I must have a sign on my forehead...the regulars may be amused

[KismetGirl]

Doesn't it seem like a big red flag that he has the capacity to marry for a green card? He's a user, KG!

 

Don't you want the peace of mind knowing someone is with you for you?

 

Well....don't think he got married just for greencard per say....he did say they dated/spoke for three years before she started telling him she wanted him to move to America permanently as they were flying back and forth 10 times a year and etc and would have preferred to just live together first but the only legitimate way they could really be in the same country together was to get married, so they did, and he said he sort of regretted it but would like to stay now that he is here, though that wasn't his motivation for marrying her just to be here.

 

Or so he says. Again, he has technically offered to introduce me to his wife if that would make me feel better about believing him, I just have as yet to decide if i want to take him up on that...

[wildsoul]

KG, I think this will make you laugh.

 

Since xSM, I've had several dates with an xBF of mine. We were together for about 2 years a decade ago. He had a green card. Our R ended pretty disasterously, but after 10 years, I've been a little open-minded to see if he's changed. It felt nice to have some romance again. Some dancing, kissing, cuddling. He was giving me the impression that I'm the girl that got away and would I seriously consider him again?

 

Last time I saw him, he let it slip that something's gone wrong with his greencard. He's got a lawyer looking into it.

 

And then I got it.

 

I think he really does want to get over his narcisstic hot/cold blocks in love, but it doesn't take Inspector Clousseau to catch the clues that he's got this whole other motive for marriage. Oh, and think of the time he's save with me! We already have +2 years history; we've lived together before, yada yada. Instant wife!

 

Then I also remembered how he got his green card in the first place: a brief marriage. (Getting divorced too soon or some other issue is resurfacing now after many years and threatening his status.)

 

My reaction? No. Oh, HELL NO. Pushed him back into the friend zone and fading quickly on that too.

 

==> Remember: Guys that have an ulterior motive will push a lot harder than guys who don't. Don't mistake that need to convince you with love or passion! BTDT. We both have.

[KismetGirl]

KG, I think this will make you laugh.

 

Since xSM, I've had several dates with an xBF of mine. We were together for about 2 years a decade ago. He had a green card. Our R ended pretty disasterously, but after 10 years, I've been a little open-minded to see if he's changed. It felt nice to have some romance again. Some dancing, kissing, cuddling. He was giving me the impression that I'm the girl that got away and would I seriously consider him again?

 

Last time I saw him, he let it slip that something's gone wrong with his greencard. He's got a lawyer looking into it.

 

And then I got it.

 

I think he really does want to get over his narcisstic hot/cold blocks in love, but it doesn't take Inspector Clousseau to catch the clues that he's got this whole other motive for marriage. Oh, and think of the time he's save with me! We already have +2 years history; we've lived together before, yada yada. Instant wife!

 

Then I also remembered how he got his green card in the first place: a brief marriage. (Getting divorced too soon or some other issue is resurfacing now after many years and threatening his status.)

 

My reaction? No. Oh, HELL NO. Pushed him back into the friend zone and fading quickly on that too.

 

==> Remember: Guys that have an ulterior motive will push a lot harder than guys who don't. Don't mistake that need to convince you with love or passion! BTDT. We both have.

 

Haha! I can see that. But in this case, forget that! I told him last time I saw him that I would never, eve let anyone I didnt date for at least a year move in with me, and that I was no where near ready to marry anyone, so I think I made that pretty clear. So if his ulterior motives inolve me rescuing him by marryng him he's wasting his time and i think he knows that!

 

My last boyfriend of 3.5 years wanted to move to NY to be with me and move in with me after college and get married and all that jazz and I deadened that right quick, im not one to rush into relationships, contrary to popular belief. Took me nearly three years before I even admitted to loving xMM, and we all know how much I cared for him.

 

But i imagine it must happen quite often, that whole greencard-marriage fiasco. Shan't be happening to me. Least of all because my friends/family would think im insane, but mostly because Im just not one to do something like that at all. Despite what seems like horrid emotional dependance, i really am quite independant....I like having my own job, my own apartment, my own car, my own life. I want someone to complement that, but I want an equal, and no one that would need anything from me. Ya know?

