over-emphasized here. I do not sit for hours watching porn flicks. Rather, I get on my computer to view something to arouse me, and I don't do it in front of my wife (though I am not dishonest about it). It doesn't consume me, and I certainly don't expect my wife to emulate anything that I see (despite what some of you might think). I'm not passing up my wife for porn, either. But the way I am looking at it for now is something is better than nothing. Celibacy isn't the way for me.

 

Perhaps I'm just minimizing what I'm doing to some extent, but just wanted to expound on it a bit.

 

I should also elaborate on the sex issue. It's not that I'm expecting epic sex. But my wife has no interest in morning sex, afternoon sex, etc. When it happens, it has to be evening before she falls asleep (early).

[redfathom]

People have different times they prefer sex, I don't really like it when I am dead tired after a long day at work. So early evening is great. I also get really bad heartburn, so before dinner is always better too...I know TMI!

 

Maybe your wife has prefrences like that too and you both need to discuss them. Maybe it would be better to initiate sex with her in the morning, in the shower or something like that.

 

Communication is so important when it comes to sex.

 

My H used to watch porn three or so times week while we only had sex once a week and I was upset and irritated by it. Then I would nag him and sex wasn't any fun for him anymore, but through communication we got over it.

 

I found out he threw out his porn videos so this weekend I picked up two new ones for him and one for me. I have accepted porn as what it is. As long as I am not being replaced by it, I am okay with it. Of course everything has to be in moderation.

 

Try actually have a conversation about it, not after being rejected or after telling her she needs to dress up for you. But casually when the time is relaxing for both of you.

[Grimley]

People have different times they prefer sex, I don't really like it when I am dead tired after a long day at work. So early evening is great. I also get really bad heartburn, so before dinner is always better too...I know TMI!

 

Maybe your wife has prefrences like that too and you both need to discuss them. Maybe it would be better to initiate sex with her in the morning, in the shower or something like that.

 

Communication is so important when it comes to sex.

 

My H used to watch porn three or so times week while we only had sex once a week and I was upset and irritated by it. Then I would nag him and sex wasn't any fun for him anymore, but through communication we got over it.

 

I found out he threw out his porn videos so this weekend I picked up two new ones for him and one for me. I have accepted porn as what it is. As long as I am not being replaced by it, I am okay with it. Of course everything has to be in moderation.

 

Try actually have a conversation about it, not after being rejected or after telling her she needs to dress up for you. But casually when the time is relaxing for both of you.

 

Redfathom - I appreciate your suggestions. Unfortunately, my wife does not like having sex in the morning (and gets up hours before I do every day, even on weekends..is long gone from our bed) and is not big on showering together. These are some of the reasons I feel alone.

[giotto]

I can't plan sex with my wife.. it loses the spontaneity, she says...

[SoulSearch_CO]

I agree that a therapist might be the best thing for you two. Do you have good insurance at work? Usually, if your employer is diligent at making sure their employees are well-covered with insurance, they usually have an Employee Assistance Plan. I know that is mostly a gov't employer thing, but privately owned companies are picking up on it. Talk to your HR dept and find out if they have anything like that. It's not related to insurance at all - it's more of an employee-welfare-leads-to-better-work-from-said-employee thing. But anyway - it would cover like 1-3 sessions with a counselor on their "list." After what they cover, it would be up to you to continue it, but at least you can get the steps started. Talk to HR and ask if your company has an EAP.

[reddog63]

Grimley -

 

You complain about the frequency of sex, then go on to say you can't always get an errection with your wife.

 

I think lonelyandfrustrated made an excellent point. You're talking about leaving your wife because she doesn't get dressed up daily? Because your sex life is in a bit of a rut? I think you spend too much time in fantasy land and perhaps this is why your wife is becoming less attractive to you.

 

I hope you will be happy a single bachelor for life, because you'll find no matter how great a relationship may be initially (the honeymoon phase) eventually you're going to get into a rut at some point.

 

Perhaps your wife does sense you find her less attractive. Women can be very perceptive and can pick up on things you might be surprised about. You leave the room at night to go masterbate, you can't get an erection with her and there are the small things too. The way you look at her for one. Most women can tell when a man is looking them with desire.

 

And when women sense something is wrong in a relationship -even if we don't always know what it is- we often shut down sexually.

 

Perhaps this and perhaps that..............you think this post sounds like it is just that the honeymoon phase is over???

 

He should be thinking of a happy bachelor life............when a spouse lets the sex go downhill and the other spouse shows concern but nothing is done about it..............What is a MAN to do?? or woman if the role is switched.

 

BOTTOM LINE..........for spouses who IGNORE their spouses needs.........sexually or otherwise.........they are hurting their marriages more then they know, and in time, it is likely not to survive.

 

You can split hairs that he must be doing something wrong.......you can all argue to the end of time............but what I put in bold is the result and I put almost............almost.........all blame on the spouse who knows but does not do something. Some women get this concept but many others make excuses and put more blame on the person wanting sex like he must be doing something wrong and hardly anything on the person knowingly doesnt meet their partners needs.