I must have a sign on my forehead...the regulars may be amused

[KismetGirl]

And if youre not a regular, you can read my old posts, but those are many and so just let the record show that two months ago I broke up with MM I was with for four years and had a hell of a time over it but have still not spoken to him...I've spent weeks off and on thinking about MM, wondering when I'll stop thinkng about him, stop missing him. It's a long road probably, some days better than others. I still feel emotionally raw sometimes, like Ive forgotten how to love another man if it should come about. But I really would like someone else to think about. I think a distraction would be nice, just don't have the energy to go looking for it. But alas!

 

A week ago Im standing in a coffee shop and this tall, green eyed, dark haired, very cute young guy walks up to me and starts chatting to me while in que. Did I mention he's British? We all know my fondness for that sexy accent. *sigh* So he asks me for my number and can we get a drink sometime. He looks massively young (and in fact ends up being 2 years younger than me, which is NOT my norm....generally date guys a few years older) but what the hell, he's pretty hot and seems nice so I say ok.

 

Have first date last week. Charming, funny, intelligent.....woah Im actually enjoying myself, weird! But wait, there's a tad he didnt mention right up front, but halfway through date decides he must be full honest about everything:

 

Yeah, I must have some sort of sign on my forehead that says "Every married englishman in NY, please come hit on me". I casually ask what sort of visa he got himself here on. He looks minorly nervous and confesses that he came here after meeting an American girl he had been known for three years prior, and at the time the only way for him to stay was to get married, so he made a rash decision and got married to her. He doesnt deny he thought he loved her at one time, but that they never lived together before marrying and once they did it all went downhill. Unlike prior MM, this one tells me the relationship sucks, she verbally abuses him, and its essentially dead. He cares for her as a friend but has no desire to be further romantically involed with her. According to him, they sleep in separate rooms and the relationship is dead and she has stated that they are both allowed to date elsewhere as she does not want her family or anyone else to know about their imminent divorce. I ask why not just divorce, he says becuse he can't afford it right now as problems with visa papers not letting him work, though he can physically stay here for now, and is not sure what his visa status will be if divorce happens as they havent been married all that long.

 

No kids, thank god, or I might have thought someone is playing a joke on me. He's from the same bloody city as MM!Argh! I tell him of my previous situation and that I have NO desire to be OW again , have no desire to be sneaking around, to have to wonder when i can see or call him, etc etc, that it sucked and I dont want to be in that position again.

 

He tells me on second date (yes i let him take me out for another drink to talk, as it was hard to talk with all my friends around at first date where they all joined up later in evening) he hasn't felt this kind of attraction for someone (me) in ages and he wishes he knew how he could prove to me he has no desire to make the marriage work and that it is still in place for appearances/legal reasons while he tries to sort another visa for himself. I told him , well, why don't I ask your wife if the situation is as you described it and you are allowed to date other women. He says he 'd prefer not to strain their living arrangement and relationship at present with his in=laws, but that if that is the only way I will feel comfortable seeing him then he will introduce me to her so I can ask her whatever I want. That he really likes me and feels like he will be missing out on something if he lets me just go like this because of his "awful situation." He apologiez profusely and swears he is not like that "last MM" because it was a mistake on his part, but he really wants to stay here and hasn't secured another way to do it yet. I told him there's no way in hell he can stay with me or marry me to stay here, so if he wants to date me "normally" he'll have to find another way to remain in the US.

 

I know finances and legalities are legitimate concerns....but Im not sure I want to deal with this. After seeing him several times I am still very guarded emotionally, he is far more physically affectionate than I am acting at the moemnt, but I can't help but feel a fondness at the same time and note some serious potential in the guy if everything he has said is the truth.

 

I sat there when his wife called while we were having dinner and could hear the conversation on her end. She was yelling at him and calling him quite a few insulting phrases just as he said she always does , not because she wanted to see him, but because she was reminding him that they are supposed to be keeping up appearances up for her parents and how can they do that if he is out having dinner and drinks with "friends" all the time without her. So apparently there is some legitimacy to the status of their relationship as he expressed it.

 

I've said to him I am very suspicious, and Im not moving forward with anything emotionally. I like hanging out with him, but said I refuse to be in the position again where I have to sneak or lie, where he has to make and then break plans with me because he doesn't want to start an argument at home, and he swears it will not be that way and to please just give him a chance and just keep seeing him, even if it's platonic for now, just so he can get to know me. I suppose that may be acceptable.