[LaGazelle]

Well....don't think he got married just for greencard per say....he did say they dated/spoke for three years before she started telling him she wanted him to move to America permanently as they were flying back and forth 10 times a year and etc and would have preferred to just live together first but the only legitimate way they could really be in the same country together was to get married, so they did, and he said he sort of regretted it but would like to stay now that he is here, though that wasn't his motivation for marrying her just to be here.

 

Or so he says. Again, he has technically offered to introduce me to his wife if that would make me feel better about believing him, I just have as yet to decide if i want to take him up on that...

 

Kismet, just one thing worth noting on the point highlighted above. British citizens are permitted to stay in the US for 3 months without a visa, and they also have a better chance than most other nationalities to obtain a visa if they wish to stay longer...

[KismetGirl]

Kismet, just one thing worth noting on the point highlighted above. British citizens are permitted to stay in the US for 3 months without a visa, and they also have a better chance than most other nationalities to obtain a visa if they wish to stay longer...

 

He did get a fiance visa. Three months isn't that long, firstly, not to defend him but even three months of just living with someone is not exactly a good way to gauge how well you'll get on a year from now or more, but anyway, he said it was up in the end of October and due to various reasons that are incidental, he didn't come till there was only 1.5 months left in the fiance visa.

 

And british or otherwise, getting a visa isn't always the easiest thing in the world, don't know who told you that....people that are actually FROM here are having trouble getting work, companies are less likely nowadays to hire and go through the very large hassle of obtaining a visa on a person's behalf unless perhaps they are bringing years of experience and they really need that person, and in this case he's actually quite young and was only 24 when he came here, so I imagine that would be why the marriage one was the easiest option for him to stay here with his wife. And if he really did believe that he and her were a good match at the time, I suppose it would have made sense that they would just go for it. I personally would not marry someone that I never lived with, but there are thousands of people out there who would and do all the time.

 

I don't know if it's anything like the process to get a visa in the UK, but I had a hell of a time trying to find one to come to London when I was trying to do that. It really isn't that easy to find someone to sponser you when you're really young and limited in work experience....

 

Look, this wasn't meant to get into an argument of how honest he is being. I actually do think he's trying to be honest about his situation, and that it is just not an ideal one in which to be dating. I suppose he didn't have to tell me about his wife at all , nor say that he'd let me speak to her if that was the only way I'd accept seeing him in any way. I honestly think he just made a stupid, rash move by getting married too quickly, despite long-distance dating his wife for a couple of years, they never actually lived together in the same city before marrying and that's generally a bad idea for most people. Hell I wouldn't marry anyone without living with them at least a year, but Im perhaps not so rash as some. :::shrug::::

 

Either way Ive already told him no dating until he comes to me and tells me he's got the following sorted: 1- own apartment 2-steady work 3-divorce papers on their way. At the least that would be the necessary start for me to consider it. He's persistant in emailing so let him email, what can I do. He isn't being an arsehole about it, just saying he hopes to prove to me that he hasn't been lying about his situation and really wants to see more of me. Its not like he thinks I'LL marry him or live with him , I made it clear that I don't do rash things like that from the first minute! Not all my decisions are totally sound but there are alot worse....

[Lucky_One]

He's persistant in emailing so let him email, what can I do.

 

For starter's, you can enforce your own boundary of "do not contact me until you meet these minimum expectations". Block his email - it is very easy to do.

[NoIDidn't]

I'm just trying to figure out who lets a person into their personal space long enough to actually put their lips on them on a first date?

 

That's a major boundary issue, KG? Don't you get that? Some strange guy would NOT be getting close enough to kiss me on a first date before I had some basic information on him, like "are you married".

 

Forget his status and the other stuff about him, this is clearly about you and your willingness to allow any kind of person into your space without the least bit of a thought for your own personal protection (emotional or physical). You could have been raped or otherwise sexually assaulted by this guy.

 

The kiss on the first date and the fact that you sat through him arguing with his W (apparently without flinching) gave him all the clues he needs that, in his mind, he found the perfect idiot for his next meal. Don't be his fool, KG. You have enough on your plate.

 

You have got to start thinking FOR YOURSELF. No one should have to come to LS to have common sense drilled into them. Seriously, KG. You have to look after yourself better than this.

[Owl]

KG, why are you even REMOTELY considering getting involved with this guy?!?!?!

 

You've gone on two dates with him. It's not love at this point by anyone's stretch of imagination.

 

He's married.

