MarkTwain Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 Grimley- A couple of ideas... I know this sounds crazy, but if you cut out the solo ejaculations, your erections with her will be more or less guaranteed. Ejaculation lets of steam, and the burning desire evaporates. There are two possibilities re her libido. One is her age. It might improve later, but she may be on a "low" at the moment. The other is resentment. The biggest single cause of women not being enthusiastic in bed is resentment for something. It usually builds up slowly over a long period. If she has been nagging you on and off over something for a long time, that could be a clue. Link to post Share on other sites
lonelyandfrustrated Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 BOTTOM LINE..........for spouses who IGNORE their spouses needs.........sexually or otherwise.........they are hurting their marriages more then they know, and in time, it is likely not to survive. You can split hairs that he must be doing something wrong.......you can all argue to the end of time............but what I put in bold is the result and I put almost............almost.........all blame on the spouse who knows but does not do something. Some women get this concept but many others make excuses and put more blame on the person wanting sex like he must be doing something wrong and hardly anything on the person knowingly doesnt meet their partners needs. Red, she's not here to take advice. He is. Shouldn't we be offering suggestions to him to help him influence his wife to make changes? What good does vilifying her and telling him to bail do? He said he doesn't want to split--he's been thinking of it, but in the end, it's not what he wants. It's not going to kill him to quit the solo sessions, at least not in the short term. How much you wanna bet that he spends a lot of evenings not even approaching his wife for sex, but waiting until she goes to bed so he can porn it up? Don't you think she knows that? Don't you think that turns her off? On the rare occasion you two do have sex OP, how is it for her? Does she finish, do you tend her even if you can't finish? Are you a selfish lover? And good question--is she mad at you over something else? Link to post Share on other sites
reddog63 Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 Red, she's not here to take advice. He is. Shouldn't we be offering suggestions to him to help him influence his wife to make changes? What good does vilifying her and telling him to bail do? He said he doesn't want to split--he's been thinking of it, but in the end, it's not what he wants. It's not going to kill him to quit the solo sessions, at least not in the short term. How much you wanna bet that he spends a lot of evenings not even approaching his wife for sex, but waiting until she goes to bed so he can porn it up? Don't you think she knows that? Don't you think that turns her off? On the rare occasion you two do have sex OP, how is it for her? Does she finish, do you tend her even if you can't finish? Are you a selfish lover? And good question--is she mad at you over something else? I guess one last point I am trying to get across is that there is most likely no solution. Meaning.........as many posts show............that things are likely not to change no matter what he does. You read many posts where the man trys to clean more or other stuff in an attempt to get his wife more interested. And I do not get the feeling that it usually works........ Soooooo..........my best advice after trying some is to decide to live with it and give up complaining OR...........leave if it is that important to you. BUT DON'T let the years go by..........deal with it now. Link to post Share on other sites
lonelyandfrustrated Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 He needs to find her currency...I think that's where a lot of people fall short in trying to influence their spouses to meet their needs. They drive themselves nuts trying to meet ASSUMED needs of the other spouse, and end up doing all the wrong things. My husband starts cleaning, and it makes me crazy, makes me feel like I haven't cleaned well enough for him. So if he were to do that thinking it would make me want him more, he'd be wrong. It would make me resentful. Now if he came home with a new hardback from one of my favorite authors, 'just because', I'd be all over him. Sit her down and find out what she wants from her marriage, Grim. Ask her what things you do that make her feel loved, what things you do that she wishes you wouldn't, what things she wishes you would do, but you don't. Pay attention, and get busy. If she asks the same questions back, then tell her. If she doesn't, get busy anyway and then bring up your needs after a few weeks of a stellar performance meeting hers. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Grimley Posted May 28, 2009 Author Share Posted May 28, 2009 Thanks for the additional helpful input from each of you. I like your suggestion, Lonelyandfrustrated, and will follow up on that. EAP is not an option for me given the nature of the company I work for. Insurance generally does not cover marital therapy, so we will wind up paying out of pocket. Not saying it's not worth it, but it is more of a pinch at the present moment. My wife is not working steadily, which of course factors in to how she is feeling as well (though these problems existed before the economy tanked). With regard to our sexual interactions, I am not a selfish lover (as someone asked) and she has at least one orgasm nearly every time we make love. Re: resentment...that is an issue that came up in our conversations a few years ago and has been revisited since. She acknowledged in the past feeling resentful about things related to distribution of labor. I have made strides in that area which she has acknowledged. I've asked her more recently if that has been an issue in her low sex drive and she said no. Link to post Share on other sites
stace79 Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 I was wondering if you do anything to break up the rut. I read an article recently with my SO about things you should do to keep your marriage fresh and exciting. I wish I could find it again for you. It suggested getting out of town once in awhile, even if just for a Friday and/or Saturday night. You should have a "date night" once a month or more, to give your wife an "excuse" to dress up for you! (And vice versa.) Have you tried doing something like that? Or if going out to eat is unaffordable, make dinner at home with candles and a bath. There are so many easy things you can do besides just saying "I love you." Women like when their SO is creative!! Link to post Share on other sites