 

I gotta tell you, it boggles my mind how these guys all attract to me. Must be that sexy way I ordered my french vanilla latte and then spilled half of it on myself. Gets 'em every time, that charming clumsy me.

 

I'll put out an actual sign tomorrow, hang it out my window: " All married men in Ny that are originally from England, please be sure to come hit on me! Everyone else is doing it!"

 

Im deliriously tird right and took an ambien to sleep and it is kicking in and making it hard for me to type.

 

Admit new guy is a soft kisser. Bugger.

 

That's as far as its going. He's going to immigration on tuesday after the hliday to find out what are his options to stay here if he leaves her. I guess can see what he says after that eh?

[Chessy02]

Hi, hope he didn't plant someone to call him whilst you were dinning with him?! You don't want to go down that road as you already know - the OW.

[sugarmomma]

Married men hit on women all the time. The trick is to ask them immediately (before they start talking all sweet and sh*t) if they are married, that way you kick that azz to the curb right away.

 

Unfortunately, you haven't learned to do this and I know it seems flattering that a new guy approaches you but you have to protect yourself.

 

Please don't do this to yourself again. You will start to let down your guard after awhile and you know the saying "fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

 

You will meet a single guy if/when you learn to shoot the married ones down. You have to give yourself a chance. Everytime we settle for less than we deserve, we get even less than we settled for.

 

Its not just you, we all have to deal with it. I have shot a few down myself since the MM got dumped.

 

PLEASE STAY AWAY FROM HIM. IT WILL ONLY CAUSE YOU MORE PAIN!

[Island Girl]

Hey KG

 

There is a provision for the abused spouse to stay in this country even if filing for divorce.

 

They do not have to get a new visa or a different kind of visa.

 

There is tons of info on the net.

 

And yes, it is pretty funny that not only do you seem to attract MM but English ones at that !! What are the odds?!!

 

Of course you have a penchant for the English so that part is a good thing but jeeez! LOL

[MarkTwain]

KismetGirl-

I'm interested to see where this goes...

[BlueEyedGirl]

I think he might be telling the truth...

[OldEurope]

Oh, honey, run the other way, at top speed, for God's sake!

 

You've dealt with enough complicated drama in your life up until this point, you do not need another round of weak, messed up men and their messed up domestic lives. You are going to be so strung out on prescription drugs, therapists, psychiatrists, and sleepless nights, you will hit thirty used, abused and worn out. (And I am a sympathetic follower of your last story, not trying to be harsh here, but....)

 

You are in Manhattan. You are obviously very bright, very attractive. Go forth and conquer some stylish, pulled together man there who has his act together, who is single, who has a set of values, who has charm and a sporting sense of humor.

 

There is nothing attractive about this man and his pathetic story at all, and no self-respecting man would do what he did--marrying into a silly situation for a green card (how embarrassing) and the poor bloke doesn't even have the cash to support himself. You really want to get involved in this?

 

Please be careful. I believe your self-esteem is bottoming because of the MM situation from before, and you are too vulnerable to sexual attention. You need to step back from this obsessiveness, and clean up your life and your health, if I may add--piling on the chemicals is not good for you in the long term.

 

This has potential disaster written all over it. More frustration and headaches for Kismet on the way...

 

OE

[jj33]

KG - ARE YOU KIDDING? You just got out of one. And you are starting again?

 

The universe is testing you. And you failed. Apparently you didnt learn the lesson...

 

Women get hit on by married men all the time. Either you have a firm boundary that married men are off limits or you dont.

 

I think we have our answer where you are concerned. You continue to kiss him and hang out with him, so you are open to married men.

 

I hope this one works out better for you, but somehow I think we will be seeing a rerun of the last one.

[LucreziaBorgia]

His status may be legit, but seriously... he is basically a grifter who can't support himself. Why would you want a man who can't stand on his own without some apron strings in his hands?

 

For him, this works perfectly. He can get what he wants, and can pull the "I can't commit to you" card any time he wants.

 

I don't know that the angry wife was angry at this particular 'friend date' so much as I'm sure she is reaching the end of her rope dealing with it over and over. I doubt that you are the first 'friend' he has had, and won't be the last either.

 

I know that this will fall on deaf ears - when you fall for someone, nothing short of incarceration will keep you away (you in a general sense, not 'you' specifically).

 

If you don't want to be the sort of woman who gets involved with married men, then its simple - when a guy tells you that he is married, you say simply... "I don't do married men" and leave before the excuses and lies start. Period.