 

END ANY COMMUNICATION WITH HIM....PERIOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

This isn't rocket science. He clearly has no respect for the woman he married. For WHATEVER reason, he doesn't respect her, even though he's married to her. He is...AT BEST...using her for his own selfish gain.

 

And he's willing to INTENTIONALLY seek you out...ask for your number, take you on 2 seperate dates...

 

What does this tell YOU about the kind of man he is?

 

All of this when you're still reeling from a PREVIOUS MM?!?!?!?!

 

It's EASY to walk away at this point...and frankly...you're a fool if you even consider talking to this guy going forward. You would simply be ASKING to be put back in a crap situation...you couldn't even blame him...it would be completely and entirely your own doing.

 

How tough is this to see?!?!?!

[2sure]

KG -it doesn't take a lot of introspection for a woman to eventually figure out why they keep finding themselves in similar relationships. It has nothing to do with wearing a sign and everything to do with finding what you are looking for.

 

You must like the drama. Part of you doesn't feel worthy of an available man. Hard truths.

 

And those truths can be found in any of us at some point in out lives, so thats OK. But you need to reconcile yourself to them and stop asking the same questions. Even if the only step you take is to ask yourself new questions.

[Die Hard]

Kis why don't you just admit you like married men instead of coming here and pretending it's an issue for you? Any normal person who had just gotten out of one affair would get up and walk away at the moment a date said he was married...yet you kept sitting there. Now you're cool with him emailing you and you'd like to be friends....just like you always want to stay friends with MM1. You even said the divorce must be 6 months old but now you're hinting just the paperwork will be good enough. Not trying to be harsh but this is how I see it:

 

1) You like married men and the drama that follows

 

or

 

2) You're an idiot

 

or

 

3) Both

 

 

I have respect for folks like lizzie60 who post here about the m men she sees because she doesn't pretend it's an issue for her. You come here for the attention and USE the people here that are trying to help people that don't want to be in an affair anymore. Please, see married men all you want but please quit pretending you need support.

 

It is not normal behavior to go thru what you have posted about and then turn right around and start becoming attracted to ANOTHER married man. The fact that you did not walk away when he told you is disturbing behavior if one does not want to be involved with a mm. If you don't care that he's married your behavior makes perfect sense though.

[Die Hard]

And just for the record, as someone who is glad to be out of my affair, I would sooner eat a stranger's steaming turd before I would sit and talk with a date who was supposed to be single but then tells me she's married.

 

And that is NO exaggeration. This is why I cannot fathom you not liking married men. To have continued talking to him the way you have is a perfect example o actions vs. words. You are ALL talk.

[stampdaddy]

I would sooner eat a stranger's steaming turd

 

ahhhh, especially the ones that have some kernals of corn in them. A nice glass of Reisling and a side salad.. yummo

[Reggie]

Very strange behavior, once again, on your part , Kismet. How's the trapy helping with this continued self destructiveness? Are you figuring out why you have such low self esteem?

[Die Hard]

ahhhh, especially the ones that have some kernals of corn in them. A nice glass of Reisling and a side salad.. yummo

I'd prefer a nice pinot but who am I kidding...to get thru that I'd need some bacardi 151. still better than getting involved with a mp again. Surely you can relate. Regardless of everything else I could never see you ever getting involved with another mw. For all our faults, it was a one time thing and have learned a few things at the very least.

[stampdaddy]

I'd prefer a nice pinot but who am I kidding...to get thru that I'd need some bacardi 151. still better than getting involved with a mp again. Surely you can relate. Regardless of everything else I could never see you ever getting involved with another mw. For all our faults, it was a one time thing and have learned a few things at the very least.

 

ahhh NO, NEVER EVER EVER. I will forever be changed by this mess. So, slide over and pour me a glass or 10

[sb129]

And just for the record, as someone who is glad to be out of my affair, I would sooner eat a stranger's steaming turd before I would sit and talk with a date who was supposed to be single but then tells me she's married.

 

.

 

Same here. I would rather suffer all manner of torture than EVER EVER be with a MM again.

I would also rather go through torture than put my own marriage through all that drama.

 

I don't think you have learned a thing from the previous MM saga KG, and I agree you seem to thrive on drama.

 

I wouldn't have even gone on ONE date with this guy, let alone two.

 

I used to have a thing for British accents too, but a cute accent isn't an indication of a decent bloke.