stace79 Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 Boy, am I glad I am not married to you! You sound like you expect every woman to bend over backward to give a man as much sex, whenever he wants it and however he wants it, no questions asked! You should stop to think that for many women, sex is not the be-all, end-all relationship need! Women have certain needs that differ from men. If a man is romancing and caring for his wife, then she should also be working to satisfy his needs also. It's a PARTNERSHIP. Perhaps this and perhaps that..............you think this post sounds like it is just that the honeymoon phase is over??? He should be thinking of a happy bachelor life............when a spouse lets the sex go downhill and the other spouse shows concern but nothing is done about it..............What is a MAN to do?? or woman if the role is switched. BOTTOM LINE..........for spouses who IGNORE their spouses needs.........sexually or otherwise.........they are hurting their marriages more then they know, and in time, it is likely not to survive. You can split hairs that he must be doing something wrong.......you can all argue to the end of time............but what I put in bold is the result and I put almost............almost.........all blame on the spouse who knows but does not do something. Some women get this concept but many others make excuses and put more blame on the person wanting sex like he must be doing something wrong and hardly anything on the person knowingly doesnt meet their partners needs. Link to post Share on other sites
reddog63 Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 Boy, am I glad I am not married to you! You sound like you expect every woman to bend over backward to give a man as much sex, whenever he wants it and however he wants it, no questions asked! You should stop to think that for many women, sex is not the be-all, end-all relationship need! Women have certain needs that differ from men. If a man is romancing and caring for his wife, then she should also be working to satisfy his needs also. It's a PARTNERSHIP. Where did I say that? Where did I say she needs to bend over backwards whenever he wants it and however he wants it.........WHERE DID YOU READ THAT??? I am coming from the point of view that each spouse should strive to meet the other spouses needs or it will likely lead to the demise of the marriage. OK SO FAR????? This this is straight foward, but then again, you may interpret it different. And in reading MANY a post where women (sometimes men) lose their sexual libido and the man (sometimes woman) is left to live out their married life without one of the most pleasurable aspects of being married......SEX. AND many a times, the response to these type posts is to see what the man is doing wrong........and sure, there may be things he is doing wrong to correct. But I also feel that these men (or women as the case may be) can try to make changes in hopes their parnter will start having more sex. From the posts I see, most of the time it does not seem to work..........if her libido is low, then that is that. So, with that realization........I just advise the OP to make his decision as if nothing with change that much. Many posters go years or longer dealing with this. Life is too short, if sex is important and you have already experienced a few years of little sex............GUESS WHAT??? It probably will not change!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
stace79 Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 Well, I also don't recall anywhere in marriage vows that say "...with the exception of if you are not getting enough sex, then these vows are null and void." Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 Well, I also don't recall anywhere in marriage vows that say "...with the exception of if you are not getting enough sex, then these vows are null and void." The vows don't specifically mention an out in the event of lack of emotional connection either, yet that seems to be a factor in divorces, too. Link to post Share on other sites
lonelyandfrustrated Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 kids...bending over backward is only ONE of the many, many options to sexual fulfillment. Link to post Share on other sites
HookedOnHim2 Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 Sex with my husband and I was never great but I loved him and saw that we would have a good life together. I told myself that sex wasnt everything in a relationship. Well, 22 years later and 2 kids, jobs, a house and a dog sex is always on my mind and it never went away. For years I masturbated on a regular basis because my husband felt that an orgasm every couple of weeks was enough for me. Can you believe that????? Then, two years ago he had prostate cancer surgery and sex as we know it is no more. Now that he can't do much, he's depressed and trying all kinds of things to make it work. He's afraid that I will find a "**** buddy". Sex was important to me but it wasnt to him. For years I blamed myself. I had it in my mind that he was "****ing" someone else thats why we didnt do it much. For a while I was beginning to think he was gay. I have a few girlfriends who lost interest in sex and they are now divorced or separated. I chose to stay with my husband and be miserable. Now I find out that he has had a long term EA with a fellow coworker of ours for the past 5 years and he swears they never had sex. You know what, I believe him. Not having sex or a good sex life when you are married is so sad. It takes a strong spouse to not go out and discreetly find a "**** buddy". I guess you can try some of the suggestions others have given you: go on a trip together, drink some alcohol, smoke some weed, both of you watch some porno, by some sexual toys and use them together. Link to post Share on other sites
MarkTwain Posted May 29, 2009 Share Posted May 29, 2009 She acknowledged in the past feeling resentful about things related to distribution of labor. I have made strides in that area which she has acknowledged. I've asked her more recently if that has been an issue in her low sex drive and she said no. You have to tread lightly here. Women won't generally give you the information you want if you simply ask. You have to take "echo soundings". I did a lot of research into resentment... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Grimley Posted May 29, 2009 Author Share Posted May 29, 2009 You have to tread lightly here. Women won't generally give you the information you want if you simply ask. You have to take "echo soundings". I did a lot of research into resentment... Point well-taken. I took what my wife told me with a grain of salt. Link to post Share on other sites
MarkTwain Posted May 29, 2009 Share Posted May 29, 2009 Did you read my article above? It contains the sum total of my six months of research. If you can't find yourself mentioned in one of the categories - it's not your fault Link to post Share on other sites
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