[jj33]

KG there is something wrong with his story (not that this will deter you). But its wrong. When you marry, you are eligible for a green card. When you have a green card you can work. So if hes married, why doesnt he have a green card? Why cant he work?

 

He may be hesitant about divorcing and losing the green card but that is another story.

 

These users are attracted to you. You are beautiful, you are lonely you are going to be a doctor (they smell another meal ticket).

[Island Girl]

KG there is something wrong with his story (not that this will deter you). But its wrong. When you marry, you are eligible for a green card. When you have a green card you can work. So if hes married, why doesnt he have a green card? Why cant he work?

 

This is partially correct.

 

When you have a fiance visa you must marry within 90 days of arrival.

Once that is done you get temporary status (Green Card) which allows you to work, etc.

However, you have to apply for an AOS (Adjustment Of Status) a short time PRIOR to your two year anniversary to gain permanent status.

If the marriage dissolves before then without abuse then it is expected you will go home to your own country.

 

Also, AOS is not automatic.

 

If there is a divorce after the two year AOS then generally the immigrant can stay. But I do know of two people that were sent back.

[jj33]

Same difference. Hes eligible for a green card and he is able to work.

 

The other thing is hes got to be a mental midget to go to the govt for advice on what he can do if he leaves his W - why tip them off that he may be leaving her if hes been married less than 2 years...

 

He should be going to an immigration lawyer.

[Bluebird In My Heart]

A woman once said to a man who hurt her again and again, "I have so many questions about you..."

 

"Why won't you ask them?" He replied.

 

"I don't know. But I do have many things I want to know."

 

Even HE looked at her, sighed, and asked, "Honey, sure you isn't because you really don't want to know?"

 

 

 

You will do whatever you want to do, of course it is your right to do so. Please do consider not indulging this man one minute more.

 

*hugs and peace of mind to you*

 

Kismet, you are still fresh out of the prison. You are possibly, for want of a better word - "institutionalized"...to be the ow. I hate to write that but it has only been two months or so you have been healing from that horrible time.

 

Now is your chance to prove to yourself you can walk away. I wish you strength. Love yourself.

[MichelleS1983]

Forgetting that the guy's a lazy loser looking for a free ride, what about the fact that he BLATANTLY LIED TO YOU when he first met you?

 

Where's your self respect? Where's your pride?

 

After finding out he conned you, instead of telling him to go to hell, you continue hanging out with him and even meet him again?

 

Jesus.

[lkjh]

Do you learn from your mistakes? There are a ton of single men but yet you date the married ones. A smart person would have stop seeing him after he said he is married. Instead you went on a second date with him.

 

You know that kid that touches the stove and burns their hand, and then 2 weeks later does it again? That kid is you

[whichwayisup]

Lose this guys number and please, don't go out on a third date.

[jj33]

Why would you think anyone would be amused? Loads of people that you dont know, took the time to support you in getting out of an affair with a married man that we thought was doing untold damage to your life.

 

And then 2 months later you proclaim that you are doing the same thing again? Yes the general similar characteristics are ironice, but beyond that there is nothing amusing about it.

 

Its sad that you apparently learned nothing from the past, either that or we misunderstood and you dont have a problem being involved with a married man, so long as he treats you well.

 

This one has already said given himself an excuse for doing the same old thing - his W will get upset if hes out too much, because he wont properly be keeping up appearances.

 

The one thing that is clear is that you enjoy the drama. Otherwise you would have kicked him to the curb the minute you found out he was lying about his marital status.

 

Noone whos been as badly burnt as you were would contemplate a relationship with a married man if they were really really ready to be in a relationship.

 

So dont complain. You are getting what you want. A relationship that is a bit of a laugh, that may lead to alot of pain, but wont require or provide any real intimacy.

[KismetGirl]

KG - ARE YOU KIDDING? You just got out of one. And you are starting again?

 

The universe is testing you. And you failed. Apparently you didnt learn the lesson...

 

Women get hit on by married men all the time. Either you have a firm boundary that married men are off limits or you dont.

 

I think we have our answer where you are concerned. You continue to kiss him and hang out with him, so you are open to married men.

 

I hope this one works out better for you, but somehow I think we will be seeing a rerun of the last one.

 

 

No no no ! If i saw a wedding ring on the finger when he walked up to me, i would have run trust me. I've been hit on by married guys afterwards who i knew were such when they spoke and i told them to bugger off.