If anything, my experiences have put me OFF british accents. (sorry to the brits out there).

 

Looks like you have a few more things to learn KG.

[KismetGirl]

I'm just trying to figure out who lets a person into their personal space long enough to actually put their lips on them on a first date?

 

That's a major boundary issue, KG? Don't you get that? Some strange guy would NOT be getting close enough to kiss me on a first date before I had some basic information on him, like "are you married".

 

Forget his status and the other stuff about him, this is clearly about you and your willingness to allow any kind of person into your space without the least bit of a thought for your own personal protection (emotional or physical). You could have been raped or otherwise sexually assaulted by this guy.

 

The kiss on the first date and the fact that you sat through him arguing with his W (apparently without flinching) gave him all the clues he needs that, in his mind, he found the perfect idiot for his next meal. Don't be his fool, KG. You have enough on your plate.

 

You have got to start thinking FOR YOURSELF. No one should have to come to LS to have common sense drilled into them. Seriously, KG. You have to look after yourself better than this.

 

This is all a little exaggerated here . I don't know what world you all live in, but in mine , my friends, and everyone I know, if someone gives you a peck on the mouth on a first date its not the equivalent of sex or getting raped or anything close to it. It's two people, attracted to each other, who have one bloody effing kiss, get over it! Christ! We were sitting , having a few drinks, talking, we had a moment, he leaned in and gave me a quick little kiss, it was cute, end of story. Usually when Im on a date I dont have to specifically ask "hey , by the way, are you married?", as generally it is assumed one is not if they are on a date! So lets be a little realistic here, lets?

 

This place aggravates me sometimes. I said I havent seen him again, I admitted I was attracted to him which has NOTHING to do with whether or not he is married. It's just a surface attraction, I only just met the guy, god! The date we had lasted , what, 8 hours at least?? We just sat and talked ina bar over a few pints for a very long time as the conversation flowed really well, and somewhere at the very last quarter of the night, before he let the married thing out, the kiss happend. Big freaking deal! The big deal here was that he was married, not that we had a little blipping kiss! Why the hell is this such a big deal!?

 

And FYI, when did I say I didnt flinch when his wife called him? Are we putting words in my mouth now? Immediately following this I told him I couldnt deal with that nonsense and he LEFT because I asked him to leave.

 

You guys need to occasionally calm down just a little. I appreciate the concern, but sometimes some things are really exaggerated a little bit.

 

I came here this time around out of sheer wonderment at the fact that somehow another married english guy has found his way to me, which i think, living in a city of 8 million people in America, is a little coincidental and weird, so I thought I'd share the irony or whatever, and at the same time get a little encourgaement to stay away until and IF he gets his stuff together. I did not come here to get insulted and made to feel like Im some huge whore because I kissed someone once, before I even knew he was married.

 

Yes, he's emailing me, and yes I admit Im quite attracted to him, and YES, I liked the way he kissed me, and YES I would like to see him again, but does it mean that I will? NO! I told him, and everyone here in like my last five posts already, that I have made it clear to him at this point that he needs to get 1- job 2- own aparment 3- divorced for me to take dating him seriously. He emailed me today to tell me he went to social security and they fixed up his stuff finally and he'll be able to legally work within ten days max. I said ok. i didnt say, great, come on over! I said, ok, that's good, youre on your way I guess. Thats it! If he calls me in four months to say he has accomplished 1, 2, 3 above, then yeah, maybe I will go out with him!

 

Jees.

[sb129]

Methinks the lady doth protest too much.

[KismetGirl]

Same here. I would rather suffer all manner of torture than EVER EVER be with a MM again.

I would also rather go through torture than put my own marriage through all that drama.

 

I don't think you have learned a thing from the previous MM saga KG, and I agree you seem to thrive on drama.

 

I wouldn't have even gone on ONE date with this guy, let alone two.

 

I used to have a thing for British accents too, but a cute accent isn't an indication of a decent bloke.

If anything, my experiences have put me OFF british accents. (sorry to the brits out there).

 

Looks like you have a few more things to learn KG.

 

I really fail to see what i have done wrong here except maybe allow the second "date" which was more just a conversation over dinner.

 

I went on a first date because i assumed he was single.

