I wanna be more then a friend to u now...HELP!!

[Steph0404]

Well..let me just start from the beginning. I have known my friend Matt for a little over a year. I met him through my friend Meagan because she started to go out with him. When they were going out we would all hang out and I found Matt to be such a sweet, funny, and caring person. Matt and I always got along great while they were going out. Then Meagan broke up with him and broke his heart. When they broke up Matt and I decided we would remain friends. Our friendship grew so strong and grows every day. Now I know and I have known for a long time that I like him way more then a friend. I think I love him but sometimes I just don’t know. We do almost everything you do in a romantic relationship…we go to the movies together..out to eat together..we play put put..party together..and I can’t even count the times I have gone to his house and fell asleep watching movies together. We also almost always sleep in the same bed..in fact now it’s just automatically assumed. About a month after him and meagan broke up we were at a friends house partying and we both had been drinking and we went to sleep upstairs and we ended up making out. That has now happened a total of 4 times. The last time he told me that he loved me. I did not take it serious because I knew he was drunk but it still made me think. Every time though we have both been drinking that it has happend. He just says the next day that he is sorry and we move on like it never happened. My friend says she thinks he uses him being drunk as a excuse and that it gives him more courage to actually do what he really wants. When he first started college we missed each other because we were use to seeing each other almost every day..even though he is only about 40 min away..so it was a little weird the first weeks so we would write each other e-mails since we did not get a a lot of time to talk or be online the same time. He would write Love Matt at the end of his e-mails..but I feel it is a love like your mom or dad would put. I would love to believe that he likes me but I just don’t know. I could never tell him I like him because it would destroy this wonderful friendship if he did not feel the same way..it would never be the same. He means so much to me and is one of my best friends. I don’t know what I would ever do if I did not have him in my life. My question is…for anyone..do you think Matt likes me? what should I do? or any opinion you have of this. Thanks

[Bluebear]

It sounds like he is interested. But you can't tell for sure because alcohol has been present a lot. I would sit down and think about if this is truly what you want. It will change your friendship. If it is what you want I would sit down with him when he is sober or call him up and just be honest with him. Tell him how you feel and what has been confusing you. Also tell him that you don't want to hurt your friendship if he is not interested that way. Honesty is the best policy. See what happens.

[Q-Tip]

This is an interesting situation. From what you have written , I am led to believe that you were attracted to Matt from the very beginning, when your friend meagan was going out with him. May be you just werent ready to accept those feelings conciously, because of guilt, and therefore ended up building a strong friendship ?

 

Different types of relationships like friendship, love, lust, etc are sides of the same dice. In order for you to have ANY sort of strong relationship with another person, falling into either one of those categories, you will have to click with them at a deep level. If you can think of such relationships with people, where you dont really click with them at some level or another, that means that particular relationship is just a surface ( fake) relationship. But what happens is, when you do click with a person, you decide on a set of limitations for the relationship with this person, based on a host of external factors, and convenience. So it implies that its possible to have any type of relationship with a person you really click with !, as the limitations you place are at an operational level, as opposed to being at an abstract level.

 

What would have happened with you and Matt is , you two would have clicked initially when you met each other. Then both of you decided to place certain limitations on your relationships, subconciously defining it as a friendship, due to external factors such as him seing your best friend. But since the two of you werent conciously aware of doing this, now you two are at a stage , where both of you are clueless as to how you feel about each other.

 

When you two met initially, he would have placed stronger limitations on your relationship, than you would have, because he is the person who was in a commited relationship with your friend. Whereas you find it easier now to accept you feelings, he must be really disturbed as to what makes him feel the things he feels for you . He has defined for himself, a framework for the kind of relationship you two are having, and when ever it goes beyond that framework, he would feel the need to fit it back into that framework, which is what makes him apologize the next day . He is used to having these feelings for you , whithin this framework that he himself created. But he is not conciously aware that he created it. Therefor he is in fear of losing what you two have, if he was to step out of it and create a different framework.

 

I thought I will go into that detailed explanation to hopefully give you a better idea of whats going on here. I think how you should go about it is, firstly by raising the question " what do you think would have happened between us, if you werent going out with megan when I first met you " . Then it will get him thinking, and it will take him back in time to the point where he started defining his relationship with you. Then work on it from there, in order to make it comfortable for him to reframe his relationship with you . For example a second question could take the form of " What do you think it would have been like, if it were to have happened that way " . In other words, try to create in his mind, a picture of what it would have been like, if not for the limitations that were placed. Then he wil gradally start to feel more comfortable with his feelings for you , as he unravels them. Make sure though, that you do a thorough analisys of the limitations that YOU placed on the relationship, from your side, considering he was going out with your friend. And when you realise these, make him aware of them. it will give him a cue to do the same.

 

My guess is that , if you try to tackle the present, without tackling it from its inception, you will end up in a very awkward situation.

 

So in other words, theres no dount that he has feelings for you , which will gro winto more than friendship, given the chance. You just got to get that mental block away from him, and make him feel comfortable with that,