I must have a sign on my forehead...the regulars may be amused

[sb129]

Newcastle... well that explains it. Eureka!

Its actually quite a big city, so its not THAT much of a coincidence. I lived there for a couple of years- isn't that strange that someone who also lived there is now posting on your thread??!!

 

Don't be sucked in by the Geordie charm Kismet. Their football team just got relegated to a lower division, he's probably looking for all the comfort he can get.

[fooled once]

Kismet --

 

One thing I take from this post of yours is that so many people CARE enough about YOU to respond. They are worried about YOU.

 

The anguish you felt (and I felt via your posts) when your last affair ended is what I think many are panicking about when you went on a SECOND date with a married guy.

 

'eh, big deal about the kiss. UNLESS it was after he told you he was married. IF you allowed it after you knew he was married, then IMHO, you really can't complain if you allow this to continue and you get hurt. You would be once again walking into a situation which you had already been through and got burned by.

 

For me - the 2nd date was the "OH MY GOSH - what is she doing" moment for me.

 

I personally would love to see you quit emailing him and encouraging him; because that is what you are doing.

 

IF and WHEN he becomes free, then resume contact. My advice would be to NIP this in the bud now; before you get your heart crushed again. You already have a physical attraction to him (and visa versa with him) and it is a slippery slope from there to emotional attachment.

 

Good luck!

[KismetGirl]

Hi again....

 

I needed to cool off, apologies for disappearing. People all have a right to their own opinions, but occasionally some people are just useless and contribute nothing but headaches and useless dribble and it irritates me (**coughcoughreggiecough*) Tree surgeon? Yeah.

 

Thank you to anyone who had heartfelt advice of their own, or who realizes that I am actually a normal person who is totally capable of giving sound advice to other people and just have a tendency to screw myself over emotionally. I wish some people would understand that people , when they write on here, are often MUCH more emotionally honest than they ever would be in real life, even with a therapist sometimes. You think I say all this stuff to everyone i know in real life hey? No I dont, and I guarantee you 90% of the people in your office have made more f**ked up decisions than me, but you just don't know about them, and thus, hey, you think they're quite normal.

 

It's just some people can get very.....harsh, and to be honest some days I just can't deal with it and have other thing sto focus on rather than keeping my blood pressure down after reading some things on here....

 

Anyway, I am a glutton for punishment. I take responsibility for everyone and everything, Im overly critical of myself and my life and my job, I blame myslf for everything, so when it comes to stuff like this I guess I just want to believe that it can be easy for once.

 

I came back and posted partially because I was so aghast that again, so soon, another guy so similiar to MM in a way comes and finds me?

 

Yes, it sounds farfetched, but unfortunately it is sadly true.

 

Cheers to sb, he was crying about his fb team getting their arse kicked ;-)

 

Anyway, I haven't seen him again. He keeps emailing me. Once in a while I sort of send some half-a**ed two liner back to him which is probably encouraging him, but I haven't seen him.

 

If anyone is wondering why I would even relegate myself to such a position again, it is both because and in spite of my recent situation, where I KNOW Im intelligent, and I KNOW i'm worth a normal relationship, and I KNOW I'm not ugly or whatever else, but I am so emotionally slanted right now from MM its hard for me to just....feel normal. Almost like some days I don't believe I'll ever find a normal situation, which is obviosuly illogical, but emotions arent logical....only the manner in which you might respond to them, and at the moment i have my good days and my bad, and im pretty sure it'll take longer than two months for me to get over a four year affair.

 

MM really played a number with me. I still think about him, I still see his bloody car when I go home after work sometimes, I wonder what he's doing on weekends, I wonder if him and his wife have mended things, I see photos his brother puts up on facebook because Im friends with him, and im just constantly reminded of him either tangibly or randomly or whatever. I see kids on the street and I tell myself he made the right decision and it was for te best becaus his children need their dad growing up. It still makes my heart ache just to think of him, like I wonder if I will ever, ever feel that way about anyone ever again. I've lost all passion or interest in really dating, I think I accept dates out of sheer desire to be distracted. Just the fact that this newest MM(2) managed to even peak my interest or attraction was , I think, so bizarre to me that I couldnt help it when he asked me to please meet him a second time so he could explain his situation. I hope some one understands that. EVEN despite this attraction, and let me tell you, this guy has been more persistant than almost anyone I've met in a long time, I mean, he must email me nearly every day, I am somewhat deadened to the prospect of a relationship right now. He's quite open with me and I barely say a word, not because I found out he's married, but because I feel like I'll never find that feeling of comfort I had around MM and my brain has just given up. I start envisioning myself in some "comfort" marriage like half the people around me who are all secretly cheating on their spouses, settling for someone I wasn't really really in love with , but hey, i loved them and they loved me and we were comfortable, so good enough, right? That sounds absolutely terrible to me and yet that's all i see right now, logically or not. I know it isn't logical, but for some odd reason everyone around me, and I mena EVERYONE, is getting married, buying houses, having babies, it makes me want to scream. I know thats normal and etc, but at my age, this is the first time in my life that friends are doing things like this, and they've all begun doing it at the same time. Argh!