 

I give up. This is tiring. I just came for a little encouragement to do what i thought I should do, which is tell him i cant see him right now, and i got that, but then i got a sh*tload more insults on top of it as if im some total moron who is getting into another affair again, which I am not in the least. I thought it was ridiculously weird that I should find another man so randomly in the same position so soon after last MM. Thats all.

 

Really people, get off the high horses here. How was I supposed to know he was married when i went on the first date? He was out with me until 2 in the morning at a bar, no one called him all night, he had no ring on, am I supposed to be psychic and/or paranoid from here on out that every single guy i go out with is married? That's no way to live is it? No, so i just assumed he was single until he told me otherwise, and then maybe it was the best thing in the world to go out for a dinner but he said he really wanted to talk to me so i met him after work in the area since he was nearby anyway, and we talked, and then his wife called for that lovely argument on the phone and then i told him to go and i left as well.

 

And then i went home and wondered why on earth i have the luck to meet yet another one , and why is it that i have to be attracted to totally unavailable people, and that it is a very odd coincidence.

 

No psychobabble, no intricate delving into attractions to married people, its not that complicated. Just bad luck on my part, I guess. Oh well, no matter, maybe he'll come around in a few months and show me he's changed things, I have other things to worry about.

[KismetGirl]

Methinks the lady doth protest too much.

 

The lady doth get frustrated when no one listens to anything she says and reads everything the wrong way.

[KismetGirl]

Very strange behavior, once again, on your part , Kismet. How's the trapy helping with this continued self destructiveness? Are you figuring out why you have such low self esteem?

 

 

Shrug

 

don't think my self esteem is that bad to be honest. just still emotionally a bit frazzled from the last one.

 

I swear, its like no one here every makes more than one bad decision in their lives. Im being massacred for going out on a date with a dude i didnt know was married. Granted the second dinner thing was a bad idea, but its not like i went home and shagged him after. he never even kissed me again after that first time.

[Reggie]

Look, why not just fade off into the sunset and stop wasting folks' time. You love this drama and attention.

[KismetGirl]

You went on a date with him. No problem. He tells you he's married.

 

You went on a SECOND DATE!

 

We read all we need to.

 

 

::shrug::: didnt really think of it as a date. was a late lunch/early dinner in the vicinity of my job after i got off work so he could explain his situation. i was curious. so sue me. haven't seen him since.

[KismetGirl]

Look, why not just fade off into the sunset and stop wasting folks' time. You love this drama and attention.

 

 

.....mostly because its a free forum and im allowed to vent and get advice without being told im an idiot.

 

good thing i don't approach my patients the way you approach me, or i'd be telling everyone person that makes a bad choice that they are morons who deserve no further consideration from anyone and to hell with them.

 

you dont like me, then don't read my freaking posts and dont respond reggie. bye guys.

[sb129]

Kismet-

 

You knew that there would be some responses that weren't to your liking before you started the thread.

 

My opinion on your behaviour isn't about the first date- its about the second date and how MUCH you have analysed his visa status, his marriage, etc etc.

 

You didn't just tell us "hey, WTF, another married british guy hit on me, fancy that huh!". You told us that you have been on two dates with him and gave us a detailed analysis of them and his marriage/visa status.

 

 

Those are all signs that you are preparing to maybe see him again- in fact you left that door open, you allow him to email you, and you have told him as much.

 

His behaviour on the dates and from what you have told US about him didn't ring so true with a few posters, and many are simply trying to warn you that he doesn't sound genuine, and reinforce the idea that he sounds like (from what you have said) bad news.

 

 

I don't think you are an idiot. But I do think that even entertaining the idea of having ANY kind of relationship with a man in a similar situation to the last one is potentially damaging to you. I doubt you have recovered from the last R, and focusing on another one is easier than dwelling on the last one.

 

I know what its like to go from one R drama to another- and I didn't see it that way at the time. I simply lept from one bad situation into another because doing so was easier than being alone and having to examine MYSELF and why I continued to attract destructive R patterns.

I was about the same age (I think) as you, and I DID thrive on the drama for quite a long time.

 

Now, looking back, i can't believe I let myself get in those situations, but I am alot calmer, more rational and much happier with myself- and it DOES make a difference, its not so easy to see when you are in the thick of it, but looking back surely helps.

 

We aren't all on here to pick on you or belittle you. Some of us have been where you are and know how much things can hurt.

 

You must see how some of your posts come across?