 

And, he kissed me before he told me about the married thing. I have no let him kiss me since, hence, why he is asking to at least be able to see me on a platonic basis.

 

I will admit I don't really want a relationship right now, as I saw still feel emotionally raw from ordeal with MM. Im just wondering if just "being friends" (in the true sense of just being friends and occasionally haning out platonically) would work anyway.

 

Have been much more suspicious of emotions lately I dont think I will fall in a trap like that again. Im just not exactly familiar with all this business and wonder if I should even just TALK to him at the least for now, and if he comes to me in a couple months and says "ok, its sorted, getting divorced" then I can be more open to seeing him in a dating sense.

 

I dunno. I think I am just somewhat...shcoked insnt the word....funny in that "can't believe it , not again!" sense where the universe really must enjoy testing me. Effing universe sucks!

[KismetGirl]

Yeah Ive only seen him twice, give me a break guys, Im still somewhat off it from the last one and when he pleaded to see him just to talk once I did it. He kissed me once, on the first date, BEFORE i knew he was married.

 

But yeah I dont think I need this mess again. I think I put it up out of sarcastic frustration (does that make snse) in that "what the freaking hell....seriously??"

 

I mean i know there are lots of them in NY but what are the odds....

 

Knew i'd get a swift kick in the arse here, cheers for that one guys.

 

Im pretty sure some of his legal problems on staying here are legit, but I dont need to deal with this bollocks. Hearing him argue on the phone with his wife at dinner was quite enough for me, brought back too many memories of MM dealings and I've actually been STUDYING lately , yaaaay! Eff him. I hate men. And women are crazy so can't be to that either. I guess I could try converting and becoming a nun or something.

 

He just texted me. I just wrote him back to call me when he's been divorced at least six months. He wrote back he was dissapointed but understands.

 

Case closed.

[me003]

Don't do it.... Regardless of the situation if he gets divorces and then marries you,you will never know if he is truly in love with you or if he wants to marry you for papers. Some guys even have kids with women they don't like to make it more real. My friend married a guy she thought was awesome, 3 years later, she is living by herself and the child, he is living in their old place. He does not see the child or pay for child support since they are still technically married. Because of his status and because he is the baby's dad she will not deport him or divorce him.

 

My other friend was married to a man from Colombia, they had a child, when the child was 3 months old his true colors came out. She was in love with him, so they (she) reconciled had another baby, and now, after he got his papers, they filed for divorced. He is loving dad, but in the process she got her heart broken, self esteem shattered, gain massive amount of weigh, her body aged rapidly, she lost her house, foreclosed on her house, lost her brand new car, and now on anti depressant pills.

 

 

I know I might have taken it to the next possible level. However, there is enough drama with single, MM, but this one is just such a bad combo. wait till he gets his papers in order and have him contact you then and not before. If he is really interested it will happen.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I think that it's important to realize that you've been groomed to accept the position of OW from a relatively young age. I'ld keep that in the back of my mind when hearing the stories from MM. Sorry this one wasn't a keeper.

[KismetGirl]

I think that it's important to realize that you've been groomed to accept the position of OW from a relatively young age. I'ld keep that in the back of my mind when hearing the stories from MM. Sorry this one wasn't a keeper.

 

Yes its mildly dissapointing. Im not cryin about it or anything mind you, just frustrated that yet another one I'd be attracted to happens to be like....in the same situation.

 

Told him if he really wants to see me that bad he'll get his sh*t together and THEN call me and he said he's hoping to do that. Told him not to call me until then so its over and done with until he comes to me and says he is 1) settled with his own job and apartment and 2) divorced. Amen.

[greengoddess]

You knew nothing about this man and you let him kiss you. Think about that. Think about why it was ok for him to kiss you before you really knew him. Think about the signals you may be sending out to men also please.

[KismetGirl]

You knew nothing about this man and you let him kiss you. Think about that. Think about why it was ok for him to kiss you before you really knew him. Think about the signals you may be sending out to men also please.

 

It was just a three second peck on the mouth, christ! i dont walk around dressed like some uber=whore. I was standing around getting a coffee, dressed in work-clothes when he came up to me, and on a date when i thought someone was cute i let them peck me on the mouth, i dont think thats very uncommon these days is it? not amongst people my age, anyway. or so it would seem.

[bentnotbroken]

Maybe some time alone to heal and discover some things about yourself is in order:(