 

I give advice to peeople day in and day out and want to scream when I see someone essentially killing themselves, but I have to understand its easier to dole out advice and see a situation rationally from the outside looking in, eh?

 

Anyway, thats all. Thanks to those who care, and a big V flipped to those who don't. MM2 emailed me again but I didn't respond today. Im over it, it was nice to feel initially attracted to someone again but its more headache than its worth....his emails are mildly amusing so i suppose if he feels a need to keep sending them so be it, i don't have to respond.

[OpenBook]

I'm really glad you came back here and posted, KismetGirl. And I know EXACTLY what you mean, it being easier to dole-out advice from the outside. Nobody understands your own situation (or how difficult it is) better than yourself. But for me, all the different viewpoints expressed here on LS -- even the ones that got my goat -- have helped me enormously with my own personal disasters.

 

I hope you'll stick around. You add great value here. I've gotten a lot out of your insights.

[HisSweetThing]

I hope you stick around too KG. Before I posted I read some of your story. I could relate so well to how you felt about your MM. I was disappointed to see how it turned out. But it helped just to read about it.

[whichwayisup]

, I see photos his brother puts up on facebook because Im friends with him, and im just constantly reminded of him either tangibly or randomly or whatever

 

KG, time to delete him from your facebook. You looking at it is making things worse..

[KismetGirl]

WWIU- i should delete it....last bit of "contact" tho that i haven't done. don't know why. i havent said a word via any means of communication to MM since early April=ish, whenever it was that i saw him in person and then wrote that long email gushing all my feelings afterwards. his brother is easy going, and perhaps has asked MM once or twice if anything was going on but otherwise hasn't said a word in all the time Ive known him. I think if he REALLY knew he wouldnt be so friendly. He is pretty close to MM's wife...or so says MM. Anyway.

 

His job has an "event" in the city coming up that is quite out in the public and near where i work and it's taking everything in me to avoid walking that way when I go home. I know he will be there, and probably also his wife and kids. Would do nothing but make everyone uncomfortable but I am,....tempted. I wont though. I'll probably be so tired after working that morning I'll forget about it and go home before I realize the event was that day anwyay.

 

And for anyone that is curious, that MM2 guy, remember when he offered (however hesitantly) for me to talk to his wife to confirm their marriage is indeed over? Out of curiousity to see if every man really is a lying arse, I finally said, sure, go ahead, let me ask her. So he asked her if I could talk to her a minute before work, as she's not far from me, so I went and asked. Said I wanted to be respectful and didnt know he was married when i went out with him the first time and he had told me she said they were both allowed to see other people and if this was really true and etc. She admitted she had been upset to see the marriage fall apart but she was accepting it was the wrong thing to do, that they rushed, that she's too young (she's only 23), they are too different, and she still cares for him and wants him to be able to stay in the country. She admitted she did tell him she didnt care if he dated and that she would be allowed to do the same, but that seeing another woman who might be interested in him did make her feel weird about it. She did say there was no chance of reconciliation at this point and that they were as roomates, that they had seperate bedrooms and didnt even see each other except a few minutes a day when both were home.

 

So I guess he wasnt lying about that part, but even though she accepts the marriage is over, I think he is more emotionally over it than she is, despite her outward acceptance. So, despite her "permission", I told him we couldnt be more than just friends now anyway as even if he thinks he's over the marriage that people dont usually acknowledge the emtoional harships of a breakup until it's "real", meaning, i think it will sink in more for both of them once he really moves out and etc.

 

well at any rate, at least it was confirmed he wasn't lying to me that the marriage was just for legal reasons still together on paper. I guess thats something? Well whatever, it made me feel somewhat better to know that at least he wasnt lying about that. Still doesnt change my statement to him that, at best, we could be platonic friends for now until he actually moves out and is completely separated. I had a drink with him today after work, maybe to test my newfound revelations that I won't give in to temptations, and in fact had NO desire to kiss him or be tempted in any way, which I think is good. Not because I dont like him or think he's unattractive, but I just feel more ....well, i feel a tad stronger about resisting now. it's like that kiss i let slip on the first date was just a little break since it was the first time since MM i felt that comfortable with someone , but after having a think for a few days i feel different this time around, as opposed to how I let myself totally fall into the A with MM those years ago. I dont know if that makes any sense, but I think im better equipped now. I was feeling confused, but its all a little clearer to me now and I really just want friends right now, i dont want a boyfriend, i dont even want a date right now. I just want to have friends, study, and relax. That's all I need for now, I think. Occasional physical frustrations aside, I dont feel so bad about that prospect right now, which is somewhat....liberating, and the first time in a very, very long time that I sat and thought "wow, i dont need a relationship, i just need to focus on me"

 

I still miss MM....alot. I probably will for a long time. But I think I have finally learned to deal with meeting new guys now, married or otherwise.

 

Anyway....night.